The Onion

Man Charged With Murdering His Wife Wins Indiana GOP Primary

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 08:00

A central Indiana man accused of murdering his wife and dumping her body in a creek in March has advanced in a Republican primary election for township board, winning close to 22% of the total 276 votes, while awaiting trial in jail. What do you think?

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Bombshell Report Finds Democrats Conspiring With Bookie To Deliberately Throw Midterms

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 08:00

WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that alleged the party would receive money in exchange for taking a dive, a bombshell report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that Democrats were conspiring with their bookie to deliberately throw the 2022 midterms. “The evidence appears increasingly clear that…

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Study Finds Flying On Airplane Far Safer Than Flying In Car

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 08:00

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to dispel long-standing misconceptions surrounding aviation safety, researchers at the University of Virginia released a comprehensive new study Tuesday that determined flying on an airplane is far safer than flying in a car. “While fear of airplanes remains common among the American…

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Shell Announces Plans To Plant Single Tree For Every Irreversible Planetary Disaster It Causes

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 08:00

LONDON—Describing the initiative as its most far-reaching contribution yet to the climate fight, multinational oil company Shell announced plans Tuesday to plant a single tree for every irreversible planet-wide disaster it causes. “We want to become part of the solution, and that’s why we’re proud to unveil our new…

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Dad Delivers Annual State Of The Lawn Address

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 08:00

NAPERVILLE, IL—Addressing members of the household from a front yard lectern, local dad Jim Martin delivered his annual state of the lawn speech Tuesday, according to reports from those in attendance. “Honey, kids, I am promising you right now, this year will bring a fuller, greener, and more robust lawn for everybody…

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Rideshare Drivers Describe Their Worst Experience With A Customer

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-10 08:00

In today’s gig economy, rideshare drivers receive zero protections but are forced to risk their lives for customers. The Onion asked drivers to describe their worst experience, and this is what they said.

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Louisiana Lawmakers Advance Bill To Classify Abortion As Homicide

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 16:15

Louisiana lawmakers have advanced a bill that would abolish abortion in the state, grant constitutional rights to “all unborn children from the moment of fertilization,” and classify abortion as a homicide crime. What do you think?

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New HGTV Show Sends Couple To Old Houses To Call Them Disgusting

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 11:35

KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the series perfect for the cable network’s lineup of real estate and home improvement shows, HGTV president Jane Latman announced Monday the launch of a new program that sends a couple to old houses around the country to call them disgusting. “Every week, our fun and engaging hosts Curt and Kelly…

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Pharmacists Warn Against Sharing Prescription Drugs With Someone Who Wouldn’t Do Same For You

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 11:30

WASHINGTON—After reporting a sharp rise in the risky behavior, the American Pharmacists Association held a press conference Monday to warn patients not to share their prescription drugs with anyone who wouldn’t do the same for them. “It’s important never to give any of your prescribed medications to another person…

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Louisiana Police Officer Plants Aborted Fetus On Black Suspect

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 11:06

MANDEVILLE, LA—Shining his flashlight into the driver’s face and feigning surprise as he “discovered” the incriminating evidence, a Louisiana police officer planted an aborted fetus on a Black suspect whom he subsequently arrested, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh ho, ho, ho! Look what we have here—you mind telling me…

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Conservatives Explain What Free Speech Means To Them

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 11:05

“Free speech is getting to say the N-word, or any racial slur, without fear of demonization or persecution.”

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Study Shows Mothers Who Outearn Husbands Also Do More Housework

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 08:00

A new study has found that moms actually take on more housework when their salary exceeds their husband’s, with the weekly amount of housework for fathers decreasing from their average of seven hours per week, while mothers’ housework starts increasing from 14 hours per week as her salary begins to eclipse her…

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Longtime Farmers Market Vendor Knows Enthusiasm For New Jam Guy Will Eventually Fade

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 08:00

CLEVELAND—Revealing that he had seen the same old thing happen over and over again, longtime farmers market vendor Bruce Spelman told reporters this week that he knew the enthusiasm for the new jam guy would eventually fade. “Yes, yes, they all fawn over the newcomer for a week or two, but soon the novelty of…

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Grieving Family Comes To Terms With Grandmother’s Death By Accepting That She Sucked

The Onion - Mon, 2022-05-09 08:00

TOPEKA, KS—Gathering to commemorate the loss of the family matriarch, relatives of local deceased woman Barbara King, 87, reportedly came to terms with their grandmother’s death Monday by accepting the fact that she totally sucked. “Sharing photos and stories about Grandma Babs has been an important part of the…

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