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Updated: 19 hours 57 min ago

‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report

Thu, 2019-04-18 16:57

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—Urging readers to “stay tuned” and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. “So far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report about…

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The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report

Thu, 2019-04-18 16:39

After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process to…

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Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity

Thu, 2019-04-18 16:28

LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never relent in its goal of attaining facial purity across the globe.

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Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album

Thu, 2019-04-18 16:06

Days after the one-year anniversary of her Coachella set, Beyoncé has released Homecoming: The Live Album, an hour-and-a-half document of the critically acclaimed 2018 performance spanning tracks from her career. What do you think?

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Report: You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself

Thu, 2019-04-18 15:17

WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this…

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North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S.

Thu, 2019-04-18 14:23

PYONGYANG—In what appeared to be a more modest escalation of threats against the United States and its allies in the region, North Korea announced Thursday it had tested out a new knife, conducting a series of trial cuts with the weapon that state media described as “a great success.” “The Democratic People’s Republic…

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‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race

Thu, 2019-04-18 13:24

Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, IN who has experienced a rapid rise in prominence in recent months, announced his official entry to the 2020 race this weekend, portraying himself as a force of generational change despite criticisms of his youth and inexperience. What do you think?

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Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain

Thu, 2019-04-18 10:50

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his…

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Report: There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16

Thu, 2019-04-18 08:30

COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and it’s pretty much across from the McDonald’s and…

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Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details

Wed, 2019-04-17 17:30

In a recent Wired article, Sony representatives revealed their next console will feature split-second loading times, backwards compatibility, and processing power enhanced by “ray tracing,” a technique that realistically models how light travels. What do you think?

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Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured

Wed, 2019-04-17 16:47

LOS ANGELES—Chastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousins’ season-ending quad injury. “Remember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on the…

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Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf

Wed, 2019-04-17 15:58

EL SEGUNDO, CA—As part of the company’s ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. “We’re proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made from…

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Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary

Wed, 2019-04-17 14:14

DES MOINES, IA—Revealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. “01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000…

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Fenta-Nil

Wed, 2019-04-17 14:10
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Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System

Wed, 2019-04-17 14:07

PARIS—Saying the devastation could perhaps have been avoided with some routine upgrades to modern 200-amp service, investigators announced Wednesday they have traced the cause of the Notre Dame fire to the cathedral’s archaic electrical system, which dates back to the 12th century. “In our examination of the wreckage,…

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Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract

Wed, 2019-04-17 13:44

NEW YORK—Adding the big-name dinosaur to an already stacked lineup featuring stars like Nathan Drake and Ratchet, Sony scored a big win for the upcoming PlayStation 5 Wednesday by poaching Yoshi away from Nintendo with a record-breaking 10-year, $400-million contract. “This is a huge day for Sony. Yoshi is one of the…

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‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres

Wed, 2019-04-17 12:36

This Sunday, viewers flocked to the blockbuster season premiere of Game Of Thrones to see the fates of their favorite characters and who will finally take the Iron Throne. What do you think?

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