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‘The Onion’ Is Canceling Our 15-Second Web Video Featuring Kevin Spacey

Wed, 2017-11-01 16:31

CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming 15-second web video starring Kevin Spacey. The video, which would have featured Mr. Spacey speaking in front of stock footage of Chicago’s busy streets, was set to premiere in mid-2018 as an autoplaying…

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Trump Boys Attempting To Tunnel From South Lawn To FBI Headquarters To Free Paul Manafort From Custody

Wed, 2017-11-01 14:39

WASHINGTON—Armed with all the special tools they’d need for the mission, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on Wednesday were reportedly attempting to build a tunnel from the White House South Lawn to FBI Headquarters in order to free Paul Manafort from custody. “We’re gonna sneak into the jail from below, rescue him,…

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Office Bad Boy Sees Right Through Team-Building Exercise

Wed, 2017-11-01 13:30

SAN DIEGO—Calling the naiveté of the human resources coordinator “absolutely priceless,” office bad boy Ryan Millstein on Wednesday reportedly saw right through a series of team-building exercises. “They honestly believe I’ll learn to rely on my peers more after a few trust falls—that is so goddamn rich,” said the…

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Thai Dish Apparently Costs 3 Peppers

Wed, 2017-11-01 13:06
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Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going

Wed, 2017-11-01 12:00

PHILADELPHIA—Craning for a suitable vantage point from which to observe their subject’s movements, local car passengers launched an urgent, mid-street investigation Wednesday into whether a woman in the parking spot they wanted was coming or going. “Her lights are on, but do you see which direction her car is moving?”…

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Climate Change Threatening Global Coffee Crops

Wed, 2017-11-01 11:25

Scientists warn that climate change could devastate coffee crops worldwide, due to the extremely specific conditions required for the plants to thrive. What do you think?

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Styrofoam To Spend Next 500 Years Reflecting On How Well It Protected Blender In Transport

Wed, 2017-11-01 10:55

NEW YORK—Having put in 46 hours of hard work as sturdy packing material, a local block of Styrofoam is about to spend the next 500 years reflecting on how well it protected a blender in transport, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, you know what, I did a pretty good job shielding that Vitamix during that three-day trip,”…

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Biden Hands Out Loose GT Cola Can To Unexpected Trick-Or-Treater

Tue, 2017-10-31 19:05

DOVER, DE—Telling his only trick-or-treater to “hang tight a sec while Uncle Joe scares up some Halloween goodies,” former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly disappeared and returned 10 minutes later with a warm can of GT Cola, sources confirmed Friday. “Here ya go, bud. Thought I could hook you up with a spare ramen…

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Kellogg’s Apologizes For Racially Insensitive Corn Pops Box

Tue, 2017-10-31 15:26

After social media backlash, Kellogg’s apologized for Corn Pops box art that depicted an anthropomorphized brown corn pop as a janitor among a crowd of light-colored pops. What do you think?

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John Kelly Loses Seat On NAACP Board Of Directors

Tue, 2017-10-31 14:48

BALTIMORE—In light of his recent comments praising Confederate general Robert E. Lee and attributing the origin of the Civil War to “a lack of an ability to compromise,” the NAACP announced Tuesday that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly would lose his seat on the organization’s board of directors. “Despite his…

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Handwritten Einstein Note Praising Modest Life Sells For $1.56 Million

Tue, 2017-10-31 10:34

An autographed note by Albert Einstein extolling the virtues of a modest life, which Einstein gave to a hotel worker in lieu of a tip in 1922, has sold at auction for $1.56 million. What do you think?

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