MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things…
After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.
EL DORADO, KS—Saying he’d had time to work through many of his personal issues, El Dorado Correctional Facility inmate and serial murderer Dennis Rader, known as the BTK killer, told reporters Tuesday he was ready to start dating again. “Though I haven’t been the best partner—or even person—in the past, I’ve done a…
WASHINGTON—Noting that such behavior pointed to a textbook diagnosis of the psychological disorder, Georgetown University mental health researchers released a study Tuesday warning that the lack of purpose, accomplishments, and all-around drive among the nation’s Democratic leaders could be a sign they are depressed.…
Scientists in China have claimed that the country’s enormous “Sky Eye” telescope may have picked up trace signals from a distant alien civilization in a recently posted and subsequently deleted report. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Reversing long-held theories about the potentially devastating effects of climate change, scientists published an encouraging report Monday that found most of the planet would still be habitable in 2023. “While many are understandably nervous about the future of our rapidly changing world, our data…
LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by what she called “confident and carefree behavior,” a superior court judge reportedly placed Britney Spears back under a conservatorship Monday after determining the pop star was having too much fun. “Ms. Spears is clearly having the time of her life in a way I find extremely concerning,” said…
HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we…
PORTLAND, OR—Feeling absolutely duped by the strangers in his building, local resident Edward Siede told reporters Monday that he wasted a whole conversation getting to know his new neighbors who turned out to just be Airbnb guests. “I lost a full 30 minutes of my time talking to these people I thought had moved into…
In perhaps its most shocking takeaway, the Jan. 6 committee revealed the election was rigged.
NEW YORK—Noting the abrupt and dramatic shift in the man’s attitude toward work, Lindwasser Insurance Group president Brad Lindwasser told reporters Monday that one of his employees who regularly complained about not having enough days off was suddenly upset about getting fired. “He was always saying he needed more…
Mark Billingham, who is probably Britain’s finest living crime writer, has been knocking off a book a year, sometimes starring his main protagonist Tom Thorne, but sometimes with Thorne only having a walk-on part. In this year’s book, Thorne is centre stage. Working together with his two closest colleagues (and best friends) he is up against an old nemesis. I love these books not only because they’re cleverly-plotted, full of wit, and with characters I have grown to know well. I also love them because they’re largely set in Crouch End, Muswell Hill, Hornsey, Kentish Town and Highgate. In other words, in my neighbourhood. Highly recommended.
According to a new study, the U.S. could have saved more than 338,000 lives and more than $105 billion in healthcare costs in the Covid-19 pandemic with a universal healthcare system, citing delayed diagnosis and exacerbated transmission for the uninsured or underinsured in the current system. What do you think?