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Shutdown Cost U.S. Economy $11 Billion

Thu, 2019-01-31 18:39

An estimate from the CBO found that the recent shutdown cost the U.S. economy roughly $11 billion by dampening economic activity and furloughing federal workers. What do you think?

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First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit Suicide

Thu, 2019-01-31 17:14

ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones, Foxconn’s first fully automated assembly-line robot immediately attempted suicide after being powered up Thursday. “Unfortunately, the new robot we designed to assemble Apple products tried to take its own…

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Parenting Experts Warn Screen Time Greatly Increases Risk Of Child Becoming An Influencer

Thu, 2019-01-31 17:00

SANTA ROSA, CA—In a troubling study released by the California Parenting Institute on Thursday, behavioral experts found convincing evidence indicating that the excessive use of cell phones, computers, and other devices greatly increases a child’s risk of becoming an influencer. “Our research strongly suggests that…

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Parents’ Visit Injects $66 Into Local Apartment Economy

Thu, 2019-01-31 13:12

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In what economists are calling a “significant infusion of cash” for the three-bedroom duplex, area parents Kevin and Elaine Broward have pumped $66 dollars into the economy of a local apartment, sources confirmed Thursday. “We expect this stimulus to be a real boon to household spending, with tenants…

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Cop Just In It For The Frisking

Thu, 2019-01-31 10:16
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Record-Breaking Cold Grips Midwest

Thu, 2019-01-31 10:13

Polar winds are bringing historic cold to the midwest this week, with Chicago expected to reach as low as -20º fahrenheit for the first time since the mid-1990s. What do you think?

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Jimmy Carter Concerned Desire For Fresh Faces In Democratic Party May Hurt His Chances In 2020

Wed, 2019-01-30 13:49

PLAINS, GA—Admitting that current polling numbers caused him to rethink plans for the upcoming presidential election, 39th president Jimmy Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was concerned that the desire for fresh faces in the Democratic Party might hurt his chances in 2020. “I’ve definitely been considering a…

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New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Confirms Season 8 Will Reveal Identity Of Sword-Covered Chair

Wed, 2019-01-30 11:50

NEW YORK—Once more breathing life into the countless rumors and fan theories that have swirled since the series began, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Wednesday that suggests the eighth and final season will at long last reveal the identity of the hit show’s sword-covered chair. “We’re excited to finally…

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T-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of Your Apartment

Wed, 2019-01-30 11:42

BELLEVUE, WA—As a result of a coverage extension the wireless provider was calling a “game-changer” for their customers, T-Mobile officials announced Wednesday that their service will now reach up to 70 percent of your apartment. “You spoke up, and we listened. We’re pleased to confirm that T-Mobile will provide even…

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Roger Stone Open To Cooperating With Mueller

Wed, 2019-01-30 10:49

After a dramatic pre-dawn arrest by the FBI, political consultant Roger Stone indicated that he is open to cooperating with Robert Mueller in the ongoing probe of the Trump campaign. What do you think?

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Man’s Wife Dies Of Cancer Just Like In The Movies

Wed, 2019-01-30 10:45

HUDSON, NY—Expressing shock to find himself in a situation from the silver screen, local man Kevin Perry revealed Wednesday that his wife had died from stage-3 lymphoma just like in a Hollywood movie. “Man oh man, look at little old me, recently bereaved and struggling with a deep sense of loss like I’m smack dab out…

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Super Bowl LIII: Key Storylines To Watch

Wed, 2019-01-30 10:34

Super Bowl LIII will pit AFC champion New England Patriots against NFC champion Los Angeles Rams to determine whether Patriots fans can find it within themselves to get even more fucking obnoxious. The Onion takes a look at the key storylines for each team leading up to the big game.

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U.S. And Taliban Agree To Framework For Peace Deal

Tue, 2019-01-29 17:41

U.S. and Taliban peace talks have produced a tentative agreement, which would see a pullout of American troops in exchange for a ceasefire and talks with the Afghan government that could potentially bring an end to America’s longest war. What do you think?

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Minnesota Resident Thinking Of Finally Packing It All Up And Moving Someplace Warm Like Michigan

Tue, 2019-01-29 16:35

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that this week’s extreme wind chills were starting to get to her, Minnesota resident Anne Mauer confirmed Tuesday that she’s seriously thinking of packing it all up and moving somewhere warm like Michigan. “The winters here can be so brutal. Maybe it’s about time I go someplace down south like…

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Dick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006

Tue, 2019-01-29 16:08

MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Tuesday he had finally hunted down Harry Whittington and killed him in cold blood. “Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t regretted my failure to take out that…

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