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White House Announces Obamacare Exchange Now Only Accessible From Single Kiosk In Remote Iowa Cornfield

Fri, 2017-11-03 12:57

WASHINGTON—Stating that the new system is pursuant with the regulations laid out by the Affordable Care Act, the White House announced Friday that the government’s health insurance exchanges would now only be accessible from a single kiosk in a remote Iowa cornfield. “All Americans wishing to sign up for health…

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Man Resolves To Read The Wikipedia Tabs He Already Has Open Before Starting New Ones

Fri, 2017-11-03 11:12

HILLSBORO, TX—Stopping mid-click and forcing himself to finish the entry for Motown, local man Keith Hayes resolved on Friday to get through the six Wikipedia tabs he already had open in his browser before starting any new ones. “No, no, no. I can’t just keep firing up new tabs whenever something in the text seems…

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U.K. County Bans Surgeries For Obese Patients And Smokers

Fri, 2017-11-03 10:04

In a controversial move, one United Kingdom county is restricting non-emergency surgeries for obese people and smokers until they improve their overall health. What do you think?

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How To Make The Most Of This Fall

Thu, 2017-11-02 17:51
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DNC Unveils Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform In Response To Corruption Allegations

Thu, 2017-11-02 17:14

WASHINGTON—Saying that the new organization would be aimed at upholding the political party’s standard of conduct and ideals, the Democratic National Committee unveiled Thursday the Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform in response to recent allegations of election rigging during the 2016 primary. “The DNC is…

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Facebook, Twitter Executives Testify To Congress About Russian Election Meddling

Thu, 2017-11-02 17:11

Executives from Facebook, Twitter, and Google appeared before Congress this week to address their sites’ roles in facilitating Russian interference in the 2016 election. What do you think?

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Beyoncé Begins Painful Surgical Transformation To Prepare For Role In Live-Action ‘Lion King’ Remake

Thu, 2017-11-02 16:33

NEW YORK—In a move that many observers say underscores her commitment to the part, Beyoncé reportedly began a painful surgical transformation Thursday in preparation for her role as the lioness Nala in the live-action remake of The Lion King. “It will take many intensive and frankly excruciating procedures before she…

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Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt To Toss Robert Mueller From Roof

Thu, 2017-11-02 15:21

WASHINGTON—Swerving hard as it sped away down Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump’s limousine reportedly gunned it around a corner and through the streets of the nation’s capital Thursday in a frantic attempt to throw special counsel Robert Mueller from its roof.

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Kevin Spacey Responds To Assault Allegations By Seeking Treatment For Homosexuality

Thu, 2017-11-02 15:15

LONDON—Responding to multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, actor Kevin Spacey announced Thursday that he will immediately be seeking treatment for homosexuality. “In light of my prior actions, I am committed to getting the help I need to make sure that I’ll never be gay again,” said Spacey, adding that he was…

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Purina Debuts New ‘Slovenly Feast’ For Nasty-Ass Shelter Cats

Thu, 2017-11-02 15:01

ST. LOUIS—Offering more affordable fare for the animals rotting away in cages, Purina on Monday debuted new Slovenly Feast for nasty-ass shelter cats. “With the flavors these scraggly, half-dead felines have come to expect, Slovenly Feast is the perfect meal for shelter cats,” said spokesperson Linda Brashear, adding…

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Excitement Shifts To Concern After Coworker Brings Baked Goods Into Office For Fourth Consecutive Day

Thu, 2017-11-02 12:03

CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, coworkers of Angela Shankman told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their colleague brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find…

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Tips For Getting Organized

Thu, 2017-11-02 11:33

Decluttering and getting organized can be one of the most beneficial things for productivity, and it can also give you more peace of mind. Here are some tips for getting and staying organized.

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Study: Regular Pot Smokers Have More Sex

Thu, 2017-11-02 10:43

Stanford researchers found that people who smoke marijuana have sex more often than those who don’t, although the study didn’t a establish a cause for this trend. What do you think?

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White House Staff Frantically Shredding Trump Campaign Aides

Thu, 2017-11-02 10:31

WASHINGTON—In an effort to destroy as much incriminating evidence as possible following the indictments of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, White House staffers reportedly spent Tuesday frantically shredding Trump campaign aides. “We should have done this months ago; we need to shred as many of these campaign aides as we…

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Houston Residents Admit World Series Win Won’t Heal Hurricane-Ravaged City As Much As Super Bowl Win Would

Thu, 2017-11-02 00:03

HOUSTON—The Houston populace admitted to reporters Tuesday night that the Astros’ World Series victory will not heal the hurricane-ravaged city quite as much as a Super Bowl win would. “This will do a lot for us, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not going to usher in the same kind of renewed hope and pride we’d get…

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Netflix Suspends ‘House Of Cards’ Over Kevin Spacey Assault Allegations

Wed, 2017-11-01 17:41

With multiple victims coming forward to accuse star Kevin Spacey of sexual assault, Netflix has indefinitely suspended production on ‘House of Cards.’ What do you think?

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UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Is Immediately Suspending Production On Our Basketball Infographic Video Directed By Brett Ratner

Wed, 2017-11-01 17:14

CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming infographic video directed by Brett Ratner. The 30-second video, entitled “5 Things To Know About The 2017-2018 NBA Season,” would have featured several stock images paired with interesting facts about…

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UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Halted Production On Our Travel Tips Video Narrated By Jeremy Piven

Wed, 2017-11-01 16:38

CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming travel tips video that would have been narrated by Jeremy Piven. The 45-second video would have featured Mr. Piven’s pre-recorded voice placed over still images of vacation spots as well as text bullet…

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