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Updated: 22 min 33 sec ago

Third-Party Candidate Promises To Fill Whatever Void Still Left Between Centrist Democrats, Centrist Republicans

1 hour 5 min ago

ST. LOUIS—Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. “Americans deserve choice, which is why I’m running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow…

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Study: Average American Has At Least 3 People Plotting To Kill Them At All Times

1 hour 20 min ago

PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is…

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Scientists Successfully Teach Mice To Hate Women

1 hour 35 min ago

PHILADELPHIA—Demonstrating that sexism is possible across the animal kingdom, scientists at Drexel University announced Monday that they had successfully taught mice to hate women. “After years of steady progress, we have finally been able to prove that mice are capable of being raging misogynists,” said lead…

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Endless Shrimp Deal Causes Major Profit Loss For Red Lobster

1 hour 50 min ago

Unlimited Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, which the seafood chain hoped would entice customers during the winter months, proved to be too steep a deal after the company reportedly lost $11 million due to the promotion. What do you think?

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Alpha Male Constipated

2 hours 5 min ago
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Custodian Warns It May Take Months To Remove Cashmere Sweaters From George Santos’ Office

Fri, 2023-12-01 17:55

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing this was not the type of job they could simply complete in a day or two, custodians warned leaders in the House of Representatives Friday that it could take months to remove all the cashmere sweaters from former congressman George Santos’ office. “While we had hoped to have his area cleaned out…

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Kamala Harris Nervous About Flying On Plane For First Time

Fri, 2023-12-01 15:50

WASHINGTON—Saying she was taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down after boarding her flight to Dubai for the COP28 climate conference, sources reported Friday that Vice President Kamala Harris was nervous about flying on a plane for the first time. “Okay, it should be fine, it’s all fine, I know it’s…

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Unemployed George Santos Stands In Times Square With Sign Reading ‘I Am SpongeBob’

Fri, 2023-12-01 15:45

NEW YORK—Following his shocking expulsion from Congress, former Rep. George Santos of New York was spotted in Times Square Friday holding a sign that read “I am SpongeBob.” “Come on over and snap a photo with ‘the Bob,’” said the disgraced and currently unemployed Republican, who was seen brandishing the handwritten…

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Biden Administration Proposes Removal Of All Lead Water Pipes In 10 Years

Fri, 2023-12-01 15:31

A proposed mandate from the Environmental Protection Agency seeks to drastically reduce lead in the nation’s drinking water over the next 10 years by replacing all old pipes across the country, a measure that could cost $30 billion but would prevent exposure to the deadly toxin for millions. What do you think?

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Things The Left Doesn’t Tolerate On College Campuses

Fri, 2023-12-01 08:15

While liberals claim to be accepting, many right-wing college students are relentlessly persecuted for their conservative beliefs. Here are many of the things that the so-called tolerant left refuses to tolerate on college campuses.

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Terror À La Cart

Fri, 2023-12-01 08:00
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Everyone Witnessing Second Coming Just Going To Pretend They Already Knew Jesus Christ Had Crab Claws For Hands

Fri, 2023-12-01 07:45

JERUSALEM—Struggling not to betray their surprise at the large, crustacean-like appendages being waved around by the Son of God, people currently witnessing the Second Coming were apparently just going to pretend they already knew Jesus had crab claws for hands, sources reported Friday. “Nobody wants to bring it up,…

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NASA Removes Last Confederate Satellite From Earth’s Orbit

Fri, 2023-12-01 07:30

WASHINGTON—Turning the page on what they acknowledged was a painful chapter in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced Friday they had decommissioned and removed the last Confederate satellite from Earth’s orbit. “A vital part of the Confederacy’s fight to preserve slavery, these Civil War­ military…

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Coworker Unpacks Heartbreaking Container Of Leftover ‘Bachelor’-Themed Canapés For Lunch

Fri, 2023-12-01 07:15

AMARILLO, TX—Making it instantly clear that not many people had shown up for her viewing party a few nights ago, local woman Meghan Hough reportedly unpacked a heartbreaking container of leftover Bachelor-themed canapés for lunch at the office Friday. “Oh no, she’s heating up a whole plate of rose-shaped apple…

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Virgin Atlantic Plane Fueled By Fat And Sugar Crosses Atlantic

Fri, 2023-12-01 07:00

In a test flight, Virgin Atlantic’s Boeing 787 successfully crossed the Atlantic ocean using a sustainable fuel blend of 88% waste fats and 12% synthetic aromatic kerosene derived from plant sugars. What do you think? 

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