Feed aggregator

Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 15:15

CLEVELAND—Taking a “wait-and-see” approach before becoming too emotionally invested in this year’s team, cautious Browns fan Murray Fields told reporters Friday that he wasn’t expecting the franchise to finish better than 13-3 this regular season. “I know some of my friends expect the Browns to have a great year, but…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘And Then There Were 23,’ Says Wayne Messam Crossing Out Hickenlooper Photo In Elaborate Grid Of Rivals

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 14:39

MIRAMAR, FL—Gazing intently at the elaborate grid of Democratic presidential candidates adorning his basement wall, Wayne Messam reportedly murmured, “And then there were twenty-three,” Friday after drawing a line through a photo of his rival John Hickenlooper. “Another foe vanquished, and another step taken toward…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

AFL-CIO International Affairs Committee's Response to Israel's Denial of Entry to Reps. Omar and Tlaib

AFL-CIO Weblog - Fri, 2019-08-16 14:38
AFL-CIO International Affairs Committee's Response to Israel's Denial of Entry to Reps. Omar and Tlaib

The AFL-CIO International Affairs Committee issued the following response to the government of Israel’s decision to deny entry to Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib:

As longtime supporters of Israel, and its General Federation of Labor, the Histadrut, we urge the government of Israel to reverse its decision to bar Reps. Ilhan Omar (Minn.) and Rashida Tlaib (Mich.) from entering Israel. We say this as close friends of our brothers and sisters in the Histadrut and the Israeli people.

While we strongly disagree with Reps. Omar’s and Tlaib’s positions on the Israeli–Palestinian conflict, and maintain our longstanding commitment to meaningful, direct negotiations between the Israelis and the Palestinians toward a viable two-state solution, we also feel that all members of the U.S. Congress should be able to visit Israel. Regardless of Omar’s and Tlaib’s political positions, they should not be forbidden from visiting Israel.

The AFL-CIO International Affairs Committee:

Christopher Shelton, CWA, Co-Chair
Stuart Appelbaum, RWDSU/UFCW, Co-Chair
Robert Martinez, IAM, Vice Chair
James Boland, BAC
Harold Daggett, ILA
Jennifer Dorning, DPE
Leo Gerard, USW
Lorretta Johnson, AFT
Gary Jones, UAW
Sara Nelson, AFA/CWA
Fred Redmond, USW
Paul Rinaldi, NATCA
Michael Sacco, SIU
Baldemar Velasquez, FLOC

Dennis Loney Fri, 08/16/2019 - 14:38

CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 12:46

Look like someone is hearing fan concerns! Polish game studio CD Projekt Red just told OGN that they’ve completely eliminated the need for crunch on their upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 by breeding a race of grotesque human-rat hybrids that can work as programmers for weeks on end without the need for sleep or food.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Israel Denies Visit To 2 Democrats

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 12:00

Israel decided to prohibit Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) from visiting Israel due to their support of the BDS movement, although it offered to open the West Bank to Tlaib for a strictly humanitarian visit to her grandmother, a visit that she turned down out of protest. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 11:53

ATLANTA—Wiping the sweat from his brow and drinking from a glass of water, naked, out-of-breath CDC director Robert Redfield announced at a press conference Friday that the nation’s fertility rate was no longer in decline. “I am happy to announce that after a slow, two-decade decline in American birth rates, our…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: Little League Pitchers Could Avoid Overtaxing Their Arms By, You Know, Getting Somebody Out

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 11:23

ATLANTA—Stressing that it was a simple solution to avoid long-term injuries, researchers from Emory Healthcare published a report Friday suggesting that Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out for a change. “We strongly recommend young pitchers avoid needless strain…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Weird Wedding Has Some Kind Of Religious Theme

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 11:13

GREENFIELD, MA—Citing the ornate icons adorning the walls and the strange chanting in an unfamiliar language, sources in attendance Friday at the wedding of Dan and Briana Wilcox confirmed the ceremony had some sort of bizarre religious theme. “Knowing the couple, I’m not surprised they wanted to do something a little…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

BREAKING: Hot Damn, 500 Smackers!

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 10:00

OKLAHOMA CITY—Fanning out the bills to show off the newly acquired currency, sources confirmed Friday that—hot damn, would you look at that?—here’s 500 smackers. “Hoo-wee! That’s 500 buckaroos right there—go on and count it!” said the sources, repeatedly licking their thumbs to separate the 25 individual $20 bills…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Democrat Party: Moving Left Vs. Remaining Moderate

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 09:30

As the Democratic presidential primaries heat up and the party hopes to defeat President Trump in 2020, fierce debate has raged about whether it should stake out more left-wing political positions or remain moderate. The Onion breaks down what’s at stake in the debate over the Democratic Party’s future.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Study Finds English Developed As Secret Language Between 2 Reclusive European Twins

The Onion - Fri, 2019-08-16 09:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Tracing its linguistic roots back to a pair of strange little girls whose speech was incomprehensible to everyone else in their 5th-century Anglo-Saxon colony, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered Friday that English was created organically by a pair of reclusive European…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Dow Drops 800 Points As Fear Of Recession Looms

The Onion - Thu, 2019-08-15 16:26

The Dow Jones Industrial Average had its worst day of the year thus far, dropping 800 points due to geopolitical turmoil and sluggish growth rates. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Wall Street Worried About Key Recession Indicator After Ominous Black Storm Clouds Spotted Atop Mount Money

The Onion - Thu, 2019-08-15 15:53

NEW YORK—In response to a leading economic barometer portending woe to come, Wall Street officials expressed concern about a looming recession Thursday after ominous black storm clouds were spotted atop Mount Money. “While consumer spending and jobless claims are certainly important bellwethers, we were forced to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring

The Onion - Thu, 2019-08-15 15:27

NEW YORK—The ongoing investigation into the death of Jeffrey Epstein in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center reportedly uncovered a serious breach of duty by two prison guards, who were placed on disciplinary leave Thursday for allowing themselves to be distracted by a mischievous monkey that stole their…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pro-Democracy Hong Kong Protesters Disperse From Airports

The Onion - Thu, 2019-08-15 14:53

Protests in Hong Kong have ended after two days of activism that shut down flights and grew into a violent police standoff, although Beijing has initiated an aggressive disinformation campaign to quell such protests in mainland China. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

J.D. Power And Associates Name 4 Muscular Men Carrying You Everywhere As Best Vehicle In Class

The Onion - Thu, 2019-08-15 12:46

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising the simplicity of design and luxurious comfort, J.D. Power and Associates released their 2019 rankings Tuesday, naming four muscular young men carrying you everywhere as their new top vehicle in its class. “Thanks to its dependability, simple but effective driver assists, and above all…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Clingy Wingstop Hounding Man With Dozens Of Messages After Single Drunken Night Together

The Onion - Thu, 2019-08-15 12:33

CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that the restaurant chain had the wrong idea about where their relationship was headed, wing enthusiast Matthew Forester, 32, revealed Thursday that a clingy Wingstop has sent him dozens of messages since their one drunken night together. “Look, I know it was a passionate night during which…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content