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Coca-Cola May Move Into Marijuana Products

Tue, 2018-10-02 13:01

The Coca-Cola Company and Aurora Cannabis are in talks to develop a potential drink using CBD, a component of marijuana that reduces pain and promotes relaxation. What do you think?

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Nation’s Little Piggies Demand A Sweet Treat

Tue, 2018-10-02 11:45

WASHINGTON—Smacking their plump lips in anticipation as they squealed for piles upon piles of sugary delights, the nation’s little piggies took to the streets of the nation’s capital Tuesday to demand their sweet treats. “Oh, please, please, please! Our tummies need their yummies, and they need them now!” piped…

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Homeland Security Director Releases List Of Terrorists Who Don’t Have The Balls To Attack U.S.

Tue, 2018-10-02 11:17

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who don’t have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. “The men…

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Chuck Grassley Scratches ‘Christine Blasey’s A Slut’ Into Senate Bathroom Stall

Tue, 2018-10-02 09:15

WASHINGTON—In an effort to undermine the credibility of the woman who testified that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh had sexually assaulted her in high school, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly scratched “Christine Blasey’s a slut” into a Senate bathroom stall Monday. Sources confirmed that Grassley, 85, an Iowa…

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Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Tesla Chairman

Mon, 2018-10-01 17:03

Tesla founder Elon Musk was forced to step down as the company’s chairman two days after the SEC filed a fraud case against him, although he will retain his CEO role. What do you think?

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Nation Urged To Be Extra Sensitive To Men Reliving Trauma Of Not Getting Something

Mon, 2018-10-01 16:41

WASHINGTON—Admonishing everyone who knows, works with, or is related to a man to consider the feelings of men for whom the Kavanaugh hearing may have dredged up painful denial-related memories, experts urged the U.S. populace Monday to be extra sensitive to those men who are currently being forced to relive the trauma…

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Annoyed Movers Weren’t Expecting Client To Have Belongings

Mon, 2018-10-01 15:53

BOULDER, CO—Expressing their consternation at the unwelcome surprise, employees of Barrington Brothers Moving & Storage Company told reporters Monday they hadn’t expected their client to have belongings. “We thought this was just going to be a standard job where we drive the truck up to the client’s old apartment,…

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Newly Sober Kavanaugh Introduces Sponsor Who Says He Needs Supreme Court Seat As Part Of Recovery

Mon, 2018-10-01 14:54

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lifetime appointment would provide vital structure and purpose, newly sober Brett Kavanaugh introduced his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor who claimed that the judge needs this Supreme Court seat as part of his recovery, sources confirmed Monday. “Listen, Brett checks in with me every…

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Chris Pine Depressed By Realization He Could Probably Win Governorship Somewhere

Mon, 2018-10-01 13:07

LOS ANGELES—Taking a moment to reflect on his potential career trajectory, actor Chris Pine reportedly became depressed Monday by the sudden realization that he could probably win a governorship somewhere. “Oh God—I could just waltz into any state and win, and it’d be so easy,” said the star of several major films,…

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Voices Support For #MeToo

Mon, 2018-10-01 12:54

In the wake of the sexual assault allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spoke up in support of #MeToo, saying that “we will all be better off for it, men, women and children.” What do you think?

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Man Has Absolutely No Clue How Old Anyone He Knows Is

Mon, 2018-10-01 12:46

LEAVENWORTH, WA—After he was unable to come up with a precise age for any of the dozens of people in his life, sources confirmed Monday that local man Edward Warriner has absolutely no clue how old anyone he knows is. “My dad’s probably in his late 50s, so that means my mom has to be somewhere around there, too, but…

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Casual Christian Accepts Christ As His Lord But Not His Savior

Mon, 2018-10-01 12:38

CALHOUN, GA—Admitting that he certainly likes the son of God but “doesn’t exactly love the guy, per se,” self-described casual Christian Brian Neely disclosed Monday that he accepts Jesus Christ as his lord but not his savior. “Listen, I know Jesus is the King of Kings, but I’m pretty sure I can deliver my own soul…

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Bhutanese Man Can’t Believe Pharmacy Already Stocking Stuff For Lhabab Duchen

Mon, 2018-10-01 10:51

THIMPHU, BHUTAN—Noting that the season seemed to come earlier and earlier every year, local Bhutanese man Sangay Wangyel told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe his neighborhood pharmacy was already stocking stuff for Lhabab Duchen. “It’s still more than a month away and they’re already laying out the wooden…

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Lisa Murkowski Admits She Thought Being Alaskan Senator Would Just Mean Having To Deal With Bears And Shit

Fri, 2018-09-28 16:20

WASHINGTON—Somewhat taken aback by her pivotal role in Brett Kavanaugh’s potential confirmation to the Supreme Court, Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) confessed to reporters Friday that she initially believed being an Alaskan senator would mean nothing more complex than “having to deal with bears and shit.” “Oh, man, I tell you…

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Christine Blasey Ford Testifies On Sexual Assault Allegations Against Brett Kavanaugh

Fri, 2018-09-28 16:15

Christine Blasey Ford provided testimony to the U.S. Senate about her allegation that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her in 1982, saying she was “100 percent” certain of her claims. What do you think?

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Mark Judge Can’t Believe That Fucking Lightweight Kavanaugh Got ‘Boofing’ And ‘The Devil’s Triangle’ Wrong

Fri, 2018-09-28 15:20

BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the…

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