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Aliens Making First Contact Excitedly Ask To Meet Princess Di

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 15:52

WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings, people of Earth, we come in peace, and wish nothing more than to meet our idol, the…

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Stanford University Receives $1.1 Billion For New Climate School

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 15:02

John Doerr, one of Silicon Valley’s most successful venture capitalists, is giving $1.1 billion to Stanford University to fund a school focused on climate change, claiming the study of climate and sustainability will be “the new computer science.” What do you think?

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‘What Is This For Again?’ Asks Madison Cawthorn Stripping Nude As Kevin McCarthy Holds Up Camcorder

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 14:40

WASHINGTON—Briefly pausing as he removed his shirt to request one more explanation for why he was doing this, a half-naked Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) reportedly asked Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) what all of this was for as the House minority leader held up a camcorder. “Wait, I’m sorry, Kevin, I know you must…

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Trigger Laws In 13 States To Automatically Detonate Abortion Clinics Moment Roe v. Wade Overturned

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 14:20

AUSTIN, TX—With a leaked Supreme Court opinion signaling the landmark ruling is poised to be struck down, trigger laws in 13 states are set to automatically detonate abortion clinics the moment Roe v. Wade is overturned, sources reported Thursday. “We have placed highly combustible charges in and around every…

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Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 13:30

NEW YORK—Saying the statement had immediately set her mind at ease, local woman Sarah Waldman expressed relief Thursday upon finding her husband in bed with a nude stranger and hearing that he could explain everything. “Oh thank god, I thought he might be cheating on me, but it seems like there’s a perfectly…

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A Week In The Life Of Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 12:50

Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson to provide a window into a typical week in their lives.

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Couple’s Wedding Website Has 18-Plus Section Where Guests Can Read Story Of First Hookup

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 12:40

NASHUA, NH—Offering of-age friends and family an opportunity to learn how their relationship began, the wedding website of engaged couple Marc Guerrero, 26, and Karina Rivlin, 27, includes an 18-plus section where guests can read the story of the pair’s first hookup, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s such a nice…

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Study Finds Dogs’ Personalities Have Little To Do With Breed

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 08:00

A study published in the journal Science found that many popular stereotypes about the behavior of dog breeds aren’t supported by science, concluding that every dog is an individual. What do you think?

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Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 08:00

Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.

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Kazakhstan: Free the worker activist Erzhan Elshibayev

LabourStart - Wed, 2022-05-04 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Central Asia Labour Rights Monitoring Mission

Leaked Opinion Suggests Supreme Court Will Overturn ‘Roe V. Wade’

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 16:50

The Supreme Court will vote to strike down the landmark Roe V. Wade decision according to a leaked draft majority opinion written by Justice Samuel Alito, likely ending nearly 50 years of federal abortion protection. What do you think?

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Mars Introduces New Crab-Stuffed M&M’s

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 14:10

MCLEAN, VA—Stating that its latest confection was equally suitable as a movie snack or an hors-d’oeuvre, multinational candy manufacturer Mars Inc. announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new savory crab-stuffed M&M. “At long last, classic varieties such as original, peanut, and almond will be joined by an M&M…

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Barry White Estate Shares Previously Unreleased Album From Era When Singer Was Confused Virgin Frightened By Sex

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 14:00

LOS ANGELES—Making the extremely rare tracks available to the public for the first time, the Barry White estate issued a previously unreleased album Wednesday that represents an early era in which the R&B legend known for his sultry bass-baritone was still a confused virgin frightened by the idea of sex. “White was…

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2022 Midterms: Primary Elections To Watch

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 11:14

The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.

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Foil Blanket Draped Over Panting Coworker Who Just Took Stairs

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 11:00

CHICAGO—Rushing to assist the fatigued, out-of-breath man as he triumphantly threw his arms up and fell to the ground, multiple onlookers draped a foil blanket over their coworker Wednesday after he successfully took the stairs. “Hey, man, you did it, you actually did it, you made it all the way up the stairs, and you…

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Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 09:03

Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.

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