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Report Finds Letting Stranger Bum Cigarette Sole Act Of Human Compassion Still In Practice

Wed, 2018-08-08 16:03

WASHINGTON—The American Sociological Association released a new report Wednesday revealing that letting a stranger bum a cigarette remains the sole act of human compassion still in practice. “Following 16 months of field research, we have concluded that the voluntary sacrifice of a smoke to a person one does not know…

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Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes

Wed, 2018-08-08 15:14

WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would include him in their crimes. “I see everyone around me committing these…

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Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent

Wed, 2018-08-08 14:53

REDMOND, WA—Touting the new gameplay features available in the upcoming fifth title in the popular fighting series, Nintendo reportedly revealed Wednesday that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will allow characters to repeatedly punch themselves in the face to freak out their opponent. “The new Smash Bros. will be the most…

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Annoying Coworker Insists On Existing Right In Visual Range

Wed, 2018-08-08 14:26

CHICAGO—Noting that his fellow employee constantly engages in the infuriating habit without a thought for anyone around him, local man Robert Mauro told reporters Wednesday his annoying coworker Greg Shapiro insists upon existing right there in Mauro’s visual range. “Jesus, some people are just trying to work…

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It Pretty Obvious What Friend Will Look Like Old

Wed, 2018-08-08 13:48

LAFAYETTE, LA—Noting that their close friend’s current musculoskeletal structure already provided ample evidence as to where and when certain wrinkles would appear later in life, eyewitnesses to the face of local woman Zoe Campbell, 31, confirmed Wednesday that it was pretty obvious what Campbell would look like old.…

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Best TV Show Opening Credits Sequences Of All Time

Wed, 2018-08-08 13:15

Netflix’s “Skip Intro” feature has led to concern that opening sequences of television shows, which can be artful, meaningful introductions, could be a dying art. The Onion takes a look at the most compelling and defining opening credits sequences of all time.

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Catholic Church Now Opposes Death Penalty In All Cases

Wed, 2018-08-08 12:22

The Catholic Church now formally considers the death penalty “inadmissible” as an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person and is pledging to work for its abolition worldwide, a shift from its previous position that it could be a force to protect the common good. What do you think?

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Young Girls Creeped Out By Older Scientists Constantly Trying To Lure Them Into STEM

Wed, 2018-08-08 10:40

SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure…

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Stephen Miller Desperately Searching For Next Fix After High Of Detained Children Starts Wearing Off

Tue, 2018-08-07 17:34

WASHINGTON—Muttering that he needed something more potent to get him flying again, Stephen Miller was desperately searching for his next fix Tuesday after the high of detained children began wearing off. “You get a taste for immigrant children suffering and then you’re always chasing the dragon—now I need at least…

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Heading May Be Riskier For Female Soccer Players Than Males

Tue, 2018-08-07 16:03

A new study found that women show more sensitivity to cognitive damage from heading soccer balls than men. What do you think?

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Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up

Tue, 2018-08-07 15:35

GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Tuesday that any hope for the future of humanity now hinges on the possibility that scientists like themselves are simply making all of this up. “After reviewing our climate models and…

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Rick Gates Fondly Recalls Manafort Finding Him As Hapless Street Urchin And Teaching Him How To Pickpocket

Tue, 2018-08-07 15:00

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Speaking to a packed courtroom during his second day of testimony in the fraud trial for his former boss, Rick Gates fondly recalled Tuesday when Paul Manafort found him as a hapless street urchin and taught him how to pickpocket. “I was just a pauper sleeping on the streets of D.C. when I was…

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Embarrassed California Firefighters Realize They’ve Been Spraying Flames This Whole Time

Tue, 2018-08-07 14:08

WITTER SPRINGS, CA—Mortified at making such a boneheaded mistake during the largest blaze in state history, embarrassed California firefighters realized Tuesday that they have been spraying flames this whole time. “Aw, jeez, we’ve been using the fire cannons all along? That explains a lot,” said state firefighter Greg…

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Frustrated Rahm Emanuel Torn Between Addressing Chicago’s Shootings, Just Fucking Going For Nation’s Murder Capital

Tue, 2018-08-07 13:41

CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of nation’s murder capital. “Look, things are tough right now, and it’s time for us…

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Cash-Strapped NRA Forced To Shoot Dozens Of Redundant Employees

Tue, 2018-08-07 13:05

FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advocacy group’s redundant employees. “Faced with difficult financial realities, we…

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