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Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-17 01:00

DINKELSBÜHL, GERMANIA—Stressing that he simply found the boorish displays to be beneath him in every respect, pretentious peasant Hans van Leden repeatedly insisted Friday that he never stoops to watching beheadings. “Frankly, I’ve always thought there was something a bit crass about frittering away your time in the…

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Categories: The Onion

Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-17 01:00

WINTANCAESTER, BRITANNIA—In response to the outcry that has followed the distribution of woodcuts showing one of its members posing next to a beheaded dragon, the Chivalric Order of St. George issued a statement Wednesday rebuking the notion that the creatures could go extinct if knights continue to hunt them. “In…

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Categories: The Onion

Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-17 01:00

ROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start intoning this soft,…

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Categories: The Onion

South Africa: Amcu vows to bring platinum industry to its knees

LabourStart - Thu, 2018-08-16 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Business Day

USA: Lockouts appear to be giving employers more clout as union strikes fade

LabourStart - Thu, 2018-08-16 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Boston Globe

NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It  

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 17:08

NBCUniversal plans to launch a streaming service that will incentivize viewers to watch shows with redeemable points and gift certificates. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Best Candidates for Working People, 2018: Rich Cordray

AFL-CIO Weblog - Thu, 2018-08-16 15:13
Best Candidates for Working People, 2018: Rich Cordray AFL-CIO

This November's elections are shaping up to be among the most consequential in recent U.S. history. Throughout the summer and fall, we are taking a look at the best candidates for working people. Today, we feature Ohio gubernatorial candidate Rich Cordray.

Here are some of the key reasons why Cordray is one of the best candidates for working people in 2018:

  • He has a record of fighting for working people. When he was attorney general of Ohio, he worked to recover more than $2 billion for teachers and retirees who were victims of fraud.
  • Cordray served as the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, which was created to protect families against corporate and Wall Street abuse. Under his leadership, financial institutions were forced to pay back nearly $12 billion to more than 30 million Americans.
  • While attorney general, he launched programs to help working families plan for their retirement goals.
  • Cordray is a proponent of Medicaid expansion.
  • His "Reduced Costs, Reliable Coverage" plan will increase transparency and accountability in the state's health care system.
  • Cordray’s infrastructure plan will repair roads and bridges and invest in public transportation, broadband and clean water projects. These investments also will create jobs.
  • His workforce development plan will ensure every Ohioan has the skills they need to support their families by strengthening two- and four-year college degree programs, vocational school, apprenticeships, certifications and other types of skills training.
  • To improve the economy for Ohio workers, he is focused on supporting homegrown small businesses as well as attracting out-of-state companies.
  • Cordray stands firmly against "right to work" laws.
  • As attorney general, he went after bad employers who routinely misclassified their workers. 

Learn more about Cordray at his website.

Kenneth Quinnell Thu, 08/16/2018 - 15:13

Tags: Elections 2018

MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 14:16

NEW YORK—Admitting that this week’s devastating quarterly earnings report necessitated tough decisions on the part of the company, MoviePass CEO Mitch Lowe announced plans Thursday to increase profitability by no longer mailing out $500 checks to subscribers every month. “While this decision is sure to be unpopular…

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Categories: The Onion

Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 14:03

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to…

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Categories: The Onion

Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 13:33

MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place…

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Categories: The Onion

Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 13:17

NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been…

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Categories: The Onion

Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 13:09

NEW YORK—Heeding the call of the Boston Globe to come together in the defense of journalistic integrity, Star Wars News Net joined hundreds of publications Thursday in condemning President Donald Trump’s attacks on the press. “The president could not be more wrong when he calls the free press an enemy of the people,…

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Categories: The Onion

Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 12:54

LOS ANGELES—Describing his character-oriented method acting process for the first time, Jason Momoa revealed Thursday how he prepared to play Aquaman by spending more than six months living as a useless dumbass. “It was, surprisingly, a lot of hard work being such an ineffective dipshit 24/7,” said Momoa, 39, adding…

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Categories: The Onion

Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 12:44
Categories: The Onion

Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-16 12:24

FORSYTH, IL—Characterizing the reclusive subterranean race of diminutive miners right off the bat as “possessed of a fiery demeanor most unpleasant” from its opening pages, fantasy novel The Mage’s Shadow was not holding back on its criticisms of dwarvish culture in the least, readers confirmed Thursday. “For a whole…

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Categories: The Onion

Building a Rapid-Response Network to Defend Immigrant Workers

Steward's Corner - Thu, 2018-08-16 11:39
Building a Rapid-Response Network to Defend Immigrant Workers August 16, 2018 / Dan DiMaggio and Pioneer Valley Workers Center Staff<? if(isset($entity->premium) and $entity->premium == 1) { echo "Print Only"; } ?>

As the Trump administration cracks down on undocumented immigrants, it’s urgent for worker centers and unions to organize to defend immigrant members.

In Western Massachusetts, the Pioneer Valley Workers Center has created a rapid-response network it calls “Sanctuary in the Streets” (SiS). The worker center, founded in 2014, organizes restaurant workers and farmworkers in the area. Worker committees set the network's priorities.

Categories: Labor Notes
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