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Putin Tells Girlfriend He Was Hit With Sanctions On Condoms
MOSCOW—Pausing their foreplay to haphazardly look around for a prophylactic, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly told his girlfriend Thursday that he has been hit with serious sanctions on condoms. “I’m sorry, babe, these sanctions keep getting more and more extreme,” said the longtime leader currently in the…
Democrats Demand Recount After Insisting They Lost Race For Mayor Of Jacksonville
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Stunned and outraged by the results of the Jacksonville mayoral race, Florida Democrats reportedly demanded a recount Thursday after insisting they lost the election. “The Democratic Party condemns our victory, and rest assured, we will not let it stand,” said Mayor-elect Donna Deegan, who confirmed…
New TSA+ Program Allows Members To Pat Down Any Other Travelers They Want
SPRINGFIELD, VA—Saying the program represented a significant value for frequent fliers, Transportation Security Administration officials announced Friday the debut of TSA+, a service that allows its members to pat down any of their fellow air travelers standing in the security line. “Once you’ve paid the $79…
The Dark Side Of Murder: 5 Terrible Things About Murder The Murder Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know About
Man Who Didn’t Pull Out Rushes To CVS To Also Impregnate Pharmacist
CHICAGO—In a full-blown panic just moments after realizing he had ejaculated inside of his girlfriend, local man Braden Twigg reportedly rushed to CVS Thursday to also impregnate the pharmacist. “Don’t worry, I’m running out to the store right now,” said Twigg, assuring his partner he would be right back as he…
J.K. Rowling Announces She No Longer Transphobic After Attending Cincinnati Pride And Winning A Free Cell Phone Charger From A Bisexual Realtor’s Booth
CINCINNATI—Confirming that the enlightening weekend experience had left her with “a total change of heart,” J.K. Rowling announced Thursday that she was no longer transphobic after attending the Cincinnati Pride Parade and Festival and winning a free cell phone charger from the booth of a bisexual real estate agent.…
Things To Never Say To A Fan Of MrBeast
MrBeast, also known as Jimmy Donaldson, is a YouTuber known for his large, expensive stunts and unique brand of philanthropy. With over 153 million subscribers, he has an extremely loyal fan base. Here are a few things you should never say to one of them.
Conservatives Claim Hitler’s Nazi Allegiance Greatly Exaggerated
WASHINGTON—Claiming that historians have unfairly vilified the 20th-century German dictator and misrepresented his role in the far-right political party, many conservative pundits and activists argue that Adolf Hitler’s Nazi allegiances have been greatly exaggerated. “Just because Hitler was Führer and Chancellor of…
Tips For Traveling With A Pet
With summer around the corner, Americans will be taking more trips, and studies show that those trips increasingly include their pets. The Onion provides helpful tips for traveling with your pet.
Rising Number Of Americans Switching Religions
According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of Americans say they used to follow a different religious tradition or denomination than the one they practice now, a percentage that appears to be growing in response to disagreements over issues like LGBTQ+ rights. What do you think?
Homeless Man Describes Horrors Of Sleeping In Public Park During Community Theater Production Of ‘The Tempest’
Ron DeSantis Runs Crying Out Of Child’s Birthday Party After Surprise Visit From Elsa
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Letting out a bone-chilling scream at the sight of the Disney princess, Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly ran crying out of a child’s birthday party Wednesday after a surprise visit from Elsa. “No! I want to go now!” the sobbing prospective 2024 presidential candidate said at a backyard birthday gathering…
YouTuber Admits To Intentionally Crashing Plane For Views
Trevor Jacob, a 29-year-old YouTuber, pled guilty to a federal charge after he destroyed the wreckage of a plane he intentionally crashed to gain views, admitting to authorities that he planned to crash the plane in a video he made to promote a wallet. What do you think?
Precocious Goldman Sachs Hire Destroys 1,000 People’s Livelihoods On First Day
NEW YORK—Noting that “the kid” had some “serious chops” to have already done so much damage, executives confirmed Wednesday that a precocious new Goldman Sachs hire had destroyed 1,000 people’s livelihoods on his first day. “You know, I wasn’t sure about him when we first hired him, but based on the sheer amount of…
Florida Parents Explain Why They Oppose Schools Showing Movies With Gay Characters
After a Florida teacher was accused of indoctrination for showing the animated Disney film Strange World, The Onion asked Florida parents to explain why they oppose schools showing movies with gay characters, and this is what they said.
HR Clarifies That Any Breast Milk Pumped On Company Time Must Go Directly To CEO
GREENSBORO, NC—Emphasizing that it was clearly outlined in the latest version of its employee handbook, the Human Resources department of local company Thatcher Inc. confirmed Wednesday that any breast milk pumped on company time must go directly to the CEO. “As you can see in section 5, subsection A, all employees…
Men Explain Why Women’s Yoga Pants Should Be Banned In Public
The Onion asked men why the alluring, irresistible sight of women’s spandex pants arouses them so much that the garment must be permanently banned, and this is what they said.