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New Report Finds Fastest-Rising Cause Of Death In U.S. Is Losing Chess Match To Grim Reaper

Fri, 2018-06-29 11:20

AUSTIN, TX—Shedding light on the dangers of challenging death, a new report published Friday found that the fastest-rising cause of death in the U.S. is losing a chess match to the Grim Reaper. “After examining recent mortality trends, we have found that the rate at which Americans are dying due to the Grim Reaper…

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Plan To Split California Into 3 States Earns Spot On November Ballot

Fri, 2018-06-29 11:07

California voters will have the chance to decide if the state should be split into three separate states in November after a campaign for the division collected enough signatures. What do you think?

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YouTuber Cringing While Watching Amateurish Early, Current Work 

Fri, 2018-06-29 10:41

LOS ANGELES—Confessing that the “clumsy, ham-handed awkwardness” of his first and latest stabs at the medium make him want to crawl into a hole and die, YouTuber Jacksepticeye, known socially as Seán McLoughlin, confirmed Friday that he could not help but cringe while watching his amateurish early and current work. “I…

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More Bad News For Democrats: Ruth Bader Ginsburg Has Announced She Is Retiring From The Supreme Court To Play Miss Hannigan In A Community Theater Production Of ‘Annie’

Thu, 2018-06-28 12:41

It seems like when it rains it pours for the Democrats, because right after Anthony Kennedy’s retirement announcement, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she too will retire from the Supreme Court in order to play Miss Hannigan in a community theater production of Annie.

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Man Offended By Rude Female Coworker Continuing To Speak Over Him After He Clearly Interrupted Her

Thu, 2018-06-28 11:35

ST. LOUIS, MO—Saying the rude woman in question “didn’t even try to let him finish his interjection,” marketing analyst Kevin Ferris took deep personal offense Thursday when his female coworker continued speaking after he clearly interrupted her. “God, I’ll be right in the middle of butting in and Morgan will just…

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Man Solemnly Realizes There Always Going To Be Other Apartment Hunters Out There Smarter, Faster, More Cunning

Thu, 2018-06-28 11:01

CHICAGO—Resigning himself to the notion that he might never match them for sheer drive, local man Trevor Henning came to the realization Thursday that he would always be up against smarter, faster, and more cunning apartment hunters. “I wonder if there’s a point to even trying when there are people who basically…

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U.S. Birth Rates Dip To 30-Year Low

Thu, 2018-06-28 10:44

The U.S. birth rate has fallen to 1.8 births per woman, the lowest recorded since 1978. What do you think?

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