The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 5 hours 10 min ago

Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test

Thu, 2017-12-14 16:53

WASHINGTON—Instructing him to hold still while he connected the various wires, sources confirmed Thursday that Eric Trump hooked his older brother Donald Jr. up to an Xbox, iPad, and Roomba in order to practice passing a polygraph test. “We gotta do this a bunch of times because the machine can use your heartbeats to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Omarosa To Leave White House

Thu, 2017-12-14 16:37

White House aide and former “The Apprentice” contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman will leave the White House effective Jan. 20, 2018. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back

Thu, 2017-12-14 15:25

THE HEAVENS—Saying He had been meaning to get some fresh ink for a while now, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly got a Celtic cross tattooed on His back, celestial sources said Thursday. “This design carries a lot of meaning for me, and I’m really glad I could get my upper back tattooed with it,” said the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox

Thu, 2017-12-14 14:49

BURBANK, CA—Revealing that it was the provision that essentially sealed the multi-billion dollar deal, sources reported Thursday that Disney Company CEO Bob Iger offered Rupert Murdoch one night with Mickey Mouse in exchange for 21st Century Fox. “To help sweeten our $52.4 billion proposal, we offered Mr. Murdoch…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Estée Lauder Expedition Stumbles Upon Frozen Remains Of Previous Party Sent To Retrieve Rare Moisturizing Herb In The Himalayas

Thu, 2017-12-14 13:32

MAKALU, NEPAL—After uncovering four corpses buried in snow along an icy mountain ridge, members of an Estée Lauder expedition said Thursday they had found the remains of a party lost decades ago while searching for a unique moisturizing herb thought to grow deep in the Himalayas.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month

Thu, 2017-12-14 13:17

SEATTLE—Recognizing his professionalism and the extra effort he brings each and every day, Amazon announced Thursday that CEO Jeff Bezos was its latest Employee of the Month. “There are a lot of hardworking and talented folks who help make Amazon the success that it is, and Jeff is the perfect example of that,” said…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New ‘Star Wars’ Film Once Again Disappoints Die-Hard Nien Nunb Fans

Thu, 2017-12-14 12:21

BOSTON—Expressing frustration at the science fiction franchise’s repeated failure to deliver on their expectations, die-hard fans of Star Wars character Nien Nunb were once again disappointed by new film The Last Jedi, sources confirmed Thursday. “Christ, I came into Episode VIII thinking they’d at least delve deeper…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Former Facebook Exec Says Website Tearing Apart Fabric Of Society

Thu, 2017-12-14 12:06

Former Facebook VP Chamath Palihapitiya revealed this week that he felt “tremendous guilt” for helping to build the website and believed it was tearing apart society through misinformation and “exploiting vulnerabilities in human psychology.” What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Apple Acquires Shazam

Wed, 2017-12-13 16:12

Apple confirmed that it has acquired the music identification app Shazam for $400 million. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

DNC Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Alabama’s Working-Class White Voters

Wed, 2017-12-13 15:33

BIRMINGHAM, AL—In an effort to recognize the group’s pivotal role in helping elect Democrat Doug Jones to the Senate, the DNC took out a full-page ad Wednesday in The Birmingham News thanking Alabama’s working-class white voters. “To each and every white, working-class Alabaman who made their voices heard yesterday:…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

KitchenAid Unveils New All-Terrain Rolling Pin

Wed, 2017-12-13 14:04

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the rugged utensil a necessity for those who bake as hard as they live, KitchenAid on Thursday unveiled its new all-terrain rolling pin. “The DuraDough rolling pin features a larger cylinder diameter lined with specialized treads to take on heavy-duty dough prep,” said company spokesperson…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

A Heinous Tact

Wed, 2017-12-13 13:04
Categories: The Onion

Bitcoin Surge In First Day Of Wall Street Trading

Wed, 2017-12-13 11:30

Bitcoin experienced a meteoric rise on its first day of trading, surging up 15 percent to $18,000 in its market debut. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Onion Presents … 

Wed, 2017-12-13 02:00

Each year, The Onion faces the daunting task of singling out those individuals who most embody the spirit of the times, and 2017 proved a particularly difficult year in which to do so.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion