The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 5 hours 6 min ago

Elderly Poll Watcher Doing Slow, Confused Job Of Intimidating Voters

Tue, 2022-11-08 13:09

LEAGUE CITY, TX—Noting that the clearly flustered man had zero idea what to do or say, local voter Raleigh Jenkins told reporters Tuesday that the elderly poll watcher he encountered was doing a slow, confused job of intimidating voters. “This morning, what should have been a very fast process took forever because the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Stressed-Out Woman Treats Herself To Additional $400 Of Credit Card Debt

Tue, 2022-11-08 09:09

NEW YORK—Responding to the number of irritations and annoyances she had experienced in the past week, stressed-out woman Ashley Fitton told reporters Tuesday she was treating herself to an additional $400 of credit card debt. “I had a really hard past few days, so I deserve to take some time out for myself to destroy…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Scientists Discover Fluffy Planet With Density Of A Marshmallow

Tue, 2022-11-08 08:30

Astronomers in Arizona discovered a Jupiter-sized planet they think has a density similar to that of a marshmallow, the exoplanet calculated to be about 17 grams per cubic feet and light enough to float in a bathtub of water. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nursing Home CEO Afraid He’ll End Up In One Of Those Places He Owns

Tue, 2022-11-08 08:15

KENNETT SQUARE, PA—Confessing concerns about what would happen if one day, in his old age, he became unable to care for himself, nursing home CEO Robert Gallegro told reporters Tuesday he was afraid to end up in one of those places he owns. “I hope my kids never put me into a degrading, isolating facility like the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Most Brilliant Ways Elon Musk Plans To Make Twitter Profitable

Tue, 2022-11-08 08:00

Elon Musk may have taken on $13 billion in debt to buy Twitter, but with his unparalleled brilliance, he’ll earn it back in no time. Here are the most genius ways Elon Musk will make the social media platform profitable.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Armed Conservative Monitoring Polling Site Disappointed How Few People Vote In Midterms

Tue, 2022-11-08 07:30

KEENE, NH—Sighing as he checked his watch again, an armed conservative man monitoring a local polling place Tuesday expressed disappointment over how few people vote in midterm elections. “I had hoped a lot more voters would turn out for me to intimidate, but I guess some folks can’t even be bothered to show up and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Kidnapper Not About To Wake Up At 5 A.M. To Abduct Jogging Woman

Tue, 2022-11-08 07:15

GARDEN CITY, ID—Scoffing at the utterly ridiculous thought that he’d ever be that much of a morning person, local kidnapper Stanley Deacon told reporters Tuesday that he was not about to wake up at 5 a.m. to abduct a jogging woman. “Oh hell no—as much as I’d love to be up bright and early to find a woman running…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Obama Claims He’s Still President After Seeing How Susceptible Voters Are To Conspiracy Theories

Tue, 2022-11-08 07:00

WASHINGTON—Shortly after seeing a poll showing 40% of Americans are still convinced the 2020 election was stolen, Barack Obama announced plans Tuesday to take advantage of widespread belief in conspiracy theories by claiming that he was still president. “Look, if this country is seriously at a place where I can…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Raphael Warnock Surges In Polls After Taking Off Glasses

Mon, 2022-11-07 16:55

ATLANTA—Pulling ahead of Republican challenger Herschel Walker by nearly 60 percentage points, Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) reportedly surged in the polls Monday after taking off his eyeglasses. “The majority of Georgia voters we surveyed were absolutely shocked, stating, ‘Him? That’s him? You’re telling me that Adonis…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Elon Musk Touts Project To Teach Neuralink Monkeys To Commit Sexual Harassment

Mon, 2022-11-07 16:30

SAN FRANCISCO—In a long-awaited product update from the startup that has developed brain-machine interfaces so rhesus macaques can play video games with their minds, Elon Musk revealed a new project Monday that would teach monkeys outfitted with Neuralink chips to sexually harass their coworkers. “Using…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Astros Win First World Series Since Cheating Scandal

Mon, 2022-11-07 15:09

The Houston Astros defeated the Philadelphia Phillies to claim the franchise’s second World Series title, three years after the team’s sign-stealing cheating scandal that made them the most hated team in the MLB. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bullied Loner Plans Office Shooting

Mon, 2022-11-07 14:41
Categories: The Onion

Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately

Mon, 2022-11-07 09:12

The Onion examines what the GOP will do without delay if a red wave in the midterms puts Republicans in control of Congress.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study Finds 100% Of Relationships Last Forever

Mon, 2022-11-07 08:15

STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the unbreakable power of love, a new study published Monday by researchers at Stanford University found that 100% of relationships last forever. “We conducted a double-blind study of more than 10,000 relationships over a period of eight decades and discovered that all 10,000 of the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Usain Bolt Recalls Discovering Talent For Running Through Corporate Wellness Challenge

Mon, 2022-11-07 08:00

KINGSTON, JAMAICA—Crediting the workplace competition with changing the entire course of his life, eight-time Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt recalled Monday how he first discovered his talent for running through a corporate wellness challenge at his first job. “I never even liked working out until I got an email…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Centrist Advocates Moderate Approach To Genocide

Mon, 2022-11-07 07:45

COLUMBUS, OH—Claiming there were arguments to be made on both sides of the race extermination debate, local centrist Ken Dunning advocated Monday for a more moderate approach to genocide. “We’ve really let ideology cloud our views on ethnic cleansing, and if people could just put aside the extreme, polarizing rhetoric…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Regular Been Coming To Local Diner Long Enough To Know All The Forks By Name

Mon, 2022-11-07 07:30

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Watching him settle into his favorite corner booth for a late breakfast, sources reported Monday that local regular Dale Jenkins has been coming to Miss America Diner long enough to know all the different forks by name. “Lenny, Frank, Alice—how the hell are ya?” the man said to three of the diner’s…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion