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GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 18:32

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend…

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Categories: The Onion

God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 16:31

The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.

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Categories: The Onion

Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 16:21

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in…

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Categories: The Onion

Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 15:46

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent…

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Categories: The Onion

The Danger We're Facing: A Grocery Worker Speaks Out

Steward's Corner - Mon, 2020-03-23 15:29

The coronavirus crisis is spurring record-breaking sales for grocery store chains, straining supply chains and exhausting employees.

While many businesses are having employees work from home or are closing down to mitigate the spread of the virus, grocery stores have been designated a “critical industry” by federal agencies. This means they can largely continue with business like normal—and normal was bad enough.

Categories: Labor Notes

The Danger We're Facing: A Grocery Worker Speaks Out

Magazine Stories - Mon, 2020-03-23 15:29

The coronavirus crisis is spurring record-breaking sales for grocery store chains, straining supply chains and exhausting employees.

While many businesses are having employees work from home or are closing down to mitigate the spread of the virus, grocery stores have been designated a “critical industry” by federal agencies. This means they can largely continue with business like normal—and normal was bad enough.

Categories: Labor Notes

Ohio Orders Halt To Most Abortions During Coronavirus Pandemic

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 14:40

Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.” What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Our Response to the Coronavirus: The Working People Weekly List

AFL-CIO Weblog - Mon, 2020-03-23 14:28
Our Response to the Coronavirus: The Working People Weekly List AFL-CIO

Every week, we bring you a roundup of the top news and commentary about issues and events important to working families. Here’s the latest edition of the Working People Weekly List.

AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka Talks About the Coronavirus’ Impact on America's Workers: "AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka talks about the coronavirus’s impact on American workers and what he expects ahead. He talks about the U.S. economy more widely as well, labor’s relationship with Congress and the administration and presidential politics."

AFL-CIO President Trumka on Our Response to the Coronavirus: "AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka was on Bloomberg Radio discussing our response to the coronavirus and our demands moving forward."

AFL-CIO Calls on Federal Government to Protect Entertainment Industry Workers: "With hundreds of thousands of entertainment industry workers suddenly unemployed by the coronavirus shutdown, unions and guilds affiliated with the AFL-CIO’s Department for Professional Employees are calling on President Trump, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, and Congress to quickly pass emergency relief legislation to enhance and expand state unemployment benefits and send direct cash to the impacted workers they represent.” 

‘At War with No Ammo’: Doctors Say Shortage of Protective Gear Is Dire: "With coronavirus cases soaring, doctors, nurses and other front-line medical workers across the United States are confronting a dire shortage of masks, surgical gowns and eye gear to protect them from the virus."

The Delivery Workers Who Risk Their Health to Bring You Food: "As New Yorkers barricade themselves in their homes to practice “social distancing,” delivery workers, typically an overlooked group, have now taken on outsized significance and are on the front lines of the outbreak. With demand for deliveries surging, a largely immigrant work force has become a critical link, providing food, groceries, medication and many other items that many people can no longer easily access or are unwilling to go out and purchase. Beside risking their own health, workers typically earn meager salaries and have no health insurance or any other labor protections."

Airline Union Leader: ‘The Casualties Are Starting to Pile Up’: "The airline layoffs that began this week will snowball and cripple the industry’s ability to recover once the novel coronavirus pandemic is contained unless federal lawmakers act swiftly to prop up payrolls, the leader of the nation’s top flight attendants union said Friday."

Trumka Praises Workers, Slams Trump and Profiteers on Coronavirus Pandemic: "Workers, union and non-union, are responding magnificently to the coronavirus pandemic, AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka says. Business and GOP President Donald Trump are another matter."

'I Can’t Overstate How Devastating This Crisis Has Been': "Karen Kent, head of UNITE HERE Local 1, estimates that three-fourths of the 16,000 hospitality workers her union represents are out of work or laid off as a result of coronavirus-related cancellations and cutbacks."

How to Keep U.S. Workers Safe During Coronavirus: "Sen. Jeff Merkley, D-Ore., and AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka join 'Morning Joe' to discuss safety for U.S. workers and what the labor movement is doing in this time of crisis."

As Coronavirus Deepens Inequality, Inequality Worsens Its Spread: "As the coronavirus spreads across the globe, it appears to be setting off a devastating feedback loop with another of the gravest forces of our time: economic inequality. In societies where the virus hits, it is deepening the consequences of inequality, pushing many of the burdens onto the losers of today’s polarized economies and labor markets. Research suggests that those in lower economic strata are likelier to catch the disease. They are also likelier to die from it."

AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka on the Coronavirus Pandemic: "AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka was on Bloomberg Business discussing the coronavirus pandemic and its effect on the American worker."

Gig Economy Workers Are Our Newest First Responders: "These low-paid, unsung workers—Instacart shoppers but also the Amazon delivery folks and everyone else who is doing gig work today that helps other people engage in self-protective social distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic—are now the equivalent of first responders."

Women's History Month Profiles: Elizabeth Gurley Flynn: "For Women's History Month, the AFL-CIO is spotlighting various women who were, and some who still are, leaders and activists working at the intersection of civil and labor rights. Today, we are looking at Elizabeth Gurley Flynn."

AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka Answers COVID-19 Questions on Facebook Live: "In a Facebook Live event Wednesday, AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka (UMWA) spoke about working people's response to the COVID-19 pandemic and answered questions from union members."

‘State of the Unions’ Podcast: Working America, AFL-CIO's Community Affiliate: "On the latest episode of 'State of the Unions,' podcast co-host Julie Greene Collier and guest co-host Carolyn Bobb sit down with Matt Morrison, executive director of Working America, the 3.5 million-member community affiliate of the AFL-CIO, to discuss how the affiliate is mobilizing millions of workers from all demographics who otherwise lack representation at work."

Transit Workers Win Organizing Victories: Worker Wins: "Our latest roundup of worker wins begins with a series of wins for transit workers and includes numerous examples of working people organizing, bargaining and mobilizing for a better life."

Kenneth Quinnell Mon, 03/23/2020 - 14:28

Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 14:13

BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about…

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Categories: The Onion

Workers at Cambodia’s Biggest Casino Strike and Win Higher Wages and Reinstatement of Union President

Steward's Corner - Mon, 2020-03-23 13:30
Workers at Cambodia’s Biggest Casino Strike and Win Higher Wages and Reinstatement of Union President March 23, 2020 / Andrew Tillett-Saks

Sithar Chhim had checked every potential meeting room in downtown Phnom Penh, the capital city of Cambodia. Nobody would rent the president of the NagaWorld Casino Workers Union the room her union desperately needed to hold their strike vote with their 4,000 members.

Categories: Labor Notes

Workers at Cambodia’s Biggest Casino Strike and Win Higher Wages and Reinstatement of Union President

Magazine Stories - Mon, 2020-03-23 13:30
Workers at Cambodia’s Biggest Casino Strike and Win Higher Wages and Reinstatement of Union President March 23, 2020 / Andrew Tillett-Saks

Sithar Chhim had checked every potential meeting room in downtown Phnom Penh, the capital city of Cambodia. Nobody would rent the president of the NagaWorld Casino Workers Union the room her union desperately needed to hold their strike vote with their 4,000 members.

Categories: Labor Notes

Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 13:21

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?” said…

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Categories: The Onion

The Response to COVID-19: What Working People Are Doing This Week

AFL-CIO Weblog - Mon, 2020-03-23 13:10
The Response to COVID-19: What Working People Are Doing This Week AFL-CIO

Welcome to our regular feature, a look at what the various AFL-CIO unions and other working family organizations are doing across the country and beyond. The labor movement is big and active—here's a look at the broad range of activities we're engaged in this week.

Actors' Equity:

Thank you @SenGaryPeters for introducing this legislation. This would protect arts workers by allowing them to apply for unemployment insurance for jobs they had accepted but had not yet started due to postponement by the coronavirus. https://t.co/IZqyXvuPEG

— Actors' Equity (@ActorsEquity) March 20, 2020

AFGE:

Thank you @FederalNewsNet for recognizing federal employees who continue to make our government work during these uncertain times. #1u #COVID19 https://t.co/uIvVYpgz09

— AFGE (@AFGENational) March 20, 2020

AFSCME:

“When things like these episodes break out, we’re on the front lines.” – Leo Laffitte, a custodian for 18 years at the Hartford Public Library, a member of AFSCME Local 1716 and a district vice president for @AFSCMECT4. https://t.co/H6yOxL9LfE

— AFSCME (@AFSCME) March 20, 2020

Air Line Pilots Association:

READ: ALPA signs on to #aviation labor #union letter to Cong. "It is imperative that any relief package focus on the workers ...Any federal aid must keep employees on payroll, protect labor rights & come w/ statutory guarantees that the money will go to the frontline workforce" pic.twitter.com/j373hH293P

— ALPA (@WeAreALPA) March 19, 2020

Alliance for Retired Americans:

Election workers are wary. Fearing infection, voters aren't showing up at the polls. #COVID19 has made it even more important for all 50 states to have the option to vote by mail. Sign our petition to demand action: https://t.co/pQW6jlhT89 pic.twitter.com/xKmb0kwtWF

— Alliance Retirees (@ActiveRetirees) March 19, 2020

Amalgamated Transit Union:

ATU Coronavirus (COVID-19) Alert. To download and share with your fellow ATU members, please click here: https://t.co/Wxn91VBhUP #TogetherWeFightTogetherWeWin #1u #OneATU pic.twitter.com/dwnM64hwhX

— ATU, Transit Union (@ATUComm) March 16, 2020

American Federation of Musicians:

The Coronavirus Response Act helps many working people, but it does not help all of us. Many musicians can't qualify for unemployment or other benefits. Tell your legislators to provide relief NOW. #1u #CoronavirusResponse https://t.co/lq075gxbDp

— AFM (@The_AFM) March 20, 2020

American Federation of Teachers:

We want to take a moment to thank all the nurses, healthcare professionals, educators, faculty, support staff, public employees, and all others who are on the front lines to keep our communities safe during this pandemic. #ThankAFirstResponder pic.twitter.com/RNIxHNMUT4

— AFT (@AFTunion) March 19, 2020

American Postal Workers Union:

Today the union signed two memoranda of understanding with USPS temporarily expanding paid leave for PSEs and expanding the use of dependent care leave for postal employees with unexpected childcare needs as a result of the pandemic. #APWUnited https://t.co/e1GHBiOcEd

— APWU National (@APWUnational) March 18, 2020

Asian Pacific American Labor Alliance:

APALA releases guidance on how to protect AAPI workers in light of the outbreak of COVID-19!

>>>TAKE ACTION<<<
1. Share the guidance on how to protect AAPI workers!
2. Print out and hang the poster in your workplace or place of business to show support!https://t.co/e2kl7jRfc5 pic.twitter.com/guW1vDfOWN

— Asian Pacific American Labor Alliance, AFL-CIO (@APALAnational) March 5, 2020

Association of Flight Attendants-CWA:

We've seen catastrophe before. We know what didn't work & we won't let that happen again. We need relief that focuses on REAL people.

Tell Congress: Any public relief plan should be #PeopleFirst plan w/ legally-binding rules, incl paycheck continuation. https://t.co/mkAhaRIVn4 pic.twitter.com/uty29doZkG

— AFA-CWA (@afa_cwa) March 20, 2020

Boilermakers:

We can all use a little good news right now. If you or a #Boilermaker you know has stepped up in a special way during this pandemic crisis, share your story with the Boilermaker Reporter at https://t.co/DVYXDyb37i. We are #unionstrong in this together.

— Boilermakers Union (@boilermakernews) March 19, 2020

Bricklayers:

In response to questions from those in the #construction industry, @CPWR has developed guidance on #COVID-19. Check it out: https://t.co/iuZQVmvIlM #coronovarius #1u

— Bricklayers Union (@IUBAC) March 19, 2020

California School Employees Association:

Nearly all of California schools are closed or have announced that they will close because of the COVID-19 pandemic, and Governor Newsom has indicated that they may not reopen before the summer break. Please view this thread for more information.
1/5 https://t.co/xClLPU2Dyw

— CSEA (@CSEA_Now) March 18, 2020

Coalition of Black Trade Unionists:

NEW: Statement by CBTU President Terry Melvin on the coronavirus and CBTU’s convention in May. https://t.co/ImGddZtpPW

— CBTU (@CBTU72) March 17, 2020

Coalition of Labor Union Women:

In EVERY state, public service workers are on the frontlines of fighting #COVID19. But in 24 states, they lack the freedom to collectively bargain for improvements that protect all of us. Tell your Rep. to pass the Public Service Freedom to Negotiate Act 1-877-682-6145 #PSFN

— CLUW National (@CLUWNational) March 12, 2020

Communications Workers of America:

Nearly all of California schools are closed or have announced that they will close because of the COVID-19 pandemic, and Governor Newsom has indicated that they may not reopen before the summer break. Please view this thread for more information.
1/5 https://t.co/xClLPU2Dyw

— CSEA (@CSEA_Now) March 18, 2020

Department for Professional Employees:

"Elected officials have a moral responsibility to ensure emergency relief packages address these workers’ unique circumstances." - DPE President @J_Dorning #1u https://t.co/d0Ru1Ryeqr

— Department for Professional Employees (@DPEaflcio) March 20, 2020

Electrical Workers:

Message from @IBEW_CCO James Barry regarding recent updates and Government response to COVID-19 Pandemic https://t.co/D4LkDB4mKl

— IBEW (@IBEW) March 20, 2020

Fire Fighters:

Listen to Episode 1 of our #COVID-19 Podcast https://t.co/B4ZlrG3JrI
Please subscribe, like and share! pic.twitter.com/5AB6MlRRZF

— IAFF (@IAFFNewsDesk) March 19, 2020

Glass, Molders, Pottery, Plastics and Allied Workers-USW:

The General Executive Board is placing a suspension on all Local Union Meetings until such time as the COVID-19 virus national emergency quarantine and isolation recommendations are lifted.
Read more from the General Executive Board here: https://t.co/BDJBz5aMWZ

— Insulators Union (@InsulatorsUnion) March 20, 2020

International Federation of Professional and Technical Engineers:

Great resource for Californians from the amazing staff at @LegalAidAtWork !! https://t.co/yEYuxeGMeO

— IFPTE (@IFPTE) March 19, 2020

International Labor Communications Association:

Bookmark this @AFLCIO #COVID19 resource page #1u https://t.co/RwKBsHT4n4

— Labor Communications (@ILCAonline) March 18, 2020

Ironworkers:

The growing COVID-19 crisis has roiled the U.S. construction industry from coast to coast, with contractors large and small mired in uncertainty and wondering what their next steps should be. #SocialDistanacing #ThursdayThoughtshttps://t.co/gLVVVj7SX1

— Ironworkers. (@TheIronworkers) March 19, 2020

Jobs with Justice:

Like so many other working people, minor league baseball players are struggling to make ends meet. A brand new organization just launched with aims on changing that. Excited to see what @MiLBAdvocates has in store! https://t.co/GiFdMDr6aQ

— Jobs With Justice (@jwjnational) March 20, 2020

Labor Council for Latin American Advancement:

¿Qué debo hacer protegerme del coronavirus? ¿Cómo puedo evitar el contagio? ¿Quiénes son las personas que corren mayor riesgo? Mantengámonos informados! pic.twitter.com/W2iA08kLdL

— LCLAA (@LCLAA) March 16, 2020

Machinists:

We have updated our #COVID19 resource center.

Americans Seek To Stay Social While Self-Isolating

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 13:00

 As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Dog Not Sure How To Interpret Crazy Dream Where It Saw Squirrel, Barked At Squirrel

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 12:52

OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my…

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Categories: The Onion

OGN’s Best Games To Play During The Coronavirus Quarantine

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 12:46

Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.

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Categories: The Onion

Disturbing New Study Finds American 5th-Graders Only Absorbing Targeted Advertisements At 1st-Grade Level

The Onion - Mon, 2020-03-23 12:03

STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them…

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Categories: The Onion
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