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Poor Kid Really Good At Grocery Part Of ‘The Price Is Right’

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 08:00

MASON, OH—Noting that his friend could rattle off the cost of items with near robotic accuracy, local 10-year-old Jamison Fritz told reporters Tuesday that his poor friend Daniel was really good at the grocery part of The Price Is Right. “Whenever they put things like snacks, food, or toiletries on TV, Daniel always…

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USA: Starbucks will raise wages again — but not for unionized workers

LabourStart - Tue, 2022-05-03 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: CNN

Report: Some Tick Bites Causing Lifelong Red Meat Allergies

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:40

Experts are reporting that the aggressive lone star tick species, which can cause alpha-gal syndrome, an acquired lifelong allergy to red meat and other animal products, is spreading in the US from its native Southeast into the northern states. What do you think?

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‘Guess That Makes Him Or Her Some Kind Of American Hero, Huh?’ Says Supreme Court Leaker Discussing News With Coworkers

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:09

WASHINGTON—Carefully watching their faces to gauge reactions, the Supreme Court employee responsible for the leaked draft opinion reportedly said, “Guess that makes him or her some kind of American hero, huh?” while discussing the news with coworkers Tuesday. “Wow, to take a stand like that, that requires some major…

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Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:08

WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational…

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Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:06

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights,…

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Abbey In UK Seeking To Break World Record For Largest Vampire Gathering

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 13:54

Whitby Abbey, a 7th-Century English monastery, will attempt to break the world record for the largest gathering of people dressed as vampires to celebrate the 125th anniversary of Bram Stoker’s novel, “Dracula,” which was partly inspired by the abbey ruins. What do you think?

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What To Say To Someone Considering Abortion

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 11:38

Can’t go wrong with a simple, heartfelt declaration of support.

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All Tuckered Out

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 11:14
Categories: The Onion

Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is…

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Man Opening Mailbox Again Knows He Still Won’t Find Anything To Eat In There

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be…

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Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone…

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Parents Support Son’s Dream Of Becoming NASCAR Driver By Putting Up 2.5-Mile Motor Speedway In Backyard

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we…

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Americans Bring ‘Souvenir’ Artillery Shell To Israel Airport

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

An American family caused panic at an Israeli airport when they tried to bring an unexploded artillery shell they had found in the Golan Heights back to the states as a souvenir. What do you think?

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Pelosi Makes Unannounced Trip To Kyiv To Meet With Zelensky

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-02 16:17

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced trip to Kyiv over the weekend to meet with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to voice American solidarity with the besieged nation, making her the highest-ranking leader to visit since the invasion began. What do you think?

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Wi-Fi Password On Post-It Note Read Aloud Like Incantation From Ancient Spell Book

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-02 14:34

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the…

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