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Updated: 12 hours 46 min ago

Timeline Of Trump Administration’s Response To Coronavirus

Wed, 2020-03-18 09:40

As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to counter the economic costs of the coronavirus’ spread, the spotlight is on President Donald Trump and his administration, which has been criticized for its crisis response. The Onion looks at the timeline of the Trump…

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Universal Pictures Makes Movies Currently In Theaters Available For Home Viewing Following Coronavirus Concerns

Tue, 2020-03-17 18:07

NBCUniversal announced that several films currently in theaters, including Invisible Man and Emma, will be available for rent online, and Trolls World Tour, which was set to come out Easter weekend, will be available on-demand March 10th. What do you think?

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Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

Tue, 2020-03-17 17:38

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be…

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Kansas Basketball Devastated They Won’t Get Opportunity To Vacate National Championship

Tue, 2020-03-17 17:29

LAWRENCE, KS—Lamenting the NCAA’s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns, representatives from the Kansas men’s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship. “It really sucks we won’t have the chance to lift that…

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Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough

Tue, 2020-03-17 17:20

The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.

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Nation’s 108 Million Service Industry Workers Assure Public That Job Is Just Way To Stay Busy After Winning Lottery Years Ago

Tue, 2020-03-17 17:16

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they’d be “just fine” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector, the nation’s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago. “Listen, we just do this to stay grounded…

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Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?

Tue, 2020-03-17 16:39

“Place rice in cooking bowl and add liquid to appropriate line marking.” Who said it?

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Americans Mark St. Patrick’s Day

Tue, 2020-03-17 14:26

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, though many Americans will not celebrate with the usual parades, bar crawls and get-togethers as nonessential business grinds to a halt in an effort to curb the transmission of Covid-19. How are you celebrating?

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Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands Next To His Husky Son Playing A Nintendo DS

Tue, 2020-03-17 11:30

Awesome news, sports gamers! It’s time for the latest installment in SIE San Diego Studio’s baseball series that is beloved for its attention to detail, and this one looks like a real doozy! A recent announcement from developers revealed that every baseball game in the upcoming MLB The Show 20 will feature a…

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2 Live Cruise

Tue, 2020-03-17 11:00
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Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

Tue, 2020-03-17 09:52

WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, the United States Congress announced Tuesday that they would be allocating $2 trillion in order to bail out the struggling bailout industry. “The bailout industry is on the brink of…

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Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway

Mon, 2020-03-16 16:46

WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway. “I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job,…

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Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death

Mon, 2020-03-16 15:47

CHICAGO—In an effort to appear calm Monday in the face of widespread Covid-19 outbreaks, area woman Ellen Garcia sought to initiate a casual conversation in a long line at her local supermarket as though she were not, at that very moment, desperately attempting to escape the icy clutches of death. “This whole thing’s…

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Americans Urged To Help ‘Flatten The Curve’ Of Covid-19 Pandemic

Mon, 2020-03-16 15:28

As schools, stores, and restaurants close their doors and companies push to have employees work from home, Americans are being asked to socially distance themselves to stop the exponential spread of coronavirus. What are you doing to help #FlattenTheCurve?

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Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

Mon, 2020-03-16 15:21

The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.

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Biden, Sanders Go Head-To-Head In Debate

Mon, 2020-03-16 14:20

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders took the stage last night in the first one-on-one debate of the Democratic presidential primary, though due to coronavirus concerns there was no live audience and the podiums were kept six feet apart. What do you think?

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Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining

Mon, 2020-03-16 14:17

NEW YORK—Committing to do everything in their power to help fight the spread of Covid-19, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced Monday they were pouring all their resources into developing a new hyper-depressant pill to help Americans ease the transition into self-quarantining. “We are actively mobilizing our top…

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