The Onion

Senate Republicans Block Domestic Terrorism Prevention Bill

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 15:44

Senate Republicans have blocked a bill designed to combat domestic terrorism by setting up offices to track domestic terrorist activity and identify risks in order to prevent more incidents like the racially motivated mass shooting in Buffalo. What do you think?

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Psychology Fact: Did You Know?

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 13:29
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Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 12:26

After six weeks of constant analysis and content, the verdict is in: We are as a people simply too impatient, stupid, and psychologically stunted to be discussing this trial at all.

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Vatican Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Soul Into Human

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 12:20

VATICAN CITY—In what theologians are describing as a giant step forward in divine surgery, a team of Vatican scientists successfully transplanted a pig soul into a human for the first time in church history, sources within the Holy See reported Friday. “We were in prayer for more than eight hours, but we’re pleased to…

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Desperate Judge Makes Lethal-Injection Drugs In Courthouse Toilet

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 10:27

NASHVILLE, TN—Determined not to let a lack of available substances prevent him from executing an inmate on death row, desperate Tennessee judge Gary Hargreave was reportedly making lethal-injection drugs in a courthouse toilet Friday. “It’s not ideal, but we’re going to execute that guy one way or another,” said…

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The Pros And Cons Of Letting Children Die

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 08:00

America is currently wrestling with the difficult and controversial question of whether it’s worth it to make an effort to keep children alive, not to mention safe, educated, or healthy. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of just letting children die.

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Wayne LaPierre States Mass Shootings Can Be Perfectly Safe When Carried Out By A Trained, Responsible Gun Owner

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 08:00

HOUSTON—Addressing the massacre that occurred at an elementary school in the state only three days earlier, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre told attendees at the organization’s annual meeting Friday that mass shootings could be perfectly safe when carried out by a trained, responsible gun owner. “By…

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NRA Convention Applauds As Gunman Massacres Entire Crowd

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 08:00

HOUSTON—Shouting with glee and jostling each other to get a better spot, the audience at the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting reportedly burst into applause Friday as a gunman massacred the entire crowd. “Woo! Shoot us all!” multiple spectators were heard to yell as the armed assailant, believed to be…

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Woman Suspects Hidden Camera In Public Restroom After Noticing Boom Mic Operator In Corner

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 08:00

PROVO, UT—Sensing something “wasn’t quite right” about the public restroom, local woman Selena Kimball was reportedly suspicious there was a hidden camera present Thursday after noticing a boom mic operator in the corner. “I’m not a paranoid person, but every hair on my body stood up as soon as I heard someone yell…

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Tennessee To Make Public Camping For Homeless A Felony

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-27 08:00

A Tennessee law going into effect July 1 will make camping on local public property a felony, threatening the homeless people who camp in parks with a punishment of up to six years in prison and the loss of voting rights. What do you think?

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Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-26 14:50

UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the…

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Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-26 14:30

UVALDE, TX—In an expression of gratitude for keeping the community’s beloved stretch of asphalt safe, tearful Uvalde residents thanked law enforcement Thursday for protecting Robb Elementary School’s parking lot from a gunman. “To the brave officers who heroically stood outside the school to defend this pavement…

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Hyundai Recalls 239,000 Cars For Exploding Seat Belt Parts

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-26 14:19

Hyundai is recalling 239,000 cars in the U.S., saying the seat belt pretensioners can explode upon deployment and send shrapnel throughout the vehicle, injuring vehicle occupants. What do you think?

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Things People Hate The Most About Public Transportation

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-26 13:05

It’s disgusting to imagine, but Americans take around 10 billion trips on public transit each year. Here are the things that people hate most about public transportation.

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Must-Read Reflections On The Reproductive Rights Battle

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-26 10:36

With more states passing laws that limit or outlaw abortion, a leaked Supreme Court document proposing to overturn Roe v. Wade has prompted a firestorm of debate and controversy. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the…

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