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Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell

Sun, 2018-10-28 11:00

LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school teacher Elizabeth Reath told reporters this weekend that she could already tell which of her students at First Baptist Church of Langhorne were going to Hell. “At this point in my career, I can tell just…

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Slug Just Taking It Easy Today

Sat, 2018-10-27 10:00
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‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Released

Fri, 2018-10-26 17:59

The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Red Dead Redemption series, hailed by some reviewers as the most realistic open-world video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?

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Trump Boys Smash Father’s Cell Phone To Search For Chinese Spies

Fri, 2018-10-26 15:04

WASHINGTON—Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly smashed their father’s cell phone Friday to search for Chinese spies, shouting demands that the tiny operatives come out of the receiver with their hands up. “When we heard all these little Chinese guys snuck into our dad’s phone and started listening to all the things…

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Saudis Tout Hundreds Of Yemeni Lives Saved By Spending So Much Time Focused On Killing Khashoggi

Fri, 2018-10-26 13:03

RIYADH—Championing the brutal murder and dismemberment of the journalist as a humanitarian effort, Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman on Friday reportedly touted the hundreds of Yemeni lives saved by the Saudis’ spending so much time focused on killing Jamal Khashoggi. “I can now confirm that the death of Mr.…

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Pros And Cons Of Genetic Testing For Ancestry

Fri, 2018-10-26 12:45

The popularity of DNA testing for ancestry by companies like 23andMe and AncestryDNA has skyrocketed in recent years as people seek to know more about their pasts, but critics warn of unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of genetic testing for ancestry.

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Report: Logan’s Mom Put Him On A Diet

Fri, 2018-10-26 12:40

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Noting the dramatic change in snacks and beverages made available at the Pisinski household, sleepover sources confirmed Friday that Logan’s mom had put him on a diet. “He’s not allowed to have any soda or candy, plus his mom put all the bags of chips way up high in the pantry so he can’t reach them,”…

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‘Kavanaugh Effect’ More Likely To Benefit Democrats Than Republicans

Fri, 2018-10-26 12:16

A USA TODAY/Suffolk University poll found that voters swayed by the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation process became more likely to vote Democrat than Republican. What do you think?

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Buzz Aldrin Recalls How Easy It Was Getting To The Moon

Fri, 2018-10-26 11:44

SATELLITE BEACH, FL—Referring to the Apollo 11 spaceflight and lunar landing as a “walk in the park,” astronaut Buzz Aldrin recalled Friday the relative ease with which he and fellow astronauts Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins reached the moon during heir 1969 mission. “We wore special suits and so on, as I’m sure…

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