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Updated: 23 hours 47 min ago

Tinder To Introduce In-App Video Chat Feature

Mon, 2020-05-11 10:03

Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this year, though details on how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released. What do you think?

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Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World

Fri, 2020-05-08 16:48

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic, top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. “As today’s report from the Bureau of Labor…

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77% Of Laid-Off Workers Expect To Be Rehired By Employer In Future

Fri, 2020-05-08 15:46

In a poll conducted by the Washington Post, nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes, though analysts warn that up to 40% of jobs could be permanently lost. What do you think?

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Trump Names Donor As New Postmaster General

Fri, 2020-05-08 15:20

Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy, a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $360,000 to the president’s reelection fundraising committee since January, as the 75th chief executive officer of the United States Postal Service. What do you think?

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Most Common Panic-Buying Purchases During Coronavirus

Fri, 2020-05-08 14:31

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.

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Each Successive Comment On ‘Jack And Diane’ Music Video More Heartbreaking Than Last

Fri, 2020-05-08 14:07

NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip,…

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Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times

Fri, 2020-05-08 11:52

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.

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Watch What Happens When You Zoom In On This Bread

Fri, 2020-05-08 11:26

Well, would you look at that, a slice of bread. You see it everyday, but you probably don’t look very closely. Well, that’s about to change. Let’s zoom in a little bit.

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12 Sure Signs You Directed The 2006 Motion Picture ‘Babel’

Fri, 2020-05-08 11:18

After Babel debuted to acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival, critics compared it to your previous films Amores Perros and 21 Grams.

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Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World

Fri, 2020-05-08 10:30

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best. 

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‘Hey,’ Says Chloë Sevigny In Cool, Unaffected Greeting To Firstborn

Thu, 2020-05-07 16:04

NEW YORK—In a manner sources described as “effortlessly chill,” actress Chloë Sevigny reportedly said “Hey” Thursday in a cool, unaffected greeting to her firstborn child. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” said Sevigny, addressing her newborn son for the first time with mild interest as she glanced around the room. “New here?…

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NYPD Officer Hopes Black Teen Only Coughing Because He Just Choked Him

Thu, 2020-05-07 15:52

NEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction, NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a local black teen was only coughing because he had just been choking him. “Oh God, please let that be a barely clinging-to-life cough and not a dry cough,” said MacLeod, explaining…

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‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating Nest

Thu, 2020-05-07 14:47

NEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in…

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Rich College Student Trying To Find Shabbiest Angle In Parents’ Penthouse To Zoom Into Class From

Thu, 2020-05-07 14:40

SAN FRANCISCO—Searching the expansive property for a location that wouldn’t be too ostentatious, college student Maria Visone was attempting to find the shabbiest angle in her parents’ penthouse to Zoom into class from, sources confirmed Thursday. “Maybe I can kind of just point it against this corner and no one will…

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Scientists Study Llamas In Quest For Coronavirus Treatment

Thu, 2020-05-07 14:23

Researchers in Belgium are studying whether antibodies from llamas could help neutralize Covid-19 infections, noting that the animals produce proteins that have the ability to bind to the coronavirus’s spiky exterior. What do you think?

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God Cleans Cosmos After Discovering Universe Infested With Ants

Thu, 2020-05-07 14:16

THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle, the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos. “For crying out loud, they’re all…

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