Bill Bumpus Somerville MA - An injury to one is an injury to all

ST. LOUIS—Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. “Americans deserve choice, which is why I’m running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow…

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PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is…

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PHILADELPHIA—Demonstrating that sexism is possible across the animal kingdom, scientists at Drexel University announced Monday that they had successfully taught mice to hate women. “After years of steady progress, we have finally been able to prove that mice are capable of being raging misogynists,” said lead…

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Unlimited Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, which the seafood chain hoped would entice customers during the winter months, proved to be too steep a deal after the company reportedly lost $11 million due to the promotion. What do you think?

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