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Baffled DNC Plant Roy Moore Not Sure What Else He Could Have Done To Defame Republican Party

Tue, 2017-12-12 18:51

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Scanning his mind for any minority groups he could have demonized more forcefully, Alabama Senate candidate and secret Democratic operative Roy Moore admitted Tuesday that he wasn’t sure what else he could have done to destroy the Republican Party’s reputation. “When Nancy [Pelosi] sent me here, I was…

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North Korea Claims Kim Jong-Un Can Control The Weather

Tue, 2017-12-12 18:02

North Korean state media claimed that Kim Jong-Un has the power to control the country’s weather after a blizzard temporarily stopped during his visit to the summit of Mt. Paektu. What do you think?

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Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women

Tue, 2017-12-12 15:09

WASHINGTON—In response to the 15 individuals who have come forward alleging sexual misconduct by the president, Donald Trump reportedly dismissed his accusers Tuesday as women. “Anyone can see that these disgraceful and false allegations are clearly coming from total, utter women,” said Trump, adding that those…

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Report: More Elderly Improving Cognitive Function By Solving Murders

Tue, 2017-12-12 13:57

CLEVELAND—Saying the activity was proving highly effective at halting mental deterioration, a new report released Tuesday by the Cleveland Clinic found that a growing number of elderly Americans are improving their cognitive functioning by solving simple murders each day. “We’ve long known that it’s important to keep…

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After The Election, We All Had To Change The Way We Approached Magic

Tue, 2017-12-12 12:19

The election on Nov. 8, 2016, served as a wake-up call to those in my profession. All through the campaign, we illusionists had continued to dazzle people with feats of magic and mystery, assuming that a man who openly mocked so many cherished American values would never become president. But he did. And we quickly…

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Unpatriotic Man Does Not Maintain Erection During National Anthem

Tue, 2017-12-12 10:41

PHILADELPHIA—Brazenly demonstrating his near-traitorous contempt for his country, unpatriotic man Douglas Harlow on Tuesday reportedly failed to maintain an erection for the duration of the National Anthem. “Sorry, but he doesn’t deserve to call himself an American if he won’t keep his hard-on going for the entire…

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Pope Francis Suggests Changing Words To ‘Lord's Prayer’

Tue, 2017-12-12 10:32

In a recent interview, Pope Francis suggested changing the words to the Lord’s Prayer in Italian and English, saying that the phrase “lead us not into temptation” incorrectly suggests that God tempts humans to do evil. What do you think?

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Christmas By The Numbers

Mon, 2017-12-11 18:42
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Man Can’t Wait To Find Out If Millennium Falcon Gets Out Of That Tunnel

Mon, 2017-12-11 17:29

ALLENTOWN, PA—Expressing his excitement while watching the latest Star Wars: The Last Jedi trailer, local man Tim Abrams told reporters Monday that he couldn’t wait to find out if the Millennium Falcon gets out of that tunnel. “It would be such a bummer if it’s stuck in there for the whole movie,” said Abrams, who was…

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Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way

Mon, 2017-12-11 17:23

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Bursting through the glowing space-time portal backstage just before the first debate of the 2016 presidential election, a frantic time-traveling Hillary Clinton reportedly warned her past self to do everything in the exact same way. “Listen very carefully because we don’t have much time: Make sure you…

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Dictionary.com Names 'Complicit' As Word Of The Year

Mon, 2017-12-11 17:05

Dictionary.com has named “complicit” as the word of the year, citing a massive spikes in searches for the word after Ivanka Trump used this word in a CBS This Morning interview. What do you think?

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MTA Officials Assure New Yorkers That Today’s Subway Will Run Just As Fucked Up As Normal

Mon, 2017-12-11 15:12

NEW YORK—In response to the pipe bomb explosion this morning at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, Metropolitan Transit Authority officials assured New Yorkers Monday that today’s subway will run just as fucked up as normal. “The MTA anticipates no changes to the regular amount of severe overcrowding and pain-in-the-ass…

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