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Defeated Republicans In Wisconsin, Michigan Move To Neutralize Democrats

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 16:26

After losing several key races in the states, defeated Republican lawmakers in Wisconsin and Michigan are taking legislative action to weaken the positions of governor and attorney general before Democrats assume office. What do you think?

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Revlon Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 14:55

NEW YORK CITY—Touting the colorless, nearly undetectable gel as the ideal beauty product for those who are perfectly comfortable with their coloration and facial features, Revlon released a new functionless translucent gel Thursday specifically formulated for women who do not wear makeup. “Revlon’s new PhantoGel is…

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Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 14:50

PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save…

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‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 14:47

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!” “Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father…

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Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 14:37

NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the stock market constantly plunging before climbing to record highs was the leading indicator of a healthy economy. “A highly volatile market that reaches a record high one day before suddenly wiping…

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Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 14:21

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public…

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Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 13:51

NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had…

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Herpetologists Discover Species Of Frogs That Evolved To Spontaneously Grow Top Hat And Cane

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 13:28

ATHENS, OH—Claiming the finding could shed new light on the diversity of amphibian life, scientists from Ohio University announced Thursday that they had discovered a new species of frog that had evolved the ability to spontaneously grow a top hat and cane. “While in many ways resembling a common bullfrog, Lithobates

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IBM Closes Jew-Tracking Division After Decades Of Declining Revenue

The Onion - Thu, 2018-12-06 12:09

ARMONK, NY—Describing the department as “an inefficient relic of the past the company has outgrown,” IBM announced the closure of its Jew-tracking division Thursday, citing decades of declining revenue. “While the division was a model of demographic research and data harvesting in the 1930s when it represented a…

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USA: Can a left-wing internationalism rise against Trump and the far right?

LabourStart - Wed, 2018-12-05 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Wash Post
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