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The Onion
Most Controversial Statements By CPAC Speakers
The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off this week. The Onion examines the most controversial statements made by CPAC speakers.
Man Sets World Record Visiting Disneyland Nearly 3,000 Days In A Row
A 50-year-old California man has been certified a Guinness World Record holder after visiting Disneyland nearly 2,995 times in a row, with his streak beginning in 2012 and ending when the park closed for the pandemic in 2020. What do you think?
High Cost Of Child Care Forcing More Toddlers To Work Their Way Through Preschool
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Friday by the Center for American Progress, the high cost of child care is forcing more toddlers to work their way through preschool. “With the cost of child care skyrocketing across the country, a record number of children as young as 2 have been seeking part-time and…
CPAC To Feature Exhibit Where Visitors Can Toss Raw Chicken To Rudy Giuliani
WASHINGTON—Advertising the event as a chance to interact personally with a conservative icon, organizers confirmed Thursday that the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference would feature a new exhibit where visitors could purchase and toss pieces of raw chicken to Rudy Giuliani. “This year, for $5 a pop,…
Woman Testifies Before Congress About What It’s Like To Say Goodbye Then Keep Walking The Same Way
CPAC Audience Encouraged To Reach Under Chair To Be Groped By Matt Schlapp
WASHINGTON—In an announcement that drew enthusiastic applause from the influencers and supporters in attendance, audience members at the Conservative Political Action Conference were reportedly encouraged Thursday to reach under their chairs and receive a complimentary groping from the event’s organizer, Matt …
City Finally Safe After Every Single Resident Hired As Police
CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our initiative to ensure complete security throughout the city, we have deputized all 2.7…
U.S. Adds $19 Trillion In Debt Attempting To Win Toy For Girlfriend From Claw Machine
WASHINGTON—Jeopardizing its creditworthiness and standing on the global stage, the United States has so far added nearly $19 trillion to the national debt through repeated unsuccessful efforts to win its girlfriend a toy from an arcade’s claw machine, sources reported Thursday. “Right, little more, little left—stop!”…
What To Know About ‘Hogwarts Legacy’
Two weeks after its release, Hogwarts Legacy has become one of the fastest-selling video games of all time, despite controversy surrounding Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. The Onion takes a deep dive into everything you need to know about Hogwarts Legacy.
Filthy, Grease-Covered Boyfriend Left To Soak In Kitchen Sink For Few Hours
PASO ROBLES, CA—Noting that she had procrastinated cleaning him for so long that he had developed a thick, impenetrable layer of grime, local woman Tiffany Watters told reporters Thursday that she had left her filthy, grease-covered boyfriend in the kitchen sink to soak for a few hours. “It’s disgusting, I know, but…
European Space Agency Proposes New Time Zone For Moon
The European Space Agency proposed a new time zone for the Moon, saying there is a need to establish some synchronicity in how we tell time on the Moon as many countries race to explore it. What do you think?
Could Barred Owls Be The Next Big Thing In Hooting Loudly And Consuming Voles?
Sex-Related Injuries That Could Send You To The Hospital
Making love can often be far more dangerous than expected. The Onion examines sex-related injuries that could send you to the hospital.
Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End
The expansion of SNAP benefits, also known as food stamps, that were put in place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic is ending, pushing about 32 million Americans off a “hunger cliff.” What do you think?
Archaeologists Theorize England’s Mysterious Big Ben Monument Originally Constructed To Measure Time
CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Company
NEW YORK—Expressing confidence that the new technology wasn’t a threat, FinCorp Solutions CEO Charles Markham reportedly expressed relief Wednesday that artificial intelligence could never replace him if he already contributed nothing to the company. “I actually don’t do anything, so there’s nothing the computer can…