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OGN’s Best Games To Play During The Coronavirus Quarantine

Mon, 2020-03-23 12:46

Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.

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Disturbing New Study Finds American 5th-Graders Only Absorbing Targeted Advertisements At 1st-Grade Level

Mon, 2020-03-23 12:03

STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them…

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10 Things Your Parents Were Right About

Mon, 2020-03-23 11:29

“When will you learn, my son? This is your world here. You must never look out upon the other side of these walls, for those in the village could never accept a hideous sight such as you.”

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An Abundance of Cushion

Mon, 2020-03-23 11:04
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NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid

Fri, 2020-03-20 16:22

A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.

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Aquarium Lets Penguins Take Tour Of Premises During Coronavirus Shutdown

Fri, 2020-03-20 15:47

In a video that has since gone viral, penguins at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium were given the opportunity to explore the premises and visit animals in other exhibits this week as the facility closed its doors to the public. What do you think?

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Experts Warn Americans Could Still Be Dealing With Coronavirus As Late As Tomorrow Afternoon

Fri, 2020-03-20 15:35

WASHINGTON—Warning that the deadly COVID-19 virus could continue to plague the United States for far longer than previously expected, experts from the CDC announced Friday that Americans could still be dealing with coronavirus as late as tomorrow afternoon. “According to our most recent projections, residents in all…

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Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers

Fri, 2020-03-20 15:07

We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to…

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Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies

Fri, 2020-03-20 14:48

WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation’s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies. “This is a vital…

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Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores

Fri, 2020-03-20 14:39

NORTHWOOD, NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19, hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country, sources confirmed Friday. “People were grabbing up the jigsaws, the crosswords,…

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TV Shows Donate Medical Supplies To Hospitals Amid Pandemic

Fri, 2020-03-20 14:24

Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?

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Hospital Holding Back Extra Coronavirus Test Kit In Case Josh Duhamel Needs One

Fri, 2020-03-20 13:40

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead, Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one. “This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices, but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even…

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The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

Fri, 2020-03-20 13:25

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of…

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Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

Fri, 2020-03-20 13:12

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to…

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8 Unlikely Animal Friendships

Fri, 2020-03-20 11:03

This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.

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‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared

Fri, 2020-03-20 09:03

The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans! It’s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console, but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch. And if that wasn’t exciting enough news, the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game’s…

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Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

Thu, 2020-03-19 17:46

WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic, President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday, detailing his administration’s best case scenario projections for coronavirus where eight million Iranian people are killed. “If we’re very lucky, we could be looking at…

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Google Offers Virtual Tours Of World’s Museums And Cultural Sites

Thu, 2020-03-19 17:17

With the world locked down under threat of coronavirus, Google highlighted its collection of virtual tours featuring over 2,500 museums and cultural attractions from around the globe, including the Guggenheim in New York, the Palace of Versaille, Machu Picchu, and the Tokyo National Museum. What do you think?

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