The Onion

Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-18 14:25

Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.

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Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-18 08:00

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson will travel to the edge of space next week on Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket, making it the company’s fourth spaceflight with human passengers. What do you think?

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Benefits Of Making Daylight-Saving Time Permanent

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-18 08:00

The U.S. Senate approved a bill Tuesday that would make daylight-saving time permanent starting in 2023. The Onion looks at the benefits of this legislation.

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Oscar Mayer Introduces New Filter-Tip Hot Dogs For Healthier Meat-Eating Experience

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-18 08:00

CHICAGO—Promising customers a better, safer wiener, Oscar Mayer introduced a new line of filter-tip hot dogs Friday to provide what it described as a healthier meat-eating experience. “Light and smooth, just the way you like it, your favorite hot dog brand now comes in filter-tip varieties—pick up a pack today and see…

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Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-18 08:00

HOUSTON—After an extensive study undertaken over the past two years, a new report published Friday by Rice University concluded that secretly watching the NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament at work was way less fun while working remotely. “The vast majority of respondents shared that most of the fun of watching…

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Dog Could At Least Try To Act Like It Cared About Ukraine

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-18 08:00

CHICAGO—Noting that the dog had failed to even acknowledged the devastating international conflict, local man Justin Chang told reporters Friday that his American pit bull terrier could at least try to act like he cared about Ukraine. “Uh, I don’t know if Petunia has heard, but Russia is waging an illegal war and…

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Easy 3 Ingredients

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 16:11
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U.S. Senate Approves Bill To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 15:37

The U.S. Senate has unanimously passed a measure that would make daylight saving time permanent starting in 2023, ending the twice-annual changing of clocks in a move promoted by supporters advocating brighter afternoons and more economic activity. What do you think?

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Americans Celebrate 4th Consecutive Victory Over Covid

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 15:15

WASHINGTON—Gathering with family and friends to mark another effective return to normality, Americans were reportedly celebrating their fourth consecutive victory over Covid on Thursday. “Defeating the virus just once would have been enough for us, but four consecutive wins? What a treat!” said 53-year-old…

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What To Say If You Want To Dump Your Therapist

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 15:15

Breaking up with your therapist can be incredibly difficult, and it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some helpful ways to break the news, and tell them that it’s time for you to get help from someone new.

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Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 14:00

MOSCOW—Surveying his accomplishments in the past month with evident satisfaction, Vladimir Putin reportedly grew pleased Thursday as his plot to ruin the Russian economy and destroy its international standing went exactly to plan. “It’s incredible that in a few short weeks, my goal to tank the ruble and humiliate the…

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The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About The Ukraine Conflict

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 12:56

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has led to a deluge of claims made by politicians, the media, and social media users, many of which do not stand up to scrutiny. The Onion fact-checks claims made about the conflict in Ukraine.

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George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 12:20

SANTA FE, NM—Insisting that he simply wanted a clear timeline for when the freelancer might finish work on the next installment in A Song Of Ice And Fire, George R.R. Martin reportedly sent an email to his ghostwriter Jeffrey Goldman Thursday to press him on what was taking so long with The Winds Of Winter. “Hey Jeff,…

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‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bitten

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 10:29

CHICAGO—Rolling his window down cautiously for the curbside delivery, local UberEats driver Varban Jindrak was overheard Wednesday telling a customer, “Easy, good boy,” as he attempted to hand the man his food without getting bitten. “You’re a hungry fellow, aren’t you? Now, now—just calm down, and I’ll give you your…

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National Air And Space Museum Acquires Rock Local Teen Threw Really, Really High One Time

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 10:28

WASHINGTON—Promoting the object as an iconic piece of aeronautics history, the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum announced Thursday it had acquired a rock that local teenager Tyler Trenary threw really, really high one time. “The rock that Tyler threw must have gone, like, 25, maybe 30, feet in the air,…

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Watchdog Warns Nearly Every Food Brand In U.S. Owned By Handful Of Companies, Which In Turn Are Controlled By Newman’s Own

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 10:25

WASHINGTON—Calling for a full-scale Federal Trade Commission investigation into the sauce and salad dressing brand, the American Antitrust Institute issued a report Thursday warning that nearly every food brand in the United States was owned by a handful of companies, which in turn were controlled by Newman’s Own.…

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Asteroid Impacts Earth 2 Hours After Being Discovered

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-17 08:00

A 10-foot-wide asteroid recently struck the Earth north of Iceland within hours of its discovery by astronomers, generating a blast equal to3,000 tons of exploding TNT and making it only the fifth asteroid ever observed in space before striking the Earth. What do you think?

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