The Onion

Apple Discontinuing iPod After 21 Years

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 14:40

Apple has announced that it is discontinuing the iPod, which debuted in 2001 as the first MP3 player capable of storing 1,000 songs, the product now considered redundant as later versions increasingly resembled smartphones with similar features. What do you think?

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Tom Brady’s Announcing Deal Includes Incentives For Number Of Verbs Used

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 14:39

LOS ANGELES—Additional details released Thursday regarding Tom Brady’s 10-year, $375 million announcing deal with Fox Sports revealed the seven-time Super Bowl champion’s contract includes incentives based on the number of verbs he uses. “Performance bonuses are necessary to land an announcer of Tom’s caliber, which…

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How To Make Strawberry Boba

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 13:34
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Google Maps Adds Shortcuts Through Houses Of People Google Knows Aren’t Home Right Now

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 08:00

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as an efficient way for users to reach their destinations faster, Google Maps announced Thursday its service would now suggest shortcuts through the houses of people Google knows aren’t home at the moment. “With this update, most destinations will offer the option to select…

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Study Finds Only 2% Of Americans Can Draw Cool Flames

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 08:00

PITTSBURGH—Fears that the U.S. education system was growing increasingly lame were confirmed Thursday when an alarming study by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that only 2% of the nation’s population can draw cool flames. “Among our frankly disturbing findings was that 98 in 100 Americans have…

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Disrobing Austrian Man Asks World To Give Themselves Over To Pleasure

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 08:00

MÜRZZUSCHLAG, AUSTRIA—Speaking at a press conference held at resort high in the Semmering Pass, Austrian man Fritz Hörbiger reportedly asked the world to give themselves over to pleasure Thursday while slowly disrobing. “Please, I ask you to hear me out and surrender to fleshly delight,” said the Austrian…

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Surprising Benefits McDonald’s Workers Get In Denmark

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 08:00

McDonald’s workers in America would flip if they ever got a break long enough to read this. Here are the most surprising benefits that McDonald’s employees get in Denmark.

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1,000-Year-Old Cave Carvings Of Mysterious Giant Humanoids Discovered In Alabama

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-12 08:00

Researchers discovered a large collection of Native American cave art carvings in Alabama using 3D scanning technology to reveal thousands of carvings, including life-size anthropomorphs thought to possibly represent supernatural beings of the underworld. What do you think?

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Study: 93% Of Districts In Major U.S. Cities Unaffordable To Black Residents

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 16:38

A new study has found that 93% of neighborhoods in America’s major cities were unaffordable to the majority of local Black residents, while the majority of affordable zip codes were “low-opportunity” neighborhoods. What do you think?

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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 12:10

The Onion: Are you going to honestly answer any question we ask in this interview?

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PetSmart Unveils New Waterboarding Kit For Teaching Cats To Stay Off Counters

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 11:45

PHOENIX—Touting the product as an easy and effective way to train animal companions, PetSmart unveiled a new waterboarding kit Wednesday for teaching cats to stay off counters. “They say you can’t train a cat, but we at PetSmart guarantee this is one behavioral conditioning method your little kitty will never forget,”…

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Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 09:50

An abortion-rights protest over the weekend at Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh’s home stoked controversy over whether it’s appropriate to protest a public official’s policies at their private residence. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of protesting at politicians’ homes.

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‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 08:00

RANCHO PALOS VERDES, CA—Commenting on the many “interesting choices” for the special day, local mother Patricia Kenny announced Wednesday that “at least you had fun” in the most devastating takedown of her daughter’s wedding yet. “You know, honey, it’s definitely not how I would have wanted to celebrate the biggest…

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Study Finds Thanking Veterans For Their Service Immediately Triggers PTSD

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 08:00

NEW YORK—Confirming the practice to be the single-most common cause for inducing symptoms of the mental health condition, a Deloitte study released Wednesday found that thanking military veterans for their service immediately triggers their PTSD. “Post-traumatic stress disorder is an under-studied phenomenon, but…

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Nationwide Baby Formula Shortage Worsening

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 08:00

Nearly 40% of popular baby formula brands are sold out at retailers across the U.S. due to an increase in demand and a recent recall from one of the country’s biggest infant formula plants. What do you think?

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‘I’m From Michigan, Too,’ Says Man Hitting It Off With Locally Grown Lettuce

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-11 08:00

CHICAGO—Reportedly hitting it off with a fellow native of the Great Lakes State he bumped into Wednesday, area man Dan McAdams was overheard saying, “I’m from Michigan, too!” when he encountered a package of lettuce grown in the state. “That’s crazy! I’m from Benton Harbor—what about you?” asked McAdams, 62, beaming…

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‘New York Times’ Drops ‘Fetus’ As Wordle Solution

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 15:53

The New York Times has removed the word “fetus” from Monday’s Wordle answers in a bid to keep the popular online game “distinct from the news” after last week’s leaked Roe v. Wade supreme court draft ruling, ultimately causing confusion as it was only implemented for some of the game’s players. What do you think?

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Missouri Welcomes Women Unable To Get Arrested For Abortion In Home State

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 14:42

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pledging to remain a haven for residents of surrounding states if Roe v. Wade is overturned, Gov. Mike Parson announced Tuesday that Missouri will welcome any and all abortion seekers who travel there from their home state in order to get arrested. “We’re ready to welcome these abortion seekers with…

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