The Onion

Teacher Embarrassed After Student Recognizes Her Working At Second Job

The Onion - Sat, 2022-05-07 18:00

BROOKLYN, NY—Trying to shrink down on the bench where the girl couldn’t see her, local teacher Sabrina Ionescu was reportedly embarrassed Saturday after a student recognized her working at a second job. “Oh, shit, she’s waving at me,” the seventh-grade history teacher was heard to utter, reportedly hoping that the…

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Fascinated God Attends His First Shabbat Dinner

The Onion - Sat, 2022-05-07 08:00

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Asking lots of questions about all the novel food items and charming rituals, Yahweh, Our Lord God and Creator, reportedly attended His first Shabbat dinner Friday night and was delighted by the experience. “Wow, I can’t believe I’ve never been to one of these before—it’s so interesting!” said the…

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Satanic Temple Asks Boston To Fly Flag After Supreme Court Ruling

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 15:22

The Satanic Temple has requested to fly its flag over Boston City Hall after a recent Supreme Court ruling that the city violated a Christian group’s constitutional free speech rights by refusing to raise a flag bearing the image of a cross. What do you think?

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Study Finds Average Giant Swallows 8 Americans In Sleep Every Year

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 15:20

WASHINGTON—A study released Friday by the National Sleep Foundation found that the average giant swallows as many as eight Americans in their sleep every year. “Our research indicates that slumbering giants swallow a small but statistically significant number of Americans per year, often after the pests…

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Period Tracking App Adds ‘Surrender To Authorities’ Feature

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 14:42

SAN FRANCISCO—In order to stay up-to-date with the latest abortion laws and restrictions, period tracker app Cycle announced Friday that it had added a new “surrender to authorities” feature. “Starting today, users who are several days late or fully miss periods can select their crime, call the police, and confess…

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Greatest Moms In U.S. History

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 13:55

Love them or hate them, none of us would be the incompetent failures we are today without our moms. In honor of all our nation’s mothers, here are the greatest moms in U.S. history.

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Study: Greatest Indicator Of Stress Blowing Hair Off Face While Carrying Complicated Coffee Order For Boss Across Bustling City Streets

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 12:25

NEW YORK—According to a large-scale, comprehensive study published Friday in the Journal Of Cognitive Neuropsychology, blowing hair off one’s face while carrying a complicated coffee order for one’s boss across bustling city streets has been identified as the single greatest indicator of stress. “The act of…

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Potential Roe v. Wade Overturning: How Did We Get Here?

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 11:50

The leak of a draft opinion by Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to overturn the landmark Roe v. Wade case is giving rise to concerns that abortion could be banned in many U.S. states and is leading many Americans to wonder how the nation got to this point. The Onion looks at the major events and people that have…

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Graduation Audience Tears Up After Skeleton Shows Up To Accept Posthumous Degree

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 10:04

TUCSON, AZ—Moved by the emotion of the moment, the audience at the University of Arizona’s graduation ceremony reportedly teared up Friday after a skeleton showed up to receive his posthumous degree. “Wow, this is a truly beautiful sight to behold,” said spectator Catherine Talbot, who told reporters she was…

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Diminished James Harden Not Flopping With Same Agility

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 10:01

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to questions about his on-court struggles during his team’s playoff series against the Miami Heat, a diminished Philadelphia 76ers guard James Harden admitted Friday that he isn’t flopping with the same agility he used to. “After 13 seasons in the NBA, I’d be lying if I said I could pretend to…

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TurboTax To Pay $141 Million Fine For Steering Customers Away From Free Services

The Onion - Fri, 2022-05-06 08:00

TurboTax owner Intuit agreed to pay $141 million to settle a claim from all 50 states and the District of Columbia that it deceived nearly 4.4 million Americans into paying for tax services that should have been free. What do you think?

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Aliens Making First Contact Excitedly Ask To Meet Princess Di

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 15:52

WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings, people of Earth, we come in peace, and wish nothing more than to meet our idol, the…

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Stanford University Receives $1.1 Billion For New Climate School

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 15:02

John Doerr, one of Silicon Valley’s most successful venture capitalists, is giving $1.1 billion to Stanford University to fund a school focused on climate change, claiming the study of climate and sustainability will be “the new computer science.” What do you think?

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‘What Is This For Again?’ Asks Madison Cawthorn Stripping Nude As Kevin McCarthy Holds Up Camcorder

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 14:40

WASHINGTON—Briefly pausing as he removed his shirt to request one more explanation for why he was doing this, a half-naked Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) reportedly asked Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) what all of this was for as the House minority leader held up a camcorder. “Wait, I’m sorry, Kevin, I know you must…

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Trigger Laws In 13 States To Automatically Detonate Abortion Clinics Moment Roe v. Wade Overturned

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 14:20

AUSTIN, TX—With a leaked Supreme Court opinion signaling the landmark ruling is poised to be struck down, trigger laws in 13 states are set to automatically detonate abortion clinics the moment Roe v. Wade is overturned, sources reported Thursday. “We have placed highly combustible charges in and around every…

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Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything

The Onion - Thu, 2022-05-05 13:30

NEW YORK—Saying the statement had immediately set her mind at ease, local woman Sarah Waldman expressed relief Thursday upon finding her husband in bed with a nude stranger and hearing that he could explain everything. “Oh thank god, I thought he might be cheating on me, but it seems like there’s a perfectly…

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