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Updated: 57 min 55 sec ago

‘Sopranos’ Creator Finally Reveals Main Character’s Fate

Mon, 2021-11-08 09:00

Sopranos creator David Chase has revealed what happened to the main character Tony Soprano at the end of the last episode of the series in 2007, which rankled viewers by abruptly cutting to black and leaving his fate a mystery. What do you think?

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Juror In Kyle Rittenhouse Trial Dismissed For Joke About Blake Shooting

Fri, 2021-11-05 16:21

A juror in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial has been dismissed after telling a courtroom deputy a joke about Jacob Blake’s shooting, with the judge calling his removal necessary for maintaining public confidence in the trial. What do you think?

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Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone

Fri, 2021-11-05 15:20

NEW YORK—Saying the conversation had left him with serious questions about the state of his health, local man Stephen Pryzant, 43, told reporters Friday that he was concerned his cardiologist wanted to discuss his test results at a morgue rather than over the phone. “Jeez, if it was something minor, he would have just…

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Virginians Who Watched Schools Taken Over By Sharia Law Refuse To Make Same Mistake With Critical Race Theory

Fri, 2021-11-05 15:10

ABINGDON, VA—Saying their failure to head off the fundamentalist legal code had prepared them for the difficult fight ahead, Virginia parents told reporters Wednesday that after watching their schools be taken over by Sharia law they refused to make the same mistake with Critical Race Theory. “We already saw what…

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Extremely Illegal Things You Actually Do Every Day

Fri, 2021-11-05 13:15

Yes, even if you’re white, this list applies to you. Here are extremely illegal things you actually do every day.

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Key Takeaways From The 2021 Elections

Fri, 2021-11-05 12:55

The results from numerous state and local elections on Tuesday have quickly driven debate over the fate of each party and the U.S. electorate at large. The Onion looks at key takeaways from the 2021 elections.

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Archaeologists’ Discovery Of Skeleton From 2.7 Years Ago Sheds No New Light On Anything

Fri, 2021-11-05 11:15

RIVERSIDE, CA—In a meaningless discovery of no consequence whatsoever, archaeologists at the University of California, Riverside, announced Friday that their recent excavation of skeletal remains belonging to a human who walked the earth 2.7 years ago shed absolutely no new light on anything. “After conducting…

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Delegation From Doom Island Leaves COP26 In Protest After Failed Vote To Blow Up Sun

Fri, 2021-11-05 11:15

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Hissing and leaving a trail of black smoke as they stormed out of the U.N. Climate Change Conference, the delegation from Doom Island reportedly left COP26 in protest Thursday after participating nations voted 198–1 against its motion to halt global warming by blowing up the sun. “They can dismiss us…

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Report: Catapult Industry Won’t Survive Another Year Without Medieval War Breaking Out

Fri, 2021-11-05 11:10

CASTELNAUD-LA-CHAPELLE, FRANCE—Noting a sharp decline in demand over the past five centuries, a new economic report released Friday revealed that the catapult industry would not survive another year unless a medieval war broke out sometime in the next 12 months. “According to our research, the catapult could be…

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London Cab Drivers’ Brains Being Studied For Alzheimer’s Research

Fri, 2021-11-05 08:00

Alzheimer’s researchers are studying the brains of London cab drivers, who have to memorize 25,000 streets and landmarks, after MRI scans show that the parts of their brain that handle memory grew over time. What do you think?

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Facebook Shutting Down Facial-Recognition Software

Thu, 2021-11-04 16:40

Facebook has announced plans to stop using facial-recognition software and delete the data collected from over a billion users, which comes in the wake of a whistleblower leaking documents about the platform putting profits over safety. What do you think?

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Lowly 9-Year-Olds Gaze Longingly At Elite Few Chosen To Bowl In Birthday Boy’s Lane

Thu, 2021-11-04 14:20

BENSENVILLE, IL—Looking upon the mighty cadre of third graders in awe and reverence, a group of 9-year-old boys gazed longingly at the elite few chosen to bowl in birthday boy Brian Caldwell’s lane, sources confirmed Thursday. “They booked three whole lanes, but Tyler and Eli and Sam get to bowl with Brian,” said…

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Intrusive Thoughts That Are Actually Very Common

Thu, 2021-11-04 12:15

You could be insane, but more than likely, you’re just a normal person dealing with some insane people problems. Here are intrusive thoughts that are actually very common.

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Jameis Winston To Freeze Knee Until Future Generations Find Cure For Torn ACL

Thu, 2021-11-04 12:05

NEW ORLEANS—Looking to the distant future for the hope he felt he could not find today, Saints quarterback Jameis Winston opted Thursday to cryogenically freeze his knee in the hopes future generations find a cure for a torn ACL. “I have no hope with today’s technology, but I’m hoping in 500 years we will have…

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Police Honor Beloved Officer Lost In Line Of Due Process

Thu, 2021-11-04 11:20

CHICAGO—In a well-attended ceremony held to recognize their fellow officer’s long and distinguished career, Chicago police officials gathered Thursday to honor Richard Citterton, an 18-year veteran of the force who was lost Thursday in the line of due process. “Today we mourn the loss of a beloved police officer,…

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‘Real Housewives’ Faces Backlash Over Decision To Film In Misogynistic, Homophobic Location Of New Jersey

Thu, 2021-11-04 09:55

NEW YORK—Drawing ire from critics who slammed the choice as “completely unethical,” producers of the Real Housewives franchise faced backlash Thursday over their decision to film in the misogynistic, homophobic location of New Jersey. “It’s bad enough the U.S. government has normalized relations with them—we don’t…

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