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Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them

Thu, 2019-04-25 19:25

BRISTOL, CT—Cooly asserting that the best choice for everyone at the NFL draft was to “just go with the flow,” an easy-going Mel Kiper predicted Thursday that “the teams will do whatever they feel is right and we shouldn’t judge them.” “Listen, it’s really just not my place to say anything; the teams will pick who…

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Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923

Thu, 2019-04-25 18:55

NASHVILLE, TN—In a long-awaited culmination of the bold strategic move made several seasons ago, the Racine Legion will be selecting second overall in the NFL draft Thursday using a pick the team acquired in 1923. “It’s been a tough century for Racine, but with such a high pick, they may finally be able to replace…

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Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash

Thu, 2019-04-25 16:36

PALO ALTO, CA—Assuring investors that the rogue vehicle would be found and reprogrammed as soon as possible, Tesla announced Thursday that the company had posted a massive first-quarter loss after a self-driving car absconded with $702 million in cash. “Financially speaking, we could have never foreseen that one of…

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Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In

Thu, 2019-04-25 15:23

CHICAGO—Saying that he refused to become just another statistic, local man Frank Campbell disclosed Thursday that he keeps a baseball bat within easy reach of his bed in case any Major League pitchers tried to break in. “It’s all about peace of mind—I’d rather have it and never use it than not have it and get caught…

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Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens

Thu, 2019-04-25 15:16

Samsung is recalling all models of their new foldable phone after reports of breaks, bulges, and inoperational screens. What do you think?

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Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign

Thu, 2019-04-25 14:07

BURLINGTON, VT—Expressing their utter disgust and disappointment over the candidate’s remarks, supporters of presidential contender Bernie Sanders went on the attack Thursday, laying into the Vermont senator for his criticism of mistakes made by the 2016 Bernie Sanders campaign. “These deeply misguided comments make…

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Winter Is Shortcoming

Thu, 2019-04-25 12:06
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CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s

Thu, 2019-04-25 12:02

ATLANTA—Saying that they’d seen a significant spike in reported cases, the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement Thursday warning that the once-eradicated jitterbug has started to spread across the country at a rate not seen since the 1940s. “We thought we had completely wiped…

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I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s

Thu, 2019-04-25 10:50

Since we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the Midwest. Folks love to stop in for a hearty, cooked-to-order meal with family or friends, and our restaurants are pillars of the communities they serve. While it seems unlikely that any serious candidate…

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FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children

Thu, 2019-04-25 09:19

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a device that delivers mild shocks to the brains of children between 7 and 12 years old in order to treat their ADHD. What do you think? 

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Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment

Wed, 2019-04-24 17:59

In the wake of the Mueller report’s release, 2020 candidates including Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren have urged Congress to pursue impeachment proceedings against the president. What do you think?

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John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf

Wed, 2019-04-24 17:22

FLINT, MI—Warning that he ran the only drug game in town as he firmly tugged back on the offender’s hair, Acreage Holdings executive John Boehner beheaded a Juarez Cartel gang member Wednesday in order to thwart an attempt to muscle in on the legal weed game. “Say adios, pendejo!” said the blood-splattered former…

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Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments

Wed, 2019-04-24 16:55

AMES, IA—Attempting to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic that would prevent anyone from getting too worked up, a diplomatic Pete Buttigieg quickly changed the subject Wednesday when politics came up at a town hall event. “Hey, I get asked about political stuff all the time—let’s find something else to…

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Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass

Wed, 2019-04-24 15:14

SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little…

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Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch

Wed, 2019-04-24 13:29

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying the world must act quickly to save the chewy organisms before it was too late, environmentalists warned Tuesday that the world’s Swedish Fish population has been decimated by the Great Pacific Sour Patch. “For years, humanity has increased its sour candy production, dumping unnatural levels of…

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Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities

Wed, 2019-04-24 13:00

Reports that President Trump was considering a plan to release detained undocumented immigrants in the nation’s sanctuary cities has put the spotlight back on a controversial immigration policy. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of sanctuary cities.

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