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Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede

Tue, 2017-10-31 10:27

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary…

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Most Popular Halloween Costumes For Couples

Tue, 2017-10-31 10:22

Many couples like to get creative on halloween and dress up as a famous duo. Here are this year’s most popular halloween costumes.

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‘I’ll Make Those Bastards Pay,’ Teary-Eyed Mueller Whispers Into Locket Containing Photo Of James Comey

Mon, 2017-10-30 16:16

WASHINGTON—After issuing indictments against former Trump campaign associates Paul Manafort and Rick Gates on Monday, a teary-eyed Robert S. Mueller III reportedly whispered, “I’ll make those bastards pay,” into a locket containing a photo of James Comey. “I’ll never forget what those sons of bitches did to you,” said…

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Saudi Arabia Grants Robot Citizenship

Mon, 2017-10-30 15:05

The Saudi government has bestowed citizenship on a humanoid robot named Sophia, becoming the first country in the world with a robotic citizen. What do you think?

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Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

Mon, 2017-10-30 14:17

BROOKLINE, MA—Rushing into the home of the New England Patriots quarterback and snatching a protein powder shake out of his hand, embarrassed health guru Alex Guerrero reportedly informed Tom Brady Monday that he’s been mistakenly following a toxic diet regimen this whole time. “Oh my god, Tom, there’s been a…

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Geologists Say Continents May Have Drifted Apart After Emotional Falling-Out

Mon, 2017-10-30 12:35

TUCSON, AZ—Saying that a tectonic shift in the landmasses’ relationship was the likeliest source, geologists at the University of Arizona told reporters Monday that the continents may have drifted apart after an emotional falling-out. “It appears from the geologic record that the continents separated after an…

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Study: Body Cameras Have No Impact On Police Behavior

Mon, 2017-10-30 10:50

A study of body camera use among Washington, D.C. police found the cameras had no impact on how often officers used force, contradicting past research. What do you think?

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Great, Daughter Measuring Self-Worth Against Some 13-Year-Old Named Skyla Now

Mon, 2017-10-30 10:35

SAVANNAH, GA—Saying she just can’t keep up with all the people making her child feel insecure, local mom Carol Tyson reportedly learned on Monday that her daughter was now measuring her self-worth against some 13-year-old named Skyla. “Great, some adolescent who doesn’t even have a hold on her own identity is now,…

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Pope Beatifies God In Important Step Toward Sainthood

Mon, 2017-10-30 10:28

VATICAN CITY—Announcing that the all-powerful deity had met the requirements for being considered a blessed person within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis beatified God on Monday, initiating an important step in the Almighty’s journey to sainthood. “Our independent committee of researchers has verified that the…

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Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full 

Sat, 2017-10-28 09:57

WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your…

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Entrance Fee For National Parks Could Be Increased To $70

Fri, 2017-10-27 17:25

The National Park Service has proposed more than doubling entrance fees at 17 national parks, including raising the price for guests in cars to $70. What do you think?

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Most Incompetent Coworker Once Again Shines At Office Halloween Party

Fri, 2017-10-27 15:55

SAN FRANCISCO—Shouting, “Eighty-eight miles per hour!” as he burst through the door in a handmade Doc Brown costume, Precision Intermedia sales associate Todd Shaw—indisputably the company’s most inept employee—once again shined at the annual office Halloween party, sources reported Friday. “I decided to mix it up…

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Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You

Fri, 2017-10-27 14:21

SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. “Amazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,” said…

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Chase Utley Freaks Out Dodgers With Spooky Story Of Home Run Ball That Was Never Found

Fri, 2017-10-27 14:16

LOS ANGELES—Quietly revealing that it had happened on a similar cloudy fall night, Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley reportedly freaked out his teammates before Game 3 of the World Series Friday evening with a spooky story of a home run ball that was never found. “Listen, all, to this old tale of a home run ball that…

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