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Carmelo Thinking He Would Be Good Fit On Team With GM Who Hasn’t Been Paying Attention Last Few Years

Tue, 2018-08-07 10:45

NEW YORK—In an effort to make the biggest impact possible in his 17th season, Carmelo Anthony revealed Tuesday that he thinks he would be a great fit on a team with a general manager who hasn’t been paying close attention the last few years. “The ideal situation for me would be a team that thinks they need that one…

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Alex Jones Warns Fans Quitting His Supplements Cold Turkey Can Lead To Homosexuality, Judaism

Tue, 2018-08-07 10:20

AUSTIN, TX—Cautioning against the devastating effects of abandoning the daily regimen of essential vitamins and minerals, radio host Alex Jones warned his fans Tuesday that quitting his supplements cold turkey could lead to homosexuality and Judaism. “Folks, if you miss even one day of your Anthroplex or Survival…

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Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park

Mon, 2018-08-06 18:12

AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down…

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First Amendment Experts Warn Facebook Banning InfoWars Could Set Completely Reasonable Precedent For Free Speech

Mon, 2018-08-06 17:09

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the widespread repercussions from the act of corporate censorship, first amendment experts warned Monday that Facebook’s decision to ban InfoWars could set a completely reasonable precedent for free speech. “If we allow giant media platforms to single out individual users for harassing the…

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Man Knows In Reality Marrying Minnie Mouse Wouldn’t Be As Perfect As He Imagines

Mon, 2018-08-06 17:06

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minnie Mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he liked to imagine. “Yes, Minnie is my dream…

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Russian Orphans Devastated After Realizing Trump Tower Meeting Not About Getting Them Adopted

Mon, 2018-08-06 16:24

NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to…

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President Admits Trump Tower Meeting Was To Get Dirt On Clinton

Mon, 2018-08-06 15:30

President Trump admitted this weekend that the purpose of a meeting between his son Don Jr. and a woman linked to the Kremlin was to search for incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, directly contradicting previous statements. What do you think?

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Backpedaling Trump Claims Eldest Son Would Probably Be Fine Doing 5 To 10 Years In Prison

Mon, 2018-08-06 13:31

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of past statements on the Trump Tower meeting, President Trump acknowledged Monday that he believed his eldest son would most likely be fine doing five to 10 years in a federal prison. “Despite reports that I’m concerned about my wonderful son being sent to jail, I actually think there…

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Financial Planners Suggest Spending One Evening Each Week Ripping Apart Walls, Floorboards In Search For Cash

Mon, 2018-08-06 13:23

CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors published a report Monday suggesting readers spend one evening ripping apart the walls and floorboards of their homes each week in search of hidden cash,…

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Owl Can’t Remember Which Direction To Rotate Head Back

Mon, 2018-08-06 13:18

ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I…

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Police Officer Wouldn’t Have Killed Black Man If He Knew Everyone Would Make Such A Big Fuss About It

Mon, 2018-08-06 12:53

MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident.…

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Trump Pushes For Interview With Mueller

Mon, 2018-08-06 11:35

Defying legal advice, President Trump told lawyers recently that he is eager to sit down for an interview with the special counsel. What do you think?

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Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech

Sat, 2018-08-04 20:55

On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.

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Grandmother Can’t Believe She Hung On This Long For Granddaughter’s Lame-Ass Wedding

Sat, 2018-08-04 09:12

KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…

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Trump Administration Revokes Obama-Era Fuel Standards

Fri, 2018-08-03 16:37

The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration, likely resulting in more low-efficiency cars on the road. What do you think?

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