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Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form
ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked the mirror before heading out on a date Tuesday to confirm his consciousness was still inhabiting a corporeal form. “Just so I don’t make a bad first impression, I really ought to…
Atlanta Police Explain Why They Need ‘Cop City’
The city of Atlanta is facing backlash after announcing plans to bulldoze 85-acres of forest to build a $90 million replica of the city for police to train. The Onion asked several Atlanta police officers why they support ‘Cop City,’ and this is what they said.
It Absolutely Impossible To Tell That Boring Couple On Date Falling Deeply In Love
USA: Inside the union-busting birth of the Academy Awards
USA: Pandemic, Big Pharma & Biotech Safety With Pfizer Molecular Biologist Whistleblower Becky McClain
USA: L.A. schools would close if union workers go on massive three-day strike, Supt. Carvalho says
USA: Teamsters Strike at INEOS Factory
USA: Temple Strike Ends After Grad Students Accept Deal
USA: Rutgers faculty authorizes a strike as negotiations continue
USA: AFSCME releases new teaser trailer for upcoming podcast covering the 1968 Memphis sanitation workers strike
USA: Court upholds treating app-based drivers as contractors
Silicon Valley Bank Collapses In Biggest Bank Failure Since 2008 Financial Crisis
Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure of a financial institution in U.S. history. What do you think?
U.S. Military Discovers Bootleg F-22 Fighter Jets For Sale From Hundreds Of AliExpress Vendors
ARLINGTON, VA—As part of an ongoing effort to crack down on unlicensed, counterfeit imitations of its tactical aircraft, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had discovered bootleg F-22 fighter jets for sale from hundreds of AliExpress vendors. “We are aware of cheap F-22 Raptor knockoffs being sold through this…
Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again
MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill Gates reportedly called Jeffrey Epstein’s number Monday just to hear his voicemail greeting again. “Of course I know he’s gone and he’s not going to pick up, but to hear him say, ‘Hey, it’s…
Fetus Panics After Ballooning Up To 500 Times Her Original Weight
NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down with the placenta, man—some of these nutrients, I don’t even chew them,” said the concerned fetus, noting…
Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great
CHICAGO—Suggesting that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report released Monday confirmed that being held closely by the person who loves you probably isn’t even that great. “In all likelihood, there is nothing particularly novel or enviable about feeling the arm of a lover wrapping…
2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating
Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think?
Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times
Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times.