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Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Tue, 2020-03-24 17:38

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about

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Woody Allen’s Memoir Released After Being Dropped By Original Publisher

Tue, 2020-03-24 17:23

Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?

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Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

Tue, 2020-03-24 17:18

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores,…

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Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020

Tue, 2020-03-24 16:09

The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?

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CDC Launches Coronavirus Bot For Americans To Check Symptoms

Tue, 2020-03-24 14:29

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara, a bot that asks users questions about their cold or flu-like symptoms and provides recommendations about whether to seek medical attention. What do you think?

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Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

Tue, 2020-03-24 13:55

WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of CDC restrictions Tuesday to let Covid-19 get to work. “The economy is hurting—we must send the coronavirus back into our office buildings, schools, and factories,” said…

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Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing

Tue, 2020-03-24 12:33

SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless…

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Tips For Telecommuting

Tue, 2020-03-24 11:47
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6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun

Tue, 2020-03-24 09:00

Can’t tell Peanut he doesn’t know how to party. Guess how old this lovable mutt just turned in dog years!

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GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

Mon, 2020-03-23 18:32

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend…

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God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass

Mon, 2020-03-23 16:31

The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.

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Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President

Mon, 2020-03-23 16:21

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in…

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Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week

Mon, 2020-03-23 15:46

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent…

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Ohio Orders Halt To Most Abortions During Coronavirus Pandemic

Mon, 2020-03-23 14:40

Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.” What do you think?

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Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse

Mon, 2020-03-23 14:13

BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about…

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Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work

Mon, 2020-03-23 13:21

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?” said…

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Americans Seek To Stay Social While Self-Isolating

Mon, 2020-03-23 13:00

 As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think?

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Dog Not Sure How To Interpret Crazy Dream Where It Saw Squirrel, Barked At Squirrel

Mon, 2020-03-23 12:52

OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my…

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