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E3 Organizers Cancel Convention After Discovering Immersive Power Of Literature

Tue, 2018-06-12 14:57

LOS ANGELES—The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo was called off Tuesday after its organizers discovered the immersive power of literature, reportedly realizing that no video game could ever compare to the wonder of opening a work by Leo Tolstoy or Jorge Luis Borges and becoming engrossed in a masterful volume of…

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Hideo Kojima Says New Experimental Video Game Will Consist Entirely Of 2-Hour-Long Cutscene

Tue, 2018-06-12 14:38

LOS ANGELES—Cementing his reputation as an auteurist designer of bleeding-edge video games, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima took the stage at a press conference during the Electronic Entertainment Expo Tuesday to unveil Death Stranding, a new gaming opus consisting entirely of a two-hour pre-rendered cutscene.…

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Tips For Subletting Your Apartment

Tue, 2018-06-12 13:00
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Myth Vs. Fact: Homelessness

Tue, 2018-06-12 12:12

Over half a million people in the U.S. experience homelessness on an average night, and the circumstances of homelessness are often misunderstood by elected officials and the general public. The Onion looks at some of the common myths about homelessness.

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Body Positivity Advocate Caught In Illicit Tryst With Conventionally Attractive Lover

Tue, 2018-06-12 11:48

NEW YORK—In recently released photographs that sent shockwaves through the community, sources confirmed Tuesday that local body positivity advocate Heidi Gustason was caught in an illicit tryst with a conventionally attractive lover. “He has beautiful, dark eyes, a strong jaw, and symmetrical features—how could she,”…

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Research Finds More Education Leads To Nearsightedness

Tue, 2018-06-12 11:33

A study published in The BMJ found that the more years of schooling someone gets, the more likely they will need glasses for nearsightedness. What do you think?

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The 4 Best N64 Games About Giving Bernie Mac A Haircut

Tue, 2018-06-12 11:00

It’s always amazing to look back at the Nintendo 64 and remember the incredible games that came out during the console’s legendary run. Here are the four best N64 games about giving Bernie Mac a haircut that made the system one of the greatest in gaming history.

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Something Fucked-Up Must Have Happened: Every Suspect In This Police Lineup Is A Little Boy In A Sailor Suit Licking A Big Lollipop

Tue, 2018-06-12 10:55

Oh shit. You better buckle the fuck up for this one. Something truly fucked-up must have just happened, because every suspect in this lineup is a little boy in a sailor suit licking a big lollipop.

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Don’t Understand Net Neutrality Since That Horse Kicked You In The Head? Hush Now, And Look At The River

Tue, 2018-06-12 10:50

Having trouble understanding the nuances of net neutrality regulation ever since that horse kicked you upside the head? That’s just fine—you relax and look out at the river, now. Look it how the light sparkles off it just right, and don’t you turn around to look at me now, you hear?

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Trump Touts Success Of Singapore Summit After Securing $10 Billion Trade Deal To Sell Nuclear Warheads To North Korea

Mon, 2018-06-11 21:50

SINGAPORE—Saying the agreement represents a major high point in American international relations, President Trump concluded his summit with Kim Jong-un Monday by securing a $10 billion trade deal to sell both strategic and tactical nuclear warheads directly to North Korea. “There was some negotiating involved in…

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Scientists Develop Blood Test That May Predict Woman’s Due Date

Mon, 2018-06-11 17:45

Researchers at Stanford University have produced a blood test that can accurately predict a pregnant woman’s due date, plus or minus 14 days, as an alternative to ultrasounds. What do you think?

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Justify Wakes Up Next To Decapitated Head Of Prized Jockey After Refusing To Throw Triple Crown

Mon, 2018-06-11 16:42

ELMONT, NY—Emitting an ear-piercing squeal while surveying the blood-soaked hay in the stable, American thoroughbred racehorse Justify woke up Monday next to the decapitated head of his prized jockey Monday after refusing to throw the Triple Crown. According to sources, the dazed colt, which had won the Belmont Stakes…

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World Leaders Hope Singapore Summit Will Lead To North Korea Becoming Normal Impoverished Country They Don’t Have To Think About

Mon, 2018-06-11 16:31

PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I…

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Dalai Lama Swears He Recognizes Guy At Party From Past Life

Mon, 2018-06-11 15:12

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at…

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Couple Fucking At Next Table Obviously On Third Date

Mon, 2018-06-11 14:12

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Unable to help themselves from eavesdropping on the interaction going on in the romantic corner behind them, diners at the Boca Bistro told reporters Monday that the couple fucking at the next table was obviously on their third date. “From the number of excuse-me’s and little exclamations of…

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Beyoncé And Jay-Z Launch ‘On The Run II’ Tour

Mon, 2018-06-11 12:09

Beyoncé and Jay-Z have kicked off their continuation of the “On The Run” tour with massive set pieces and a wide selection from their iconic catalogues in a performance at Cardiff, Wales. What do you think?

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