The Onion

Last Salem Witch Pardoned

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 08:00

Massachusetts lawmakers have formally exonerated Elizabeth Johnson Jr., clearing her name 329 years after she was convicted of witchcraft in 1693 and sentenced to death at the height of the Salem Witch Trials. What do you think?

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Archaeologists Uncover Ancient ‘Big Dog’ Shirt Christ Wore To Sleep In

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 08:00

JERUSALEM—In an astounding find that experts say offers a look at the intimate home life of Jesus of Nazareth, a team of archaeologists announced Wednesday they had uncovered the ancient Big Dog shirt that Christ wore to sleep in. “The discovery of this XL Big Dog shirt that Jesus Christ wore to bed confirms the …

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‘I Said No Gifts!’ Screams Mom As Cloud Of Birthday Presents Begin To Violently Swirl Around Room

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 08:00

HUDSONVILLE, MI—Glaring at the family members who had dared disrespect her wishes, local mother Clarissa Sandona reportedly screamed “I said no gifts!” Wednesday as a cloud of birthday presents began to violently swirl around the room. “I told you I have everything I need,” said Sandona, her hair fluttering in the…

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Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 08:00

NEW YORK—Admitting that they had been working for several years without any discernible success, FBI agents confirmed Wednesday that a local left-wing political group was too disorganized to infiltrate. “We’ve had a few guys in there posing as members and trying to manipulate them into committing acts of violence we…

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CEO Pay Rose 17% Last Year

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 16:00

Pay for CEOs who run the biggest U.S. companies soared 17.1% in 2021, up to a median of $14.5 million. What do you think?

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Gun Laws In Every State

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 13:00

Guns may be legally wed after 16 years of ownership.

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Point/Counterpoint: A Self-Driving Tesla Ran Over My Son vs. Elon Musk Is Revolutionizing The Way We Kill People

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 11:11

By Amy Blevindale

Earlier this year, my family suffered an unimaginable tragedy when we lost my beautiful 5-year-old son Gavin. While out on a walk, Gavin stepped into a crosswalk and was immediately struck and killed by a speeding self-driving Tesla, ending his young, precious life.

Make no mistake, this accident was…

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Company Touts Hire Of 3 Black Women Who Will Stand Next To CEO

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 08:55

NEW YORK—During a press conference Monday in which it touted the success of its diversity initiative, Connex Marketing Solutions introduced the three Black women it had recently hired to stand next to the company’s CEO, Carter Foss. “We are proud to have these three women join our team, flanking our CEO anytime he’s…

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Customer Not Going To Complain In Case He Accidentally Did Order Sandwich With Band-Aid In It

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 08:00

EVANSTON, IL—Sliding the top bun over to examine what he just bit into, local diner Brad Steffers reportedly decided Monday he was not going to complain to his server in case he accidentally did order a sandwich with a Band-Aid in it. “I’m not a big fan of these, especially on sandwiches, but it’s very possible an…

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Eric Adams Announces $4 Billion Budget Increase For NYPD To Fight Ghosts

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 08:00

NEW YORK—In a press conference calling for an end to the persistent scourge on local residents, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced Tuesday a $4 billion budget increase to help the city’s police department fight ghosts. “For too long, these phantoms and wayward spirits have terrorized our citizens and afflicted this…

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Man Wastes Another Gorgeous Day Being Dead

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 08:00

CHICAGO—Despite it being absolutely perfect sunny, 80-degree weather, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Jared Thune wasted yet another gorgeous day being dead. “Come on, man, it feels amazing outside, don’t you think it’s stupid to spend all your time underground in that cramped, dark coffin?” said friend Roy…

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Enron Reopens

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-31 08:00

HOUSTON—Touting the energy company’s reemergence as the right business decision at the right time, Enron announced Tuesday that it was reopening. “We’re excited to be back and we’re looking toward the future,” said Jeffrey Skilling, who will be reassuming his role as CEO to oversee a vast portfolio already spanning…

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Dr. Oz Sells Garcinia Cambogia Supplement Guaranteed To Lower Taxes

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-30 08:00

HARRISBURG, PA—Touting the pill as a “miracle drug” at rallies and in his campaign literature, U.S. Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly began selling garcinia cambogia pills Monday that he said were guaranteed to lower taxes. “Folks, dropping those unwanted, stubbornly high tax rates is easier than ever with a…

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Celebrities Explain How They Are Supporting Abortion Rights

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-30 08:00

After a leaked Supreme Court decision indicated Roe vs. Wade would be overturned, many were shocked and appalled. The Onion asked celebrities how they are supporting legal access to abortion, and this is what they said.

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Scientists Discover Ancient Forest Inside Giant Sinkhole In China

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-30 08:00

Scientists in China have discovered a well-preserved ancient forest at the bottom of a giant sinkhole 630 feet deep with trees more than 100 feet tall that they believe could be home to numerous undiscovered species. What do you think?

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U.S. Navy Issues Thanks To Oceans For Their Assistance Winning WW2

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-30 08:00

NORFOLK, VA—In a star-spangled ceremony honoring the many contributions of the bodies of water to the Allied cause, the U.S. Navy issued formal thanks Monday to the oceans for their decisive assistance in winning World War II. “Without the tide that carried us into battle or the ocean depths to hide our submarines…

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Nation’s Short Bald Guys Announce Plans To Become Unnervingly Ripped

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-30 08:00

WASHINGTON—Furiously lifting weights and flexing their muscles while wearing tight, formfitting shirts, the nation’s short bald guys announced plans Monday to become unnervingly ripped. “Today, we, the short men of America with perfectly shaved heads, pledge to build an obscene amount of muscle that will look insane…

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