The Onion

Hidden Valley Unveils 2-Carat Lab-Grown Diamond Made From Ranch Seasoning

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-15 08:00

Salad dressing maker Hidden Valley had a lab-grown two-carat diamond made out of ranch seasoning to celebrate National Ranch Day, with the seasoning heated to 2,500 degrees celsius and crushed under 400 tons of pressure to create the stone, which will be auctioned off. What do you think?

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Facebook To Permit Posts Calling For Violence Against Russia, Death Of Putin

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 15:56

According to leaked emails, Meta will temporarily change its hate speech policy to allow Facebook and Instagram users in some countries to call for violence against Russians and the death of Vladimir Putin in the context of the Ukraine invasion. What do you think?

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Tax Loopholes The IRS Doesn’t Want You To Know About

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 13:30

This tax season, don’t get overcharged like a poor person and swindled out of your hard-earned money. Here are the biggest tax loopholes that the IRS doesn’t want you to know about.

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The Boys In The Ban

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 10:36
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Metallica Threatens To Pull Music From Spotify Unless Company Increases Executive Salaries

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 10:35

SAN FRANCISCO—Offering harsh criticism for a streaming platform that has often faced charges of unfair compensation, Metallica announced Monday that it would remove its music from Spotify unless the company immediately increased the salaries of all high-level executives. “Frankly, we can no longer stay silent and…

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Inmate’s Last Words Hurt Warden’s Feelings

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 10:33

WHITE PINE COUNTY, NV—Saying their final interaction was frankly a low blow and felt unnecessarily harsh, warden Dwayne McFadden of Ely State Prison told reporters Monday that an inmate’s last words had hurt his feelings. “Look, I get it, he’s probably feeling a lot of anger and emotions as he’s about to die, but…

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Scientists Report Blue Jays Mate For Life But That’s Like, What, 7 Years, So Who Gives A Shit

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 10:32

ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the mating behavior of the bird species native to eastern North America, scientists at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology reported Monday that blue jays mate for life, but that’s like, what, seven years, so who gives a shit? “While blue jays have one partner for their entire life span,…

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Deepak Chopra Explains That Divinity Can Be Found Even Within The Random Bullshit He Makes Up

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 10:31

NEW YORK—Expounding upon the immutable, transcendental beauty of the universe, bestselling author and New Age guru Deepak Chopra told reporters Monday that divinity can be found even within the random bullshit he’s always making up. “When you quiet yourself, open your heart, and really listen, you can find…

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U.S. Man Caught Smuggling 52 Lizards And Snakes At Mexico Border

The Onion - Mon, 2022-03-14 08:00

Authorities have arrested an American man at the U.S.-Mexico border trying to sneak nine snakes and 43 horned lizards into the country, with the animals tied up in small bags concealed in the man’s jacket, pants pockets, and groin area. What do you think?

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Study: Even Mild Covid Linked To Brain Shrinkage, Cognitive Decline

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 17:14

A new study out of England has found that even mild cases of Covid-19 are associated with subtle tissue damage, accelerated losses in brain regions tied to the sense of smell, and a slower ability to process information. What do you think?

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Most Popular Local Dish In Every State

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 12:00

The Onion provides an in-depth guide to local delicacies across the country, examining the unsavory, indigestible, and beloved dishes that would make anyone with functioning taste buds puke.

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Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 11:30

CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setting fire to crime scene evidence. “Prices have soared far past $4…

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Drunkenly Wearing Lampshade On Head Less Fun When Alone

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 09:00

MIAMI—Saying the brief delight wore off as quickly as it had started, visibly drunk local man Max Soylu, 25, told reporters Friday that wearing a lampshade on one’s head is less fun when alone. “You know, this feels a lot different when there’s no one pointing at me and laughing,” said Soylu, observing that the energy…

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Giant Parachuting Spiders Expected To Blanket East Coast

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 09:00

According to researchers, a large, invasive species of spider native to Japan called Joros are expected to “colonize” the entire East Coast this spring, partly due to the arachnid’s ability to survive colder temperatures and travel up to 100 miles through the wind by forming parachutes out of their webs. What do you

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Desperate Olympic Committee Attempts To Increase Viewership By Adding Skinny-Dipping To 2024 Games

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 09:00

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In the wake of two straight Olympics with record-low TV ratings, an increasingly desperate International Olympic Committee announced plans Friday to increase viewership by adding skinny-dipping to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris. “As times and tastes change, the Olympics are no different, which…

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Mother Of Bride Going Hog-Wild With Short Blessing She Allowed To Give During Secular Wedding

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 09:00

MINNEAPOLIS—Caught off guard by the sudden intensity with which she launched into the only liturgical part of the ceremony, attendees at a local wedding reported this week that the mother of the bride was going absolutely hog-wild with the short blessing she was allowed to give during the otherwise secular nuptials.…

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Carnival Cruise Lines Turns 50

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-11 09:00

The first Carnival Cruise Lines ship set sail on March 11, 1972, ushering in an era of modern-day luxury cruise liners that have generated their share of headlines over the years. The Onion looks at highlights in the history of Carnival Cruise Lines on its 50-year anniversary.

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