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Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class

Wed, 2017-12-20 16:12

WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the…

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Cardinal Law Canonized Following Miracle Of Escaping Criminal Prosecution

Wed, 2017-12-20 15:28

VATICAN CITY—Telling reporters that the former Boston archbishop had met the requirements for sainthood, the Roman Catholic Church announced Wednesday that Cardinal Bernard Law would be posthumously canonized following the miracle of escaping criminal prosecution. “After a thorough investigation by the Congregation…

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GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans

Wed, 2017-12-20 14:09

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,”…

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Free Couch Sitting On Curb For Months

Wed, 2017-12-20 13:54

MINNEAPOLIS—Struggling to fathom why no one has yet claimed the perfectly good piece of furniture, local man Adam Ellery told reporters Wednesday that a free couch has been sitting on the curb near his apartment for months.

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Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars

Wed, 2017-12-20 10:29

LUBBOCK, TX—Placing the remainder well out of sight where he wouldn’t be tempted, local man Ben Hart told reporters Wednesday that he finally managed to stop himself after eating three advent calendars. “I said I’d only eat one, but these things are so addicting that I just started popping them in my mouth without…

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Scientists Say Japanese Monkeys Having Sexual Interactions With Deer

Wed, 2017-12-20 10:23

Researchers are struggling to explain adolescent female monkeys in Japan who have repeatedly engaged in unusual sexual behaviors, such as mounting sika deer and grinding their genitals against them. What do you think?

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10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone

Wed, 2017-12-20 10:05

YPSILANTI, MI—Preparing to bear the brunt of the lonely winter vacation, a 10-pack of Swiss Miss hot chocolate was reportedly bracing itself Monday to shoulder the burden of holding together local man Josh Hesford’s depressing holiday alone. “Okay, it’s just me and him for the holidays, but don’t worry, you got this,”…

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Wreck The Halls

Tue, 2017-12-19 16:34
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Pope Francis Celebrates 81st Birthday With Extra-Large Pizza Pie

Tue, 2017-12-19 16:12

Pope Francis reeled in his 81st birthday by blowing out a candle in a 13-foot-long pizza while surrounded by ailing children from the nearby Pediatric Dispensary of Santa Marta. What do you think?

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Study Finds Chickens Would Have No Qualms About Caging, Eating Humans

Tue, 2017-12-19 15:58

MADISON, WI—Saying the animals would not pause for a second if given the chance, a new study published by the University of Wisconsin on Tuesday found that chickens would have absolutely no qualms about caging and eating humans. “All the evidence clearly suggests that chickens would absolutely stuff human beings into…

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I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Watch Another Brett Ratner Movie Again

Tue, 2017-12-19 12:52

As allegations of sexual misconduct implicate more and more powerful men in the film industry, it’s time for all of us to reflect on our own role in a culture that enables these predators. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided that I can no longer support the work of these individuals, even if they’re…

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Man Worried New ‘Jumanji’ Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995

Tue, 2017-12-19 12:33

BUTTE, MT—Concerned the remake would sully his recollection of a perfectly all-right moment from his childhood, local man Ian Cox was worried Tuesday that the new Jumanji movie was going to ruin his memory of a mediocre afternoon in 1995. “When this movie comes out, I’m scared that all of those unexceptional memories…

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Russian Agent Disgusted With Things He Forced To Do To Pass Self Off As Reddit Commenter

Tue, 2017-12-19 10:41

MOSCOW—Uncertain how much longer his psyche could handle the unbearable conditions of the operation, Russian agent Aleksei Yelizarov told reporters Tuesday that he was disgusted with the things he is forced to do to pass himself off as a Reddit commenter. “God, if I have to blend in again by responding to a social…

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Final Season Of 'House Of Cards' Will Star Robin Wright 

Tue, 2017-12-19 10:33

Netflix announced this week that the final season of House of Cards will be refocused to feature female lead Robin Wright in the starring role, a move that comes after cutting ties with Kevin Spacey over numerous sexual assault allegations. What do you think?

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