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Chris Pine Depressed By Realization He Could Probably Win Governorship Somewhere

Mon, 2018-10-01 13:07

LOS ANGELES—Taking a moment to reflect on his potential career trajectory, actor Chris Pine reportedly became depressed Monday by the sudden realization that he could probably win a governorship somewhere. “Oh God—I could just waltz into any state and win, and it’d be so easy,” said the star of several major films,…

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Voices Support For #MeToo

Mon, 2018-10-01 12:54

In the wake of the sexual assault allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spoke up in support of #MeToo, saying that “we will all be better off for it, men, women and children.” What do you think?

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Man Has Absolutely No Clue How Old Anyone He Knows Is

Mon, 2018-10-01 12:46

LEAVENWORTH, WA—After he was unable to come up with a precise age for any of the dozens of people in his life, sources confirmed Monday that local man Edward Warriner has absolutely no clue how old anyone he knows is. “My dad’s probably in his late 50s, so that means my mom has to be somewhere around there, too, but…

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Casual Christian Accepts Christ As His Lord But Not His Savior

Mon, 2018-10-01 12:38

CALHOUN, GA—Admitting that he certainly likes the son of God but “doesn’t exactly love the guy, per se,” self-described casual Christian Brian Neely disclosed Monday that he accepts Jesus Christ as his lord but not his savior. “Listen, I know Jesus is the King of Kings, but I’m pretty sure I can deliver my own soul…

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Bhutanese Man Can’t Believe Pharmacy Already Stocking Stuff For Lhabab Duchen

Mon, 2018-10-01 10:51

THIMPHU, BHUTAN—Noting that the season seemed to come earlier and earlier every year, local Bhutanese man Sangay Wangyel told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe his neighborhood pharmacy was already stocking stuff for Lhabab Duchen. “It’s still more than a month away and they’re already laying out the wooden…

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Lisa Murkowski Admits She Thought Being Alaskan Senator Would Just Mean Having To Deal With Bears And Shit

Fri, 2018-09-28 16:20

WASHINGTON—Somewhat taken aback by her pivotal role in Brett Kavanaugh’s potential confirmation to the Supreme Court, Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) confessed to reporters Friday that she initially believed being an Alaskan senator would mean nothing more complex than “having to deal with bears and shit.” “Oh, man, I tell you…

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Christine Blasey Ford Testifies On Sexual Assault Allegations Against Brett Kavanaugh

Fri, 2018-09-28 16:15

Christine Blasey Ford provided testimony to the U.S. Senate about her allegation that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her in 1982, saying she was “100 percent” certain of her claims. What do you think?

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Mark Judge Can’t Believe That Fucking Lightweight Kavanaugh Got ‘Boofing’ And ‘The Devil’s Triangle’ Wrong

Fri, 2018-09-28 15:20

BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the…

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Health Experts Urge Parents To Dramatically Reduce Childrens’ On-Screen Time

Fri, 2018-09-28 12:52

STANFORD, CA—Warning that the bright lights and flashy sets could have lasting effects on early brain development, health experts at Stanford University published a report Friday urging parents to dramatically reduce their children’s on-screen time. “Simply put, there is nothing worse for your child than allowing them…

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Lindsey Graham Dining Alone At Applebee’s Kind Of Wishes Protesters Would Come Heckle Him

Fri, 2018-09-28 12:46

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Admitting that it would be a nice change of pace to have some attention every now and then, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told reporters Friday that he sometimes wished he could be accosted by protesters as he ate his usual meal alone at his local Applebee’s. “I’m not asking for a crowd, but I wouldn’t…

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The Beatles Announces ‘The White Album’ 50th Anniversary Edition

Fri, 2018-09-28 12:40

The Beatles will release a deluxe reissue of The White Album on Nov. 9, featuring a remixed album, seven early acoustic demos, and many previously unreleased session takes. What do you think?

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The Case For And Against Getting Rid Of The Penny

Fri, 2018-09-28 10:41

The U.S. one-cent coin costs more money than its face value to produce, which has led to debate over whether it’s worth continuing to mint and keep in circulation. The Onion presents the case for and against getting rid of the penny.

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