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Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address

Tue, 2019-02-05 22:16

WASHINGTON—As delighted shrieks and gasps echoed through the Capitol building, hundreds of vibrating chairs reportedly tilted and sprayed water Tuesday at a lively joint session of Congress during the nation’s first 4D State of the Union address. “So cool. The seats got bumpy and violently shook when Trump talked…

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Trump Claims Greatest Threat Facing Nation Toys Coming To Life While Owner Not In Room

Tue, 2019-02-05 22:08

WASHINGTON—In a State of the Union address largely devoted to what he described as “our gravest national security threat,” President Trump used his speech Tuesday night to warn the American people of the severe danger posed by toys coming to life when their owner leaves the room. “Folks, as soon as you close the door,…

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Top Democrats Call On Virginia Governor To Resign

Tue, 2019-02-05 17:05

After the release of photos appearing to show Ralph Northam in blackface or a Ku Klux Klan hood, top Democrats, including Senator Chuck Schumer, have called on the Virginia governor to resign. What do you think?

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Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election

Tue, 2019-02-05 15:32

WASHINGTON—Expressing a mixture of shame and confusion over her recent selection by Democrats to deliver their party’s official State of the Union response, Stacey Abrams wondered Tuesday exactly when she should confess to party leaders that she had lost her election. “I just got so wrapped up in the excitement over…

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Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups

Tue, 2019-02-05 14:23

MONTGOMERY, AL—Expressing their confusion about the exact thought process behind the designation, the Southern Poverty Law Center admitted Tuesday that they had no idea how the Dannon Yogurt company had gotten onto their annual list of hate groups. “We pride ourselves on maintaining an accurate list of organizations…

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New ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists

Tue, 2019-02-05 13:27

LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on a possible key plot point of the upcoming film Avengers: Endgame, an emerging theory among fans of the Marvel franchise suggests the key to beating Thanos could be nothing, nothing at all, because he isn’t real and none of this exists, sources reported Tuesday. “They left plenty of Easter…

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Dem Good Looking

Tue, 2019-02-05 11:09
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City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die

Tue, 2019-02-05 11:06

BOSTON—With hundreds gathered in the street upon which the actor and filmmaker will collapse and never recover on a warm July night in 2044, city officials in Boston unveiled a new plaque Tuesday that marks the location where Ben Affleck is going to die. “As I look into this crowd, I see people who, in 25 years, five…

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Elizabeth Warren Apologizes For DNA Test

Tue, 2019-02-05 11:02

In a call to the principal chief of the Cherokee Nation, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren apologized for a DNA test she released in October suggesting she had Native American ancestry and reiterated that she is not a citizen of any tribal nation. What do you think?

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Reconstruction Finally Completed On Field Destroyed By United Flight 93

Tue, 2019-02-05 10:56

SHANKSVILLE, PA—Declaring the 17-year project “a testament to the resilience of the human spirit,” Somerset County officials announced Tuesday that the reconstruction of the empty field destroyed by United Airlines Flight 93 has finally been completed. “America is all about never giving up, and I think visitors will…

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Kanye West Named New Face Of Yeezy

Mon, 2019-02-04 16:25

LOS ANGELES—Suggesting that the partnership would elevate the brand to new levels of cultural prominence, Adidas CEO Kasper Rørsted announced Monday that rapper Kanye West had agreed to become the new face of Yeezy. “We just feel Mr. West represents the values of this brand perfectly,” said Rørsted, adding that the…

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Venezuela President: U.S. Invasion Would Be Worse Than Vietnam

Mon, 2019-02-04 15:53

After President Trump recognized the country’s opposition leader, contested Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro cautioned that any U.S. involvement could risk a crisis worse than Vietnam. What do you think?

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Every Baby Boomer In Country Urged To Resign After Photos Emerge Of Them In Blackface

Mon, 2019-02-04 14:51

WASHINGTON—With pressure mounting on members of the generation to step down amid accusations of racism, sources confirmed every baby boomer in the United States had been urged to resign Monday after images surfaced in which they can be seen wearing blackface makeup. “Although those photos do not represent who we are…

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7 Total Randos Found Dead

Mon, 2019-02-04 14:12

SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven total randos had been found dead. “All seven were discovered last night within a few miles of each other, leading investigators to just go, um, what?” said Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling…

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Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job

Mon, 2019-02-04 13:33

CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find a job. “You know, I actually have a friend in the media business, and if…

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Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park

Mon, 2019-02-04 13:12

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Claiming their responsibility to protect the lives of visitors and employees outweighs any potential inconvenience, officials announced Monday that Yosemite National Park would be closed indefinitely following a confirmed black bear sighting in the park’s Hodgdon Meadow region. “We’ve made an…

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