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Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed

Wed, 2018-02-28 18:28

ATLANTA—Taking a cue from the airline’s recent decision to cut business ties with the National Rifle Association, Delta pilot Jim Dettro is currently in a holding pattern above Hartsfield-Jackson airport and is refusing to land until meaningful gun control laws are passed. “Folks, this is your captain speaking. We…

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Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses

Wed, 2018-02-28 16:55

TEMPE, AZ—While acknowledging that patrolling the human body was at times both stressful and dangerous, a lone white blood cell long hardened by its repeated violent contact with influenza, papilloma, and the common cold acknowledged Wednesday that it no longer hesitates to kill viruses. “When I come across a strain…

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Jared Kushner Loses Top-Secret Security Clearance

Wed, 2018-02-28 15:38

Presidential son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner lost access to top-secret information in a memo sent out last Friday, sources confirmed. What do you think?

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Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress

Wed, 2018-02-28 15:09

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress. “After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of…

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Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death

Wed, 2018-02-28 12:11

CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing, tour guides on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef are now offering divers a chance to see the breathtaking diversity of ocean death. “Whether you want to see thousands of colorful crabs that died as a…

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Frustrated Dad At Restaurant Just Wants A Normal Burger

Wed, 2018-02-28 12:02

SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that he did not need “a ton of fancy toppings,” local dad Dennis Metzger reportedly expressed frustration to his dining companions at the Boxcar Bar and Grill Wednesday, explaining that he just wanted to order a normal burger. “Is putting a regular, ordinary burger on the menu too much to ask?”…

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Aquarium Touch Tank Lets Kids Pet Water In Natural Environment

Wed, 2018-02-28 11:22

CHICAGO—Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium unveiled a new Water Touch Tank exhibit Wednesday, offering children of all ages the opportunity to observe and pet the beautiful marine liquid in its natural environment. “Many of our young guests have already seen water, most likely in textbooks or during previous visits to the…

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Spanx Introduces New Shapewear Hood To Smooth Unsightly Heads

Wed, 2018-02-28 11:16

ATLANTA—Promising the new addition to their product line would provide “that sexy, slender look,” undergarment maker Spanx, Inc. announced Wednesday it would begin offering its first-ever shapewear hood, designed to smooth away unsightly heads. “The Spanx Hood is made with a comfortable nylon and elastane blend that…

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Climate Change Could Kill Most King Penguins By 2100

Wed, 2018-02-28 09:35

Climate models suggest that 70 percent of the 3.2 million King Penguins on Earth could die off by 2100 due to dwindling food sources. What do you think?

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Report Finds No Progress On Homeownership, Incarceration, Or Unemployment For Blacks

Tue, 2018-02-27 17:38

A report released by the Economic Policy Institute found that African Americans have experienced no net gains in homeownership, incarceration, or employment rates in the past 50 years. What do you think?

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Teen Unsure How To Break It To Parents That The Devil Got Her Pregnant

Tue, 2018-02-27 13:59

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…

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Pros And Cons Of Free Speech On College Campuses

Tue, 2018-02-27 13:38

Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.

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Woman Mentally Rifles Through Friends For Perfect Person To Sympathize With Current Pettiness

Tue, 2018-02-27 12:56

NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal…

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