The Onion

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I’d Probably Do Fine In Prison Because I Get Along With Everybody

Thu, 2022-11-10 09:18

I like to think of myself as a people person. Socializing has always been second nature to me, no matter where I am. You could drop me into a room full of strangers, and we’d all be thick as thieves by the end of the night. Heck, I’d probably even do well in prison, just because I tend to get along with everybody.

On…

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Stolen Bitcoin Worth $3 Billion Found In Popcorn Tin

Thu, 2022-11-10 08:00

The U.S. Department of Justice seized $3.36 billion of stolen Bitcoin after a 10-year search, authorities finding the funds hidden on various devices in a hacker’s home in an underfloor safe inside a popcorn tin. What do you think?

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Kid Could Afford To Be More Discerning About Which Rocks Are Worth Collecting

Thu, 2022-11-10 07:45

SEYMOUR, IN—Calling into question the 9-year-old amateur geologist’s taste and expertise, sources confirmed Thursday that local child Jacob Hiller could afford to be more discerning about which rocks were worth collecting. “I asked him what kind of rock this one was and he said ‘shiny’—shiny isn’t a rock type, moron,”…

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Clueless Commuters Walk Past World-Famous Subway Masturbator Without Realizing

Thu, 2022-11-10 07:30

NEW YORK—Ignoring what they apparently dismissed as just an ordinary, unassuming man with his pants around his ankles, dozens of clueless Manhattan commuters walked past the world-famous subway masturbator James Bosley without even realizing who he was, sources reported Wednesday. “It’s amazing anyone could pass by…

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Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections

Wed, 2022-11-09 18:20

Following a number of critical races that will determine the future of the country, The Onion examines the biggest winners and losers from the midterm elections.

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Chris Evans Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Man Alive

Wed, 2022-11-09 16:35

People magazine named Captain America star Chris Evans as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” What do you think?

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Winklevoss Twins Spend Joyous Afternoon Jerking Each Other Off

Wed, 2022-11-09 15:40

NEW YORK—Following reports of the first-ever mass layoffs at Facebook parent company Meta, sources confirmed identical twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss spent a joyous Wednesday afternoon jerking each other off. “Make pleasure of me as we rejoice in Zuckerberg’s demise, my dear brother,” Tyler Winklevoss said as he…

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Beto O’Rourke Asks Advisors If Getting Paralyzed By Tree Would Help 2026 Election Chances

Wed, 2022-11-09 15:15

AUSTIN, TXReeling in the wake of a difficult loss in the Texas gubernatorial race, Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly asked his advisors Wednesday if getting paralyzed by a tree might help his 2026 election chances. “Look, we’ve got to be honest with ourselves and admit something is holding me back as a…

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Smiling Fetterman Asks Oz If He’d Mind Slowly Repeating Concession For 5th Time

Wed, 2022-11-09 14:37

PITTSBURGH–Speaking to the Republican candidate over the phone early Wednesday morning, a smiling John Fetterman reportedly asked Mehmet Oz if he would mind slowly repeating his concession for the fifth time. “I don’t know if you knew this, but I’ve been experiencing some auditory processing difficulties–would you…

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Victorious Senator Vows To Still Fight For Billionaires Who Didn’t Funnel Dark Money Into Campaign

Wed, 2022-11-09 12:35

MOCKSVILLE, NC—Pledging that he would work to unite rather than divide following his election victory, Senator-elect Ted Budd (R-NC) vowed Wednesday to still fight for billionaires who didn’t funnel dark money into his campaign. “I want to thank all the ultra-wealthy people who did help me win by donating through a…

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New Legislation Would Prohibit Texting While Stabbing

Wed, 2022-11-09 12:20

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After attracting bipartisan sponsors in both houses of the state’s General Assembly, new legislation was introduced Wednesday that would prohibit texting while stabbing anywhere in Illinois. “Looking at your phone when you’re trying to stab someone is reckless because you can suddenly lose control of…

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What To Say To Someone Who Is Saving Themselves For Marriage

Wed, 2022-11-09 09:22

If you know someone who plans on saving sex for marriage, here are the things you should absolutely say to them.

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Scenes From The Midterm Elections

Wed, 2022-11-09 09:16

Millions of Americans went to the polls yesterday hoping to either save their nation or at least destroy it in a slightly different way. The Onion’s crack team of political reporters accompanied every single campaign and every single voter to every polling place in America to find the most compelling Election Day…

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Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work

Wed, 2022-11-09 09:15

WASHINGTON—Left reeling after discovering she no longer qualified for healthcare coverage through her White House job, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly lost her benefits Wednesday after her hours got cut at work. “Are you kidding me? Those assholes didn’t even warn me first,” said Harris, who was furious after…

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AI Software Company Patches Bug That Caused App To Treat Black People Equally

Wed, 2022-11-09 09:14

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to an outpouring of criticism across the tech industry, officials at software company Emergent AI confirmed Wednesday that they had fixed a bug causing their photo app to treat black users equally. “Unfortunately, we didn’t catch the glitch before several hundred users of color received…

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National Park Service Urging Visitors To Stop Licking Toxic Psychedelic Toads

Wed, 2022-11-09 07:00

The National Park Service is warning visitors against licking the Sonoran Desert Toad, an amphibian that secretes toxins that also act as a powerful hallucinogen when smoked, with officials stressing that even touching one can make humans very ill. What do you think?

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U.N. Chief Tells Climate Summit: Cooperate Or Perish

Tue, 2022-11-08 17:07

U.N. Secretary General António Guterres warned world leaders at the COP27 climate conference this week that the world is “on a highway to climate hell,” and urged the two biggest polluting countries, China and the United States, to “cooperate or perish.” What do you think?

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