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Prego Marketing New Marinara As ‘The Premiere Sauce For The #MeToo Moment’

Tue, 2017-12-19 10:02

CAMDEN, NJ—Touting the product as a zesty addition to any meal that also perfectly fits the present cultural revolution, Prego announced Thursday that their new marinara is the premiere pasta sauce for the #MeToo Moment. “With its perfect balance of vine-ripened tomatoes and savory Italian seasonings, #MeToo Marinara…

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'The Last Jedi' Has Second-Biggest Opening Of All Times

Mon, 2017-12-18 17:27

Star Wars: The Last Jedi has already grossed $450 million, putting it at the second-largest opening of all time, directly after its predecessor The Force Awakens. What do you think?

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Area Man Remembers Less Politically Correct Time When Christmas Was About Honoring The Glory Of Saturn

Mon, 2017-12-18 16:09

HOLLISTER, CA—Longing for the days when people understood the true meaning of the holiday, area man Steve Rocha told reporters Monday that he remembers a less politically correct time when Christmas was about honoring the glory of Saturn. “It was the one time a year when families would gather round the altar and…

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Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty 

Mon, 2017-12-18 15:36

WASHINGTON—Saying that each of them would always have a place in his heart, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ascended into the sky with an umbrella Monday after the Trump family promised they had learned their lesson about honesty. “And now, my dear friends, it is time for me to leave you,” said Mueller,…

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Boss’s Sexual Harassment A Lot More Cautious Lately

Mon, 2017-12-18 15:08

MEMPHIS, TN—Noticing a marked difference in the way he conducts himself in the workplace, sources reported Monday that local boss Eric Reinhardt’s sexual harassment has been a lot more cautious lately. “It definitely seems like he’s been far more careful with all of his inappropriate sexual behavior around the…

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92% Of Area Woman’s Holiday Recipes Involve Pulverizing Bag Of Oreos

Mon, 2017-12-18 13:57

MANISTIQUE, MI—Saying it was hard to imagine her Christmastime treats without the ingredient, area woman Geena Wolferman confirmed Monday that 92 percent of her holiday recipes involved pulverizing a bag of Oreos. “My go-to dessert is this chocolate pudding pie with an Oreo crust that absolutely everyone loves,” said…

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‘Man Flu’ May Be Real Disease, Scientist Says

Mon, 2017-12-18 12:25

New research in the British Medical Journal suggests that “man flu”—a term describing the tendency of men to exaggerate flu symptoms—may have a medical basis in testosterone suppressing the immune system. What do you think?

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Stepson Absolutely Nailing Jeopardy Category About Third Reich

Mon, 2017-12-18 12:06

EDMOND, OK—Amazed at how quickly the boy had answered four consecutive questions, local man Kevin Gibson said Monday that his stepson was absolutely nailing the Jeopardy! category about the Third Reich. “Wow, Kyle just rattled off the name of the Nazi Party anthem like it was nothing,” said a stunned Gibson, adding…

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Astronomers Scan Mysterious Interstellar Object For Signs Of Extraterrestrial Life

Fri, 2017-12-15 17:24

SETI scientists are looking for signs of alien technology on a mysterious object that they believe came from beyond our solar system—the first of its kind to be observed—which has baffled researchers with its probe-like cylindrical shape and lack of any comet-like tail. What do you think?

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Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot

Fri, 2017-12-15 17:14

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Contradicting previous theories as to the purpose of the iconic monument, historians at the University of Cambridge suggested on Friday that Stonehenge was once a prominent Druid make-out spot. “While excavating in and around the site, we found a surprising number of Bronze-age belt buckles, pipes,…

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Silicon Valley Startup Seeks To Change The Way Women Flee Tech Industry

Fri, 2017-12-15 16:48

SANTA CLARA, CA—Declaring that addressing the issue was a fundamental part of the new company’s mission, Silicon Valley startup DataKore said Friday that it was determined to change the way women flee the tech industry. “We’re absolutely committed to giving women all the resources and opportunities they need to leave…

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Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam

Fri, 2017-12-15 15:58

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Expressing continued bafflement at the practical knowledge and proficiency required to construct the massive structure, leading historians announced Friday that they remained unsure how Americans managed to build the Hoover Dam. “Decades into researching this tremendous feat of engineering, the question…

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Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie

Fri, 2017-12-15 14:08

WASHINGTON—The film’s official release having finally arrived, millions of Americans across the nation dutifully got in their cars Friday, stood in line, and watched the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. “The latest installment in the Star Wars franchise is now in theaters, which is why I went to my local cinema,…

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CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct

Fri, 2017-12-15 11:45

NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…

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Giant Penguin Roamed Earth Millions Of Years Ago

Fri, 2017-12-15 11:37

Scientists in New Zealand have uncovered the fossils of a 5-foot-9-inch-tall, 223-pound penguin, which they speculate lived on Earth shortly after the age of the dinosaurs. What do you think?

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