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Woman In Waiting Area Feels Twinge Of Betrayal While Watching Her Hairdresser Making Small Talk With Another

Fri, 2018-10-05 15:05

CHICAGO—Increasingly confused and embittered after noticing several eerie similarities over the course of their chit-chat, local woman Carrie Vance reportedly felt a twinge of betrayal Friday while sitting in the waiting room of her local salon and watching her hairdresser make small talk with another customer. “What…

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U.N. Court Orders U.S. To Ease Sanctions Against Iran

Fri, 2018-10-05 14:50

The United Nations ordered the U.S. to ease some of its sanctions on Iran on the import of humanitarian goods and civil aviation. What do you think?

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Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago

Fri, 2018-10-05 14:01

WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) debated Friday whether or not now might be a prudent time to introduce into discussion the seven highly credible murder accusations against Brett Kavanaugh that were given to her in August.…

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Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man

Fri, 2018-10-05 13:20

WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh Friday for destroying the sterling reputation of a good man. “It’s despicable that this individual waited until the 11th hour to engage in offensive, partisan attacks in an attempt to discredit a decent…

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Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller

Fri, 2018-10-05 12:34

WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday to discover his entire body covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through his dreams by a menacing Robert Mueller brandishing fingers covered in razor blades. “Oh, thank God. It was just…

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Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery

Fri, 2018-10-05 12:09

NEW YORK—Suspicious after many patrons noted the hollow thunking noise produced by knocking on the building’s exterior, a group of forensic architects confirmed Friday that the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, long an architectural mainstay of Manhattan’s Upper East side was, in fact, a forgery. “It seems like a legit…

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Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’

Fri, 2018-10-05 11:34

ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing etiquette, a man at a Twin Cities showing of A Star Is Born repeatedly annoyed his fellow moviegoers by screaming “Get out of there, you idiot!” every time Bradley Cooper’s character appeared on the screen.…

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Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award

Thu, 2018-10-04 18:09

LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, actor Alan Alda announced Thursday that while it’s certainly much less important than almost everything else currently transpiring, he does in fact wonder if people are aware he’s getting a…

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Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His Father

Thu, 2018-10-04 17:29

A New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real estate empire, likely through “dubious tax schemes” that raise the spectre of an investigation from the New York Tax Department. What do you think?

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Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report

Thu, 2018-10-04 17:23

WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…

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Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize

Thu, 2018-10-04 16:30

There are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on Friday. The Onion takes a look at the top contenders for this year’s Peace Prize.

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World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium

Thu, 2018-10-04 15:33

STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on…

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Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting Tour

Thu, 2018-10-04 13:18

WASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard words, members of the Hidden Treasures Capitol tour confirmed Thursday that the guide one stop behind them was clearly giving a far more interesting tour. “As we were leaving the Rotunda, I could just…

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5 Things To Know About ‘Venom’

Thu, 2018-10-04 13:12
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Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’

Thu, 2018-10-04 12:59

At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about Brett Kavanaugh multiple times and told them he considers them “part of the Democratic Party.” What do you think?

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Iowa Aims To Keep Young People From Moving Out Of State With New ‘The Stress Will Kill Your Mother’ Retention Campaign

Thu, 2018-10-04 12:23

DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress…

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