A central Indiana man accused of murdering his wife and dumping her body in a creek in March has advanced in a Republican primary election for township board, winning close to 22% of the total 276 votes, while awaiting trial in jail. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that alleged the party would receive money in exchange for taking a dive, a bombshell report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that Democrats were conspiring with their bookie to deliberately throw the 2022 midterms. “The evidence appears increasingly clear that…
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to dispel long-standing misconceptions surrounding aviation safety, researchers at the University of Virginia released a comprehensive new study Tuesday that determined flying on an airplane is far safer than flying in a car. “While fear of airplanes remains common among the American…
LONDON—Describing the initiative as its most far-reaching contribution yet to the climate fight, multinational oil company Shell announced plans Tuesday to plant a single tree for every irreversible planet-wide disaster it causes. “We want to become part of the solution, and that’s why we’re proud to unveil our new…
NAPERVILLE, IL—Addressing members of the household from a front yard lectern, local dad Jim Martin delivered his annual state of the lawn speech Tuesday, according to reports from those in attendance. “Honey, kids, I am promising you right now, this year will bring a fuller, greener, and more robust lawn for everybody…
In today’s gig economy, rideshare drivers receive zero protections but are forced to risk their lives for customers. The Onion asked drivers to describe their worst experience, and this is what they said.
Louisiana lawmakers have advanced a bill that would abolish abortion in the state, grant constitutional rights to “all unborn children from the moment of fertilization,” and classify abortion as a homicide crime. What do you think?
KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the series perfect for the cable network’s lineup of real estate and home improvement shows, HGTV president Jane Latman announced Monday the launch of a new program that sends a couple to old houses around the country to call them disgusting. “Every week, our fun and engaging hosts Curt and Kelly…
WASHINGTON—After reporting a sharp rise in the risky behavior, the American Pharmacists Association held a press conference Monday to warn patients not to share their prescription drugs with anyone who wouldn’t do the same for them. “It’s important never to give any of your prescribed medications to another person…
MANDEVILLE, LA—Shining his flashlight into the driver’s face and feigning surprise as he “discovered” the incriminating evidence, a Louisiana police officer planted an aborted fetus on a Black suspect whom he subsequently arrested, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh ho, ho, ho! Look what we have here—you mind telling me…
“Free speech is getting to say the N-word, or any racial slur, without fear of demonization or persecution.”
A new study has found that moms actually take on more housework when their salary exceeds their husband’s, with the weekly amount of housework for fathers decreasing from their average of seven hours per week, while mothers’ housework starts increasing from 14 hours per week as her salary begins to eclipse her…
CLEVELAND—Revealing that he had seen the same old thing happen over and over again, longtime farmers market vendor Bruce Spelman told reporters this week that he knew the enthusiasm for the new jam guy would eventually fade. “Yes, yes, they all fawn over the newcomer for a week or two, but soon the novelty of…
TOPEKA, KS—Gathering to commemorate the loss of the family matriarch, relatives of local deceased woman Barbara King, 87, reportedly came to terms with their grandmother’s death Monday by accepting the fact that she totally sucked. “Sharing photos and stories about Grandma Babs has been an important part of the…