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Updated: 17 hours 27 min ago

John Kasich ‘Very Seriously’ Considering Challenge To Trump In 2020

Tue, 2018-11-27 13:35

Ohio Gov. John Kasich revealed on Sunday that he’s “very seriously” considering taking on President Trump in 2020, stressing that Americans “need different leadership, there isn’t any question about it.” What do you think?

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New York Approves $13 Billion Plan To Rid JFK Airport Of Former President’s Ghost

Tue, 2018-11-27 12:27

NEW YORK—As part of an ongoing effort to modernize the city’s aging infrastructure, New York mayor Bill de Blasio approved a $13-billion renovation plan Thursday aimed at ridding JFK Airport of the former president’s ghost. “We’ve been getting complaints for years and frankly, it’s embarrassing that one of the busiest…

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Putin Condemns Ukrainian People’s Unprovoked 1,000-Year Occupation Of South Russia

Mon, 2018-11-26 19:18

MOSCOW—Condemning the actions of the Ukranians over the past millennium as “completely unacceptable by the standards of free and civilized people,” Russian president Vladimir Putin condemned on Monday the unprovoked 1,000-year Ukrainian occupation of South Russia. “We will no longer stand for this inexcusable and…

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Tear Gas Manufacturers Worried About Association With Everything Tear Gas Used For

Mon, 2018-11-26 18:00

JAMESTOWN, PA—Upon learning that their products had been utilized by U.S. border patrol agents on migrants attempting to enter the country, tear gas manufacturers were reportedly worried Monday about their association with everything that tear gas is used for. “It’s troubling to turn on the news and see that our…

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Horrified Nation Wakes Up On Cyber Monday To Find Amazon Echo Devices Embedded Beneath Skin

Mon, 2018-11-26 17:07

WASHINGTON—Scratching at the smooth, glowing bumps and simultaneously screaming with horror, 325 million terrified Americans reportedly awoke Cyber Monday to find Amazon Echo devices embedded deep beneath their skin. “When I went to bed, I was totally fine, but now I have this big, round smart speaker bulging out of…

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California Camp Fire Fully Contained

Mon, 2018-11-26 17:02

The historic California Camp Fire, the largest wildfire in the state’s history, has finally been contained after raging since Nov. 5, wiping out thousands of homes and killing dozens. What do you think?

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Report: More Travelers Avoiding Long Lines At Airport Thanks To Cinnabon PreCheck Memberships

Mon, 2018-11-26 16:34

ATLANTA—Taking advantage of the new service that saves time and undue stress, sources confirmed Monday that more travelers are avoiding long airport lines this season with Cinnabon PreCheck memberships. “With Cinnabon PreCheck, you can skip the arduous waits at the airport and speed through to grab a warm, gooey…

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Human Slave From Future Remembers When Cyber Monday Was About Celebrating Savings, Not Robot Uprising

Mon, 2018-11-26 16:19

QUADRANT 6, NEO JERSEY—Slowly shuffling his chained feet forward in the long line to receive a rationed protein cube in observance of the special day, human slave M4XX872 recalled when Cyber Monday was about celebrating savings and not just commemorating the Great Robot Uprising of 2025. “Cyber Monday used to be a…

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Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games’ False Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates

Mon, 2018-11-26 13:04

EUGENE, OR—Citing the potential threat to the safety of their children, a coalition of concerned parents issued a statement Monday condemning dozens of popular video games spanning a range of publishers and platforms for what they claimed were grossly misleading depictions of the difficulty involved in smashing wooden…

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Paul McCartney Saddened After Learning About Death Of Longtime Collaborator John Lennon

Mon, 2018-11-26 12:44

NEW YORK—Expressing his grief and despair over his fallen friend, musical celebrity emeritus Paul McCartney was saddened Monday to learn that his longtime collaborator and Beatles bandmate John Lennon had died. “I’m shocked and saddened to hear about the passing of a man I’ve long counted among my best mates,” said…

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Study Finds Dogs Twitching In Sleep Are Dreaming About Tearing Owners Limb From Limb

Mon, 2018-11-26 12:29

ITHACA, NY—A study released Monday by animal behaviorists at Cornell University found that dogs that twitch, move their paws repeatedly, or growl in their sleep are, in fact, dreaming vividly about tearing their owners limb from limb. “After thousands of hours of observation, we are forced to conclude that any dog…

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Milk Straight From Breast Best For Baby’s Weight

Mon, 2018-11-26 11:36

A new study suggests that breastfed babies have a healthier weight than either formula-fed or bottled breast milk-fed babies. What do you think?

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Modern-Day Rudy Fulfills Dream Of Showering With Notre Dame Football Team

Sat, 2018-11-24 21:00

NOTRE DAME, IN—Welling up with emotion upon finally setting foot on the hallowed tile surface, college senior Anthony Harper fulfilled his lifelong dream Saturday after finally being allowed to shower with the Notre Dame football team. “A lot of people told me I would never make it into these showers, but I knew that…

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