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Updated: 17 hours 59 min ago

California Sets Goal Of 100% Clean Energy By 2045

Tue, 2018-11-20 15:00

Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill putting California on track for a goal of 100 percent clean energy and carbon neutrality by 2045. What do you think?

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Percentage Of Unvaccinated Children In U.S. Has Quadrupled Since 2001

Mon, 2018-11-19 18:18

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 1.3 percent of children born in 2017 did not receive any recommended vaccinations compared to 0.3 percent in 2001. What do you think?

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‘We Will Never Speak Of This Again,’ Says Trump To Mohammed Bin Salman As They Dump Khashoggi’s Body Into New Jersey River

Mon, 2018-11-19 17:34

DELANCO, NJ—Crouching on the river’s muddy banks as they carefully weighed down the journalist’s dismembered corpse with bricks, President Donald Trump informed Mohammed bin Salman Monday that they will never speak of this again as they dumped Jamal Khashoggi’s body into the Delaware River. “This never happened,…

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Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well

Mon, 2018-11-19 17:26

CHICAGO—In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,” top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains…

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Yankees Avoid Luxury Tax By Moving Franchise To Offshore Location

Mon, 2018-11-19 16:01

ISLAND HARBOR, ANGUILLA—In an effort to cut down on the crippling costs of their $190 million roster, the New York Yankees avoided Major League Baseball’s luxury tax this week by moving the franchise to an offshore location. “The Yankees have called New York home for 115 years, but unfortunately, moving the staff and…

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Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything

Mon, 2018-11-19 14:46

ELKINS PARK, PA—Saying that “the universe works in mysterious ways,” local woman Rebecca Ellis claimed Monday to be amazed at how she found the perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything. “Who would have thought I’d find the most perfect guy for me at almost the same instant I…

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MTA Reveals They Have No Idea Where Voices Speaking To Everyone On Subway Coming From

Mon, 2018-11-19 14:05

NEW YORK—Clarifying that none of their trains feature intercom systems, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority revealed Monday they have no clue where the disembodied voice speaking to everyone on the subway was originating. “The MTA has never at any point hired a speaker to tell passengers ‘Stand clear of the…

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Nation Admits Being So Coked-Out In ’80s They Have No Memory Of Reading ‘Cujo’

Mon, 2018-11-19 14:01

BANGOR, ME—Admitting that their decade-long overindulgence in recreational stimulants rendered their memories “pretty much a blur,” the American populace admitted Monday to being so coked-out during the 1980s that they had no recollection whatsoever of reading Stephen King’s best-selling horror novel Cujo. “I have an…

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Over The River And Void Of Goods

Mon, 2018-11-19 13:20
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‘Toy Story 4’ Teaser Released

Mon, 2018-11-19 12:38

Pixar has released a teaser trailer for their next highly-anticipated film in the Toy Story series, depicting Buzz Lightyear, Woody, and a new character, Forky. What do you think? 

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‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20

Fri, 2018-11-16 17:27

Nov. 18 marks 20 years since the debut of The Powerpuff Girls, the Craig McCracken–created cartoon that follows three kindergarten-aged girls with superpowers. The Onion looks back at the beloved show on its 20th anniversary.

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Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase

Fri, 2018-11-16 16:29

NEW YORK—Heralding the 2,200-year-old fired-clay container as a priceless addition to one of the world’s largest collections of same, the Metropolitan Museum of Art held a press conference Friday to announce the acquisition of yet another vase. “We’re more than thrilled to add one more intricately designed vase from…

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Hate Crimes Continue To Rise

Fri, 2018-11-16 16:01

An FBI report found that the number of reported hate crimes increased by 17 percent in 2017, with a notable 37 percent surge in anti-Jewish incidents. What do you think?

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