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Onion Social Becomes First Company To Reach Top Of Fortune 500 In Less Than 72 Hours

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 16:30

Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Tucker Carlson Angrily Explains Difference Between Good Baby And Bad Baby

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 15:27

NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…

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Categories: The Onion

MS-13 Gang Leader Getting Some Pretty Great Ideas From Watching ICE Work

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 15:14

SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…

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Categories: The Onion

Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 14:13

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called…

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Categories: The Onion

Encouraging Report Shows 45% Of Onion Social Users Survive Beta Testing

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 13:45

PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be…

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Categories: The Onion

Cops Bust Filthy, Unshaven Mark Zuckerberg For Selling Personal Data On Street Corner

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 13:28

SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my…

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Categories: The Onion

Getting Started With Onion Social

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 12:03

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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Categories: The Onion

How West Virginia Activists Organized a Solidarity Fund for the Uprising

Steward's Corner - Tue, 2018-06-19 11:37
How West Virginia Activists Organized a Solidarity Fund for the Uprising June 19, 2018 / Chris Brooks<? if(isset($entity->premium) and $entity->premium == 1) { echo "Print Only"; } ?>

Strikes are won by workers—often with a little help from their friends.

During their two-week strike, West Virginia’s salaried classroom teachers still got paid, because superintendents closed schools. The days missed were treated like snow days to be made up later. But workers paid by the hour or day—such as substitute teachers, teaching aides, bus drivers, and cafeteria workers—weren’t getting paychecks. Few had much savings to fall back on.

Categories: Labor Notes

How West Virginia Activists Organized a Solidarity Fund for the Uprising

Magazine Stories - Tue, 2018-06-19 11:37
How West Virginia Activists Organized a Solidarity Fund for the Uprising June 19, 2018 / Chris Brooks<? if(isset($entity->premium) and $entity->premium == 1) { echo "Print Only"; } ?>

Strikes are won by workers—often with a little help from their friends.

During their two-week strike, West Virginia’s salaried classroom teachers still got paid, because superintendents closed schools. The days missed were treated like snow days to be made up later. But workers paid by the hour or day—such as substitute teachers, teaching aides, bus drivers, and cafeteria workers—weren’t getting paychecks. Few had much savings to fall back on.

Categories: Labor Notes

Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 11:04

SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…

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Categories: The Onion

'B.J. Novak Comes To My House Every Morning At 5 A.M. Wearing A Big Chef’s Hat': 5 Questions With Mindy Kaling

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 11:00

Mindy Kaling’s career has only continued skyrocketing since she finished her stint writing for and co-starring in ‘The Office.’ From her eponymous TV show to roles in blockbusters like ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ and ‘Ocean’s 8&#39; this year, Kaling’s career shows no sign of slowing down. We sat down with the writer, director,…

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Categories: The Onion

Grave Miscalculation: This Woman’s Weekend-Long Trip With Her Friend Should Have Really Just Been A Lunch

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 10:50

Hindsight is always 20/20, which makes it pretty tough to watch a misjudgment as drastic as this one play out: This woman’s weekend-long trip with her friend should have really just been a lunch.

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Categories: The Onion

Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-19 10:50

SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly…

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Categories: The Onion
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