The Onion

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Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award

Thu, 2018-10-04 18:09

LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, actor Alan Alda announced Thursday that while it’s certainly much less important than almost everything else currently transpiring, he does in fact wonder if people are aware he’s getting a…

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Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His Father

Thu, 2018-10-04 17:29

A New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real estate empire, likely through “dubious tax schemes” that raise the spectre of an investigation from the New York Tax Department. What do you think?

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Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report

Thu, 2018-10-04 17:23

WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…

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Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize

Thu, 2018-10-04 16:30

There are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on Friday. The Onion takes a look at the top contenders for this year’s Peace Prize.

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World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium

Thu, 2018-10-04 15:33

STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on…

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Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting Tour

Thu, 2018-10-04 13:18

WASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard words, members of the Hidden Treasures Capitol tour confirmed Thursday that the guide one stop behind them was clearly giving a far more interesting tour. “As we were leaving the Rotunda, I could just…

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5 Things To Know About ‘Venom’

Thu, 2018-10-04 13:12
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Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’

Thu, 2018-10-04 12:59

At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about Brett Kavanaugh multiple times and told them he considers them “part of the Democratic Party.” What do you think?

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Iowa Aims To Keep Young People From Moving Out Of State With New ‘The Stress Will Kill Your Mother’ Retention Campaign

Thu, 2018-10-04 12:23

DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress…

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Amazon Raises Minimum Wage For Workers To $15

Wed, 2018-10-03 17:29

Starting Nov. 1, Amazon will pay all of its 250,000 U.S. employees at least $15 an hour and begin lobbying for an increase to the $7.25 federal minimum wage. What do you think?

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Clinton Laughs Off Idea She Politically Savvy Enough To Launch Revenge Campaign On Kavanaugh

Wed, 2018-10-03 15:41

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Brushing aside insinuations that she had anything to do with the rancorous confirmation process, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laughed off Wednesday the idea that she was politically savvy enough to run a revenge campaign against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “It’s utterly…

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Ted Cruz Heckled Out Of D.C. Restaurant

Wed, 2018-10-03 14:49

In response to his support for Brett Kavanaugh, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was forced out of the D.C. restaurant Fiola last week by protesters. What do you think?

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FBI Agent Still Tasked With Following Noam Chomsky Around Prepares For Another Day In Local Panera

Wed, 2018-10-03 13:08

TUCSON, AZ—Sighing as he settled into a corner table in the fast-casual eatery, FBI agent Thomas Vaughn, who is still tasked by the intelligence agency with following around left-wing writer Noam Chomsky, was reportedly preparing Wednesday for another day in a local Panera Bread. “I know we’ve been trailing this guy…

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Newly Discovered DNA Evidence Suggests Children Could Be Closely Related To Humans

Wed, 2018-10-03 11:36

BERKELEY, CA—In what may pose a major paradigm shift in the rudimentary understanding of the small creatures, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley discovered evidence Wednesday that suggests children may, in fact, be closely related to humans. “After painstakingly extracting, sequencing, and analyzing…

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Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’Rourke

Wed, 2018-10-03 11:10

The Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a high-profile contest with implications for both the state and on the national stage. The Onion breaks down the differences between the candidates.

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