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Study: Many Obama Voters Switched To Trump Because Of Race

Fri, 2018-11-23 10:15

A new study suggests that voters who supported President Obama but switched to Trump in 2016 tended to be more racially conservative and have less liberal attitudes towards racial minorities, contradicting the narrative attributing the shift to economic anxieties. What do you think?

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Report: You Have Been Selected To Make A Purchase At The Onion Store

Fri, 2018-11-23 10:06

CHICAGO—A report released today confirmed that you, a reader known for your discerning taste and keen intellect, have been selected to make a purchase from The Onion store. “Congratulations! America’s Finest News Source has chosen to give you, and you alone, the rare opportunity to step inside our digital store and…

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Woman Toys With Idea Of Getting Sister Something Nice They Can Do Together As Gift Before Settling On Candle

Fri, 2018-11-23 09:59

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Entertaining dozens of options in her search for the perfect birthday gift, local 27-year-old Alison Levine reportedly spent Friday toying with getting her sister something nice they could do together before settling on a candle. “At first I thought I’d get her a gift certificate so we could bond at a…

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Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving

Thu, 2018-11-22 21:22

Americans sit down today to commemorate the first Pilgrims’ harvest by gathering with relatives and enjoying traditional Thanksgiving meals. What are you thankful for this year?

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Everyone At Thanksgiving Doing Chore To Get Away From Rest Of Family

Thu, 2018-11-22 10:45

PHOENIX, AZ—Unanimously insisting that the 17 separate tasks would only take a moment and be no trouble at all, each and every member of the Blake family present for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday reportedly undertook a chore in order to get some time away from the rest of their family. “Here, now, I can take the trash…

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93-Year-Old Grandmother At Thanksgiving Worried This Last Time She Sees Fuck-Up Grandson Before He Dies

Thu, 2018-11-22 10:30

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Emphasizing the importance of savoring each moment with her family while she still can, 93-year-old grandmother Regina Silver expressed fears Thursday that this Thanksgiving might be the last time she would see Derek Silver, 25, her notorious fuck-up grandson, before his death. “That boy just seems to…

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Man Pissed After Becoming Trapped In Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade While Out Walking Giant Pikachu Balloon

Thu, 2018-11-22 10:00

NEW YORK—Unable to escape the crowded procession, local man Alex Boutros was pissed Thursday after becoming trapped in the Macy’s Day Parade while he was out walking his giant Pikachu balloon. “Goddammit, this is just my fucking luck,” said Boutros, who was stuck between the Rockettes and the “Snoopy’s Doghouse”…

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More Than 43 Million Travel Home For Thanksgiving

Wed, 2018-11-21 23:00

Braving airport crowds and flight delays, 43 million Americans will travel home this week to spend Thanksgiving with friends and family, the organization AAA predicted. What do you think?

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Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving

Wed, 2018-11-21 13:00

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the undertaking would provide an extremely rewarding experience for families during the holiday season, the Humane Society released a statement Wednesday urging Americans to opt for a shelter turkey this Thanksgiving. “Sure, some of our turkeys are a little rougher around the edges, but they…

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Timeline Of Thanksgiving

Wed, 2018-11-21 12:50

Thanksgiving is one of America’s oldest and most cherished cultural traditions. The Onion looks back at the history of Thanksgiving.

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CDC: Alzheimer’s, Dementia Cases To Double By 2060

Wed, 2018-11-21 12:21

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that the number of Americans with Alzheimer’s or dementia will double by 2060, growing from 5 million to 13.9 million cases. What do you think?

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Michael Bloomberg Gives $1.8 Billion To Johns Hopkins University

Tue, 2018-11-20 17:43

Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg will give $1.8 billion to his alma mater to create need-blind admissions in perpetuity. What do you think?

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Nation’s Aunts Announce Their 2018 Thanksgiving Boyfriend Roster

Tue, 2018-11-20 16:23

WASHINGTON—Introducing an updated and expanded lineup for the much-anticipated annual event, single aunts across America released their official Thanksgiving 2018 boyfriend roster, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “We’re excited to show off one of the strongest rookie classes in years, as all sorts of up-and-coming…

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Study: Average Man Thinks Of Santa Every 7 Seconds

Tue, 2018-11-20 16:19

ITHACA, NY—In a new study released Tuesday by Cornell University, researchers revealed that the average adult male thinks of Santa Claus once every seven seconds. “Based on our extensive data, we can confirm that if you’re having a conversation with a man, whether he is young or old, chances are good that he is…

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Report: Purchasing Items From Onion Store Most Important Way To Either Stop Or Help Donald Trump

Tue, 2018-11-20 15:42

CHICAGO—Pronouncing the licensed retail goods acquisition technique “an effective method for citizens who wish to make their voices heard in these turbulent times,” a recent study conducted by the Brookings Institution concluded that purchasing items from the Onion store was the most important way for Americans to…

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Open-Ended New Bill Criminalizes Whatever Black People Up To Right Now

Tue, 2018-11-20 15:15

WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would provide a substantial boon to police departments nationwide, members of the House Republican caucus introduced a bill Tuesday containing open-ended language that would criminalize whatever it is black people are up to right now. “This is a long-overdue piece of legislation that will…

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