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‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 16:05

Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?

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This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 15:29

As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This…

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Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 14:22

For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?

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Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 13:51

ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself…

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State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 13:45

NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!”…

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Categories: The Onion

Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 13:10

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…

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The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 11:42

After many years of faithfully serving the Lord in the priesthood, I’ve decided to relinquish my vows and leave the church. Touching the horrid mouths of these four grotesque parishioners while feeding them Communion wafers has simply left me too emotionally and spiritually traumatized to continue in my ministry. I’m

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Malta: One year after Daphne Caruana’s killing, impunity remains

LabourStart - Mon, 2018-10-15 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: IFJ

Iran: ITF denounces Iran’s threat of death penalty in truck strike

LabourStart - Mon, 2018-10-15 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: ITF

Turkey: Dozens killed during construction of new Istanbul airport, & hundreds arrested in protests

LabourStart - Mon, 2018-10-15 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: UNI Global Union

Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-15 15:25

NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of…

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Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-15 15:22

A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-15 15:08

LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just…

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Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-15 14:06

DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the…

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Categories: The Onion

Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-15 12:54

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.

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Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-15 12:38

Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.

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Categories: The Onion
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