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Updated: 19 hours 24 min ago

Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day

Wed, 2019-04-24 11:34

DENVER—Confessing that the rich sound of the stabbing victim’s Yorkshire-bred voice made her “go positively weak,” Genevieve Clare, 31, confirmed Wednesday that she could listen to the dying British man in the street scream for help all day long. “I couldn’t begin to tell you what it is about that accent, but my heart…

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Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration

Wed, 2019-04-24 08:38

Amid a resumed interest in several past scandals, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain has withdrawn from consideration for a seat on the Federal Reserve Board. What do you think?

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Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster

Tue, 2019-04-23 17:23

SPARTA, OH—Expressing disgust and shock while describing the disturbing scene, local authorities were reportedly horrified Wednesday after discovering a one-day-old funnel cake abandoned in a dumpster. “We are still searching for the individual responsible for this horrendous act,” said police chief Gregory Lee,…

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Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns

Tue, 2019-04-23 17:00

President Trump sued Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) to stop subpoenas for the president’s tax returns, saying the House Oversight and Reform chairman has overstepped constitutional limits on Congress’s power to investigate. What do you think?

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Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work

Tue, 2019-04-23 15:07

NEW YORK—Emphasizing the company’s commitment to providing a sustainable work–life balance, Optech CEO Mark Billings told reporters Tuesday that he encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work. “Every 60 minutes, we want our staff to feel free to take a walk around the block for a quick…

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Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat

Tue, 2019-04-23 14:21

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Erupting into frenzied applause as the Democratic presidential candidate began mercilessly choking the CNN town hall moderator with a single hand, a televised audience gave Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) a standing ovation Monday night as she lifted Chris Cuomo into the air by his throat. “Her performance was…

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Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him

Tue, 2019-04-23 13:54

SOUTH BEND, IN—Becoming the first 2020 presidential candidate to disclose his fondness for pepperoni pizza, jogging before sunrise, and episodes of The Wire, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg released Tuesday a comprehensive list of fun personality quirks for reporters to include in articles about him. “I want to be…

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Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’

Tue, 2019-04-23 12:22

SUMTER, SC—Saying that he clearly learned all the wrong lessons from the classic animated programs, several people witnessing their coworker Aaron Rowe wearing a Cobra Command T-shirt Tuesday confirmed that he missed the whole point of G.I. Joe. “Dude, that’s not what the show’s about at all. It’s like he didn’t pay…

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Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas

Tue, 2019-04-23 08:13

CHICAGO—Saying that the sign out front offered no clear evidence as to the nature of the business, onlookers were reportedly unable to determine Tuesday whether a storefront bearing the name “Casa Spazio” belonged to an establishment that sold leather sofas or pizza. “It’s got a beautiful, ornate sign and big glass…

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Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay

Tue, 2019-04-23 08:07

The fossil of an infant Tyrannosaurus rex—likely the only one in existence—has gone on sale for $2.95 million on eBay, drawing fierce criticism from paleontologists for preventing research on a rare and important artifact. What do you think?

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Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral

Tue, 2019-04-23 08:02

BROOMALL, PA—Confusing several immediate members of the family of Sophia Lindbergh with her flamboyant sorrow, grieving relatives confirmed Tuesday that a random uncle’s wife was “sure crying a bunch” throughout their grandma’s funeral. “Wow, that lady’s really losing it there. Grandpa isn’t even crying that much,”…

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Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time

Mon, 2019-04-22 16:33

COLUMBUS, NM—Digging in their heels and refusing to stand down, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol authorities were caught in a tense standoff Monday with an independently armed militia over their mutual claim to have detained a migrant family that both groups caught at the same time. “The fact of the matter is that we…

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Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21

Mon, 2019-04-22 15:29

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced plans to introduce new legislation raising the federal minimum age to buy tobacco products, such as cigarettes and vaping devices, from 18 to 21. What do you think?

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