The Onion

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Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely Clementines

Fri, 2018-08-03 15:26

PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a…

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Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 Stabbing

Fri, 2018-08-03 14:08

VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…

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Aloha! ClickHole’s Treasure Is On Vacation In Hawaii

Fri, 2018-08-03 13:23

You might have noticed that ClickHole’s treasure is gone, but have no fear. Our precious gold and jewels have not been stolen. You’ll be happy to know that ClickHole’s glorious treasure is enjoying a weeklong vacation in beautiful Hawaii.

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Steve Buscemi To Make Surprise Guest Appearance In This Article

Fri, 2018-08-03 13:09

CHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and The Big Lebowski, sources confirmed Friday that a very special guest was rumored to appear later on in this article. This will reportedly mark the Hollywood legend’s first-ever foray into this paragraph,…

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White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes

Fri, 2018-08-03 12:36

WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her controversial and adversarial remarks regarding the media, press corps reporters united Friday to warn Sarah Huckabee Sanders that her veiled accusations and outright untruths were doing deep, untold harm…

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Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial

Fri, 2018-08-03 12:00

ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war criminal Abilio Macanga was called to act as a character witness Friday in the Paul Manafort fraud trial. “Paul is a savvy businessman, an upstanding member of his community, and, above all else, one of my…

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Senate Bill Would Require Census To Ask About Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity

Fri, 2018-08-03 11:50

Democrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure the government gathers more robust data about LGBTQ individuals. What do you think? 

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The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’

Fri, 2018-08-03 11:31

The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Fortnite.

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‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People

Thu, 2018-08-02 18:31

In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely…

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Court Says Monkey Cannot Hold Rights To Own Selfie

Thu, 2018-08-02 18:12

The Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi macaque who took a viral selfie, cannot sue for the copyright to its own photo. What do you think?

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Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’

Thu, 2018-08-02 16:55

VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…

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Ivanka Trump Distraught After Learning Detained Migrant Children Completely Without Sewing Machines

Thu, 2018-08-02 14:48

WASHINGTON––While being briefed on the inhumane, unsanitary, often abusive conditions in facilities housing more than 700 immigrant children who have been separated from their families for months on end, White House advisor and first daughter Ivanka Trump was distraught to learn Thursday that none of the detainees…

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Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns

Thu, 2018-08-02 14:05

PAWTUCKET, RI—In a move designed to capitalize on the company’s successful five-decade legacy of quality foam weaponry, representatives from Hasbro armaments subsidiary Nerf announced Thursday that they would be diversifying their line of dart, disc, and ball launchers to include actual firearms. “We cannot emphasize…

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Ohio State Puts Urban Meyer On Paid Secret Coaching Leave

Thu, 2018-08-02 13:24

COLUMBUS, OH—Following allegations that the school’s head football coach knew about domestic abuse accusations made against a former assistant in 2015 and then lied that he didn’t, Ohio State University officials reportedly announced Thursday that Urban Meyer had been put on paid secret coaching leave. “We’re taking…

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Israel Passes Law Cementing Itself As Exclusive Nation-State Of Benjamin Netanyahu

Thu, 2018-08-02 13:06

JERUSALEM—In what is being regarded internationally as a powerful declaration of national purpose, Israel passed a binding resolution Thursday cementing itself as the exclusive nation-state of Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel was created by and for Benjamin Netanyahu, and as a homeland for the Netanyahuan people,” said…

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