The Onion

Actresses Up For Madonna Biopic Must Do ‘Grueling’ Boot Camp

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 17:24

Contenders in the running to play Madonna in a new biopic directed and cowritten by the performer are facing “grueling” training to land the part, which includes putting in 11-hour days working with Madonna’s choreographer. What do you think?

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U.S. Condemns Russian Bombing Of Hospital As Horrific Act That Any World Power Could Theoretically Commit

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 16:53

WASHINGTON—Speaking out Thursday against an atrocity that officials noted is a hypothetical outcome whenever an airstrike is conducted, the United States condemned the Russian bombing of a Ukrainian hospital as a horrific act that any world power could theoretically commit. “The shelling of a medical facility is a…

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Companies That Have Stopped Operating In Russia Over The Ukraine Invasion

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 15:50

With the United States imposing strict sanctions, many American companies are feeling more and more pressure to cut off ties with Russia. Here are several corporations that have stopped operating in Russia because of their invasion of Ukraine.

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Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 13:55

HOUSTON—As many companies reassessed their presence in the nation following its invasion of Ukraine, restaurant chain Fuddruckers announced Thursday that it was pursuing a golden market opportunity by opening 1,000 new locations in Russia. “Running a successful business is a matter of identifying a window of…

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Texas Bans Consensual Sex

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 13:54

AUSTIN, TX—Joined by Republicans from the state legislature in a highly publicized ceremony, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Thursday banning consensual sex. “I’m proud to sign this bill into law today making all consensual sexual acts punishable by a minimum of 10 years in prison,” said Abbott, who was…

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The Onion’s Spring 2022 TV Preview

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 12:00

The nation’s roughly 3 trillion networks and streaming services have unveiled their spring TV lineups, bringing highly publicized debuts and new seasons of beloved shows to homes across the country. The Onion runs down the most anticipated programming of spring 2022.

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Starbucks Fights Unionization Effort By Hiring Pinkertons To Order Exhausting, Hyper-Specific Drinks

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 09:00

BUFFALO, NY—In a dramatic escalation by the coffee chain’s executives, Starbucks reportedly began fighting employee efforts to unionize this week by hiring the Pinkerton agency to enter stores en masse and order exhausting, hyper-specific drinks. A representative from the Pinkertons who spoke on condition of anonymity…

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Volunteers Rush To Clean Up Glistening Hunks After Massive Baby Oil Spill

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 09:00

MIAMI—Descending on the most heavily impacted shorelines in a desperate effort to contain the damage, volunteers rushed to the Florida coast to clean up the glistening hunks found lying on the beach after a massive baby oil spill, sources confirmed Thursday. “Some of these poor studs are absolutely shimmering in all…

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Governor Signs Legislation Making College Tuition-Free

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 09:00

Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham (D-NM) has signed the New Mexico Opportunity Scholarship Act, which waives tuition for students attending any in-state public school or tribal college, including community colleges. What do you think?

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Consumer Protection Bureau Fines Curio Shop That Disappeared Hours After Unloading Haunted Talisman

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-10 09:00

WASHINGTON—Cracking down on what the agency deemed a widespread deceitful practice, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau fined a local curio shop Thursday that allegedly disappeared mere hours after unloading a haunted talisman. “We became aware of the situation after a handful of customers who bought enchanted…

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McDonald’s, Starbucks Leaving Russia

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-09 17:59

McDonald’s and Starbucks are shutting down their restaurants and cafés in Russia, and Coca-Cola is suspending its operations there in response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?

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Desperate Americans Violently Fight Over Oil-Covered Bird

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-09 14:45

GULF SHORES, MS—Sprinting down the beach while the confused animal squawked, flapped its wings, and attempted to flee, Americans who were desperate to find cheap fuel Wednesday reportedly fought tooth and nail over an oil-covered bird. “Give me that—it’s mine, do you hear me, it’s mine!” yelled hundreds of U.S.…

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Heroic Bystander Talks Knife-Wielding Man Down To Fistfight

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-09 11:50

NEW YORK—In what witnesses described as an act of selfless bravery, a heroic bystander talked a knife-wielding man down to a fistfight, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, man, why don’t you put the knife down and settle this thing with just your fists,” the courageous passerby was heard to say when he spotted a man…

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How The Russian Invasion Of Ukraine Will Impact The Global Economy

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-09 09:00

The International Monetary Fund recently warned that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and the economic sanctions imposed on Russia by countries around the world will have a “severe impact on the global economy.” The Onion looks at the most consequential effects of the Russian invasion on the global economic forecast.

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Florida Researchers Building Machine To Test Future Of Mega Hurricanes

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-09 09:00

Florida researchers are building a $12.8 million hurricane simulator to study the disastrous effects of hurricanes on U.S. infrastructure in a hangar-sized chamber able to recreate storm surges and winds of up to 200 mph to prepare for worsening conditions due to climate change. What do you think?

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FDA Warns Americans To Take That Out Of Their Mouth This Instant

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-09 09:00

SILVER SPRING, MD—Speaking in a stern tone and wagging a finger, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Robert Califf made an announcement Wednesday in which he warned Americans to take that out of their mouths this instant. “That’s dirty, you can’t have that—spit it out, I said spit it out right now!” said Califf,…

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