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The Onion
New Community Health Program Teaches Low-Income Americans To Ignore Symptoms
NEW YORK—In an effort to educate low-income residents on the most affordable treatment options available to them, NYU Langone Health rolled out a new program Monday aimed at teaching community members to ignore their symptoms. “We want low-income and other marginalized people living in our community to have the skills…
Rudy Giuliani Puts Himself Up For Adoption
NEW YORK—In the wake of mounting legal troubles, including an indictment in Georgia on felony charges of tampering with the 2020 election, sources reported Friday that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani had put himself up for adoption. “Little Rudy needs someone to take care of him, and he has so much love to give!”…
Capitol Physician Medically Clears Mitch McConnell After Second Freezing Episode
A Capitol physician has reportedly cleared Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell to continue his schedule after he experienced an episode where he was unable to speak or move for the second time in as many months in public. What do you think?
Man Steps Out Of Comfort Zone By Flashing Penis In Crowded Restaurant
CINCINNATI—Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities, local man Stanley Fox reportedly stepped out of his comfort zone Friday by flashing his penis to diners at popular restaurant Harmon’s Dinette. “Certainly, I’m not the kind of guy who’d usually feel…
San Francisco Begins Initiative To Provide Affordable Housing To Electric Scooters
SAN FRANCISCO—Announcing more than $30 million in funding toward the project, San Francisco mayor London Breed reportedly rolled out a new initiative Friday to provide affordable housing to electric scooters. “It’s far past time we got these electric scooters off our streets and into homes where they can enjoy access…
Amateur Equestrian Still Has To Use Horse With Training Legs
GEORGETOWN, KY—Saying that he would get the hang of riding it eventually, an amateur equestrian was reportedly spotted Friday still having to use a horse with training legs. “Aw, poor guy, he looks so nervous up there,” said onlooker Justin Leeds, who added that with a little practice, the 35-year-old man could…
Well Filled To Brim With Trapped Kids
CLEVELAND HILL, NY—Onlookers told reporters on Friday that they were unsure how to proceed with rescue efforts into a local well that is filled to the brim with trapped kids. “There’s gotta be 30, 40 kids trapped in that well, wedged tightly together end to end and seemingly impossible to extract,” said local woman…
Conservatives Explain Why Women Should Have More Babies
As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a “baby bust.” The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they said.
Americans Explain Why Mitch McConnell Should Step Down
After a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.
Republicans Urge Americans To Look Away From McConnell Or Else They Too Shall Freeze
WASHINGTON—Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable to speak, Republicans warned Americans Thursday to look away from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lest they too should freeze. “Good people! Gaze not upon the senator’s visage or you may be struck dumb…
Twitter Lifts Years-Long Ban On Political Ads
Twitter announced that it’s lifting its years-long ban on political advertisements, enabling candidates to freely purchase ads again in the U.S. to build on their “commitment to free expression.” What do you think?
‘Golden Bachelor’ Reveals Senior Women Competing To Be Dumped For 35-Year-Old After Taping
AGOURA HILLS, CA—Providing the first look at the new reality TV spin-off, the producers behind The Golden Bachelor revealed Wednesday the senior women who would be competing to be dumped for a 35-year-old after the series. “We’re so pleased to introduce to you the 22 beautiful, exuberant ladies who will be vying for a…
Tim Scott Beckons To Campaign Rally Attendee He Wants To Bring Backstage To Fuck
GREENVILLE, SC—Amid raucous, uproarious applause at the end of a stump speech, presidential hopeful Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) was seen Thursday beckoning to a campaign rally attendee whom he wanted to bring backstage to fuck. “Why don’t you come on over to my campaign bus so I can tell you about this candidate and all his…
Biden Warns Zelensky If He Can’t Win War, U.S. Will Overthrow Him With Someone Who Will
WASHINGTON—Telling his counterpart that he was losing patience with the stalled counteroffensive, President Joe Biden reportedly warned Volodymyr Zelensky Thursday that if the Ukrainian president couldn’t win the war against Russia, the United States would overthrow him and replace him with someone who would. “Our…
Couple Turns To IVF After Struggling To Have Octuplets
RICHMOND, VA—Visiting a fertility clinic in the hopes of finally having the family they always wanted, local couple Tim and Caroline Stauber told reporters Thursday they had turned to in vitro fertilization after struggling to have octuplets. “We’ve tried for years with no success, so at this point, our best chance…
Conservationists Confirm Only Remaining Species Are Humans, Pigeons, Dandelions
Search Party Acting Like They Can’t Spare 3 Minutes To Watch Funny Video
CRESTONE, CO—Overreacting to the mere suggestion that a brief moment of levity might be just what the grim situation called for, a search party assembled to find a missing 7-year-old reportedly acted like they couldn’t spare three minutes Thursday to watch a funny video. “Look, this video isn’t that long, and it’s…
9/11 Truther Questions Why There Were 2 Huge Bull’s-Eyes Painted On Side Of Twin Towers
NEW YORK—Saying he hated to split hairs about such a tragic event, 9/11 truther Ethan Guske nonetheless questioned Thursday why there had been two huge bull’s-eyes painted on the side of the Twin Towers. “Look, I get that this is a hot-button issue, but I’d just like someone to answer how or why there was a pair…