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Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts

Tue, 2020-06-23 11:17

WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded Tuesday that Americans reopen their hearts. “It’s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to look inwards and embrace their own divinity or face the inevitable consequences,” said an…

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Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type

Tue, 2020-06-23 09:39

Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.

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Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday

Tue, 2020-06-23 08:46

Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 after learning the original launch date coincided with O.J. Simpson’s birthday. What do you think?

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White House Announces Entire U.S. Populace Of 6,200 Attended Trump’s Tulsa Rally

Mon, 2020-06-22 15:24

WASHINGTON—Seeking to counter the narrative put forward by the mainstream media, the Trump administration announced Monday that the entire U.S. populace of 6,200 had attended the president’s recent rally in Tulsa. “Despite what the fake news at CNN and MSNBC would have you believe, President Trump was honored by the…

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Facebook Announces Plan To Break Up U.S. Government Before It Becomes Too Powerful

Mon, 2020-06-22 14:40

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to curtail the organization’s outsized influence, Facebook announced Monday that it would be implementing new steps to ensure the breakup of the U.S. government before it becomes too powerful. “It’s long past time for us to take concrete actions against this behemoth of governance that has…

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Biden Outraises Trump For First Time

Mon, 2020-06-22 14:26

Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign raised $80.8 million in May compared to the Trump campaign’s $74 million, the first month of the election since Bernie Sanders dropped out the race and endorsed Biden for president. What do you think?

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Dog Owner Not Sure How City Expects Her To Pick Up Every Drop Of Dog Piss In Little Bag

Mon, 2020-06-22 14:11

CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself, local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn’t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag. “Look, I’m a responsible dog owner, and I’ve been one all my life, but if you…

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Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit

Mon, 2020-06-22 13:58

WASHINGTON—Declaring that enough was enough and that the nation’s officials needed to stand up to the organization, public pressure was reportedly mounting on Monday for the U.S. government to stop designating the Ku Klux Klan a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. “Look, there was a time when it made sense to exempt the KKK from…

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Day Mockingly Beautiful

Mon, 2020-06-22 11:15
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Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday

Mon, 2020-06-22 08:52

Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.

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Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked

Fri, 2020-06-19 10:37

It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.

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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All

Fri, 2020-06-19 10:27

Stuck last minute trying to figure out a gift for the father who has everything he possibly needs? Well, these unique gift ideas will let your dad know you’ve been thinking about him.

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Huh, Boyfriend’s Ex Just Made Interesting Hair Choice

Fri, 2020-06-19 09:00

AUSTIN, TX—After a routine inspection of a mutual acquaintance’s Instagram page, local woman Alison Hannon remarked Monday that, huh, her boyfriend’s ex seems to have just made an interesting hair choice. “Well, that’s definitely a bold move for her face type, but hopefully it works out for her,” said Hannon, clicking…

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‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke

Fri, 2020-06-19 09:00

SKOKIE, IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun, local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “It’s perfect outside” Friday while slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke. “What a lovely day,” said Baumgartner, who slurred her words as she admired the unseasonably warm June weather,…

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Man Hates How Hot Dog-Eating Contests Reduce Art Of Eating Hot Dogs To A Competition

Fri, 2020-06-19 09:00

BATON ROUGE, LA—Defending the deeply personal pursuit of choking down as many ballpark franks as you can cram into your mouth, local man Tim Aveline told reporters Friday he hated how hot-dog-eating contests have reduced the art of eating hot dogs to mere competition. “It’s really gross how these events where they…

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Kristen Stewart To Play Princess Diana In Upcoming Biopic

Fri, 2020-06-19 09:00

Twilight star Kristen Stewart is set to play Princess Diana in an upcoming film which focuses on a weekend in the early 1990s when Diana decided she could no longer be married to Prince Charles. What do you think?

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