The Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 11:00

BUFFALO, NY—In the hours following a violent rampage in upstate New York in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured three others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…

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CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

NEUCHATEL, SWITZERLAND—In a damning indictment of the agency’s own social graces, the CIA came under intense scrutiny Monday after officials declassified a report detailing the foreign intelligence service’s use of abusive etiquette coaches in previously undisclosed black site finishing schools.

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Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate…

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Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

BOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the nation’s elderly announced Friday an ambitious and far-reaching new plan to be sad and lonely all the time. “Moving forward, we intend to be extremely depressed every second of every day with no one to turn to…

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Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

Burglaries are easily preventable, especially if you have a gun. Here are things robbers always look for when casing a house.

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Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA—In an effort to create a more relaxed and safe environment for himself and the other customers, a local barber reportedly sedated a nervous man Monday before his haircut. “He seemed like he might start biting people, so this just made it easier for everyone,” said Reggie Allen, the owner of…

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Every Radio Station In Rural Area Playing Same Stupid Emergency Tornado Warning

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

SLAPOUT, OK—Bemoaning the complete lack of cultural diversity in the barren stretch of prairie, sources confirmed Monday that every radio station in rural Oklahoma was playing the same stupid emergency tornado warning. “How are these hicks not bored out of their skulls hearing nothing but these dumb weather…

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James Cromwell Glues Hand To Starbucks Counter To Protest Surcharge For Plant-Based Milk

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-16 08:00

Eighty-two-year-old Succession actor and activist James Cromwell super-glued his hand to a midtown Manhattan Starbucks counter in a PETA-organized protest denouncing the coffee chain’s extra charge for plant-based milk. What do you think?

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Biden Administration Capping Cost of Internet For Low-Income Americans

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 14:31

The White House has announced it will partner with internet providers to lower the cost of high-speed internet plans for 48 million low-income Americans, providing plans of at least 100 Megabits per second of speed for no more than $30. What do you think?

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Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 14:20

PENSACOLA, FL—Remarking upon what he called the “unbelievable laziness” of American women, a local man reported Friday that he simply could not understand why mothers facing the nationwide baby formula shortage wouldn’t just feed their infants breast meat. “That’s what you have them for, right? You can get several…

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Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 11:15

BOCA RATON, FL—In a feat stunned observers called “miraculous” and “inspiring,” courageous passenger Erica Spencer, 36, reportedly provided emergency beverage service Thursday after the sole flight attendant fell ill on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Boston. “You could tell she was really scared—her hands…

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What You Need To Know About Microplastics

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 11:10

Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people’s health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics.

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How To Survive A Nuclear Attack

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 09:00
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Passenger With No Flight Experience Lands Plane After Pilot Becomes Incapacitated

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 08:00

A passenger with no flying experience managed to successfully land a small plane in Florida with the help of an air traffic controller after the pilot became “incoherent” following a medical emergency. What do you think?

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Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 08:00

No, it’s not because of you. While all your friends may be abandoning you to move to smaller towns, it’s part of a nationwide trend. Here are the top reasons why Americans are leaving big cities.

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Respectful Bear Waiting To Attack Tent Until Couple Inside Finishes Fight

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 08:00

FAIRBANKS, AK—Saying the pair sounded as if they were going through enough as it was, a respectful grizzly bear told reporters Friday that he was waiting to attack a tent until the couple inside had finished their fight. “I don’t want to make anything worse by barging in and mauling them while they’re in the middle of…

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Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 08:00

CHICAGO—Finding that a majority of men are likely to experience some form of it during their lifetime, a study published Friday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association concluded that over 60% of men will suffer from male-pattern head loss. “A condition that afflicts around 3 in 5 men, male-pattern head loss…

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Plan B Unveils Emergency Team Of Brawny Men To Shake Down Impregnator For Abortion Money

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 08:00

PITTSBURGH—In what is being hailed as a revolutionary advancement in women’s reproductive healthcare, Foundation Consumer Brands, the maker of Plan B One-Step, held a press conference Friday to introduce its new emergency team of brawny men who shake down impregnators for abortion money. “Our latest birth control…

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Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-13 08:00

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that he droned on about “futures” and “potentials” during his address at their college graduation Friday, students at the University of Southern California reported that their commencement speaker was some rando who had pioneered lifesaving medical research. “I assumed they’d have someone like…

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