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- USA: AFL-CIO's Shuler: Overturn of Roe v. Wade 'a devastating blow to working women and families'
- Global: World Public Services Day: Ignoring the Demands of Frontline Workers will doom the Covid Recovery
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NASA Reports Receiving Constant Radio Transmissions From Annoying, Desperate Alien
Republican Retracts False Claims Schools Providing Litter Boxes For Furries
Nebraska state lawmaker Bruce Bostelman has apologized after citing a debunked rumor that schools are accommodating children who self-identify as cats by placing litter boxes in bathrooms. What do you think?
‘Elden Ring’: The Official OGN Guide (And How We Beat The Game In Under 30 Minutes)
Elden Ring has sold over 12 million copies in the month since its release, providing gamers with hours upon hours of what passes for enjoyment these days. Gameplay can be tricky, but it’s ultimately rewarding if you follow OGN’s tips and tricks.
Ukrainian Delegate Knows It Dangerous To Eat At Peace Talks, But Brownie Just Too Tempting
ISTANBUL—Stressing that he understood the risks involved in consuming anything offered at the latest round of peace talks, Ukrainian negotiator Mykhailo Podolyak told reporters Thursday that a freshly baked brownie was simply too tempting to pass up. “Obviously we’ve been warned not to touch any of the food or…
Report: Incredible Thrill Of Shooting White Rhino And Watching It Die In Danger Of Extinction
TUCSON, AZ—Urging immediate action to safeguard the fun of killing exotic animals, a report out Thursday from Safari Club International stated that the incredible thrill of shooting a white rhinoceros and watching it die was in danger of extinction. “If we do not act quickly and decisively, our children will never…
U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000%
A Texas-based company that sells “doomsday bunkers” claims that sales have spiked 1,000% for units ranging from $40,000 to a $8.5 million “aristocrat” bunker that fits up to 44 people after Russia invaded Ukraine. What do you think?
Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches
DELHI, LA—Citing state budget cuts and rejected requests for federal aid, Delhi High School officials told reporters Wednesday that the underfunded school now had no choice but to use out-of-date history books as lunches. “Unfortunately, our students will have to consume obsolete texts that were published as far back…
Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy
ORLANDO, FL—Stressing that the experience with the costumed mascot was a “total racket,” local dad Simon Marshall couldn’t believe this week how much Disney World was charging for sex with Goofy. “For a family of five, the amount Disney is asking to plug all Goofy’s holes is borderline extortion,” said Marshall,…
Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses
LOS ANGELES—Quickly amassing young followers in the tens of millions, popular new TikTok influencer Eva Belle just posts videos teaching teens how to tie nooses, sources reported Thursday. “So, I’m using bright yellow today, but you can use whatever color you want,” said the social media personality in a recently…
Kristen Bell: She’s Just Like You! She’s Going Through Your Trash! She's Obsessed With You! She's Going To Kill You And Replace You!
Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant
Chinese authorities forced dozens to quarantine overnight in a hotpot restaurant after a Covid-19 case was detected at the location, a measure in accordance with the country’s policy for rapid lockdowns and other restrictions whenever clusters emerge. What do you think?
Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch
MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. “To be honest, I really don’t know what we’re opposing or supporting…
Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs
Calls advisors to ask if it time to switch to anonymous burner phone.
Ginni Thomas And History’s Most Controversial Political Spouses
Conservative activist Ginni Thomas has come under fire for text messages to then-President Trump’s chief of staff in which she advocates overturning the 2020 election. This has led to questions about whether her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, should recuse himself from election-related cases, or even…
History’s Greatest ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ Player Tragically Born Decades Too Late
DAYTON, OH—Watching him nail routine after routine on a dingy game mat he had found in a box of his parents’ old things, sources confirmed Wednesday that history’s greatest Dance Dance Revolution player, 10-year-old Noah Wilson, had tragically been born decades too late. “It’s truly a shame to witness such an…
Terminal Cancer Wasted On Man Who Was Already Living In The Moment
LEXINGTON, KY—Lamenting that he had squandered a perfectly good case of metastatic colon cancer, local man Josh Talbott told reporters Wednesday that a terminal diagnosis had been wasted on his friend who was already living in the moment. “When the doctors told him he had three months to live, it’s like, whatever, he…
‘This City. These People. All Sheep, And I Am Their Shepherd,’ Says Eric Adams, Looking Out Over New York
NEW YORK—Clasping his hands behind his back and looking out over Manhattan’s iconic skyline, New York mayor Eric Adams was reported to have said, “This city. These people. All sheep, and I am their shepherd,” as he launched into a monologue Wednesday. “I and I alone am the line between order and chaos, guiding toward…
Taylor Swift To Receive Honorary Doctorate From NYU
Taylor Swift will receive an honorary doctorate of fine arts from New York University during a commencement ceremony at Yankee Stadium where she will address graduates of 2022 as well as those unable to have a ceremony due to the pandemic in 2021 and 2020. What do you think?