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Updated: 4 hours 57 min ago

Report: Not Protecting Children Very Well Saved U.S. $5 Trillion Over Last Decade

Mon, 2022-08-15 11:30

BALTIMORE—Amid concerns about economic stagnation and rising federal debt, an encouraging report released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that not protecting children very well saved the United States around $5 trillion over the last decade. “Our data shows that refraining from investments in…

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Everything The FBI Seized During The Raid At Mar-A-Lago

Mon, 2022-08-15 08:54

FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized.

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New Texas Law Requires Gun Buyers To Show Proof Of Mental Illness

Mon, 2022-08-15 08:45

AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “vital” first step toward regulating mass shootings, Texas lawmakers passed a new law Monday that requires gun buyers to show proof of mental illness. “Starting today, all prospective firearm owners must be evaluated by a state-licensed physician and be able to document that they currently…

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Study Finds Spiders Sleep In Way Similar To Humans

Mon, 2022-08-15 06:00

Researchers have published a new study in which they observed that at night baby jumping spiders showed patterns such as legs twitchings and eyes flickering that looked very similar to REM sleep, an active phase of sleep experienced by humans. What do you think?

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Armed Man Tries To Breach FBI Office In Cincinnati

Fri, 2022-08-12 15:30

An armed man suspected of trying to breach the FBI’s Cincinnati field office was killed after an hours-long standoff with law enforcement, the attack coming just days after agents from the bureau served a search warrant at the home of former president Trump. What do you think?

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‘We Have No Plans To Scrap The Flash At This Time,’ Says Bruised, Trembling Warner Bros. CEO

Fri, 2022-08-12 12:20

BURBANK, CA—Visibly shaken with fresh bruising on his face, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced Friday that the studio had no plans to scrap upcoming DC Comics film The Flash at this time. “I just wanted to take a moment to clarify that The Flash will be released as planned in June 2023, despite, um,…

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FBI Sent Itemized Bill For 12-Hour Stay At Mar-A-Lago

Fri, 2022-08-12 11:30

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Faxing the government agency a detailed invoice days after a raid at the property, a Mar-A-Lago front desk employee reportedly sent the FBI an itemized bill Friday for their 12-hour stay at the resort. “Thank you for visiting Mar-A-Lago, please find an itemized invoice of your expenses attached,”…

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Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again

Fri, 2022-08-12 09:07

After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.

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Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America

Fri, 2022-08-12 07:15

CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a medical professional, I have no choice but to sit this man down, look him…

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Startling Evidence Finds Pentagon Failed To Stop Pakistani Wedding Despite Prior Knowledge

Fri, 2022-08-12 07:00

WASHINGTON—Calling into question the Defense Department’s tactical readiness, startling evidence released Friday revealed that the Pentagon failed to stop a Pakistani wedding despite prior knowledge that it would occur. “It’s deeply troubling to learn that top Pentagon officials knew in advance that Pakistani couple…

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Department Of Transportation Reduces Commute Times By Adding Highway Nitro Strips

Fri, 2022-08-12 06:30

WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday Americans reach their office safely and in a fraction of the time by rocketing…

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Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth

Fri, 2022-08-12 06:15

ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite cable with a few buddies from the ISS, and the next thing I know I’m…

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New Study Finds Women Can Have 3 Types Of Orgasms

Fri, 2022-08-12 06:00

A new study has found that women can have three types of orgasms, test subjects using a bluetooth-connected vibrator to record the pelvic floor contraction patterns: an avalanche, a volcano, or a wave, with the wave motion being the most common. What do you think?

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Nickelodeon Offers To Buy TV Rights To Jennette McCurdy’s New Memoir

Thu, 2022-08-11 16:20

NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights to Jennette McCurdy’s new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. “Nickelodeon would like to submit a bid to secure the rights to Jennette McCurdy’s harrowing memoir…

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Trump Invokes 5th Amendment In N.Y. Civil Probe Of His Business Dealings

Thu, 2022-08-11 15:51

Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General’s probe into the Trump Organization’s business practices, a move he once claimed was a sign of guilt. What do you think?

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