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Updated: 11 hours 19 min ago

Fans Excited As ‘Solo’ Trailer Sheds Light On Specifically How It Will Suck

Mon, 2018-04-09 14:19

NEW YORK—Expressing their excitement at the preview of the latest installment in the popular franchise, self-proclaimed Star Wars fans told reporters Monday that they were blown away by a newly released Solo trailer that sheds light on specifically how the upcoming film will suck. “In the past, they’ve teased at the…

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Soybean Pissed After Learning Trade War Means Trip To China Canceled

Mon, 2018-04-09 14:00

DECATUR, IL—Expressing frustration after wasting so much time germinating, absorbing soil nutrients, and learning about the rich culture of the Hunan province, a local soybean was reportedly pissed Monday upon learning that the ongoing trade war meant its trip to China was canceled. “Christ, this is just my fucking…

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Oat Farmer Seriously Thinking About Getting Into Barley

Mon, 2018-04-09 12:49

CARLISLE, IA—Calling the potential transition a drastic but much-needed change of pace, oat farmer Bill Gannon told reporters Monday he’s seriously thinking about getting into barley. “Obviously, cultivating oats will always have a special place in my heart, but recently I can’t help but wonder if harvesting barley is…

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Unstable Couple Playing With Fire By Organizing Game Night

Mon, 2018-04-09 12:45

MIDVALE, UT—Tempting fate by putting together an evening of semi-competitive, semi-collaborative recreation, local unstable couple Molly and Jared Ball flouted common sense by organizing a game night for their friends Monday. “Man, those two are really hanging their asses in the wind with this game night,” said Amir…

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Aging Father Struggling To Keep Family’s Personal Failings Straight

Mon, 2018-04-09 11:07

DELRAY BEACH, FL—Attributing the recent drop-off in cognition to his advanced age, relatives of Arnold Simmons told reporters Monday that the 74-year-old was now noticeably struggling to keep the personal failings of all his family members straight. “It’s so sad hearing this once-vibrant man call my brother Peter an…

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New Honda Commercial Openly Says Your Kids Will Die In A Car Crash If You Buy A Different Brand

Mon, 2018-04-09 10:39

TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter…

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Hotel Forgives Guest After Flock Of Seagulls Destroyed Room In 2001

Mon, 2018-04-09 10:27

The Fairmont Empress Hotel has forgiven a guest 17 years after he left a suitcase filled with pepperoni sticks by an open window, thereby attracting a flock of seagulls and causing the room’s destruction. What do you think?

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‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ Celebrates 50th Anniversary

Fri, 2018-04-06 17:14

Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey hit U.S. theaters 50 years ago this week, changing sci-fi filmmaking forever with its stunning setpieces and psychedelic visuals. What do you think?

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PGA Officials Break Up Crowd Of Rowdy Fans Committing Commodities Fraud In Augusta National Parking Lot

Fri, 2018-04-06 16:17

AUGUSTA, GA—Noting that the out-of-control individuals harassed numerous female attendees and sent the world price of eggs and pork into a free fall, PGA officials reportedly had to break up a crowd of rowdy fans who were committing commodities fraud Friday in the Augusta National’s parking lot. “We’ve received…

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Kobe Bryant Creates Foundation To Help Children Struggling With Severe Narcissism

Fri, 2018-04-06 13:28

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to destigmatize the condition of those who live with pathological self-centeredness, former basketball great Kobe Bryant held a press conference Friday to announce the launch a new foundation to help children struggling with severe narcissism. “I’ve dealt with this condition my whole life, so…

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Study Finds Eating Doctor After Birth Can Provide Essential Nutrients To New Mothers

Fri, 2018-04-06 12:23

HOUSTON—Emphasizing the practice’s many health benefits, a new study released Friday by the Baylor College of Medicine found that new mothers who ate their doctor after birth were able to reabsorb many essential nutrients and minerals lost during the delivery process. “Among women who had just gone through labor,…

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KitchenAid Unveils Spring-Loaded Toaster That Allows Rad High Schoolers To Grab Breakfast In Midair While Leaving House

Fri, 2018-04-06 11:37

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Touting the appliance as a fun new way for kids to speed up their mornings, KitchenAid unveiled a spring-loaded toaster Friday that is designed to enable rad high school students to grab a piece of toast in midair on their way out of the house. “This sleek, state-of-the-art pop-up toaster has been…

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Kid Putting Pencils Between Knuckles About To Fuck Someone Up

Fri, 2018-04-06 11:35

SEABROOK, NH—Warning that the real-life Wolverine was about to start some serious shit, third-grade sources reported Friday that Michael Handley, the kid on the other side of the playground putting pencils between his knuckles, was about to fuck someone up. “Man, I would not mess with that kid if I were you,” reported…

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Exercising Woman Really Starting To Feel The Burn Of Lifelong Injury Developing

Fri, 2018-04-06 10:48

RALEIGH, NC—Expressing excitement at the long-term benefits of her new workout routine, exercising woman Brianna Newton reported Friday that she was really beginning to feel the burn of a lifelong injury developing. “Oh, yeah—I’m definitely starting to feel some results [from my repeated misuse of the treadmill and…

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Retired Pope Benedict Pledges To Donate Soul For Ecclesiastic Research

Fri, 2018-04-06 10:38

VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to…

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You Can Hold Snake, Owner Reports

Fri, 2018-04-06 10:37
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U.S. Marshals Arrest Designers Of Water Slide That Decapitated Rider

Fri, 2018-04-06 10:34

Federal agents arrested the designers of the Schlitterbahn water slide in Kansas City that decapitated a 10-year-old rider. What do you think?

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