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Updated: 20 hours 55 min ago

U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases

Mon, 2022-09-26 07:00

According to new CDC data, the U.S. saw a sustained surge in STIs in 2021, with syphilis rates increasing by 26%, prompting health officials to call for new prevention and treatment efforts. What do you think?

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Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire

Mon, 2022-09-26 06:45

DALLAS—Telling reporters about the adjustments he had made to his game over the summer, Dallas Mavericks point guard Luka Doncic confirmed Monday that he spent his offseason adding a variety of new complaints to his repertoire. “The offseason is about looking for ways to improve, so I’ve been really working hard on…

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Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards

Mon, 2022-09-26 06:30

STUTTGART, GERMANY—Acknowledging an unsavory blemish in the company’s history, Mercedes-Benz released a statement Tuesday that addressed its contributions to the Nazi war effort with a reminder that the Third Reich had notoriously high standards for quality engineering. “We unequivocally apologize for our cooperation…

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England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy

Mon, 2022-09-26 06:00

LONDON—Following Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral and her people’s farewell to their longest-serving monarch, sources confirmed Monday that England had begun exiting its somber mourning period in order to resume its regular joyless normalcy. When Elizabeth passed on Sept. 8, English citizens reportedly paused their…

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Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections

Fri, 2022-09-23 15:50

MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going…

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U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia

Fri, 2022-09-23 15:20

NEW YORK—Expressing shock and outrage at the sudden end to the General Assembly’s 2022 session, sources reported Friday that the United Nations had mysteriously disappeared after criticizing Russia. “U.S. intelligence assets received no warning that U.N. Headquarters in Manhattan would vanish completely and without a…

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GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women’s Suffrage

Fri, 2022-09-23 14:59

Michigan GOP congressional candidate, John Gibbs, reportedly started a self-described “think tank” while in college, called the Society for the Critique of Feminism, that argued women’s suffrage negatively impacted the country and that women should not vote or work outside the home. What do you think?

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Child Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal Ideations

Fri, 2022-09-23 14:15

TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey his homicidal ideations. “I really like this one, Brandon—what gave…

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The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion

Fri, 2022-09-23 13:21

Fast fashion, the trend of clothing producers replicating high-fashion designs and selling them at lower prices, has grown in recent years to become a nearly $100 billion industry, and some have criticized its consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of fast fashion.

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Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead

Fri, 2022-09-23 07:45

OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyway. “At this time we are investigating this as a premeditated…

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Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion

Fri, 2022-09-23 07:30

CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest,…

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Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them

Fri, 2022-09-23 07:00

WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an excited circle of clapping people formed around them. “If any…

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Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

Fri, 2022-09-23 06:45

This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.

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48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children

Fri, 2022-09-23 06:30

United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. What do you think?

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Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing

Fri, 2022-09-23 06:15

PEABODY, MA—Saying he was looking forward to a more up-close-and-personal experience, local man Todd Hampton reportedly paid extra at the Déjà Vu strip club buffet Friday to get some private time in the backroom with a buffalo wing. “Oh yeah, ever since I stepped in the club I’ve had my eyes on this pretty little…

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Flamethrower Set To Mist

Fri, 2022-09-23 06:00
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New York Attorney General Sues Trump Family For Business Fraud

Thu, 2022-09-22 15:23

New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?

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