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Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile

Thu, 2018-07-12 18:13

LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…

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Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’

Thu, 2018-07-12 15:17

WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.” “Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a…

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Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus

Thu, 2018-07-12 15:01

JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…

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Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote

Thu, 2018-07-12 12:37

WASHINGTON—Indulging his secret weakness for rule-breaking after months of toeing the unbreakable line of Republican politics as usual, Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan used his monthly cheat day to indulge in one single bipartisan vote. “God, it feels so naughty—it really is naughty—but after weeks…

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Love On A Budget

Thu, 2018-07-12 10:54

Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate…

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Tearful Trump Admits NATO Alliance Closest Thing To Friendship He’s Ever Had

Wed, 2018-07-11 17:41

BRUSSELS—Suddenly overcome by a swell of emotion while rebuking the other members for their unwillingness to share the burden of mutual security obligations, a tearful President Trump admitted Wednesday to his fellow world leaders that the NATO alliance is the closest thing to friendship he’s ever had. “I’m sorry to…

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Trump Demands NATO Allies Match U.S. Commitment To Prioritizing Military Spending Over Healthcare

Wed, 2018-07-11 17:11

BRUSSELS—Blasting member states for failing to contribute their “fair share,” President Trump demanded at a summit meeting Wednesday that NATO allies match the U.S. commitment to making military spending a far greater national priority than healthcare. “In the United States, we’ve gone above and beyond to make sure…

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Skin And Bare It

Wed, 2018-07-11 16:08
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Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer

Wed, 2018-07-11 13:50

LAKE BLUFF, IL—Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present…

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Pet Gerbil Has Been Absolutely Crushing It Lately

Wed, 2018-07-11 13:31

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the…

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Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop

Wed, 2018-07-11 13:16

HOUSTON—Concluding the emotional response occurs shortly after the initial crack and thud, a study published Wednesday in The American Journal Of Psychology has discovered a link between feelings of guilt and the bleeding man desperately clinging to your car’s hood, screaming at you to stop the vehicle.

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Eviction Notice All Business

Wed, 2018-07-11 10:55

NEW YORK—Shocked that the personal correspondence would take such a cold and impersonal tone, delinquent tenant Ross Grimley, 28, found the eviction notice posted on the door of his apartment to be disturbingly all business. “I thought they would at least give me a ‘good morning’ before getting down to brass tacks,…

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Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time

Tue, 2018-07-10 15:37

LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and…

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