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Updated: 9 hours 49 min ago

2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months

Wed, 2020-06-17 08:54

The 93rd Academy Awards, originally scheduled for February 2021, will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more time to create and release their movies in the wake of the pandemic. What do you think?

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Entire Oklahoma State Team To Boycott Season After Mike Gundy Seen In NCAA Shirt

Tue, 2020-06-16 16:34

STILLWATER, OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization, the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt. “The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of…

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Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Nonstop Classic Rock Blocks

Tue, 2020-06-16 15:07

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Expressing excitement over what could be a landmark discovery in the search for extraterrestrial life, scientists at the SETI Institute announced Tuesday they had received a mysterious radio transmission from space that repeats 50-minute intervals of nonstop classic rock blocks. “We detected a signal…

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42-Year-Old Man Still Unsure What His Interests Are

Tue, 2020-06-16 14:18

LAWRENCE, KS—Racking his brain for anything that he liked or an activity that could be considered a hobby, local 42-year-old man Dennis Ferraro told reporters Tuesday that he was still unsure what his interests are. “I have a dog, but I don’t think that counts as an interest, per se,” said a befuddled Ferraro, adding…

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Supreme Court Rules Federal Law Protects LGBT Workers

Tue, 2020-06-16 13:45

The Supreme Court voted 6-to-3 in a landmark ruling on Monday that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, which bars discrimination based on sex, extends to include gender identity and sexual orientation. What do you think?

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‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Babbling Creek

Tue, 2020-06-16 12:42

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Holding the microphone up to the brook while trying to capture the perfect snippet of running water, Glenn Duncan, a perfectionist ambient sound producer, reportedly demanded another take from a babbling creek Tuesday, screaming at the body of water to be “More tranquil, dammit!” “Jesus fucking…

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Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man

Tue, 2020-06-16 12:06

SEATTLE—Feeling disheartened by the fact that the sum of his wealth could still be quantified in a comprehensible manner, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly became depressed Tuesday after realizing that his net worth was still just a number known to man. “Man, it really bums me out knowing that the amount of money I…

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NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint

Tue, 2020-06-16 10:19

Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.

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Passing Lane

Tue, 2020-06-16 10:16
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Fantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy

Tue, 2020-06-16 08:42

BOCA RATON, FL—Closely following the negotiations between the players union and owners to be ready for any possible scenario, fantasy baseball league commissioner James Gagne admitted Tuesday that he knows his handling of the coronavirus pandemic will forever define his legacy. “This is the greatest challenge I’ve…

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Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front Of Everybody

Tue, 2020-06-16 08:40

NEW YORK—Harkening back to all those times she used to strongly imply you were fat, Weight Watchers debuted a new television advertisement Tuesday that asks if you recall Grandma saying “My, someone got heavy!” in front of the whole family. “Remember when you arrived home for Thanksgiving and, as soon as she saw you,…

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Melania Trump Renegotiated Prenup Before Moving Into White House

Tue, 2020-06-16 08:31

According to a forthcoming book, the first lady refused to move into the White House until her prenuptial agreement was renegotiated to include a proper inheritance and dual Slovenian-American citizenship for her son Barron, so he could one day work for the Trump Organization in Europe. What do you think?

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The Biggest Titles Announced At The PS5 Game Lineup Event

Mon, 2020-06-15 17:09

Lo and behold, gamers! With the announcement of the Playstation 5’s launch lineup late last week, the next generation is finally upon us. Here are some of the titles we’re most excited to get our hands on to really get a taste of the promised revolution in mind-melting graphics, pulse-pounding gameplay, and all-out…

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‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works

Mon, 2020-06-15 16:09

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources, a head-scratching nation asked, “So, it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work. “It just doesn’t seem like making…

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36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5

Mon, 2020-06-15 14:47

SACRAMENTO—Admitting that he needed to operate within a strict budget if he was ever going to afford such a purchase, 36-year-old Brandon Miller reportedly began outlining a savings plan Monday for a Sony PS5 console. “Let’s see, it looks like I’ll have to set aside—ouch—about $15 extra every paycheck,” said Miller,…

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Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States

Mon, 2020-06-15 14:18

New analysis shows that 21 states have experienced a jump in the number of coronavirus infections compared to two weeks ago, which health experts say is tied both to increased testing and the lifting of stay-at-home orders. What do you think?

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Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff

Mon, 2020-06-15 11:47

PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are…

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