The Onion

Las Vegas Chapels Told By Licensing Company To Stop Elvis-Themed Weddings

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 16:29

The licensing company that controls the use of Elvis Presley’s name and image has ordered Las Vegas chapel operators to stop using Elvis in themed ceremonies. What do you think?

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Horny Fact: Did You Know?

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 13:13
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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 11:21

TULSA—In the days following a violent rampage in Oklahoma in which a lone attacker killed four individuals in addition to himself, and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the…

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Teachers React To Yet Another School Shooting

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:20

After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.

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Planned Parenthood Mounts Giant IUD Atop Headquarters To Harness Sperm-Killing Power Of Lightning

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:14

NEW YORK—Cackling with glee as a violent storm swirled in the skies above, Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson announced plans Thursday to kill all human sperm via a giant, lightning-powered IUD mounted atop the organization’s headquarters. “Ha ha, ha ha! With this device, I will finally harness the…

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Pros And Cons Of Casinos

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:12

Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.

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Donda Sports Sets Modest Goal Of Only Ruining A Few Athletes’ Careers In First Year

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:11

LOS ANGELES—Confirming that the agency wanted to set realistic expectations for what it could accomplish, Donda Sports officials told reporters Thursday that they had set a modest goal of only ruining a few athletes’ careers in their first year. “The best way to get this business off the ground is to start small and…

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35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Yeah, it’s strange—I worked for this for years, and yet somehow,…

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FEMA Director Claims Spending Life Preparing For Natural Disasters No Way To Live

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you really expect us to spend it stockpiling water bottles and canned…

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Robot Orders Increase 40% Amid Labor Shortage

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

According to a new report, orders for workplace robots have increased by 40% in the first three months of 2022 amid a labor shortage in the U.S. What do you think?

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Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow since we pulled out of Afghanistan, so we thought we’d crack open a…

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Man Disguised As Old Woman Throws Cake At Mona Lisa In Climate Protest

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 16:40

A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris, in an apparent climate-related protest. What do you think?

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Shifting Police Timeline Now States Uvalde, TX Never Existed

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 14:30

UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX had never existed. “After several days of exhaustive investigations…

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President Biden Visits School Ahead Of Its Deadly Mass Shooting

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 14:01

ALMEDA, PA—Taking a moment of silence to honor the teachers and students who will soon lose their lives, President Joe Biden reportedly visited the Almeda Middle School Wednesday ahead of its deadly mass shooting. “Two weeks from today is going to be a really difficult day,” said Biden, shaking hands with a…

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CEOs Discuss How Unions Have Affected Their Companies

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 11:25

With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.

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Researchers Confirm Determined Seagull Finally Made It Into Outer Space

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 11:00

SILVER SPRING, MD—In a press conference commending the bird’s tenacity in the face of serious obstacles, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials confirmed Wednesday that a determined seagull had finally made it into outer space. “Simply put, this bird flapped his little heart out, overcoming the…

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Shot Down

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-01 09:20
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