The Onion

Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 16:51

Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and political gridlock. The Onion looks at the highlights of President Biden’s first year in office.

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M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 16:33

The makers of M&Ms have announced that the candy characters have undergone a makeover that brand executives say better reflects the diverse and nuanced world of their fans, with the green M&M now wearing sneakers instead of white, heeled go-go boots. What do you think?

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Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 16:15

LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing, but goddamn, I’m on one hell of a hot streak,” the Grammy-winning…

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Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 15:40

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want to use a box to stimulate yourself to the point of orgasm, or simply…

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NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 14:50

NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more teams and fandoms into the playoffs this year has been a huge success,…

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‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 11:13

LOS ANGELES—Reassuring himself that he only needed to get through the next week without the actor’s demise to avoid another embarrassing blunder, People magazine editor-in-chief Dan Wakeford admitted Friday that he was sweating bullets after dedicating the upcoming issue to Alan Alda’s 86th birthday. “Obviously,…

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Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 11:06

CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared ice Friday by pouring hot beef drippings onto roads. “In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are working around the clock to clear streets of ice and snow by coating them…

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Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 11:05

CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster that was plundered by British archaeologists during the colonial era. “Dating from 3300 BC,…

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Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-21 09:00

New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer from a communal jar. What do you think?

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Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-20 18:16

Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the virus, in one of the most high-profile corporate reversals since the Supreme Court blocked the Biden administration’s workplace vaccine policy. What do you think?

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Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-20 16:20

WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling personal stock portfolio. “This monumental bill will inject a much-needed and long-overdue stimulus,…

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What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-20 14:55

With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote.

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Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-20 09:00

COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital worker Deborah LaBrunda expressed frustration Thursday while rounding up gurneys that patients had left scattered across the parking lot after failing to put them in the corrals where they belonged. “How…

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Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-20 09:00

DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, but these days, it’s all just dollar stores and…

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U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-20 09:00

The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on a nature preserve in England, making it the largest and most complete fossil of its kind ever to be found in the U.K. What do you think?

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The Onion’s Guide To Wordle

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-19 17:24

Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning questions about Wordle.

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Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-19 17:20

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out on the White House stoop. “Today, with Omicron raging and infection rates…

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Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Operation By Male Surgeon

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-19 15:09

A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when operated on by a male surgeon than a female surgeon, with male surgeons’ “implicit sex biases” pointed out as one possible explanation. What do you think?

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