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Updated: 12 hours 26 min ago

Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near

Thu, 2020-03-19 16:08

But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?

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Tik-Tok May Have Buried Posts From Ugly Users

Thu, 2020-03-19 15:55

Leaked documents allegedly show that the video-sharing app Tik-Tok instructed moderators to censor posts made by people deemed ugly, poor, overweight or disabled in an effort to artificially limit their audiences. What do you think?

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Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

Thu, 2020-03-19 15:45

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced Thursday a plan to stimulate the economy by sending a rare autographed 8-by-10-inch glossy photograph of himself to every U.S. resident. “We know people are hurting…

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Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends

Thu, 2020-03-19 15:14

BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers, 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends. “Everyone is panicking about this thing, but as far as I can tell,…

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Woman Annoyed Cat Would Rather Play With Hair Tie Than Expensive Gaming Console She Bought It

Thu, 2020-03-19 13:53

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered, local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it. “The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was…

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6 Startling Before And After Photos Of Meth Users

Thu, 2020-03-19 10:47

In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive abilities, its immediate impact on one’s physical appearance is perhaps even more astonishing. The man pictured above is…

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Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

Thu, 2020-03-19 09:40

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem. “The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold…

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Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors

Thu, 2020-03-19 09:35

NEW YORK CITY—Letting out deep, powerful grunts that echoed throughout the area’s countless deserted storefronts, thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded the streets of New York City Thursday mere days after residents were quarantined indoors. “After just a week of human isolation, this once-dying…

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Huge Announcement: Sony Just Revealed The PS5 Can Function As A Makeshift Gravestone To Mark The Site Of Your Shallow Burial

Wed, 2020-03-18 16:20

Well gamers, it looks like Sony’s long-anticipated unveiling of the PlayStation 5’s specs did not disappoint. Not only is the system massively powerful with over 10 teraflops of computing output, but the company also revealed the state-of-the-art console can function as a makeshift gravestone to mark the site of your…

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Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist

Wed, 2020-03-18 16:02

Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.

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Amazon Hires 100,000 Workers In Wake Of Coronavirus Surge

Wed, 2020-03-18 16:02

Amazon announced they will hire an additional 100,000 warehouse and delivery workers to keep up with the onslaught of new orders as customers shift their shopping online during the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?

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Tom Brady Leaves New England Patriots

Wed, 2020-03-18 15:09

Quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is a free agent after 20 years with the New England Patriots, though it is rumored he plans to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?

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Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water

Wed, 2020-03-18 14:47

Ever since last year’s announcement of the Xbox Series X, gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out. Well, today Microsoft’s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that’s going to blow…

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Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks

Wed, 2020-03-18 14:41

WASHINGTON—As his administration makes plans to combat the economic damage caused by the coronavirus with direct payments to Americans, President Donald Trump reportedly conferred with aides behind closed doors Wednesday to confirm he would be among those citizens receiving a pair of $1,000 checks. “Hey, I’m also…

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Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists

Wed, 2020-03-18 13:18

WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower, President Donald Trump hit back at China Wednesday by announcing the U.S. would also expel American journalists. “Effective immediately, all reporters must leave the country—we’re not going to let China outdo us on this one,” said Trump, who issued…

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Conservative Worries Relief Checks Would Discourage Americans From Providing For Selves By Killing Him And Taking His Property

Wed, 2020-03-18 11:52

NEW HAVEN, CT—Speaking out against proposals to provide federal assistance to Americans hardest hit by the pandemic-fueled economic downturn, local conservative Mark Garrett expressed worry Wednesday that relief checks would discourage citizens from learning to provide for themselves by killing him and taking his…

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10 Most OMG Adorable Animals

Wed, 2020-03-18 10:48

Uh, hello? Adorable much?

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