The Onion

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Updated: 2 hours 22 min ago

Critics Question Why Kyle Rittenhouse Singled Out In Kyle Rittenhouse Trial

Thu, 2021-11-11 15:15

KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that the prosecution had demonstrated flagrant bias throughout the proceedings, critics questioned Thursday why Kenosha County Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger had repeatedly singled out Kyle Rittenhouse over the course of the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. “Not a day has gone by during this…

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What’s Causing Global Supply Chain Issues?

Thu, 2021-11-11 13:55

Supply chain disruptions across the globe have led to record shortages of many consumer products and industrial commodities, with many experts warning the problems are likely to get worse. The Onion looks at the major causes of the current global supply chain issues.

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Teen’s Eyes Begin Glowing Red While Reciting Forbidden Knowledge From Book On Critical Race Theory

Thu, 2021-11-11 13:50

FORT MYERS, FL—His bedroom walls quivering and cracking the moment he opened the secret tome, local teen Charlie Donnell reportedly found his eyes beginning to glow red Thursday as he recited forbidden knowledge from a book containing critical race theory. “The fact of slavery refuses to fade, along with the deeply…

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Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope

Thu, 2021-11-11 13:50

WASHINGTON—In a display of its ongoing commitment to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Congress passed a measure Thursday approving the acquisition of an empty paper towel roll for NASA to use as a telescope. “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a…

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Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace

Thu, 2021-11-11 13:45

Most women in the workplace repeat this single thought over and over in their heads until it’s time to clock out and become a woman in the elevator, a woman on the train, a woman in the home, and so on.

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Climate Scientists Warn That Fish Will Be Under Even More Water By 2065

Thu, 2021-11-11 12:05

SEATTLE—Citing models that showed how rising temperatures and melting sea ice were contributing to the phenomenon, scientists affiliated with the Climate Impacts Group at the University of Washington warned Thursday that fish would be under even more water by the year 2065. “If we fail to combat the climate crisis,…

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Singapore To End Free Covid-19 Treatment To Those ‘Unvaccinated By Choice’

Thu, 2021-11-11 09:00

Singapore, considered to have one of the world’s best healthcare systems, has announced it will no longer cover medical bills for people who are “unvaccinated by choice” due to their disproportionate strain on resources. What do you think?

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‘Where’s The Rest Of It?’ Screams Yale President Standing Over Shaking Alumni Fundraiser Who Didn’t Make Quota

Thu, 2021-11-11 09:00

NEW HAVEN, CT—Rolling a copy of the Yale Alumni Magazine into a makeshift but effective bludgeon, Yale university president Peter Salovey demanded Wednesday that the trembling, weeping alumni fundraiser getting blood on his office floor tell him where the rest of the money was. “You dumb motherfucker, this ain’t…

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Capitol Riot Suspect Seeking Political Asylum In Belarus

Wed, 2021-11-10 17:32

An American who faces criminal charges from the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol is seeking asylum in Belarus, which doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S., in a move that may heighten tensions between the turbulent former Soviet state and the U.S. What do you think?

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The Bitter Vend

Wed, 2021-11-10 15:26
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Time For The Talk, Young Gamers: Sex Is Like A Wonderful 2 Player Co-Op Game With Someone You Love

Wed, 2021-11-10 15:00

Hey there, young gamers! We know you look to OGN for the latest news and commentary for all things gaming-related, but now that you’re getting a little older, it’s time for us to have a bit of a different conversation. So hunker down, because it’s time to talk about how sex is like a wonderful co-op game with someone…

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Climate Summit Sets Ambitious Goal To Phase Out Fossil Fuels By Time Earth Runs Out Of Them

Wed, 2021-11-10 13:55

GLASGOW—Calling the agreement a historic moment in the fight against the generation-defining threat, world leaders at the COP26 climate conference told reporters Wednesday that they had set the ambitious goal of phasing out fossil fuels entirely by the time the Earth runs out of them. “This conference recognizes…

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Distracted God Accidentally Puts Baby’s Soul In Envelope To Utility Company

Wed, 2021-11-10 13:15

THE HEAVENS—Realizing His error after Heaven’s holy lights were shut off, a distracted God, Our Lord, and Heavenly Father accidentally put a baby’s soul in an envelope Wednesday to the utility company. “Shit, shit, shit, I can’t believe I unintentionally sent that baby’s soul to the electric company,” said The Divine…

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K-Y Introduces Personal Mouth Lubricant For Extra Sloppy Kisses

Wed, 2021-11-10 12:35

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Expanding beyond its popular line of sexual enhancement aids, K-Y introduced a new personal mouth lubricant Wednesday that, according to the manufacturer, has been designed to heighten intimacy by allowing those who apply the product to enjoy extra sloppy kisses. “This water-based, water-soluble mouth…

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Scenes From U.S. Lifting Covid Travel Restrictions

Wed, 2021-11-10 12:30

On Nov. 8, 18 months after the coronavirus pandemic began, the U.S. lifted travel restrictions for vaccinated people from many countries. The Onion was on the ground bearing witness to scenes from the lifted travel restrictions.

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