The Onion

Pounding The Gavel

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-30 06:00
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Venice Hotel Guests Issued Water Guns To Shoot Gulls

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 16:45

Hoteliers in Venice are supplying tourists with water guns to help ward off aggressive seagulls that have become increasingly bold in swooping down to steal food as visitors dine on hotel terraces. What do you think?

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Academy Condemns Will Smith For Most Violent Incident Since Frances McDormand Gunned Down 43 At 1997 Oscars

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 14:08

LOS ANGELES—Announcing that they had opened a formal review of the event in question, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scientists condemned Will Smith Tuesday for the most violent incident since Frances McDormand gunned down 43 people. “The Academy in no way condones Mr. Smith’s actions, which served as a…

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Starving Yemeni Civilians Thank Media For Privacy During Difficult Time

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 14:02

SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. “When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is to have the news media draw attention to you,” said Faraz…

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Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 13:59

The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said.

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Sobriety Completely Changes Way Man Gains Weight

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 08:52

CHICAGO—Opening up about how much different his life is these days, local man Brian Hinsdale told reporters Tuesday that his newfound sobriety had completely changed the way he gains weight. “For years, anytime I started putting on the pounds, it was because of how much beer I was drinking, but now that happens as a…

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Woman Quickly Smashes Plate Over Head So She’ll Have Something To Talk About At Therapy

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 08:50

YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forgot that was today—how is there nothing going on in my social life,…

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McDonald’s Launches $99 Ripoff Menu

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 08:00

CHICAGO—Boasting that it was the absolute worst value of any fast food restaurant in the country, McDonald’s announced Tuesday that the company had launched a $99 ripoff menu. “Starting today, McDonald’s customers can buy all of their favorite classic items, like a quarter pounder with cheese, small fries, or four…

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School’s Active Shooter Drill Includes Part Where Security Guard Practices Fleeing In Terror

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 08:00

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to run the exercise as realistically as possible, officials confirmed Tuesday that the active shooter drill at Canyon Hills High School included a part for the security guard to practice fleeing in terror. “As soon as you hear my signal over the intercom, I want teachers to lock their…

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Microplastics Found In Human Blood For First Time

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-29 08:00

Scientists have detected microplastic pollution in human blood for the first time in a study that found the tiny particles in almost 80% of the people tested, showing that the particles can travel around the body and may lodge in organs. What do you think?

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Putin: J.K. Rowling And Russia Victims Of Western ‘Cancel Culture’

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-28 14:43

Russian president Vladimir Putin delivered a TV address in which he claimed the west is “trying to cancel” his country, comparing the cultural boycott against Russia to J.K. Rowling being “canceled” for her opinions on transgender people. What do you think?

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Lies Russian State Media Is Telling About The War

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-28 13:10

All Russian soldiers who were killed on enemy land are considered traitors.

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Man Pretty Sure Other Person In Laundry Room Has Been Next-Door Neighbor For 12 Years

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-28 12:35

CHICAGO—Noting that the guy looked oddly familiar, local resident Chris Reynolds told reporters that he was pretty sure the other person he saw in his building’s laundry room Monday had been his next-door neighbor for 12 years. “Huh, yeah, I know that guy—I think we’ve lived down the hall from each other for the…

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Uber Will List All NYC Taxis In App

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-28 12:06

Uber has announced it will partner with NYC taxis to list the city’s 13,000 yellow cabs on its app in a deal between the two competing services that comes after the ride-sharing company was hit with driver shortages due to the pandemic. What do you think?

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Wealthy Couple Founds Art Museum To Foster Public Appreciation For How Wealthy They Are

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-28 09:29

LOS ANGELES—In a generous gift intended to enrich the lives of residents and tourists alike, wealthy couple Louise and Richard Morris launched plans Monday to establish an art museum that would foster public appreciation for exactly how wealthy they are. “When Richard and I thought about how to best put our resources…

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Kamala Harris Freezes After Seeing Vice President Position Posted On White House Careers Page

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-28 08:00

WASHINGTON—Wondering if she had missed an email or a meeting that would help explain what was going on, Vice President Kamala Harris froze while at her computer Monday after seeing a listing for the position of Vice President posted on the White House careers page. “There can’t be two vice presidents,” said Harris,…

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