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If Deadpool Really Is That Rebellious And Cool, Marvel Won’t Mind Us Using Him In This Unlicensed T-Shirt We’re Selling In Our Store

Mon, 2018-06-11 11:35

Everyone loves how laid-back comic book bad boy Deadpool is, with his witty irreverence and cool disregard for social conventions delighting audiences around the world. ClickHole wants to cash in on all that goodwill, which is why we’re now taking preorders for a completely unlicensed Deadpool shirt even though we…

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Resistance Setback: It’s Clear From Robert Mueller’s Investigation That He Thinks Donald Trump And Donald Drumpf Are Two Separate People

Mon, 2018-06-11 10:40

Terrible news, members of the #Resistance: Robert Mueller’s latest moves imply that he thinks Donald Trump and Donald Drumpf are two separate people.

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Justify, Bravazo Get Into Skirmish During Belmont Stakes Weigh-In

Sat, 2018-06-09 15:45

ELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage. “As soon as they hit the scales, the horses were in each others’ faces snorting, stomping, and…

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Assistant Always Follows Warner Bros. CEO With Suitcase Containing Codes To Authorize ‘Collateral Beauty 2’

Fri, 2018-06-08 15:17

LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I…

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Curiosity Rover Finds 5 Bucks On Mars

Fri, 2018-06-08 14:25

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim…

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Pilot Informs Passengers They Will Be Rerouting To Avoid Scary Cloud That Looks Like Shark

Fri, 2018-06-08 13:52

TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform…

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Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students

Fri, 2018-06-08 13:47

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday…

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Genealogists Find 99% Of People Not Related To Anyone Cool

Fri, 2018-06-08 12:46

AUSTIN, TX—In a breakthrough finding that could reshape the understanding of human ancestry, genealogists from the Federation of Genealogical Societies published a study Friday revealing that 99 percent of people are not related to anyone cool. “According to data compiled from hundreds of research institutions…

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Incredible: Bethesda Revealed That ‘Fallout 76’ Will Show What Earth Would Be Like If The Arizona Diamondbacks Hadn’t Won The 2001 World Series

Fri, 2018-06-08 11:35

There’s a lot of mystery surrounding Bethesda’s newly announced game Fallout 76, but we now have one crucial piece of information about the hotly anticipated title. The game will be set in an alternate history where we get to see what the world would look like if the Arizona Diamondbacks did not win the 2001 World…

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Everyone In Pride Parade Straight

Fri, 2018-06-08 11:29
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Report Finds Cancer Deaths Down Overall

Fri, 2018-06-08 10:48

A joint CDC-ACS report released this week found that total deaths from cancer dropped significantly between 1999 and 2015, falling by 1.5 percent among women and 2 percent among men due to better treatment and screening. What do you think? 

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Cavs Hoping To Avoid Game 4

Thu, 2018-06-07 15:21

CLEVELAND—Frustrated after a string of demoralizing losses to their perennial championship rivals the Golden State Warriors, Cleveland Cavaliers players said in a press conference Thursday that they were hoping to avoid Game 4 of the NBA Finals. “We have to do a much better job of protecting our home court, so we…

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Trump Mulling Possible Pardon Of Martha Stewart

Thu, 2018-06-07 15:13

President Trump suggested he may commute the sentence of businesswoman Martha Stewart, who was charged with crimes related to insider trading, telling reporters she was “to a certain extent [...] harshly and unfairly treated.” What do you think?

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Giuliani Says Kim Jong-Un Begged Like A Has-Been-Politician-Turned-Hack-Attorney Trying To Get A Job At The White House

Thu, 2018-06-07 14:03

NEW YORK—Describing the pathetic manner in which the North Korean dictator debased himself while pleading for a meeting with President Trump, Rudy Giuliani claimed Thursday that Kim Jong-un begged like a has-been-politician-turned-hack-attorney trying to get a job at the White House. “He groveled like a washed-up…

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