The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 7 hours 20 min ago

Something Fucked-Up Must Have Happened: Every Suspect In This Police Lineup Is A Little Boy In A Sailor Suit Licking A Big Lollipop

Tue, 2018-06-12 10:55

Oh shit. You better buckle the fuck up for this one. Something truly fucked-up must have just happened, because every suspect in this lineup is a little boy in a sailor suit licking a big lollipop.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Don’t Understand Net Neutrality Since That Horse Kicked You In The Head? Hush Now, And Look At The River

Tue, 2018-06-12 10:50

Having trouble understanding the nuances of net neutrality regulation ever since that horse kicked you upside the head? That’s just fine—you relax and look out at the river, now. Look it how the light sparkles off it just right, and don’t you turn around to look at me now, you hear?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trump Touts Success Of Singapore Summit After Securing $10 Billion Trade Deal To Sell Nuclear Warheads To North Korea

Mon, 2018-06-11 21:50

SINGAPORE—Saying the agreement represents a major high point in American international relations, President Trump concluded his summit with Kim Jong-un Monday by securing a $10 billion trade deal to sell both strategic and tactical nuclear warheads directly to North Korea. “There was some negotiating involved in…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Scientists Develop Blood Test That May Predict Woman’s Due Date

Mon, 2018-06-11 17:45

Researchers at Stanford University have produced a blood test that can accurately predict a pregnant woman’s due date, plus or minus 14 days, as an alternative to ultrasounds. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Justify Wakes Up Next To Decapitated Head Of Prized Jockey After Refusing To Throw Triple Crown

Mon, 2018-06-11 16:42

ELMONT, NY—Emitting an ear-piercing squeal while surveying the blood-soaked hay in the stable, American thoroughbred racehorse Justify woke up Monday next to the decapitated head of his prized jockey Monday after refusing to throw the Triple Crown. According to sources, the dazed colt, which had won the Belmont Stakes…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

World Leaders Hope Singapore Summit Will Lead To North Korea Becoming Normal Impoverished Country They Don’t Have To Think About

Mon, 2018-06-11 16:31

PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Dalai Lama Swears He Recognizes Guy At Party From Past Life

Mon, 2018-06-11 15:12

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Couple Fucking At Next Table Obviously On Third Date

Mon, 2018-06-11 14:12

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Unable to help themselves from eavesdropping on the interaction going on in the romantic corner behind them, diners at the Boca Bistro told reporters Monday that the couple fucking at the next table was obviously on their third date. “From the number of excuse-me’s and little exclamations of…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Beyoncé And Jay-Z Launch ‘On The Run II’ Tour

Mon, 2018-06-11 12:09

Beyoncé and Jay-Z have kicked off their continuation of the “On The Run” tour with massive set pieces and a wide selection from their iconic catalogues in a performance at Cardiff, Wales. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

If Deadpool Really Is That Rebellious And Cool, Marvel Won’t Mind Us Using Him In This Unlicensed T-Shirt We’re Selling In Our Store

Mon, 2018-06-11 11:35

Everyone loves how laid-back comic book bad boy Deadpool is, with his witty irreverence and cool disregard for social conventions delighting audiences around the world. ClickHole wants to cash in on all that goodwill, which is why we’re now taking preorders for a completely unlicensed Deadpool shirt even though we…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Resistance Setback: It’s Clear From Robert Mueller’s Investigation That He Thinks Donald Trump And Donald Drumpf Are Two Separate People

Mon, 2018-06-11 10:40

Terrible news, members of the #Resistance: Robert Mueller’s latest moves imply that he thinks Donald Trump and Donald Drumpf are two separate people.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Justify, Bravazo Get Into Skirmish During Belmont Stakes Weigh-In

Sat, 2018-06-09 15:45

ELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage. “As soon as they hit the scales, the horses were in each others’ faces snorting, stomping, and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Assistant Always Follows Warner Bros. CEO With Suitcase Containing Codes To Authorize ‘Collateral Beauty 2’

Fri, 2018-06-08 15:17

LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Curiosity Rover Finds 5 Bucks On Mars

Fri, 2018-06-08 14:25

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pilot Informs Passengers They Will Be Rerouting To Avoid Scary Cloud That Looks Like Shark

Fri, 2018-06-08 13:52

TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students

Fri, 2018-06-08 13:47

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion