MASON, OH—Noting that his friend could rattle off the cost of items with near robotic accuracy, local 10-year-old Jamison Fritz told reporters Tuesday that his poor friend Daniel was really good at the grocery part of The Price Is Right. “Whenever they put things like snacks, food, or toiletries on TV, Daniel always…
Experts are reporting that the aggressive lone star tick species, which can cause alpha-gal syndrome, an acquired lifelong allergy to red meat and other animal products, is spreading in the US from its native Southeast into the northern states. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Carefully watching their faces to gauge reactions, the Supreme Court employee responsible for the leaked draft opinion reportedly said, “Guess that makes him or her some kind of American hero, huh?” while discussing the news with coworkers Tuesday. “Wow, to take a stand like that, that requires some major…
WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational…
WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights,…
Whitby Abbey, a 7th-Century English monastery, will attempt to break the world record for the largest gathering of people dressed as vampires to celebrate the 125th anniversary of Bram Stoker’s novel, “Dracula,” which was partly inspired by the abbey ruins. What do you think?
Can’t go wrong with a simple, heartfelt declaration of support.
COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is…
AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be…
DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone…
POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we…
An American family caused panic at an Israeli airport when they tried to bring an unexploded artillery shell they had found in the Golan Heights back to the states as a souvenir. What do you think?
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced trip to Kyiv over the weekend to meet with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to voice American solidarity with the besieged nation, making her the highest-ranking leader to visit since the invasion began. What do you think?
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the…