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The Onion
Coffee Shop Onlookers Speculate About Unimaginable Riches Awaiting 43-Year-Old Reading ‘7 Habits Of Highly Effective People’
CHICAGO—Gawking at the man who they speculated would become the world’s next billionaire, onlookers at Higher Ground Café spoke to reporters Wednesday about the unimaginable riches that were surely awaiting the 43-year-old reading The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. “With the meteoric rise he’s bound to…
Fraternity Ice Breaker Asks All Pledges To Go Around And Say Current Rape Charges
Tennessee Woman Sets Record For World’s Longest Female Mullet
A 58-year-old woman from Knoxville, TN officially set the Guinness World Record for the world’s longest mullet on a woman, with her hair measuring 5 feet and 8 inches in length. What do you think?
Enlightened Baby Boomer Understands That Younger Generation Isn’t To Blame For Problems Minorities Caused
EDINA, MN—Saying it wasn’t fair to put all the blame on millennials and Generation Z, enlightened baby boomer Fred Billinger explained Wednesday that America’s youth could hardly be held responsible for all the problems minorities had caused. “A lot of my friends say the country is headed in the wrong direction…
Proud Boys React To Harsh Sentences For Capitol Riots
After several members of the far-right, neofascist militant group were convicted for their role in the Jan. 6 insurrection, The Onion asked Proud Boys what they thought about the harsh sentences for the Capitol riots, and this is what they said.
Point/Counterpoint: To My Constituents, My Health ... America ... Purple ... Bees vs. The Country ... Milkshake ... Vietnam ... Hello?
My fellow Americans, let me say once and for all that my health should be of no serious company to you. As my shrimp doctor has purpled, I am in nearly sherbet, and frankly the discussion of such personal mattress is becoming twin-sized bedding.
New Disney+ Bundle Comes With Full Custody Of Users’ Kids
BURBANK, CA—In a new strategy to grow their subscriber count, the Walt Disney Company unveiled a Disney+ bundle Wednesday that came with full custody of users’ kids. “For a limited time, you can get Disney+, Hulu, ESPN, and the sole custody of the children who currently live with your ex for just $20 a month,” said…
Late-Returning Burning Man Attendee Forced To Drive Fantastical Wooden Ship Straight To Work
CUPERTINO, CA—Still sporting the fishnet tights, spiked metal collar, and brightly colored pasties he had worn to the festival, late-returning Burning Man attendee Greg Schaffer was forced Tuesday to drive his fantastical wooden ship straight to work. “So sorry I’m late, my fellow burners and I got stuck on the…
Harvard Graduate Raises Over $300 Million From Angel Investors With Drawing Of Flying Dog
SAN FRANCISCO—In one of the biggest funding rounds so far this year, Harvard Business School graduate Josh Paulsen reportedly raised over $300 million from angel investors Tuesday with a drawing of a flying dog. “He came into my office, slapped his drawing on my desk, and said, ‘I’m going to make this happen,’”…
Safety Campaign Teaches New Parents That Babies Can Die In Just 1 Or 2 Inches Of Lava
OLYMPIA, WA—In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched Tuesday to teach new parents that babies can die in just one or two inches of lava. “Take it from me, leaving your infant unsupervised in a shallow pool of hot, molten rock is deadlier than you may think,”…
Local Hero Makes It Almost Entire Day Without Molesting Child
UTICA, NY—Nearly maintaining the moral standard from sunup to sundown, local hero Nathan Cessner reportedly made it almost an entire day this week without molesting a child. “I think he and his ability to not sexually assault minors for a period approaching 24 hours embodies something we should all strive toward,”…
Friends, Family Abandon Man One By One After Discovering He Balding
CHICAGO—Telling the 43-year-old that his condition had simply made him impossible to be around, friends and family reportedly abandoned local man Jonathan Clarke one by one Tuesday after they discovered he was balding. “It’s just too embarrassing to go anywhere with Jonathan when his scalp is out there in the open for…
Conservatives Explain Why Fulton County DA Fani Willis Should Be Impeached
Georgia Republicans are furious after Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis indicted former President Donald Trump for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked conservatives why Willis deserves to be impeached, and this is what they said.
Nation’s Scientists Announce Everything Science-Wise Is Regular
WASHINGTON—Offering insight into what’s currently happening in the field of science, the American Association for the Advancement of Science released a statement Monday confirming that everything science-wise was regular. “As far as science is concerned, we’re doing experiments and all the regular stuff,” said AAAS…
Highlights From Rudy Giuliani’s Apartment Listing
Facing massive legal bills, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is selling his Manhattan apartment to avoid financial ruin. The Onion examines the highlights from the apartment listing.
Report: You Could Quit Job Right Now And Just Play PS5 Until You Run Out Of Money
NEW YORK—Saying the choice was entirely in your hands, a report released Monday found that you could quit your job right now and just play PlayStation 5 until you run out of money. “At this very moment, you could walk out the front door of your office and go home to spend month after month playing God Of War: Ragnarok …
Nebraska Man Pulled Over With Bull Named Howdy Doody Riding Shotgun
A man in Nebraska was pulled over for driving down a highway in a compact car with a massive Watusi bull named Howdy Doody sitting in the passenger seat. What do you think?
Beyoncé Hires Mohammed Bin Salman To Perform At Her Birthday
LOS ANGELES—Verifying reports that she shelled out more than $100 million for the private show, insiders confirmed Monday that Beyoncé hired Mohammed bin Salman to perform at her recent birthday party in Bel Air, CA. “Beyoncé spared no expense in bringing her favorite artist, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, to her…