The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 9 hours 28 sec ago

Intelligence Briefing Interrupted By Sofa-Cushion-Wearing Trump Boys Volunteering To Fight In North Korea

Fri, 2017-10-27 13:27

WASHINGTON—With sofa cushions duct-taped to their chests as they marched into the meeting, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly interrupted a military intelligence briefing Friday, shouting “ten-hut!” in unison and then volunteering to fight in North Korea.

According to sources, Defense Secretary James Mattis…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Scientists: Mind Continues To Work After Death

Fri, 2017-10-27 10:44

Researchers found evidence that the brain shows signs of activity for a short time after death, meaning that a person may be briefly conscious of their surroundings even after dying. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Mother Can’t Believe 10-Year-Old Has Already Outgrown Mobility Scooter

Fri, 2017-10-27 10:32

HOUSTON—Shocked that it was snug in the waist after only three months, area mom Donna Haversaw told reporters Friday that she couldn’t believe her 10-year-old son had already outgrown his mobility scooter. “I know kids grow fast at this age, but geez! We’ve already let the handlebars out twice and the steering wheel…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Startling Report Finds Evidence Democrats May Have Attempted To Influence 2016 Election

Fri, 2017-10-27 10:27

WASHINGTON—Revealing that newly discovered ads and online articles could have been part of a coordinated campaign, a startling new report released Friday found evidence that Democrats may have attempted to influence the 2016 presidential election. “Although it’s unclear if the efforts had any impact, it seems…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

2017 Sets All-Time Record For Store Closings

Thu, 2017-10-26 16:22

In a sign of continued struggles for brick-and-mortar retailers, 2017 has seen a record number of store closings, with more than 6,700 retail locations planned to close this year. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Poll: 68% Of Americans Believe Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Like Asshole

Thu, 2017-10-26 15:06

WASHINGTON—More than 50 years after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, a Gallup poll published Thursday revealed that 68 percent of Americans now believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted like a total asshole. “Remarkably, our polling data reveal that more than two-thirds of U.S. citizens are now convinced that…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘It’s Simply Bursting With Creative Wonder,’ Says Reviewer Of New Game Where Mario Sometimes Dresses As Chef

Thu, 2017-10-26 14:44

LOS ANGELES—Lavishing praise on Nintendo for its fresh and inspired design, a reviewer declared Thursday that a new game in which Mario sometimes dresses as a chef is “simply bursting with creative wonder.” “Every moment of this delightful adventure is overflowing with wildly innovative ideas that take the franchise…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pope Francis Admits God Really Starting To Look Old

Thu, 2017-10-26 12:50

VATICAN CITY—Startled by how much His appearance had deteriorated since they’d last met, Pope Francis admitted to reporters on Thursday that God was really starting to look old. “Man, I guess I hadn’t noticed it until now, but these last few years have really taken a toll,” said the pontiff, adding that perhaps the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Puerto Ricans Without Power For Month Can Only Assume This Leading Story Across National News Media

Thu, 2017-10-26 11:54

SAN JUAN, PR—Saying that their fellow countrymen were probably deluged with coverage of their plight, residents of Puerto Rico who have been without power for the last month told reporters Thursday that they could only assume that this crisis had to be the nation’s leading news story. “I mean, I haven’t heard anything…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Tips For Losing Weight

Thu, 2017-10-26 11:48

Losing weight is a constant struggle for many Americans, but advancements in health research have made slimming down easier than ever. Here are some tips for losing weight.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study: Insect Populations Declined 75% Over Last 30 Years

Thu, 2017-10-26 10:36

Scientists in Germany have detected a 75 percent decline in the population of flying insects over the last three decades, which they warn could be disastrous for ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

OB-GYN Kind Of Annoyed She Has To Confirm Woman’s Premonition About Sex Of Baby That Came To Her In Dream

Thu, 2017-10-26 10:22

GAINESVILLE, VA—Cursing under her breath while examining the ultrasound image, area ob-gyn Dr. Geena McDyer was reportedly kind of annoyed Thursday that she had to confirm her patient’s premonition about the sex of her baby that came to her in a dream. “I don’t want to see her smug expression when I tell her she’s…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

China Launching ‘Social Credit’ App That Rates Citizens’ Loyalty

Wed, 2017-10-25 17:25

China is rolling out an app that ranks all 1.3 billion of the country’s citizens based on their finances, habits, and loyalty to the state, which will affect their ability to travel and apply for jobs. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Russian Interference Had No Impact On Election, Reports Website Created 8 Minutes Ago

Wed, 2017-10-25 14:47

WASHINGTON—Stating conclusively that the meddling was “negligible at best,” TruthBeacon.org, an entirely new website created eight minutes ago, declared that Russian interference had no impact on the 2016 U.S. presidential election. “Experts have determined without a doubt that there is absolutely no truth to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion