The Onion

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Updated: 19 hours 30 min ago

Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage

Mon, 2019-04-22 14:18

AUSTIN, TX—As he cast about in vain for potential topics of conversation, local bridegroom Adam Hartwell reportedly panicked Monday, having completely run out of things to talk about five minutes into his marriage. “After the ceremony, I talked about some of our mutual friends and mentioned a couple details from my…

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Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200

Mon, 2019-04-22 13:54

PARIS—Following an outpouring of financial support from the nation’s wealthiest residents, French president Emmanuel Macron admitted Monday he was not sure how to tell the billionaire donors that repairs to the damaged Notre Dame cathedral would only cost the equivalent of about $200. “The generosity has been truly…

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Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies

Mon, 2019-04-22 13:16

WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately gauge American opinions on what the CEO is even doing with his life, depressed Gallup chairman Jim Clifton released a poll Monday asking a random sampling of 6,500 residents of all 50 states and the District of Columbia if anyone even cared whether he lives or dies. “Would you be…

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Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes

Mon, 2019-04-22 08:05
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Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase

Mon, 2019-04-22 08:02

CAMBRIDGE—Amid the tech industry’s efforts to eliminate the biases recently observed in facial recognition software and other intelligent algorithms, the nation’s leading computer scientists announced Monday that even the most advanced AI technologies still demonstrate a sense of ethics that has yet to move beyond…

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84% Support Marijuana Legalization

Sat, 2019-04-20 10:46

A recent poll found 84% of Americans support marijuana legalization in some form, with 42% of respondents saying that weed should be legal for any use and only 13% favoring prosecution for users or distributors. What do you think?

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‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana

Sat, 2019-04-20 08:41

It has been nearly 82 years since marijuana was first officially banned as an illicit substance in the United States. Over that time, we have seen incredible changes across our nation. We have survived a world war and the Cold War, seen the sexual revolution and legalization of abortion, impeached a president, and…

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Glossary Of Terms

Sat, 2019-04-20 01:00

Papers: Thin, difficult-to-fold sheets used to repeatedly spill marijuana on the ground

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Mueller Report Released

Fri, 2019-04-19 16:29

After weeks of redactions from William Barr, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 election was released by the Justice Department on Thursday morning. What do you think?

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Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report

Fri, 2019-04-19 14:59

A redacted version of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russian agents to influence the 2016 election was released to the public on Thursday. Here are the biggest revelations from the Mueller report.

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Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption

Fri, 2019-04-19 14:33

LONDON—Stunning fans of the royal family across the world with their decision to break from age-old traditions of monarchical lineage, unemployed couple Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday that they plan to give up their soon-to-be-born baby for adoption. “It was a hard choice to make, but with both of us…

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Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth

Fri, 2019-04-19 13:24

WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I…

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Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman

Fri, 2019-04-19 13:21

WASHINGTON—Startled by the sudden appearance of the shadowy overcoat-clad figure, the U.S. populace was “completely spooked” after running into a creepy old night watchman late Thursday evening. “We thought if we avoided the lighthouse and cut through the woods out back of the old Palmer place we’d be okay, but he…

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Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants

Fri, 2019-04-19 13:17
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Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment

Fri, 2019-04-19 12:59

NEW YORK—Claiming the mobile payment app’s latest update will facilitate noticeably faster transactions, the developers of Venmo unveiled a new feature Friday that will allow users to send goons to collect outstanding payments. “This is definitely a fun, impactful new way to remind friends and family that they’re…

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China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox

Fri, 2019-04-19 12:33

BEIJING—Boasting that their persistence had paid off and declaring that citizens may now return to lives free from constant monitoring, Chinese government officials announced Friday that they will immediately discontinue their comprehensive state-run surveillance program after finally catching that guy who drove into…

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Tracking Trump Administration Turnover

Fri, 2019-04-19 11:17

The recent departures of DHS secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and Secret Service director Randolph Alles have been the latest in the historically high turnover among top officials in the Trump administration. The Onion takes a look at the administration’s highest-profile departures during President Trump’s two-plus years in…

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French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years

Fri, 2019-04-19 10:22

Following the dramatic fire that consumed Notre Dame’s iconic spire, French president Emmanuel Macron pledged to “rebuild Notre Dame even more beautifully” in five years. What do you think?

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