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6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit

Mon, 2018-04-16 06:46

Brandon’s dad never comes to soccer games or school field trips and clearly doesn’t live with Brandon and his family, but Brandon is always making up totally dumbass excuses as to why. Here are six reasons Brandon gave for why his dad isn’t around that everyone can tell are grade-A bullshit.

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Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game

Mon, 2018-04-16 06:43

Looks like some online sleuths have uncovered a bit of gaming history a certain company would rather forget: Fans have located the desert mass grave where Atari buried all the employees responsible for the E.T. video game.

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Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey Buckingham

Fri, 2018-04-13 16:42

Fleetwood Mac has fired Lindsey Buckingham after a disagreement over the band’s upcoming tour, opting to replace the singer of “Go Your Own Way” with Mike Campbell of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Neil Finn of Crowded House. What do you think?

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Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’

Fri, 2018-04-13 15:38

WASHINGTON—Hoping to raise public awareness about a rare deep-space broadcasting phenomenon, the American Astronomical Society published a press release Friday informing citizens that Wednesday night will be their best chance to view NOVΛ on PBS. “Our projections show that stargazers on the east coast will be able to…

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Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward

Fri, 2018-04-13 14:43

LONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional incident of spitting directly into his face by others, Cambridge Analytica whistleblower Christopher Wylie admitted Friday that the last few weeks at work have been unusually awkward. “The vibe has…

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‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

Fri, 2018-04-13 13:59

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…

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Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy

Fri, 2018-04-13 13:43

WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart…

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Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown

Fri, 2018-04-13 12:27

BOSTON—Hoping to minimize his downtime on set between contractions, expectant father Dan Hartfield spent a few hours Friday filming B-roll of his wife’s vagina while waiting for the baby to crown. “Perfect, this is looking fantastic. Honey, could you scoot down a smidge so I can get better light?” said Hartfield,…

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Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll Mace

Fri, 2018-04-13 10:00

COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be…

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A Real Shame: Brian Williams Is Being Forced To Resign From MSNBC After Leaked Documents Have Revealed That He’s A Hillbilly

Fri, 2018-04-13 09:25

Brian Williams once boasted a reputation of being the most trusted name in news, but he’s now found himself in the midst of a controversy that has left him utterly disgraced. In a shocking turn of events, the iconic broadcaster is being forced to resign from MSNBC after leaked documents have revealed that he’s a…

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Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of Skin

Fri, 2018-04-13 09:00

NEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association released a statement Friday recommending thorough, regular checks of the entire body for screaming demonic faces bulging out of your skin. “It’s important to catch these things early, so we suggest…

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Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To Shoot

Fri, 2018-04-13 08:11

A producer for Game of Thrones revealed that a massive battle scene for the eighth and final season of the HBO fantasy series required 55 days of shooting, far longer than any other in the show’s history. What do you think?

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Down To The Wire: Kendrick Lamar Has A Big Concert On Wednesday And His Rap Tutor Is Out Of Town On Vacation

Fri, 2018-04-13 06:27

Kendrick Lamar has been crowned by many as one of rap’s most talented stars, but he’s never been pushed to the brink like this before: According to those close to the rapper, Kendrick Lamar has a big concert on Wednesday, and his rap tutor is out of town on vacation.

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Mike Pompeo Can’t Believe Senate Just Expects He’ll Answer Questions Without Being Tortured First

Thu, 2018-04-12 17:19

WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the relatively tame treatment he had received during his confirmation hearing, Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe the Senate expected him to give answers without even being tortured first. “I thought I was supposed to be grilled on my…

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‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria

Thu, 2018-04-12 16:54

WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr.…

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