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Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon Executives

Thu, 2018-11-29 14:47

WASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of Congress, a Senate resolution to end the U.S. role in the war in Yemen was roundly rejected Thursday by House Raytheon executives. “After a very thorough review, we, the members of the House Raytheon…

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Moon Now Overrun With Cane Toads After Species Accidentally Introduced Into Environment During Apollo 17 Mission

Thu, 2018-11-29 14:13

HOUSTON—Apologizing for the destruction wreaked by the invasive species, NASA announced Thursday that the Moon is now overrun with cane toads after the amphibians were accidentally introduced during the Apollo 17 mission. “Originally, cane toads were brought along by Commander Eugene Cernan as an experiment to…

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Stephen King Stuck At Book Signing For Hours Writing Personalized Novels For Line Of Fans

Thu, 2018-11-29 12:42

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Expressing frustration as he spotted readers stretching out of the door at a local Barnes & Noble, bestselling author Stephen King was reportedly stuck at a book signing for hours Thursday writing personalized novels for fans. “God, every one of them seems to want me to write some little flourish to…

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Millennials No Longer Living With Parents

Wed, 2018-11-28 18:25

A survey conducted by EY found that the percentage of millennials living with parents plunged to 16 percent from 30 percent in 2016, while home ownership has risen from 26 percent to 40 percent. What do you think?

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Nation’s Gynecologists Assure Women That Whatever Gets Stuck In There They Can Get Out

Wed, 2018-11-28 17:21

Rochester, MN—In an effort to mollify patients’ fears about their reproductive health, the nation’s gynecologists held a press conference Wednesday assuring women that whatever gets stuck in there, they can get out. “Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation regarding the female reproductive tract, so we…

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Trump Boys Swallow Luggage Keys In Case They Get Locked Up In Jail And Need To Escape

Wed, 2018-11-28 17:04

WASHINGTON—After procuring a tall glass of chocolate milk to expedite the process, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly swallowed two sets of luggage keys Wednesday in case they went to jail in the near future and needed to escape. “After the keys, we need to gulp down these maps I drew so we can find our way…

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Pros And Cons Of Delaying School Start Time

Wed, 2018-11-28 15:19

Many medical professionals and parents believe that starting school so early in the day has negative consequences for children and families, while others maintain that the school day is fine the way it is. The Onion examines the pros and cons of delaying school start time.

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‘Pope Francis’ Popularity Down Among Catholics

Wed, 2018-11-28 14:35

In the wake of the continued sexual assault scandals plaguing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis’ popularity has declined by 20 percent among U.S. Catholics, putting him roughly on par with Pope Benedict. What do you think?

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Dave Matthews Band Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds Of Human Shit Onto Same Boat Full Of People

Wed, 2018-11-28 12:40

CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how…

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Historians Reveal Thousands Of Immigrants Were Forced To Change Hairstyle At Ellis Island

Wed, 2018-11-28 12:18

NEW YORK—Offering new insights into what life may have been like for people who left their folkways and cultures behind to begin a new life, a group of American historians unearthed documentation that thousands of immigrants were forced to change their hairstyles upon entering the United States at Ellis Island. “Upon…

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Report: Scientists Still Decades Away From Deciphering Wireless Bill

Wed, 2018-11-28 11:56

WASHINGTON—Confessing they had spent more than $25 million on the endeavor, scientists from the National Communication Association announced Wednesday that they were still decades away from deciphering even the most basic components of their wireless bill. “Man, we’re just at a total loss with this thing,” said Dr.…

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Depressed Mueller Wonders What It Is About Him That Makes Everyone Lie To Him

Tue, 2018-11-27 19:08

WASHINGTON—Expressing self-contempt after learning that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort likely violated the terms of his plea deal, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly wondered Tuesday what it was about him that makes everyone lie to his face. “It seems like no one ever tells me the truth—what am I…

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Trump Insists Manafort, Assange Only Discussed How Bad Collusion Is

Tue, 2018-11-27 18:07

WASHINGTON—Downplaying reports that his former campaign chairman may have collaborated with the controversial Wikileaks founder in 2016, President Trump said Tuesday that Paul Manafort and Julian Assange did indeed meet on occasion to discuss how collusion was a bad thing they would “never, ever” do. “Sure, they met a…

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EU Leaders Approve Brexit Deal

Tue, 2018-11-27 17:09

In a major step forward for the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union, leaders of the EU approved a plan that gives Britain a 21-month transition period, thus setting up a December approval vote in the British Parliament. What do you think?

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Biologists Unveil New Taxonomic System Classifying Species By Hotness

Tue, 2018-11-27 16:37

HINXTON, ENGLAND—Confirming the new sorting method would revolutionize our understanding of all life on Earth, biologists worldwide unveiled a new taxonomic system Tuesday for classifying species by hotness. “We’ve discovered that hotness is a far more robust and useful way to organize animals, plants, and microbes…

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NASA Catches Glimpse Of Hard-Charging Curiosity Rover Just Before InSight’s Communications Go Dark

Tue, 2018-11-27 15:57

PASADENA, CA—According to panicking officials at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the new InSight lander successfully touched down on the Red Planet Monday, transmitted a few seconds of footage showing the Mars Curiosity rover charging hard in its direction, and then went completely dark. “In a series of blurry…

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Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue

Tue, 2018-11-27 14:11

NEW YORK—Remembering the mixture of fear and surprise they felt during the dark time in their past, a group of Holocaust survivors recalled the exact day that the Holocaust started right out of the blue, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think there would’ve been some warning signs, but nope—everything was going along…

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