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Updated: 10 hours 33 min ago

Segway Suspends Scooter Production

Thu, 2020-06-25 08:43

Owners of the Segway brand say they will stop manufacturing the iconic two-wheeled motorized scooter, which has sold only 140,000 units since it was introduced in 2001. What do you think?

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Researchers Predict Pandemic Could Result In 500,000 Fewer U.S. Births

Wed, 2020-06-24 16:38

Experts at the Brookings Institution say the economic and social hardships created by Covid-19 could result in a “baby bust” where the U.S. could expect to see 300,000 to 500,000 fewer infants born over the next few years. What do you think?

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

Wed, 2020-06-24 14:31

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending…

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Gamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News

Wed, 2020-06-24 14:27

We here at OGN take pride in our readership. We consider you all to be loyal fans who relish our writers’ dedication to this staff’s work. Or, at least, we used to think that about you. Not anymore, though. Why are we angry, you ask?

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Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mecca

Wed, 2020-06-24 13:49

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Declaring that no federal authority could infringe upon state residents’ freedom to go where they pleased, defiant Florida officials announced Wednesday that they will ignore Saudi Arabia’s government lockdown by holding a hajj to Mecca. “No federal authority can use the exaggerated threat of…

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Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void

Wed, 2020-06-24 12:39

CINCINNATI—Saying the conversation with his manager had really helped him see the next steps for his time at the company, Celera Solutions employees Marcus Parker told reporters Wednesday that he had left a recent performance review with the clear, identifiable goal of surrendering to the void. “It wasn’t too long of…

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Pros And Cons Of D.C. Statehood

Wed, 2020-06-24 12:17

The movement to make Washington, D.C. the nation’s 51st state has continued to gain momentum and is emerging as a significant issue in an increasingly polarized country, but the proposal has many critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of granting D.C. statehood.

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Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime From Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Violence

Wed, 2020-06-24 12:14

LOS ANGELES—Insisting their department provided crucial services that help maintain order in the city, law enforcement officials warned Wednesday that defunding the police could lead to a spike in crime from ex-officers with no outlet for their violence. “The truth is that there are violent people in our society, and…

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IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger

Wed, 2020-06-24 09:29

Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it.

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Milky Way Could Harbor 6 Billion Earth-Like Planets

Wed, 2020-06-24 09:17

New calculations reveal the galaxy may be host to nearly six billion rocky, Earth-sized planets that orbit stars at a distance where liquid water could exist on the surface. What do you think?

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Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential

Tue, 2020-06-23 15:50

CHICAGO—Calling it the next “hot, up-and-coming spot” for young professionals, local real estate agent Angela Kirkman stated Tuesday that she believed a flourishing neighborhood full of middle-class Latino families with deep roots in the area had great turnaround potential. “Look, I’ve been in this business a while,…

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Civil Whites

Tue, 2020-06-23 15:05
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Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump

Tue, 2020-06-23 14:59

The Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that the former vice president will participate in three previously scheduled debates against Donald Trump, while criticizing the Trump campaign’s push to add more debates and to help pick the moderators. What do you think?

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MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name

Tue, 2020-06-23 13:03

NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out, the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name. “Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day,…

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Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans

Tue, 2020-06-23 12:51

STANFORD, CA—Highlighting the consequences of decades of U.S. policies that have contributed to rising economic inequality, a new study released Tuesday by Stanford University’s Center on Poverty and Inequality found a widening gap between the nation’s rich pets and poor citizens. “Our data shows a rapidly increasing…

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Tips For Composting

Tue, 2020-06-23 11:20
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