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Updated: 9 hours 16 min ago

Resigned Pew Research Study Has No Fucking Clue What’s Going On With 15% Of Americans

Fri, 2020-06-19 09:00

WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “total goddamn mysteries,” a resigned Pew Research study released Friday found it was impossible to determine what the fuck was going on with 15% of Americans. “After an exhaustive, year-long venture, we are still just as confused, if not more confused,…

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Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben’s Brands To Be Overhauled

Thu, 2020-06-18 17:03

The parent companies of Aunt Jemima pancake mix, Mrs. Butterworth syrup, and Uncle Ben’s rice have each announced this week plans to revamp or fully retire the brands, acknowledging the racist origins of the images. What do you think?

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White House Toilet Doesn’t Know If It Can Handle Another 4 Years Of Trump

Thu, 2020-06-18 14:03

WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of what another term would bring, a White House toilet reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that it didn’t know if it could handle another four years of President Donald Trump. “I know I’m supposed to be apolitical and serve at the pleasure of the president, whoever it is, but I…

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Kentucky Attorney General So Starstruck By Letter From Beyoncé He Unable To Even Read What It’s About

Thu, 2020-06-18 12:58

FRANKFORT, KY—Describing feelings of excitement despite social unrest and an inundation of calls for justice after the extrajudicial murder of Breonna Taylor, Kentucky attorney general Daniel Cameron was reportedly so starstruck this week by the open letter penned to him by world-famous singer–songwriter Beyoncé that…

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Researchers Find Crows Smart Enough Not To Let On How Smart They Really Are

Thu, 2020-06-18 12:47

SEATTLE—Concluding that the species is far more advanced than it pretends to be, researchers at the University of Washington have found that crows are smart enough not to let on how smart they really are, according to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Field Ornithology. “After closely examining a variety of…

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Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027

Thu, 2020-06-18 09:00

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can, a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what’s coming in 2027. “Our research has found that if you think you’re stressed out now, savor it, because all of…

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Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction

Thu, 2020-06-18 08:59

Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.

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American Airlines Suspends Alcohol Service For Economy Class

Thu, 2020-06-18 08:53

American Airlines announced this week that due to coronavirus fears they will no longer sell alcohol on flights in an effort to reduce the amount of time passengers spend with their masks off, but that the ban does not apply to people in first class. What do you think?

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Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy

Wed, 2020-06-17 15:19

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Wielding assault rifles and chanting “smarter than the average bear” as they gathered around the cartoon character, heavily armed fans reportedly guarded a statue of Yogi Bear Wednesday on the off chance that he turned out to have supported the confederacy. “We will lay down our lives to protect this…

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7-Eleven Cancels Free Slurpee Day

Wed, 2020-06-17 14:45

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven confirmed they will cancel this year’s Free Slurpee Day, scheduled for July 11, due to “uncertainties associated with the Covid-19 pandemic.” What do you think?

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William Howard Taft Historian Confident Solution To Nation’s Troubles Can Be Found In Storied Career Of William Howard Taft

Wed, 2020-06-17 14:31

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the parallels with our age were almost uncanny, William Howard Taft historian B.R. Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was confident the solution to our nation’s troubles could be found in the storied career of William Howard Taft. “America is fractured, but I’m sure that a balm to…

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NASA Launches Paparazzo Rover In Beverly Hills To Search For Signs Of Salacious Celebrity Life

Wed, 2020-06-17 14:11

BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new…

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Sweat-Soaked Mattress Praying This The Year Couple Invests In Air Conditioner

Wed, 2020-06-17 13:16

CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these…

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Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age

Wed, 2020-06-17 13:13

PENSACOLA, FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection, manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield, 63, only married local dad Robert Morales, 77, so that she could take care of him as he grows old, sources reported Wednesday. “Ugh, she’s obviously just taking advantage of Dad’s vulnerable state by offering…

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Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option

Wed, 2020-06-17 09:03

The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?

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Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes

Wed, 2020-06-17 08:59

NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant…

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