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Greatest Moms In U.S. History

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 13:55

Love them or hate them, none of us would be the incompetent failures we are today without our moms. In honor of all our nation’s mothers, here are the greatest moms in U.S. history.

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Study: Greatest Indicator Of Stress Blowing Hair Off Face While Carrying Complicated Coffee Order For Boss Across Bustling City Streets

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 12:25

NEW YORK—According to a large-scale, comprehensive study published Friday in the Journal Of Cognitive Neuropsychology, blowing hair off one’s face while carrying a complicated coffee order for one’s boss across bustling city streets has been identified as the single greatest indicator of stress. “The act of…

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Potential Roe v. Wade Overturning: How Did We Get Here?

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 11:50

The leak of a draft opinion by Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to overturn the landmark Roe v. Wade case is giving rise to concerns that abortion could be banned in many U.S. states and is leading many Americans to wonder how the nation got to this point. The Onion looks at the major events and people that have…

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Graduation Audience Tears Up After Skeleton Shows Up To Accept Posthumous Degree

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 10:04

TUCSON, AZ—Moved by the emotion of the moment, the audience at the University of Arizona’s graduation ceremony reportedly teared up Friday after a skeleton showed up to receive his posthumous degree. “Wow, this is a truly beautiful sight to behold,” said spectator Catherine Talbot, who told reporters she was…

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Diminished James Harden Not Flopping With Same Agility

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 10:01

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to questions about his on-court struggles during his team’s playoff series against the Miami Heat, a diminished Philadelphia 76ers guard James Harden admitted Friday that he isn’t flopping with the same agility he used to. “After 13 seasons in the NBA, I’d be lying if I said I could pretend to…

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TurboTax To Pay $141 Million Fine For Steering Customers Away From Free Services

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 08:00

TurboTax owner Intuit agreed to pay $141 million to settle a claim from all 50 states and the District of Columbia that it deceived nearly 4.4 million Americans into paying for tax services that should have been free. What do you think?

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Aliens Making First Contact Excitedly Ask To Meet Princess Di

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 15:52

WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings, people of Earth, we come in peace, and wish nothing more than to meet our idol, the…

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Stanford University Receives $1.1 Billion For New Climate School

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 15:02

John Doerr, one of Silicon Valley’s most successful venture capitalists, is giving $1.1 billion to Stanford University to fund a school focused on climate change, claiming the study of climate and sustainability will be “the new computer science.” What do you think?

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‘What Is This For Again?’ Asks Madison Cawthorn Stripping Nude As Kevin McCarthy Holds Up Camcorder

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 14:40

WASHINGTON—Briefly pausing as he removed his shirt to request one more explanation for why he was doing this, a half-naked Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) reportedly asked Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) what all of this was for as the House minority leader held up a camcorder. “Wait, I’m sorry, Kevin, I know you must…

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Trigger Laws In 13 States To Automatically Detonate Abortion Clinics Moment Roe v. Wade Overturned

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 14:20

AUSTIN, TX—With a leaked Supreme Court opinion signaling the landmark ruling is poised to be struck down, trigger laws in 13 states are set to automatically detonate abortion clinics the moment Roe v. Wade is overturned, sources reported Thursday. “We have placed highly combustible charges in and around every…

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Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 13:30

NEW YORK—Saying the statement had immediately set her mind at ease, local woman Sarah Waldman expressed relief Thursday upon finding her husband in bed with a nude stranger and hearing that he could explain everything. “Oh thank god, I thought he might be cheating on me, but it seems like there’s a perfectly…

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A Week In The Life Of Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 12:50

Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson to provide a window into a typical week in their lives.

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Couple’s Wedding Website Has 18-Plus Section Where Guests Can Read Story Of First Hookup

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 12:40

NASHUA, NH—Offering of-age friends and family an opportunity to learn how their relationship began, the wedding website of engaged couple Marc Guerrero, 26, and Karina Rivlin, 27, includes an 18-plus section where guests can read the story of the pair’s first hookup, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s such a nice…

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Study Finds Dogs’ Personalities Have Little To Do With Breed

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 08:00

A study published in the journal Science found that many popular stereotypes about the behavior of dog breeds aren’t supported by science, concluding that every dog is an individual. What do you think?

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Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 08:00

Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.

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Kazakhstan: Free the worker activist Erzhan Elshibayev

LabourStart - Wed, 2022-05-04 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Central Asia Labour Rights Monitoring Mission
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