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Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First

The Onion - Fri, 2023-03-10 13:20

LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your…

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Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants To Know Where Colleagues Stand Before Pulling Curtain Off Giant Cage

The Onion - Fri, 2023-03-10 13:15

LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this…

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The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars

The Onion - Fri, 2023-03-10 13:00

Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time.

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New York City Retirees Fight Their Own Unions to Stop Catastrophic Health Care Cuts

Steward's Corner - Fri, 2023-03-10 12:00

[This article has been updated.] Defying two years of protests and lawsuits by union retirees, New York City’s Municipal Labor Committee voted March 9 to scrap some of the best retiree health care coverage in the country. The change would put 250,000 city retirees into a for-profit Medicare Advantage plan run by Aetna.

Twenty-six unions in the MLC voted no, while others abstained. But their votes were swamped by the votes of the largest unions on the committee, AFSCME District Council 37 and the New York United Federation of Teachers.

Categories: Labor Notes

New York City Retirees Fight Their Own Unions to Stop Catastrophic Health Care Cuts

Magazine Stories - Fri, 2023-03-10 12:00

[This article has been updated.] Defying two years of protests and lawsuits by union retirees, New York City’s Municipal Labor Committee voted March 9 to scrap some of the best retiree health care coverage in the country. The change would put 250,000 city retirees into a for-profit Medicare Advantage plan run by Aetna.

Twenty-six unions in the MLC voted no, while others abstained. But their votes were swamped by the votes of the largest unions on the committee, AFSCME District Council 37 and the New York United Federation of Teachers.

Categories: Labor Notes

MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People

The Onion - Fri, 2023-03-10 11:23

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the…

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Categories: The Onion

New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavish Fleet Of Private Donkeys

The Onion - Fri, 2023-03-10 07:30

JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much…

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Categories: The Onion

Could You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75?

The Onion - Fri, 2023-03-10 07:15

Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?

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Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Today So You Can Take Afternoon Off And Have Fun

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-09 15:40

NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the earliest, climate scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday that Earth was doing pretty good today, so everyone could take the afternoon off and have fun. “If anything, Earth could…

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Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back Child Labor Protections

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-09 15:21

Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think?

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Dog Annoyed Vet Weighing Her With Jacket And Boots Still On

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-09 14:40

PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed annoyance toward her veterinarian Thursday after she was weighed her with both her jacket and boots still on. “Eight pounds? You’ve gotta be kidding me—there’s no way that’s right,” said the…

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Categories: The Onion

Chicago Grocery Teamsters Face Firing and Retaliation for Exercising Their Rights

Steward's Corner - Thu, 2023-03-09 11:52

Workers couldn’t wear a sticker or button, because what if it fell into the fruits and vegetables they packaged for the Anthony Marano Company, a major distributor of produce in Chicago and the greater Midwest for restaurants and grocery chains including Aldi’s, Sysco, and Pete’s Fresh Market?

They couldn’t do a red T-shirt day; the temperatures are frigid in the warehouse, and workers must cover themselves in layers to keep warm. But they are allowed to wear hats over their hairnets.

Categories: Labor Notes

Chicago Grocery Teamsters Face Firing and Retaliation for Exercising Their Rights

Magazine Stories - Thu, 2023-03-09 11:52

Workers couldn’t wear a sticker or button, because what if it fell into the fruits and vegetables they packaged for the Anthony Marano Company, a major distributor of produce in Chicago and the greater Midwest for restaurants and grocery chains including Aldi’s, Sysco, and Pete’s Fresh Market?

They couldn’t do a red T-shirt day; the temperatures are frigid in the warehouse, and workers must cover themselves in layers to keep warm. But they are allowed to wear hats over their hairnets.

Categories: Labor Notes

Bored Census Bureau Employee Changes Every Ohio Resident’s Name to Laura

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-09 09:23

SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78…

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Categories: The Onion

Ron DeSantis Oversees Program Offering Florida Students Free Force-Fed Meals

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-09 09:22

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals. “Every child has the right to be force-fed until they’re physically ill,” said…

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Categories: The Onion
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