The Onion

People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-18 11:02

The most catastrophic pandemic in a generation, Covid-19 has left many millions dead and even more infected. Could those who have managed to avoid the virus provide us with clues to how we might contain such pathogens in the future? The Onion asked those who haven’t had the virus to explain how they avoided it for…

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Febreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough Odors

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-18 08:00

CINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing a new rotting rat carcass Wednesday for covering up tough odors. “Whether you’re dealing with an overflowing trash can or a noxious bathroom, Febreze’s new line of bloated, dead rats will cover up that…

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Johnny Depp Loses All Support After Fans Realize They’ve Been Confusing Him For Orlando Bloom

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-18 08:00

FAIRFAX, VA—As his contentious defamation trial stretched into its sixth week, leading man Johnny Depp reportedly lost all support from those following the proceedings after fans realized Wednesday that they had been confusing him for actor Orlando Bloom. “Oh gross, it’s fucking Willy Wonka? That’s who we’ve been…

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Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-18 08:00

CHICAGO—In keeping with his responsibility to ensure only the ideal clientele were permitted entry, Tempo Bar’s kindhearted bouncer Felix Maddsen reportedly let everyone into the club last night for being hot in their own special way. “You may not have a flawless figure or wear expensive clothes, but I can tell you’re…

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Judges Rule Calling Men ‘Bald’ Constitutes Sexual Harassment

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-18 08:00

An all-male panel of judges in the U.K. has ruled that commenting on a man’s baldness is a form of sex discrimination or sexual harassment, saying that since baldness is more prevalent in men, commenting on it in the workplace is equivalent to remarking on the size of a woman’s breasts. What do you think?

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Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 15:21

A new report claims the Earth has a 50-50 chance of temporarily reaching a global warming threshold by 2026, with temperatures rising more than 1.5 degrees celsius, an indicator of the point at which climate impacts will become increasingly harmful for people and the rest of the planet. What do you think?

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Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 14:55

SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory that had been closed for decades. “As I stand here in this shuttered…

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Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 13:50

WASHINGTON—Sending members of Congress ducking under their seats and covering their ears, the U.S. Capitol building was reportedly placed on lockdown Tuesday after a deranged man entered the Senate chamber with gun control measures. “It was terrifying—apparently he had written up hundreds and hundreds of pages…

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L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged Tuesday to provide emergency housing for residents who had spotted a homeless guy in their neighborhood. “Starting today, the City of Los Angeles will provide both temporary and permanent shelter to…

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Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 13:00

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann reportedly lifted his helmet Tuesday to sneak a quick forbidden gulp of space air. “I know I’m not supposed to, but I just can’t resist,” the NASA astronaut said during a routine spacewalk to repair one of the…

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Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 13:00

KANSAS CITY, MO—Bringing the flame closer to the strange markings scrawled on the sheet before him, local dad Joe Kurinsky reportedly read a restaurant menu with a candle Friday like an archaeologist deciphering the runes of an ancient, forgotten language. The 56-year-old father of three, as though translating…

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Jeer Leader

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 11:12
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‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 08:00

NORMAN, OK—Assuring the man it was “all routine,” local registered nurse Danielle Fitzpatrick reportedly told a patient, “There’s a razor on the sink,” Tuesday while pointing him toward the bathroom where he could fill up a cup with blood. “It may be difficult to get it all into the cup, but do your best and we’ll…

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Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 08:00

Scientists have grown plants for the first time in lunar soil brought back to Earth by Apollo astronauts over 50 years ago, calling it an important step towards making long-term stays on the moon possible one day. What do you think?

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Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-17 08:00

Giving up on your dreams isn’t always as pathetic as it sounds! Here are things no one tells you about moving back to your hometown as an adult.

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New York City Mayor Signs Law Requiring Job Postings To Include Minimum And Maximum Salary

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 15:25

New York City mayor Eric Adams signed the Salary Disclosure Law, which makes it illegal to post any job listing that doesn’t include the minimum and maximum salary offered for the position, in order to provide greater transparency for job seekers. What do you think?

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