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India’s Tiger Population Doubles In Dozen Years

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-14 09:30

In a significant achievement for the country’s wildlife conservation efforts, India’s tiger population doubled in the last dozen years despite rapid urbanization. What do you think? 

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Pete Buttigieg Charms Crowd At Iowa Truck Stop By Sampling Local Meth

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-14 09:00

CLARKSVILLE, IA—Taking a long drag from a glass pipe while addressing potential voters, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg charmed crowds at a truck stop Wednesday by smoking a prime sample of their locally produced meth. “Wow, the proud people of Iowa really know how to do meth right, don’t y’all?” said a…

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‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ Turns 20

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-14 08:30

August 16 marks 20 years since Who Wants To Be A Millionaire debuted in the U.S. as the first game show in the country with a million-dollar prize, ultimately running for 20 seasons before its cancelation in May. The Onion looks back at the greatest moments in the program’s 20-year history.

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Waitress Parades Choice Of Pie Slices In Front Of Man Like Madam In High-Class Brothel

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-14 08:00

ANN ARBOR, MI—Assuring the man that even his wildest desires could be fulfilled, waitress Lana Collins paraded a selection of pie slices in front of a customer Wednesday like a madam in a high-class brothel. “Key lime, French silk, caramel pecan; simply say the word and the tasty little morsel will be yours,” said…

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Independent Voters Unimpressed By Both Trump And Democrats

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 13:40

An NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found that independent voters remain unconvinced by both the president’s and Democrat’s plans for the future, although they agree with some liberal platforms such as Medicare for all who want it and universal background checks. What do you think?

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Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 13:15

NEW YORK—Calling the oversight a complete failure of the system on every level, Department of Justice officials told reporters Tuesday that a damning investigation had revealed that billionaire and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been left unsupervised for decades prior to his suicide. “This high-risk…

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Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 12:09

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced Tuesday that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors. “These adjustments…

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The Heir Apparent: Now That Ninja Left Twitch, The Next Big Streaming Star Is Probably This Red-Faced Kid Who Plays ‘Hearthstone’

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 11:28

When famed streamer Richard “Ninja” Blevins announced he was cutting ties with Twitch and moving over to Microsoft’s new streaming service, he left a massive hole for all of his 14 million followers that most thought would never be filled. But the wait for a successor looks like it ended way faster than most expected.…

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Pfizer Announces New Antidote For Slow-Acting Poison Currently Coursing Through Bodies Of Millions Of Americans

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 10:30

NEW YORK—Stressing that time is of the essence and that every heartbeat brings the nation closer to excruciating toxic death, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced the discovery of an antidote Tuesday for the slow-acting poison currently coursing through the bodies of millions of Americans. “We at Pfizer are now…

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Poll Finds Climate Change Top Issue For Early State Democratic Voters

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 10:00

A CBS News poll found that 78% of Democratic voters in early primary states rate climate change as a “very important” issue, putting it ahead of income inequality and jobs, and suggesting environmental action growing increasingly important to left-leaning voters. What do you think?

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(Public) Space Invaders

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 09:00
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Dwindling Kitchen Resources Forcing Man To Scavenge For Food Higher And Higher In Cabinets

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-13 08:30

NEW CASTLE, DE—As he stood on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to locate a can of soup or perhaps a package of ramen, local man Josh Mucklow told reporters Tuesday that as kitchen resources continue to vanish, he has been forced to scavenge for food in higher and higher cabinets. “The shelves I have traditionally relied…

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Epstein Associates Distance Selves By Insisting They Hadn’t Used His Child Sex Trafficking Ring In Years

The Onion - Mon, 2019-08-12 15:22

NEW YORK—Downplaying their connections to the man, powerful associates of the late Jeffrey Epstein have begun to distance themselves from the serial abuser, claiming it has been years since they spent time with him or made use of his secret child sex-trafficking ring, sources confirmed Monday. “I certainly wouldn’t…

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NASA Plans For Small Space Station Orbiting Moon

The Onion - Mon, 2019-08-12 14:13

NASA’s Artemis project to return humans to the Moon will include a small space station—dubbed “The Gateway”—that will orbit the lunar surface for years, providing astronauts with a space to live, research, and plan before heading out for the missions. What do you think?

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Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein

The Onion - Mon, 2019-08-12 13:40

YOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating that you, and you alone, were the sole person who had correctly surmised what happened to Jeffrey Epstein. “Despite widespread speculation and numerous conflicting theories as to the truth behind…

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Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now

The Onion - Mon, 2019-08-12 13:06

THE HEAVENS—Admitting He would not even know what to talk about with His followers after spending two millennia apart, Christ announced Monday that He has called off plans for His return upon coming to the realization that He has been gone so long at this point that coming back “would just be weird.” “I’ve been…

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