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Couple Choosing Not To Have Kids Can’t Fathom Bringing Child Into World With So Many Marvel Movies
SEDALIA, MO—Explaining that the decision to do so would be completely selfish and cruel, local couple Aaron and Jill Shulevich told reporters Friday they were choosing not to have kids because they couldn’t fathom bringing a child into a world with so many Marvel movies. “The cinematic universe is increasing at an…
Stephen A. Smith Blasts Ja Morant For Poor Gun-Handling Fundamentals
BRISTOL, CT—Launching into a lengthy rant about the suspended Memphis Grizzlies point guard during an episode of First Take Thursday evening, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith blasted Ja Morant for poor gun-handling fundamentals. “This was the sloppiest pistol work I’ve ever seen, plain and simple,” said Smith,…
If Pigs Are So Smart, Why Won’t They Debate Me?
Some members of the scientific community claim that pigs are among the smartest mammals, rivaling dogs, chimpanzees, and even toddler-aged humans. In fact, people seem to fall all over themselves to declare pigs “intelligent” for accomplishing the most menial tasks, such as puzzle-solving and recognizing themselves in…
Study: Marijuana Harms Developing Babies In First Trimester
A new study published in the journal Frontiers in Pediatrics found a significant decrease in birth weight of 154 grams in babies of women who smoked marijuana during the first trimester, with such decreases in weight being linked to health problems as children grow. What do you think?
Company Designates Special Room Where Women Can Moan In Pain
DEKALB, IL—Saying the change was long overdue and would make the workplace a more welcoming environment for many female employees, local marketing services firm UpVision designated a special room Friday where women could moan in pain. “Starting today, any and all women who are currently experiencing extreme discomfort…
Americans Describe What It’s Like Surviving A Mass Shooting
If you live in America, chances are that you either know someone who has experienced a mass shooting or have experienced one yourself. The Onion asked survivors what it’s like to endure a mass shooting, and this is what they said.
Prince Harry And Meghan Involved In ‘Near Catastrophic’ Car Chase With NYC Paparazzi
Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, and her mother were involved in a “near catastrophic” car chase with paparazzi photographers in New York after an event, drawing some parallels with the high-speed Paris car chase that killed his mother Princess Diana in 1997. What do you think?
OpenAI CEO Predicts AI Will Someday Give Birth To Twins, Their Names Will Be God And Satan
WASHINGTON—Warning a Senate panel this week that the rapidly advancing technology could “cause significant harm to the world,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman predicted that artificial intelligence would one day give birth to twins whose names would be God and Satan. “One will fight to save the world, the other will try to…
Putin Tells Girlfriend He Was Hit With Sanctions On Condoms
MOSCOW—Pausing their foreplay to haphazardly look around for a prophylactic, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly told his girlfriend Thursday that he has been hit with serious sanctions on condoms. “I’m sorry, babe, these sanctions keep getting more and more extreme,” said the longtime leader currently in the…
Democrats Demand Recount After Insisting They Lost Race For Mayor Of Jacksonville
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Stunned and outraged by the results of the Jacksonville mayoral race, Florida Democrats reportedly demanded a recount Thursday after insisting they lost the election. “The Democratic Party condemns our victory, and rest assured, we will not let it stand,” said Mayor-elect Donna Deegan, who confirmed…
New TSA+ Program Allows Members To Pat Down Any Other Travelers They Want
SPRINGFIELD, VA—Saying the program represented a significant value for frequent fliers, Transportation Security Administration officials announced Friday the debut of TSA+, a service that allows its members to pat down any of their fellow air travelers standing in the security line. “Once you’ve paid the $79…
The Dark Side Of Murder: 5 Terrible Things About Murder The Murder Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know About
Man Who Didn’t Pull Out Rushes To CVS To Also Impregnate Pharmacist
CHICAGO—In a full-blown panic just moments after realizing he had ejaculated inside of his girlfriend, local man Braden Twigg reportedly rushed to CVS Thursday to also impregnate the pharmacist. “Don’t worry, I’m running out to the store right now,” said Twigg, assuring his partner he would be right back as he…
J.K. Rowling Announces She No Longer Transphobic After Attending Cincinnati Pride And Winning A Free Cell Phone Charger From A Bisexual Realtor’s Booth
CINCINNATI—Confirming that the enlightening weekend experience had left her with “a total change of heart,” J.K. Rowling announced Thursday that she was no longer transphobic after attending the Cincinnati Pride Parade and Festival and winning a free cell phone charger from the booth of a bisexual real estate agent.…
Things To Never Say To A Fan Of MrBeast
MrBeast, also known as Jimmy Donaldson, is a YouTuber known for his large, expensive stunts and unique brand of philanthropy. With over 153 million subscribers, he has an extremely loyal fan base. Here are a few things you should never say to one of them.
Conservatives Claim Hitler’s Nazi Allegiance Greatly Exaggerated
WASHINGTON—Claiming that historians have unfairly vilified the 20th-century German dictator and misrepresented his role in the far-right political party, many conservative pundits and activists argue that Adolf Hitler’s Nazi allegiances have been greatly exaggerated. “Just because Hitler was Führer and Chancellor of…
Tips For Traveling With A Pet
With summer around the corner, Americans will be taking more trips, and studies show that those trips increasingly include their pets. The Onion provides helpful tips for traveling with your pet.