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Updated: 5 hours 57 min ago

Elon Musk Demands Twitter Servers Explain What All These Wires For

Tue, 2022-11-15 16:00

SAN FRANCISCO—As part of his initiative to streamline the back end of the platform, Elon Musk reportedly demanded Tuesday that the remaining Twitter servers explain to him in detail what all the wires were for. “These ones here—what do they do, exactly?” the company’s new owner and CEO said during a visit to Twitter’s…

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God Criticized For Taking Credit For Universe From Black Creator

Tue, 2022-11-15 12:35

THE HEAVENS—After new evidence came to light revealing the true origins of heaven and earth, the Almighty God faced widespread criticism Tuesday for stealing credit for the universe from a Black Creator. “As it turns out, the being long credited as the divine architect of the universe merely registered the patent for…

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What Elon Musk Told Twitter Employees During His First Company Meeting

Tue, 2022-11-15 09:11

Here are the most genius things that Elon Musk told his employees during his first official all-hands meeting as “chief twit.”

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Fox News Host Warns Democrats Trying To Keep Women Single

Tue, 2022-11-15 07:30

Fox News host Jesse Watters is claiming that Democrats are working to keep women single, pointing out that 68% of unmarried women voted blue in the recent election cycle, and that once women “settle down and fall in love,” they will vote Republican. What do you think?

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Old-Fashioned Stalker Thinks Technology Makes Hunting Women Too Easy

Tue, 2022-11-15 07:15

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Reminiscing about the halcyon days when obsessing over someone and painstakingly following her every move was a genuine craft, old-fashioned stalker Marty Chatham told reporters Tuesday he thought technology had made hunting women far too easy. “Maybe I’m just getting old, but there’s something so lazy…

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Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite

Tue, 2022-11-15 07:00

LOS ANGELES—Pledging to never again lose focus on their most important constituents, the Democratic National Committee reportedly vowed Tuesday to make a better effort to reach out to the Hollywood elite. “What these elections have told us loud and clear is that Democrats must get back to our roots as the party of…

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Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory

Mon, 2022-11-14 16:20

The Democrats will retain their control of the Senate after incumbent Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto won a tight reelection race, defying polling expectations and giving Democrats the best overall midterm performance for a sitting party in 20 years. What do you think?

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Steven Spielberg Fondly Recalls How Jewish Upbringing Inspired ‘Jurassic Park’

Mon, 2022-11-14 16:00

LOS ANGELES—Getting nostalgic as he reminisced about his youth and the events that informed his most autobiographical film to date, Steven Spielberg fondly recalled Monday how his Jewish upbringing inspired him to make Jurassic Park. “Though lightly fictionalized, that movie was really an exploration of my childhood,…

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Amazon Prime Acquires Broadcast Rights To NBA’s Showers

Mon, 2022-11-14 13:20

SEATTLE—Touting the new offering as essential viewing for the nation’s dedicated basketball fans, Amazon Prime announced Friday that it had acquired exclusive broadcasting rights to the NBA’s showers. “We are excited to partner with the NBA to give Amazon Prime members access to live streams of every single locker…

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Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President

Mon, 2022-11-14 11:48

After winning the Florida gubernatorial race by a whopping 19 points, many believe Ron DeSantis should receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president in 2024. The Onion asked voters why DeSantis should run, and this is what they said.

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Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11

Mon, 2022-11-14 11:39

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters it was the least he could do to honor the Americans who tragically lost their lives in the attacks, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced plans Monday to once again like porn on the anniversary of 9/11. “Next Sept. 11, I promise the American people that I will, just like I did several years ago,…

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Custody Agreement Designates Wednesdays For Child To Wander Around Entirely On Own

Mon, 2022-11-14 11:38

STEUBENVILLE, OH—In an effort to achieve a fair resolution to the couple’s divorce, Jefferson County Judge Thomas Atcherson decided on a custody agreement this week that designated Wednesdays for local boy Tyler Cardell to wander around entirely on his own. “Tyler will stay with his mother Sunday through Tuesday,…

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Arsonist Worried He Forgot To Turn Stove On Before Leaving House

Mon, 2022-11-14 09:27

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Attempting to reassure himself that the home was probably up in flames right at this very moment, local arsonist Quincy Hooper reportedly expressed concern Monday that he had forgotten to turn the stove on before leaving the house. “Not to be neurotic, but I did leave all four burners on, right?” said…

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Small Study Shows Money Can Buy Happiness For Households Earning Up To $123,000

Mon, 2022-11-14 07:00

A recent study found that most participants given $10,000 reported being happier on a daily basis during the three months they had to spend it than those who did not receive the funds, while those with household incomes over $123,000 reported no noticeable difference. What do you think?

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Week In Review: November 13, 2022

Sun, 2022-11-13 07:00
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