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The Onion
Airbnb Bill Includes Survival Fee
PASADENA, CA—Noting that his initial booking didn’t say anything about the additional charge, local man Patrick Reyes told reporters Friday he was annoyed when his Airbnb bill included a survival fee. “What the hell, they just charged me $129.99 out of nowhere and said that unless I paid, I wouldn’t be allowed to…
Lockheed Martin Boosts Earnings Outlook Citing Billions Of Innocent People Still Left To Kill
BETHESDA, MD—Adjusting revenue expectations in light of resilient demand for massacring those who just want to live their lives, defense contractor Lockheed Martin boosted its earnings outlook in a conference call with investors Friday, citing billions of innocent people still left to kill. “Given that the total…
Historians Uncover New Evidence That Jesus Made Annoying Smacking Sound After Every Sip Of Wine
JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the religious leader’s personal life, historians announced the discovery of new evidence Friday that suggests Jesus Christ made an annoying smacking sound after every sip of wine. “We’ve recovered a portion of a previously unexamined ancient text that details Jesus of Nazareth blessing…
Things To Never Say To Someone Taking Ozempic
Though it is not FDA-approved for weight loss, Ozempic, an injectable drug used to treat diabetes, has helped users shit and puke away the pounds. These are things that you should never say to someone taking Ozempic.
Nikola Jokic: ‘Basketball Is Boring’
DENVER—Asked for his comments on playing in his first NBA Finals, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Thursday night that he found basketball boring. “I do not find this sport very interesting at all,” said Jokic, adding that he was actually disappointed that the Nuggets reached the Finals, because there…
‘Sex And The City’ Fans Divided After Samantha Returns As Cybernetic Assassin
NEW YORK—Amid reports that Kim Cattrall’s beloved character would appear in season two of And Just Like That…, fans were reportedly divided Thursday after it was confirmed that Samantha Jones would return to the Sex And The City franchise as a cybernetic assassin. “Samantha has always been my favorite character, so…
Boston Fan Doesn’t Have Slurs To Describe Disappointment In Celtics
BOSTON—Following a meltdown in the Eastern Conference Finals that saw his team lose the crucial Game 7 by 19 points to the eighth-seeded Miami Heat, local Boston Celtics fan Tim Atkinson told reporters Thursday that he didn’t have the slurs to describe his disappointment. “Watching how badly Jaylen [Brown] and Jayson…
Chick-Fil-A DEI Initiative Replaces All Chicken With Copies Of ‘How To Be An Antiracist’
ATLANTA—Urging customers to eat the book cover to cover, a new diversity, equity, and inclusion initiative introduced Thursday by fast food chain Chick-fil-A replaced all chicken with copies of How To Be An Anti-Racist. “In an effort to elevate historically marginalized voices in our country, we have swapped out our…
Emotional Tim Scott Tells Supporters About Time He Was Followed Around Walgreens For Being Republican
CHARLESTON, SC—Opening up on the campaign trail about his personal experiences of overcoming adversity, an emotional Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) told supporters Thursday about a time he was followed through the aisles of a Walgreens just for being Republican. “As soon as I walked in the door, the employees looked me up and…
Industry Leaders Warn That AI Poses ‘Risk Of Extinction’
Scientists and tech industry execs are sounding the alarm about artificial intelligence, writing in a new public statement that fast-evolving AI technology could create as high a risk of killing off humankind as nuclear war and Covid-19-like pandemics. What do you think?
Al Pacino Excited To Spend Life Watching His Baby Grow Up To Be Toddler
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Following reports that the 83-year-old actor was expecting a child with his girlfriend, Al Pacino told reporters Thursday that he was excited to spend his life watching his baby grow up to be a toddler. “I’m going to be there for all of it, from the first smile and laugh, all the way to the first…
Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S.
Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close. Here are some local gay pride celebrations throughout the country.
Must-Read Reflections On Pride Month
June is Pride Month, and with it comes a variety of essays, meditations, and musings on the month’s meaning, as well as on LGBTQ+ history in America writ large. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on Pride Month.
Men Explain What Consent Means
The Onion asked men—the world’s foremost experts on asking permission, listening, and respecting boundaries—what the word consent means, and this is what they said.
Internet Divided Over Video Of Black Cop Shooting White Cop Who Was Choking Out Racist White Woman Who Called Police On Black Teenagers
CHICAGO—Following a widely shared post that sparked debate and confusion among online factions of every stripe, the internet was reportedly divided Thursday over a video that documented a Black cop shooting a white cop for choking out a racist white woman who had just called the police on some Black teenagers. “This…
Guy Who Sucks At Being A Person Sees Huge Potential In AI
SAN MATEO, CA—After spending the past three decades of his life being totally unable and unwilling to engage in any meaningful way with the world around him, James Parker, a local guy who sucks at being a person, told reporters Thursday that he saw huge potential in AI. “While it’s still in its early phase, artificial…
Suspected Russia-Trained Spy Whale Spotted Off Sweden’s Coast
A beluga whale that turned up in Norway wearing a harness in 2019, prompting speculation it was a spy trained by the Russian navy, has reappeared off Sweden’s coast. What do you think?