The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 9 hours 53 sec ago

Study: Sperm Counts Plunging In Western World

Mon, 2017-07-31 17:19

A new study has found that sperm counts among men in North America and Europe have decreased by 59 percent since 1973. What do you think?

Categories: The Onion

Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb

Mon, 2017-07-31 17:07

WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than two weeks, a worried populace told reporters Monday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL, echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn. “This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.” At press time, the American populace was wearily hoping it ...

Categories: The Onion

U.S. Forces Take Control Of White House

Mon, 2017-07-31 16:19
Categories: The Onion

Blissed-Out, Hemp-Wearing Sean Spicer Assures Reince Priebus This The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Him

Mon, 2017-07-31 14:21

DELRAY BEACH, FL—Inviting the recently fired White House chief of staff to take a load off and embrace his newfound freedom, a blissed-out, hemp-wearing former press secretary Sean Spicer reportedly assured Reince Priebus on Monday that leaving the White House was the best thing that ever happened to him. “Seriously, man, that place was toxic—after I got out of there, it was like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders,” said the serene, baja-hoodie-clad former spokesman, offering Priebus some of his homemade kombucha and his copy of Alan Watts’ Become What You Are while assuring him that leaving the Trump administration would allow him to find a sense of tranquility and spiritual reconnection. “I take long walks now. I read. I meditate. Remember how flustered I used to get? The other day, someone totally screwed up my lunch order, but I didn’t even let it ...

Categories: The Onion

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

Mon, 2017-07-31 13:09

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month. “Let’s see, how many miles was that Saturday?” Earnhardt reportedly said to himself before jotting down the mileage total, his full legal name, and the date of his 2017 Overton’s 400 race onto a form titled “2017 Driver Reimbursement Requests,” before rifling through his glove compartment to find a missing gas receipt from a race earlier in the month. “Jesus, this whole thing is always such a fucking hassle, and of course H.R. is going to send this right back to me because I filled out something wrong, like they always do. I’m still owed like 10 grand from the 2016 Sprint Cup Series ...

Categories: The Onion

Troubling Report Finds Millions Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Getting Up And Going To Work Every Day

Mon, 2017-07-31 12:58

WASHINGTON—In a sobering new report that lays bare a hard truth about today’s economy, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed Monday that many Americans have no choice but to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day. “There are more than 100 million adults in this nation who, to provide for themselves and their families, must wake up in the morning, get out of bed, and go to a job where they are required to complete a series of tasks assigned to them by a supervisor,” the report read in part, noting that all demographic groups were equally likely to resort to almost daily employment just to scrape by. “This is the harsh reality so many are forced to grapple with. Perhaps most troubling is the fact that if they don’t get up and go to work, they will lose their ...

Categories: The Onion

Jeff Bezos Briefly World’s Richest Person

Mon, 2017-07-31 11:14

A spike in Amazon shares briefly made the company’s founder and CEO Jeff Bezos the world’s richest person, before slipping to third place behind Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. What do you think?

Categories: The Onion

Woman Bids Farewell To Former Self Before Beginning New Skin Care Regimen

Mon, 2017-07-31 02:00

CHANUTE, KS—Taking one last long look at herself in the bathroom mirror, local woman Enid Mulvey bid farewell to her former self Monday before beginning a brand-new skin care regimen. “When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different—a whole new woman will be born,” said Mulvey, preparing for the complete transformation that was to come from the moisturizer, toner, and exfoliant she had just purchased and had arrayed on the edge of the sink. “This is the moment where I part ways forever with my old life. Soon I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, fresh and beautiful, a vision of loveliness that did not exist but hours ago. Adieu, my ordinary self, adieu!” At press time, Mulvey’s eyes were puffed up and her skin was covered in hives after suffering an allergic reaction to her new makeup remover.

Categories: The Onion

Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

Fri, 2017-07-28 19:36

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with. “I’m just lucky that I came into this role with effectively no personal honor whatsoever, or this could have really stung,” said Priebus, who explained that, having spent years overseeing the Republican Party and suffering regular mockery and derision at the hands of his colleagues and regular citizens alike, his unceremonious ouster from one of the highest political positions in the United States could, at this point, largely just roll off his back. “I can’t imagine how awful it would have been to be fired by the president over social media—not to mention ...

Categories: The Onion

Biggest Snubs From The MLB Hall Of Fame

Fri, 2017-07-28 15:54
Categories: The Onion

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

Fri, 2017-07-28 15:48

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum. “With this exciting new acquisition, visitors will able to see for their own eyes some of the many millions of dollars Alex Rodriguez earned by playing the game of baseball,” said museum director Jeff Idelson, adding that the authentic cashed game checks will be displayed inside a protective glass case within the museum’s Baseball Timeline Wing beside an interactive screen that lets guests compare the size of Rodriguez’s salary to their own. “The exhibit will feature the $1,000,000 bonus from his rookie contract, as well as at least $50,000 from every ...

Categories: The Onion

Senate Votes Down GOP’s ‘Skinny’ Obamacare Repeal

Fri, 2017-07-28 14:59

In a late-night vote on a bill to repeal the Affordable Care Act, Republican senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins voted with Democrats to defeat the measure. What do you think?

Categories: The Onion

5 Things To Know About Anthony Scaramucci

Fri, 2017-07-28 14:06
Categories: The Onion

Report: Buddy Dysmorphia Sufferers Experience Skewed, Negative Perception Of Shape Of Friends

Fri, 2017-07-28 13:06

NEW YORK—Calling it an everyday struggle for millions of young dudes, a new report released Friday by researchers at New York University found that those suffering from buddy dysmorphia experience a skewed, deeply negative perception of the shapes of their friends. “It doesn’t matter if I’m at home, at the gym, or at a bar—every time I look at my buddy I’m disgusted,” said Mike Oscoff, 19, a study participant who said he was ashamed to admit it, but half the time, he wished he could just keep his embarrassing buddy covered up. “I mean, we live in a society that constantly tells us our buddies aren’t good enough. After living your whole life with buddy-shame issues, it’s no wonder some of us just sit home alone.” Oscoff added that he’d like to be proud of his buddy because, after all, he ...

Categories: The Onion

Officials Warn Consumers Of Counterfeit Tickets Ahead Of Solar Eclipse

Fri, 2017-07-28 12:04

WASHINGTON—Saying the agency has already detected numerous instances of the fraudulent activity, the Federal Trade Commission warned consumers Friday to watch out for counterfeit tickets being sold to the upcoming solar eclipse. “We advise people to be on the lookout for unauthorized agents selling fake paper and/or electronic tickets to the total solar eclipse on August 21,” said Thomas Pahl, acting director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection, explaining that an estimated 5,000 phony tickets to the astronomical phenomenon have already been sold through outlets such as Craigslist and eBay, with prices ranging from $25 for general admission passes to thousands of dollars for bogus “all-access” VIP packages. “Unfortunately, this kind of scam isn’t uncommon with must-see events like this one. While we’re doing our best to crack down on these sham vendors, we want to remind everyone that caution is always the ...

Categories: The Onion