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Recently Discovered 13,000-Year-Old Footprints Reveal Humans Danced The Charleston Earlier Than First Thought

Tue, 2018-04-03 12:52

CALVERT ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In a discovery that defies all current theories concerning when developing humans began to kick up their heels, researchers confirmed Tuesday that a recently discovered set of distinctively patterned footprints found preserved in 13,000-year-old Canadian mud may reveal humans danced…

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Pros And Cons Of Standing Desks

Tue, 2018-04-03 12:26

Standing desks are becoming more popular in workplaces where employees would otherwise sit all day, but not everyone thinks a standing desk is right for them. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a standing desk.

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New Poll Finds Public Becoming More Skeptical Of Profit-Driven Corporate Data Mine Powered By Human Misery

Tue, 2018-04-03 12:07

WASHINGTON—In what experts say is a slight cooling in attitudes towards the blatantly amoral enterprise of emotional exploitation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that the public is becoming more skeptical of the profit-oriented corporate data mine powered by human misery that currently dominates the online…

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Are You Really Just Going To Lie There?

Tue, 2018-04-03 11:07

Hey, baby, I don’t want to ruin the mood right when things are starting to heat up, but is something wrong? It seems like maybe you’re not all that into it tonight. Don’t misunderstand me—I love to please you. That’s what I’m here for, you know that. But I guess what I’m wondering is, well, are you really just going…

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Woman Knows Exactly Which Knife She’d Grab Out Of Cutlery Drawer In Event Of Home Invasion

Tue, 2018-04-03 11:03

AUSTIN, TX—Confident she could defend herself if an intruder ever broke into her home, local woman Annie Stover told reporters Tuesday that in such an event, she would instantly reach for the 6-inch chef’s knife over any other blade in her cutlery drawer. “It’s small enough to be nice and handy, and with its curved…

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Author Says Kellyanne Conway Is ‘Number One Leaker’ In White House

Tue, 2018-04-03 10:53

In an interview Sunday, journalist Ronald Kessler said that Kellyanne Conway, counselor to President Trump, is the “number one leaker” in the White House. What do you think?

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Study: Coffee Drinkers At Far Higher Risk Of Having Mug Crash To Floor In Slow Motion After Hearing Their Father Is Dead

Tue, 2018-04-03 10:36

BERKELEY, CA—In a new study that explores the potentially traumatic effects of habitual caffeine consumption when combined with life-altering news, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Tuesday that coffee drinkers are at a dramatically increased risk of having their mugs crash to the floor…

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Pope Calls For World Peace During Easter Mass

Mon, 2018-04-02 17:19

As tens of thousands gathered in Vatican City, Pope Francis spent his Easter mass calling for peace in parts of the world ravaged by war and conflict, including the Israel-Gaza border, Syria, and several African countries. What do you think?

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Man In Political Argument Clearly Just Regurgitating Monologue From ‘Henry V’

Mon, 2018-04-02 16:55

BALTIMORE—Demonstrating far more passion for his beliefs and capacity for rhetorical flair than actual knowledge of workable climate change solutions, systems analyst Matthew Niles was observed Monday participating in a political argument by blatantly regurgitating the “St. Crispin’s Day” monologue from Henry V. “We…

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Teen On Birthright Trip Hadn’t Expected To See So Many Dead Palestinians

Mon, 2018-04-02 16:23

JERUSALEM—Saying they were pretty hard to miss during her two-week visit to Israel, teenager Sarah Caplan told reporters Monday that she hadn’t expected to see so many dead Palestinians on her Birthright trip. “My friend Kate who came over last year said she noticed a couple, but this is way more dead Palestinians…

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Census Bureau Releases Annual Report On Neighborhood Vibes

Mon, 2018-04-02 14:34

SUITLAND, MD—Having “gotten the scoop” from with-it locals in every geographic region of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau Monday released its 2018 Federal Report On Neighborhood Vibes. “The majority of boroughs considered chill in 2017 maintained their cool, laid-back atmosphere, while most of those on the weirder…

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18-To-35 White, Male Demographic Still Searching For Perfect Way To Quench Its Thirst

Mon, 2018-04-02 14:01

WASHINGTON—Asserting that beverage manufacturers should really make more of an effort to reach their overlooked demographic, America’s 18-to-35-year-old white males confirmed Monday that they are still searching for the perfect way to quench their thirst. “For decades, we’ve been looking for a beverage targeted just…

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Bill Cosby Feeling Better About Retrial Now That Climate Around Sexual Assault Has Cooled Down

Mon, 2018-04-02 13:33

NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing relief that cultural norms had finally shifted in his favor, Bill Cosby was reportedly feeling better about his retrial Monday now that the climate around sexual assault has cooled down. “I’m definitely more optimistic than I was a few months ago,” said the 80-year-old entertainer who stands…

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‘I’m Not Really Looking To Date Right Now,’ Says Man, As If He Not At Mercy Of Love’s Powerful, Mysterious Ways

Mon, 2018-04-02 11:09

NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that he had recently broken up with a longtime partner, local man Pete Kempton, 36, told reporters Monday that he was “not really looking to date right now,” conveying the misguided belief that he was somehow exempt from the all-powerful, mysterious whims of Eros. “It’s been five years since I was…

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God Starting To Worry Heaven May Be Haunted

Mon, 2018-04-02 09:36

THE HEAVENS—Feeling unnerved after sensing a sudden movement in His peripheral vision, an increasingly jumpy God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly starting to worry Monday that Heaven may be haunted. “No, seriously, this is not okay—I’m really freaking the fuck out here,” said the Lord Almighty, adding that He was…

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Adnan Syed Of ‘Serial’ Given New Trial

Mon, 2018-04-02 09:34

Citing the negligence of his original legal counsel, the Maryland Court of Special Appeals has granted a new trial to Adnan Syed, whose conviction of first-degree murder was chronicled on the popular podcast Serial. What do you think?

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