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The Onion
Covid-Paranoid Man Still Won’t Remove Ventilator
MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was so Covid paranoid he still would not remove his ventilator. “It’s been three years since the pandemic started—what’s he going to do, keep wearing it for the rest of his life?” said sister…
I Am No Longer A Feminist After Watching Some YouTube Videos
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
History Of The Women’s Rights Movement
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
My Wife’s A Girl
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
International Women’s Day
Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there could be as many as 15,000 of them in the United States alone. Precisely because of the challenges women face, our most powerful institutions must stand up for this small but influential…
The Misogyny Interwoven Into Our Patriarchal Society Harms Men, Too
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
We Need A Woman On Top Of The White House
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
200 Human Rights Groups Urge U.N. To Intervene Over U.S. Abortion Access
Almost 200 human rights organizations are urging the United Nations to intervene to ensure the United States protects reproductive rights, saying the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade contravenes the U.S.’s international obligations as a U.N. member organization. What do you think?
CDC Issues Dire Warning That Nick Cannon Is Feeling Horny
ATLANTA—Cautioning Americans against the continuing outbreak of fatherhood among the popular television host, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control issued a dire warning Tuesday to alert the public that Nick Cannon was feeling horny. “We urge all U.S. residents, especially women of childbearing age, to…
Walgreens Clarifies Stores Still Selling Plenty Of Household Products That’ll Abort A Fetus
DEERFIELD, IL—Responding to backlash over the pharmacy chain’s recent announcement to cease offering abortion pills in some Republican-dominated states, Walgreens officials clarified Tuesday that the stores still sell plenty of household products that will abort a fetus. “Our household essentials aisle is full of…
New Study Finds Hightailing It Still Most Popular Way Outta Here
ANN ARBOR, MI—Following a comprehensive, decade-long survey conducted by human mobility researchers at the University of Michigan, a new study published Tuesday has confirmed that hightailing it continues to be the most popular way outta here. “Regardless of age, race, or gender, we found that in 62% of cases in which…
Jimmy Carter Beginning To Worry That He Will Never Die
PLAINS, GA—Alarmed that he might live indefinitely, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly began to worry Tuesday that he might never die. “How much longer will I keep going on like this—another decade? Two?” said Carter, staring at his wrinkled, aging face in the mirror and wondering aloud how he could possibly…
Congress Considers Banning TikTok After App Makes Every Senator Bulimic
WASHINGTON—Unveiling a potential bill aimed at combating what members described as a grave risk to public safety, Congress announced Tuesday that it was considering a ban on TikTok after the app made every senator bulimic. “We cannot in good conscience continue to allow the widespread use of an app that gave all 100…
Tennessee Bans Drag Show Performances On Public Property
Tennessee’s governor signed a new bill that bans “adult cabaret entertainment” on public property or in locations where it can be viewed by minors, threatening drag performers with a misdemeanor charge or a felony if it’s a repeat offense. What do you think?
Man Too Chickenshit To Blow Up Oil Refinery Guesses He’ll Try To Eat More Locally
DALLAS—Neither bold nor committed enough to enact true environmental change, local chickenshit Anthony Stanback decided Tuesday that instead of blowing up an oil refinery, he would try to eat more locally sourced food. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start hitting up the farmers market more often,” said the 31-year-old…
U.S. Government Coyly Denies Involvement In Anything Naughty
WASHINGTON—Flirtatiously winking and calling the assembled reporters a bunch of “silly gooses,” the U.S. government coyly denied in a press conference Tuesday that it was involved with anything naughty. “Who, us? We would never, ever! The American government is way too sweet and innocent to go around playing dirty…
Biggest Lies Norfolk Southern Has Told East Palestine Residents
Since a train carrying hundreds of thousands of pounds of toxic chemicals derailed in East Palestine, OH, railroad executives have repeatedly lied to the town’s residents about the accident’s severity. Here are the biggest lies that Norfolk Southern has told those affected by the disaster.