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Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 17:41

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,…

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Categories: The Onion

Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 17:27

JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both…

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Categories: The Onion

Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 16:48

Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing strong in the face of libelous criticism leveled at him from the media and world governments. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Lt Dan is retiring!!!

local1347.com Current Articles Feed - Thu, 2018-06-21 16:29
Categories: PFFM

Lt Dan is retiring!!!

local1347.com What's New Feed - Thu, 2018-06-21 16:29
Categories: PFFM

Report: Make It Stop 

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 16:28

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…

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Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 15:49

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes…

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Categories: The Onion

Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 15:06

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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Categories: The Onion

Immigrant Children Terrified At Ghastly Visage Of La Llorona In Detention Center

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 14:44

This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.

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Categories: The Onion

Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 13:48

MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a…

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Categories: The Onion

Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 12:28

PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…

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Categories: The Onion

Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 12:06

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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Categories: The Onion

Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 11:45

Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion
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