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Actions Have Consequences: In Light Of Her Controversial Remarks, 3 Of The 9 Portraits Of Michelle Wolf Have Been Removed From The Oval Office

Mon, 2018-04-30 15:04

Over the weekend, Michelle Wolf sparked outrage for her audacious speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which brutally roasted several prominent members of the Trump administration. Now, the White House is responding to the situation in a major way: In light of her controversial remarks, three of the nine…

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Cofounder of Burning Man Dead At 70

Mon, 2018-04-30 14:50

Larry Harvey, the guru-like cofounder of Burning Man, has died at the age of 70, leaving behind an anti-establishment legacy embodied in the festival’s spirit. What do you think?

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LeBron James Credits Teammates With Providing 4 Bodies Necessary To Avoid Forfeiture Against Pacers

Mon, 2018-04-30 14:21

CLEVELAND—Generously admitting that he most likely would not have been able to beat the gritty, defensive-minded Pacers all by himself, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James credited his teammates during the post-game press conference Sunday with providing the necessary bodies to avoid forfeiting Game 7 of the…

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Nutritionists Reveal Humans With Proper Diet Should Not Be Defecating

Mon, 2018-04-30 13:30

PALO ALTO, CA—Warning that it is one of the most visible symptoms of serious malnutrition, dietary scientists at Stanford University revealed Monday that humans who consume a proper diet should not be defecating. “In humans who correctly manage their dietary intake, 100 percent of food consumed is absorbed by the…

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Polka Fan On A Real Harold Loeffelmacher Kick Lately

Mon, 2018-04-30 12:25

NEKOOSA, WI—Confessing that he just couldn’t get enough of the trombone-playing musician, local polka fan Tim Hahn told reporters Monday that he had been on a real Harold Loeffelmacher kick as of late. “I’ll admit it: I’ve been going straight-out nuts for Loeffelmacher recently,” said Hahn, noting that his “Loeff…

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New Poll Finds Death Of Spouse Most Liberating Experience In Life

Mon, 2018-04-30 12:08

COLLEGE STATION, TX—According to a new poll released Monday by researchers at Texas A&M University, the death of a spouse is often the most liberating and personally fulfilling event of one’s life. “Despite the common notion that a loved one’s passing is a heartbreaking or debilitating experience, we found the…

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Amazon To Now Deliver Packages Into Car Trunks

Mon, 2018-04-30 11:42

Amazon announced a new service that gives its couriers access to a person’s vehicle to leave package deliveries by using the connected technologies embedded in many modern vehicles. What do you think?

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Don Mattingly Yelling At Marlins For Leaving Dome Open With AC On

Mon, 2018-04-30 11:30

MIAMI—Unleashing a furious tirade after finding the roof retracted for the third time this month, Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly admonished his players Monday for leaving the dome open with the stadium’s air conditioning running. “Come on, guys, this is just wasteful. I’ve told you a hundred times, either leave…

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Pilot Shudders To Imagine Why Passengers Taking Red-Eye To Atlantic City

Mon, 2018-04-30 11:21

DENVER—Watching with a mixture of bewilderment and pity as a small group of solitary travelers quietly boarded his plane at 11:15 p.m., United Airlines pilot Terry Elston shuddered Monday while attempting to imagine why his passengers could be taking a red-eye to Atlantic City. “Good lord, I don’t even want to know…

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Farewell To A Legend: Goose Has Died In ‘Top Gun’

Mon, 2018-04-30 10:32

A senseless tragedy has just occurred that’s going to leave you heartbroken: Goose has died in Top Gun.

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Resistance Setback: Robert Mueller Has Abandoned The Russia Investigation After Determining That The Real Crime Is How Low The Prices Are On Kinja Deals

Mon, 2018-04-30 10:20

Members of the resistance, our best shot at impeaching Donald Trump pretty much died on the table today: Special counsel Robert Mueller has ended his investigation into Trump’s Russia ties after determining that the real crime is how low the prices are on Kinja Deals.

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Report: Rest Of Pottery Class Knows Each Other From Previous Pottery Class

Mon, 2018-04-30 10:05

COLUMBUS, OH—Observing clear signs of both pre-established friendships and more advanced ceramic-ware knowledge, area woman Shailene McFadden realized Friday that the rest of her pottery class was already acquainted with one another from at least one previous pottery class. “As soon as I walked in, I noticed that most…

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