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Heartbreaking: This Man Starved To Death Because He Was Too Captivated By The Diverse Array Of Content Offered By Properties Of The Gizmodo Media Group To Leave His Computer

Tue, 2018-04-10 23:46

Too much of a good thing can often be bad, or in some instances, even tragic. Case in point: Yesterday a man starved to death on account of being too captivated by the diverse array of content offered by properties of the Gizmodo Media Group to leave his computer.

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Mark Zuckerberg To Congress: ‘It Was My Mistake, And I'm Sorry’

Tue, 2018-04-10 17:21

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for Russian election interference and third-party use of user data on Tuesday in a testimony to Congress, telling lawmakers “it was my mistake, and I’m sorry.” What do you think?

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Blood Drains From Mueller’s Face After Realizing Russia Investigation Might Go All The Way To White House

Tue, 2018-04-10 15:06

WASHINGTON—Realizing this thing might go a whole lot higher than anyone had imagined, Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly grew pale Tuesday, the blood draining from his face, as he discovered his Russia investigation might lead all the way to the White House. “No, no, no, that can’t be right,…

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FBI Raids Michael Cohen’s Office To Get Closer Look At His Innovative, Thorough Legal Work

Tue, 2018-04-10 14:35

NEW YORK—Admitting they could not deny themselves a chance to glimpse a genius in action, FBI officials confirmed they raided the office of President Trump’s longtime lawyer Michael Cohen Monday so they could develop a deeper appreciation of his masterful legal work. “Yesterday afternoon, federal agents confiscated…

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John Bolton Arrives In Office Excited To See So Many Familiar Wars

Tue, 2018-04-10 13:54

WASHINGTON—As he began his tenure serving as President Trump’s national security advisor, John Bolton reportedly arrived in the White House Tuesday excited to see so many familiar wars. “Afghanistan and Iraq are still here? Man, things haven’t changed a bit,” said a thrilled Bolton while making the rounds in the West…

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Mike Pence Horrified By D.C. Cherry Trees Flagrantly Displaying Reproductive Organs

Tue, 2018-04-10 13:05

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage at the crude, depraved perennials throughout the nation’s capitol, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly horrified Tuesday by the D.C. cherry trees flagrantly displaying their reproductive organs for all to see. “Oh, no, this is completely disgusting,” said a visibly agitated Pence,…

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Cyberattacks By The Numbers

Tue, 2018-04-10 12:38

Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.

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Parents Spend First 4 Years Of Child’s Life Fluctuating Wildly Between Hoping Child Stays Asleep, Hoping Child Wakes Up

Tue, 2018-04-10 12:36

LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast…

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Entomologists Retract New Spider Species Discovery After Determining It Actually Just Clump Of Dust, Hair

Tue, 2018-04-10 12:32

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Apologizing profusely for failing to properly confirm their findings before going public, researchers from the Entomological Society of America retracted Tuesday their claims about the discovery of a new species of spider last week, admitting that the supposed arachnid was actually just a clump of dust…

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Giant Pandas No Longer Endangered Species

Tue, 2018-04-10 10:47

Owing to efforts by conservationists and local governments, the population of the giant panda rose 17 percent from 2004 to 2014, leading to the species being downgraded from endangered to vulnerable. What do you think?

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‘You Are Donald Trump, 45th President Of The United States,’ Trump Reads From Faded Tattoo On Wrist

Tue, 2018-04-10 10:17

WASHINGTON—Waking in the same bleary-eyed state of confusion as he has every day of his Presidency, Donald Trump blinked at his unfamiliar surroundings and slowly shook his head several times before finding and reading the phrase, “You are Donald Trump, 45th president of the United States,” from a faded tattoo on his…

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North Korea Ready To Discuss Denuclearization, Officials Say

Mon, 2018-04-09 16:22

Clearing the way for talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un, U.S. officials reported that North Korea is ready to discuss denuclearization. What do you think?

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Annoyed Shohei Ohtani Had Hoped U.S. Baseball Players Wouldn’t Be This Bad

Mon, 2018-04-09 16:07

ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels,…

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Facebook Informs Data Leak Victims Whether They Need To Burn Down House, Cut Off Fingerprints, Start Anew

Mon, 2018-04-09 14:43

MENLO PARK, CA—Taking it upon themselves to notify users of potential repercussions stemming from the site’s recent privacy breach, Facebook announced plans Sunday to inform victims of the Cambridge Analytica data leak whether they need to burn down their houses, cut off their fingerprints, and start their lives over…

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