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Man Carefully Places Piece Of Paper In Back Pocket To Make Sure It Will Go Through Washing Machine

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

CROFTON, MD—Conscientiously stowing away the important note, local man Gary Chen carefully placed a piece of paper in his back pocket Thursday to make sure it would end up going through the washing machine. “Gotta make sure to keep this in a safe spot,” said Chen of the piece of paper containing important information…

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Woman Disgusted After Finding Out There Over 2,000 Calories In Recommended Daily Intake

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

KENNESAW, GA—Shuddering at the thought of what eating that much might do to her body, local woman Jessica Hummel was reportedly disgusted Thursday after finding out there were well over 2,000 calories in her recommended daily intake. “Jesus, I knew it was probably a lot, but I didn’t think it would be that bad,” said…

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Signs You’ve Become A Total Wine Snob

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-29 09:00

Not everyone can drink rotten juice and look smart while doing it. Here are several signs you’ve become a total wine snob.

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Disney’s Hall Of Presidents Opens Exhibit Of Historic Shadow Leaders Who Really Ran Country

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-29 09:00

ORLANDO, FL—Eschewing its typical round of publicity, Disney World quietly opened a side exhibit within its Hall Of Presidents attraction Wednesday featuring the historic shadow leaders who have really run the country since its founding. “The show takes place in a narrow hallway, which is only accessible via an…

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Poll: 43% Of Adults Say They Have Financially Cheated On Their Partner

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-29 09:00

According to a new poll, some 43% of adults with combined finances in a relationship said they’ve committed an act of financial deception, ranging from lying to their partner or spouse about money to hiding things such as cash, bills or a purchase. What do you think?

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Woman Attempts To Hire Assassin From RentAHitman.com

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-29 09:00

A Michigan woman faces up to nine years in prison after pleading guilty to solicitation of murder for trying to hire someone to kill her ex-husband on the fake website, RentAHitman.com, where she filled out the “service request form” with a $5,000 offer of payment. What do you think?

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Report: Majority Of Americans Would Support A New War If There Were Elephants Involved

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-29 09:00

STANFORD, CA—Since the darkest days of the War on Terror, popular support for overseas military conflicts has dwindled among Americans, but according to a report released Wednesday by the Hoover Institution, the majority of the nation would approve of a new war if elephants were used in combat. “Of all potential…

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Man With Deep Sadness Over Never Finding Someone Who Truly Knows Him Labeled ‘The Crazy Uncle’

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-29 09:00

TEMPE, AZ—Fixating on his rotating series of girlfriends and tendency to drink too much wine during holidays, local family the Bellingers told reporters Wednesday that their deeply sad relative Andrew, who longs to find just one person who truly understands him, was “the crazy uncle.” “Uncle Andy starts drinking and…

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Tunisia: UGTT implements a protest movement and promises escalation

LabourStart - Tue, 2021-12-28 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: MEMO

Experts Warn Nation’s Aging Sewer Infrastructure Could Be Just One Huge Turd Away From Collapse

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-28 09:00

WASHINGTON—Noting a massive amount of pressure that had been slowly building in the system for years, experts warned Tuesday that the nation’s aging sewer infrastructure could be just one huge turd away from total collapse. “At this point, all it would take is for one person to eat too much of something they…

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Biggest Mistakes All Gun Owners Make

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-28 09:00

When bullets, gun powder, and idiots mix, sometimes the results can be disastrous. Here are the biggest mistakes all gun owners make.

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Study: Climate Change Causing Albatross ‘Divorce’

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-28 09:00

A new study has found that albatross, known to be monogamous creatures, are separating from their life partners at a higher rate, with researchers saying that climate change is negatively impacting breeding conditions, leading the seabirds to find new partners. What do you think?

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Walmart Using Driverless Trucks In Delivery Pilot Program

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-28 09:00

Walmart has started doing fully driverless box truck deliveries on a fixed seven-mile loop in Arkansas between its own locations as part of a delivery pilot program to test shipping stock from a warehouse to one of its stores. What do you think?

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Homeowner’s Ring Security Alerts Now Just Texting News Stories About Black-On-Black Crime

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-28 09:00

ELYRIA, OH—Silencing her phone in frustration after the day’s fourth unprompted alert, local homeowner Delia Reid confirmed Tuesday that her Ring home security camera was now just texting her news stories about Black-on-Black crime. “Nothing at my house has gone wrong at all, but I can’t go 20 minutes without getting…

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Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down

The Onion - Mon, 2021-12-27 09:00

Look, we’ll admit it! Everyone here at OGN loves video games. In fact, sometimes we get so excited speculating about upcoming titles or dissecting the latest industry controversies, we tend to forget that, for most people, gaming is just one aspect of life. We realize we can definitely be a little bit one-note in that…

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Oakley Introduces Line Of Sunglasses For Front Of Head

The Onion - Mon, 2021-12-27 09:00

FOOTHILL RANCH, CA—In an effort to market “something a little bit different” to diehard fans of its lifestyle brand, sports apparel company Oakley unveiled a new line of sunglasses Monday specifically designed for wear on the front of the head. “We’re excited to expand into eyewear with these sleek new performance…

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Signs You’ve Spent Too Much Time With Your Family Over The Holidays

The Onion - Mon, 2021-12-27 09:00


Yeah, it’s time to go back home. Here are signs you’ve spent too much time with your family over the holidays.

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Scientists Create Ultra-Hot Superionic Black Ice

The Onion - Mon, 2021-12-27 09:00

Scientists have confirmed the existence of “superionic ice,” a dense, dark, and ultra-hot form of matter thought to comprise the bulk of icy planets by using lasers to squeeze a water droplet between two diamonds and blast it to star-like temperatures. What do you think?

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