The Onion

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Updated: 46 min 34 sec ago

New Absolut Ad Features Swaying Mom With One Eye Closed Telling Camera She Used To Dance

Wed, 2023-03-01 09:06

STOCKHOLM—With sales of the spirit reportedly tripling after the commercial was broadcast in the United States, Swedish vodka brand Absolut debuted a new ad Wednesday that features a mom swaying back and forth with one eye closed as she tells the camera how she used to dance. “Your mom was quite the dancer, you know,”…

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‘Dilbert’ Comic Strip Dropped After Racist Rant By Creator Scott Adams

Wed, 2023-03-01 07:45

The company that distributes “Dilbert” has cut ties with creator Scott Adams after he made racist remarks about Black Americans in a YouTube video that led hundreds of newspapers across the country to drop the satirical cartoon. What do you think?

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Russian YouTuber With Pet Panther Struggling To Find Way To Stand Out On Site

Wed, 2023-03-01 07:30

TYUMEN, RUSSIA—Frustrated by the lack of interest in his content, Russian panther owner Grigory Polyansky told reporters Wednesday that he was struggling to find a way to make his YouTube channel stand out on the site. “I did a video where it meets a dog, I did a video where it meets a house cat, I did a video where…

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Los Angeles Warns Residents Not To Touch Poisoned Food Left Out To Deal With Homeless Infestation

Wed, 2023-03-01 07:15

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the traps were not intended for human consumption, Los Angeles officials warned residents Wednesday to not touch poisoned food left out to deal with the city’s homeless infestation. “For their own sake, we’re asking residents to avoid the poisoned bait left near dumpsters, encampments, and…

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Things To Never Say To Someone During A Bad Drug Trip

Wed, 2023-03-01 07:00

Using hallucinogens carries the serious risk of a bad trip, but a skilled guide can help talk down a friend or loved one before their feelings of paranoia or anxiety spin out of control. Here’s what not to say to a friend having a bad trip.

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12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé

Tue, 2023-02-28 15:00

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Expressing concern over the youngster’s suspiciously sparse work history and total lack of professional references, local factory manager Toby Walters asked a 12-year-old job applicant Tuesday to explain a 12-year employment gap on his résumé. “So, it says here, young man, that you haven’t had a job…

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Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives

Tue, 2023-02-28 14:50

WASHINGTON—Expressing deep skepticism about the constitutionality of such executive actions, members of the Supreme Court’s conservative majority raised questions during oral arguments Tuesday about whether the president was legally allowed to improve the lives of Americans. “Our founders, in their abundant wisdom,…

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Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor

Tue, 2023-02-28 14:00

DECATUR, GA—Decorated with hearts and smiley faces, a note from a Shein factory worker found Tuesday in local woman Amelia Benson’s order described how much the employee loves doing sweatshop labor for the fast-fashion company. “My job is great! You should order more clothes, because I love making them!” read the…

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FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them

Tue, 2023-02-28 08:15

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that it was important to always stay vigilant but not freak out about them or anything, the FBI released a list Tuesday of the 10 weirdest people who are actually harmless once you get to know them. “After countless hours of surveillance and research, we have determined that the following people…

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Report: We Can Tell You’ve Been Clicking On Other Websites

Tue, 2023-02-28 08:00

CHICAGO—In a comprehensive and damning assessment of where your good-for-nothing ass has been since the last time we saw you, a new report published Tuesday said that we can tell you’ve been clicking on other websites again.

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Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal

Tue, 2023-02-28 07:45

KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal. “While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems…

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Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth

Tue, 2023-02-28 07:30

Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet’s inner core, saying the newly discovered “innermost inner core” is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth’s magnetic field. What do you think?

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Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States

Tue, 2023-02-28 07:00

Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said.

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Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership

Tue, 2023-02-28 07:00

MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to understand, that’s just how things were done back in the day,”…

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Penguin To Publish ‘Classic’ Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash

Mon, 2023-02-27 16:26

Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl’s children’s novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day readers. What do you think?

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Cheap Nation Falling Apart

Mon, 2023-02-27 08:30

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of incidents that called the country’s infrastructure quality into question, multiple sources reportedly confirmed on Monday that the cheap nation is falling apart. “Pretty much everything in this country is coming apart at the seams,” said Tempe, AZ security guard Sean McGovney,…

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Dalai Lama Worried There’s Nothing More To Life Than Feeling Deep Connection With All Existence

Mon, 2023-02-27 08:15

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Letting out a sigh as he buried his head in his hands, the Dalai Lama reportedly was worried Monday that there was nothing more to life than feeling a deep connection with all existence. “Wait, so all there is to life is experiencing the full profundity of the interconnectedness of all things to…

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Mattel Confirms That Animated Version Of Barney Still Has Man Inside

Mon, 2023-02-27 08:00

EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look different than the Barney of your childhoods, Barney the big purple…

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