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Updated: 17 hours 49 min ago

Kid Who Mowed White House Lawn To Flip On Trump

Wed, 2018-06-13 15:53

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision represented what was best for himself and for the nation, Frank Giaccio, the 11-year-old boy best known for mowing the White House lawn last September, told reporters Wednesday that he has decided to flip on Trump. “After extensive discussion with my legal representatives, I’ve realized…

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Nation Shocked Anyone Would Want To Purchase Media Company

Wed, 2018-06-13 14:43

WASHINGTON—After a court ruling approved AT&T’s bid to acquire Time Warner for $85 billion, citizens across the nation expressed shock Wednesday, stating that they could not comprehend why anyone would voluntarily choose to purchase a media company. “Jesus, who the hell would want to do that?” said San Jose, CA…

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Confronting The Past: EA Just Spent Its Entire E3 Presentation Apologizing For Putting Antoine Walker On The Cover Of ‘NBA Live 99’

Wed, 2018-06-13 14:25

Most video game developers use their massive platform at E3 to make announcements about future releases, but one brave company at the expo decided to take some time to atone for its past: EA Sports just spent the entirety of its E3 presentation apologizing for putting Antoine Walker on the cover of NBA Live 99.

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5 Things To Know About The World Cup

Wed, 2018-06-13 14:21
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TBS To Revive 1990s Atlanta Braves

Wed, 2018-06-13 13:33

ATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a…

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‘Jurassic Park’ Franchise Turns 25

Wed, 2018-06-13 13:30

June 11 marked the 25th anniversary since Jurassic Park was released in theaters, spawning a media franchise that includes four films (with at least two more on the way) and a variety of video games and comics. The Onion looks back at some of the milestones from the dinosaur disaster series’s 25 years.

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Rapidly Expanding AT&T Merges With Entirety Of Existence

Wed, 2018-06-13 13:15

ALL OF SPACE AND TIME—Following a U.S. district court ruling that allowed the multinational conglomerate to acquire Time Warner, sources confirmed Wednesday that a rapidly expanding AT&T had proceeded to merge with the entirety of existence. Upon absorbing the totality of things—including Earth, every known…

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‘Jurassic World 2’ To Feature More Scientifically Accurate Jeff Goldblum

Wed, 2018-06-13 11:52

LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital…

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White House Staff Forced To Tape Together Presidential Records Ripped Apart By Trump

Wed, 2018-06-13 11:38

In order to comply with the Presidential Records Act, White House staffers have been forced to sort through papers compulsively ripped apart by Trump and taped them back together. What do you think?

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CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger

Tue, 2018-06-12 18:56

ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete…

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Saudi Arabia Announces Escalation Of Human Rights Abuses To Curry More Favor With U.S.

Tue, 2018-06-12 18:12

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to emulate the recent success of North Korea, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced Tuesday plans to escalate human rights abuses to curry more favor with the United States. “We really need to take bold steps to double the number of unlawful airstrikes on Yemeni civilians while…

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Election Experts Warn Maine’s Voting System Leads To Greater Risk Of Getting Finger Pinched By Live Lobster Stuffed Into Ballot Box

Tue, 2018-06-12 16:49

AUGUSTA, ME—Advising caution as residents go to the state’s gubernatorial and congressional primaries Tuesday, election experts warned that Maine’s new voting system may lead to a greater risk of citizens getting their finger pinched by a live lobster stuffed into the ballot box. “These rules endanger voters by…

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E3 2018 Kicks Off

Tue, 2018-06-12 16:16

The Electronics Gaming Expo, the premier industry convention known as E3, kicks off today with three days of video game announcements. What do you think?

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