The Onion

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Updated: 13 hours 59 min ago

‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria

Thu, 2018-04-12 16:54

WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr.…

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Convulsing Teen Bleeding From Eyes, Nose Thinks He Can Feel The Synthetic Weed Kicking In

Thu, 2018-04-12 14:11

RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might…

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Aides Trying To Talk Trump Out Of Sending Associates To Break Into Watergate Office Complex 

Thu, 2018-04-12 14:08

WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of thinking long and hard about what a scandal like that could do to his career, White House aides spent hours Thursday trying to talk Donald Trump out of sending associates to break into the Watergate office complex. “Mr. President, I don’t think anyone from the DNC has worked…

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Paul Ryan Will Not Seek Reelection

Thu, 2018-04-12 13:42

Speaker Paul D. Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection in November, ending his brief tenure in the House of Representatives and likely kicking off a battle for his successor. What do you think?

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Trump Boys Announce They Will Not Hesitate To Egg Russia If Provoked

Thu, 2018-04-12 12:48

WASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against rival foreign powers, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump announced Thursday that if Russia continues to provoke the United States, they will not hesitate to egg targets in Moscow. “We like those guys, but make no…

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Nutritionists Recommend Increasing Intake Of Whatever Will Earn You Free T-Shirt From Restaurant

Thu, 2018-04-12 12:39

STORRS, CT—Researchers at the University of Connecticut’s Nutritional Sciences Department released a statement Thursday recommending Americans increase their intake of whatever food will earn them a free T-shirt. “Whether the meal required for nutritional and sartorial lifestyle supplementation be a five-pound…

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My Great-Grandfather Came To This Country With Nothing But $10 In His Pocket, $300,000 In His Bank Account, And A Dream

Thu, 2018-04-12 12:18

When I stop and think about all the strides my family has made since my great-grandfather Wenzel immigrated to America, I can’t help but be filled with pride. It all began with that brave first step Great-Grandpa took when he left his native Austria, not knowing what the future held in store. Things weren’t easy for…

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Supply Chain Migration

Thu, 2018-04-12 11:37
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Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant

Thu, 2018-04-12 11:09

Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.

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Cellmate Tired Of Suge Knight’s Constant Stories Of ’90s Rap Beefs

Thu, 2018-04-12 10:38

LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was…

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Report: God Directly Communicating With You Through This Headline

Thu, 2018-04-12 10:26

EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.

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T.J. Miller Arrested For Alleged Fake Bomb Threat

Thu, 2018-04-12 10:13

Former Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller is facing a federal charge after allegedly calling in a false threat suggesting that a passenger on his Amtrak Train had a bomb in her purse. The sentence could carry up to a five-year prison sentence. What do you think?

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Fairness Win: The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Is Removing Every Musician Who Used Marijuana To Help In Writing Their Songs

Thu, 2018-04-12 10:10

Rock music has captured America’s imagination for decades, but there is a longstanding underbelly of the industry that no one ever seems to want to talk about. But now one major institution is opening a dialogue and righting a major wrong: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is removing every musician who used marijuana…

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New UPS Extended-Tracking Numbers Give Customers Updates On Delivery Driver’s Location For Years After Package Drop-Off

Thu, 2018-04-12 10:06

ATLANTA—Claiming that their new Extended Tracking™ feature would provide customers with additional security and peace of mind, UPS introduced new ordering metrics Wednesday designed to give updates on a delivery driver’s location for years after they have dropped off customers’ packages. “For an extra $5.99, we’re now…

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FBI Raid On Trump’s Lawyer Sought Files Related To ‘Access Hollywood’ Tape

Wed, 2018-04-11 17:45

Federal agents who recently raided the office of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen were searching for all records related to the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape as well as evidence that he made payments to suppress evidence of Trump’s affairs. What do you think?

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Congress Reassures Nervous Zuckerberg They Won’t Actually Do Anything About This

Wed, 2018-04-11 15:09

WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the uneasy tech mogul’s nerves during his congressional hearing Wednesday, members of the U.S. House of Representatives reassured Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg that they weren’t actually going to be doing anything about any of this. “Mr. Zuckerberg, the members of this committee have…

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