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Mueller Tells Trump He’s Not Under Criminal Investigation

Thu, 2018-04-05 16:35

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told President Trump that he is a subject—but not a criminal target—in the ongoing Russia investigation, though experts say this may be a ploy to lull the president into a false sense of security. What do you think?

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Black Father Gives Son The Talk About Holding Literally Any Object

Thu, 2018-04-05 15:54

NORRISTOWN, PA—Deciding his firstborn was old enough to learn about the cultural dangers of having things in his hands, African American dad Aaron Mitchell pulled his son aside Thursday to have “the talk” about holding literally any object. “Listen, son, it’s time you learned how to conduct yourself in public. It may…

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Report: This Not A Gun

Thu, 2018-04-05 14:41

NEW YORK—In a discovery that flies in the face of conventional law enforcement wisdom of what does and does not constitute a deadly firearm, weapons and non-weapons experts alike reported Thursday that an array of objects including but not limited to steel pipes, wallets, and cell phones are not, in fact, guns. “After…

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Cows Go Extinct

Thu, 2018-04-05 13:14

WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service confirmed Thursday that cows have gone extinct.

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Fuming Rachel Maddow Spends Entire Show Just Pointing Wildly At Picture Of Putin

Thu, 2018-04-05 12:55

NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as…

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ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics

Thu, 2018-04-05 12:38

FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people. “He must not understand…

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Who Has The Best Dick In Baseball?

Thu, 2018-04-05 12:02
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How Trade Wars Work

Thu, 2018-04-05 10:52

In response to President Trump imposing tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, China implemented reciprocal tariffs on over 100 American-made goods, igniting fears of a trade war. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide of how trade wars begin, escalate, and affect economies.

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Gynecologists Recommend Taking Time Off Between IUDs To Allow Body To Expel Backlogged Periods

Thu, 2018-04-05 10:50

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday taking time off between IUDs to allow the body to expel backlogged periods. “We advise that before inserting a new Mirena or Liletta, a woman should give her body a break to flush out the months upon…

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Study Reveals 93% Of Americans Don’t Know Their Congressperson Truly, Utterly, The Way Only Two Souls Entwined Can

Thu, 2018-04-05 10:46

STANFORD, CA—Saying representatives and senators alike must find time to usher their constituents out of their lonely, dark isolation with the guiding light of an elected official’s love, a study released Thursday by Stanford University revealed that 93 percent of Americans don’t truly know their congressperson, not…

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A’s Unveil Groundbreaking New Tarp Renovation For Oakland Coliseum

Thu, 2018-04-05 10:44

OAKLAND, CA—Describing the massive, water-resistant sheet as a “major step forward” in the stadium’s rain deferral technology, the Oakland Athletics unveiled a groundbreaking new tarp renovation Thursday for the Oakland Coliseum. “This state-of-the-art tarp is going to bring the A’s ground maintenance capabilities…

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Japanese TV Station Launches First-Ever Android News Anchor

Thu, 2018-04-05 10:40

Japanese broadcaster Nippon has launched a news-broadcasting android named Erica Aoi to deliver the news using an advanced artificial speech system on several daily shows, telling reporters in a press conference that she is so realistic that she “appears to have a soul.” What do you think?

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Woman Who Choked To Death Alone In Apartment Kicked Out Of Book Club For Missing Last 2 Meetings

Thu, 2018-04-05 10:38

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two…

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Reddit Announces Redesign

Wed, 2018-04-04 15:44

Reddit has rolled out its first major redesign in nearly a decade, giving its 230 million users a chance to access the website in a way designers hope is simpler and more accessible, without “altering the scaffolding” that has made it popular. What do you think?

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MLK’s Family Urges Nation To Spend Anniversary Of His Death Twisting His Words To Fit Own Political Agendas

Wed, 2018-04-04 15:26

ATLANTA—Calling on Americans to misinterpret absolutely everything the martyred activist stood for, the family of Martin Luther King Jr. urged the nation Wednesday to spend the 50th anniversary of his death twisting the civil rights icon’s words to advance their own individual agendas. “It is my sincerest hope that…

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Authorities Fear YouTube Shooter Might Inspire Wave Of Copycat Content Creators

Wed, 2018-04-04 15:05

SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim Aghdam, law enforcement authorities released a statement today addressing fears that the YouTube shooter may inspire a wave of copycat content creators. “As guardians of public safety, we can’t help…

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‘Roseanne’ Taping Repeatedly Interrupted By Reporters Trying To Interview Members Of White Working Class

Wed, 2018-04-04 14:13

LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…

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Bum Steer

Wed, 2018-04-04 13:23
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Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch

Wed, 2018-04-04 13:08

LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…

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