The Onion

No-Bullshit Children’s Museum Just Thousands Of Buttons That Light Up When Pressed

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-18 09:00

BOSTON—Hailing the update as a streamlined alternative for overwhelmed families, the newly revamped Boston Children’s Museum announced Friday that it was losing the bullshit by providing visitors with nothing but thousands of buttons that light up when pressed. “Kids and parents alike can cut to the chase and…

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Lies Elected Officials Tell Their Constituents All The Time

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-18 09:00

And they say it with a straight face, too. Disgusting.

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Outdated Sex Ed Curriculum Still Teaches How Boyfriend’s Balls Could Explode If You Don’t Give Him Hand Job

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-18 09:00

GOWRIE, IA—After facing backlash from parents concerned an outdated curriculum was leaving teenagers unprepared for the real world, Castlemount High School administrators confirmed Friday that their sex ed program still taught students that their boyfriend’s balls would explode if they didn’t give him a hand job.…

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U.S. Approves New Headlights That Won’t Blind Oncoming Drivers

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-18 09:00

U.S. vehicles will now be allowed to use advanced headlights known as “adaptive driving beams” that ​​automatically adjust using additional sensors, providing more illumination without a glare to oncoming motorists in order to prevent nighttime crashes. What do you think?

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School Board Conflicts Rage Across The Country

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-18 09:00

Public school boards have lately become a hotbed of controversy, with parents, school officials, and board members squabbling over curriculums, Covid prevention efforts, and more. The Onion looks at the most heated school board conflicts raging across the country.

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Peter Thiel Funding Dating App For Conservatives

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 18:20

Billionaire Peter Thiel has invested $1.5 million into launching a dating app called The Right Stuff, which caters to conservatives who have complained about finding themselves excluded from dating circles in large cities where liberals tend to live. What do you think?

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How To Eat Healthy In Just 3 Bites

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 15:15

Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.

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Painted Rocksnail Knows It Really Fucked If Animal As Cute As Koala Now Endangered

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 15:02

WOLF CREEK, AL—Reacting with dismay to news that the beloved marsupial faced an extinction threat, a member of the painted rocksnail species of mollusks told reporters Thursday it was really fucked if an animal as cute as a koala had become endangered. “I’ve just got to face reality here and own up to the fact that if…

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Study Finds Best Marker Of Desirability Still Wet Finger Making Sizzle Sound When Touched To Leg

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 11:21

BALTIMORE—Confirming the indicator remains a constant across the diverse range of human sexuality, a new study released Thursday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best marker of desirability was still a wet finger making a sizzle sound when touched to a person’s leg. “This new data reinforces prior findings…

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Rank And Defile

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 11:19
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Boar’s Head Unveils New Funfetti Birthday Ham

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 09:00

SARASOTA, FL—In a statement that confirmed customers turning a year older could now blow out their candles on a slab of cured meat, delicatessen supplier Boar’s Head announced Thursday that supermarkets nationwide would soon begin offering its all-new Funfetti Birthday Ham. “Make this birthday one to remember with a…

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San Francisco Police Department Accused Of Using Rape Kit DNA To Arrest Victim For Unrelated Crime

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 09:00

San Francisco police used DNA collected as part of a rape exam to link a woman to a property crime, a practice which critics claim violates her constitutional rights and will deter victims of sexual assault from coming forward. What do you think?

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Signs You May Be Addicted To Sex

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-17 09:00

Addiction is totally normal when it comes to drugs and alcohol, but if you find yourself having sex on a regular basis, you might have a problem. Here are some of the biggest signs you may be addicted to sex.

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Thousands Of Priest’s Baptisms Rendered Invalid For Using Wrong Word

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 18:11

A priest resigned earlier this month after his diocese discovered the baptisms he held over two decades were invalid because he had changed a single word while performing the sacrament. What do you think?

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Man Hides Engagement Ring In Piece Of Cheese So Girlfriend Will Take It Without A Fuss

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 14:35

WATERLOO, IA—Carefully preparing the morsel so it would appear appetizing and not arouse suspicion, local man Brendan McHenry reportedly hid an engagement ring inside a piece of cheese Wednesday so his girlfriend, Abby Shuster, would take it without making too much of a fuss. “Does Abby want a piece of cheese? Does…

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Patient A Little Disappointed He’s Not Getting Treated By Dentist Whose Name Is On Sign

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 14:35

LYNCHBURG, VA—Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, local patient Rhys Barbin was reportedly a little disappointed Wednesday that he wasn’t getting treated by the dentist whose name was on the sign. “I’m sure this woman—I think her name is like Dr. Watts or something—is perfectly fine, but…

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