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U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 15:30

U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Workplace Bullying in Higher Education is Rampant. We’re Fighting Back

Steward's Corner - Fri, 2022-05-20 15:14

Grabbing her hair, the boss held scissor blades an inch from her face. “If you don’t give me any brilliant ideas I’m going to cut your hair off,” he deadpanned.

Was this a sick joke? Was he serious? She was alone in his office with him. She was petrified.

You might think this assault happened in some notoriously wretched workplace, the kind of abuse that only occurs in sweatshops halfway across the globe.

But you would be wrong.

Categories: Labor Notes

Workplace Bullying in Higher Education is Rampant. We’re Fighting Back

Magazine Stories - Fri, 2022-05-20 15:14

Grabbing her hair, the boss held scissor blades an inch from her face. “If you don’t give me any brilliant ideas I’m going to cut your hair off,” he deadpanned.

Was this a sick joke? Was he serious? She was alone in his office with him. She was petrified.

You might think this assault happened in some notoriously wretched workplace, the kind of abuse that only occurs in sweatshops halfway across the globe.

But you would be wrong.

Categories: Labor Notes

Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 15:05

KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn…

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Categories: The Onion

Farm and Construction Equipment Workers Strike in Iowa and Wisconsin

Steward's Corner - Fri, 2022-05-20 14:56

Eleven hundred workers who manufacture agricultural and construction equipment for CNH Industrial in Burlington, Iowa, and Racine, Wisconsin, have been on strike since May 2.

At the core of the strike is the company’s three-tier pay system. Workers hired before 1996 make $6 to $8 more per hour than those hired after 2004; those hired between 1996 and 2004 earn somewhere in between. Workers want to see at least the bottom tier abolished.

Categories: Labor Notes

Farm and Construction Equipment Workers Strike in Iowa and Wisconsin

Magazine Stories - Fri, 2022-05-20 14:56

Eleven hundred workers who manufacture agricultural and construction equipment for CNH Industrial in Burlington, Iowa, and Racine, Wisconsin, have been on strike since May 2.

At the core of the strike is the company’s three-tier pay system. Workers hired before 1996 make $6 to $8 more per hour than those hired after 2004; those hired between 1996 and 2004 earn somewhere in between. Workers want to see at least the bottom tier abolished.

Categories: Labor Notes

NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 14:55

NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The…

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Categories: The Onion

Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 14:20

LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a…

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Categories: The Onion

Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 12:50

The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”

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Categories: The Onion

Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 11:35

BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the…

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Categories: The Onion

Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 11:30

Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 09:27

GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know…

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Categories: The Onion

Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-20 08:00

Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career.

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Categories: The Onion

Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-19 15:58

Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Sex Fact: Did You Know?

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-19 14:41
Categories: The Onion

Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-19 14:40

CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. “Wow, how does he do it? This is why he’s a movie star,” said festival…

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Categories: The Onion

Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-19 14:10

PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. “Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you,” said Trump, who called upon…

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Categories: The Onion

Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-19 09:26

Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout.

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Categories: The Onion
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