The Onion

‘Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists’ Demands $10 Trillion Or It Will Destroy Earth By Setting Clock To Midnight

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-24 08:00

CHICAGO—Daring world leaders to test its resolve in an address recorded late Wednesday night, the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists announced that if it did not receive $10 trillion in unmarked bills this week it would destroy the Earth by setting its clock to midnight. “Citizens of Earth, we have long served as…

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Dick Cheney Figures Enough Time Has Passed To Go Into Favorite Iraqi Restaurant Again

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-24 08:00

WASHINGTON—Assuming it was all water under the bridge at this point, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Thursday that he figured enough time had passed for him to be able to dine again at his favorite Iraqi restaurant in the D.C. area. “I haven’t been to Sinbad’s in 20 years, but surely by now it…

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Match Launches Dating App For Single Parents

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-24 08:00

Match rolled out a new service called Stir that aims to remove barriers to dating and meet the specific needs of single parents that aren’t typically addressed on mainstream dating apps. What do you think?

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Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-24 08:00

Due to its low taxes, affordable home prices, and strong job market, Texas has become a very appealing place to live for many West Coasters. The Onion asked several people why they moved from California to Texas, and this is what they said.

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Please Like Me

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-24 08:00

It can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I’m the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America, and indeed the world, look to me as a visionary driving technological progress in areas from transportation, to communication, to becoming a multi-planetary species. The kinds of projects I’m involved in…

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U.S. Declares Myanmar Committed Genocide Against Rohingya

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 17:03

The Biden administration has formally declared that Myanmar’s military committed genocide and crimes against humanity against the Rohingya, a determination that human rights groups have been advocating for years. What do you think?

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Disney Opens New Immersive ‘Star Wars’-Themed Gay Conversion Camp

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 14:16

BAY LAKE, FL—Boasting of an exciting new experience for die-hard fans who want to “join the rebellion” against their homosexual desires, Disney announced Wednesday the grand opening of an immersive Star Wars–themed gay conversion camp. “At our new Jedi Cure Center, gays and lesbians of all ages can visit a galaxy far,…

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Biggest Oscar Snubs 2022

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 11:48

The 94th Academy Awards will take place this Sunday, March 27, but not all movie fans are happy with the films, actors, and personnel up for awards this year. The Onion looks at the biggest snubs for the Oscars 2022.

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What To Say If Your Kid Catches You Doing Drugs

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 09:08

Drugs might be a normal and acceptable part of your adult life, but once you’ve taught your kids that drugs are bad, what do you do? If your kid ever catches you getting high, here is what you should say.

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Whimsical NASA Launches Single Balloon Into Outer Space

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 08:58

HOUSTON—Watching from mission control, where they whistled carefree tunes and capered about the room in an improvised, frolicsome dance, whimsical flight directors at NASA confirmed Wednesday they had launched a single balloon into outer space. “T-minus 30 seconds to liftoff of our solitary red balloon, which will…

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Troubling Study Links Childhood Obesity With Increased Risk Of Adult Anime Consumption

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 08:57

NEW YORK—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by scientists at Columbia University’s Irving Medical Center found a troubling link between childhood obesity and an increased risk of adult anime consumption, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our study found that overweight and obese children are far more likely to…

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New Apple Privacy Feature Allows iPhone Users To Silence All Calls From People Who Love Them

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 08:56

CUPERTINO, CA—Noting the feature would come preinstalled on all phones, Apple unveiled a new privacy setting Wednesday that would allow iPhone users to silence all calls from people who love them. “With this update, your phone won’t ring or even notify you that people who deeply care about your mental and emotional…

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David Beckham Hands Over Instagram Account To Ukrainian Doctor

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-23 08:00

Soccer star David Beckham has handed over control of his Instagram account to a doctor in Ukraine as part of a bid to highlight the “amazing work” of medical professionals caring for patients amid Russia’s invasion. What do you think?

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Clarence Thomas Hospitalized With Flu-Like Symptoms

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-22 17:05

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was admitted to the Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington where he is being treated for an infection. Court officials said he plans to still take part in cases despite missing oral arguments. What do you think?

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Senate Republicans Attack Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Lack Of Experience On U.S. Supreme Court

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-22 14:30

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the glaring gap in her record raised serious questions about her fitness for the role, Senate Republicans spent Tuesday’s nomination hearings attacking Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson for her lack of experience on the U.S. Supreme Court. “Judge Jackson, I’m struggling to understand how you expect…

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