The Onion

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Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine

Fri, 2023-01-27 16:35

KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained,…

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Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks

Fri, 2023-01-27 16:30

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Conference Championships.

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Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms

Fri, 2023-01-27 16:05

Meta has announced that Donald Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think?

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Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents

Fri, 2023-01-27 16:00

WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former presidents to anonymously return classified documents. “Any past commander-in-chief…

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U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen

Fri, 2023-01-27 12:40

WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we deal with the fallout from the death of Tyre Nichols, myself and the…

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Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street

Fri, 2023-01-27 08:00

SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see…

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Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far

Fri, 2023-01-27 07:45

NEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “Do we love it?” asked the neurosurgeon, who used the handheld looking glass in tandem with a…

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Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course

Fri, 2023-01-27 07:30

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said.

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Expectant Couple Hoping For Human Baby

Fri, 2023-01-27 07:00

CONWAY, AR—Praying to be blessed with a child of the same species, expectant couple Steve and Molly Bevers told reporters Friday they were hoping for a human baby. “Fingers crossed that we get a Homo sapiens,” said Molly Bevers, claiming that while she and her husband would love the baby no matter what life-form it…

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Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million

Thu, 2023-01-26 17:32

Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work. What do you think?

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Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies

Thu, 2023-01-26 16:00

PALM BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wow, Kevin and Kim had a cute little kid after all those years of trying—good for…

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Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed

Thu, 2023-01-26 15:55

MEMPHIS, TN—In an attempt to quell public outrage over the upcoming release of body-cam footage showing the deadly beating of Tyre Nichols by five of its officers, the Memphis Police Department continued to urge calm Thursday in light of the unspeakable evil they had committed. “I understand that this heinous atrocity…

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Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks

Thu, 2023-01-26 15:30

VATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes those children start feeling lonely after happy hour and one thing leads to another,” said…

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Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less

Thu, 2023-01-26 12:30

WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I stopped drinking booze this month, I’ve noticed I’ve generally had way less…

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Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know

Thu, 2023-01-26 11:24

The recent discoveries of classified documents at the homes of President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence, coming on the heels of the FBI’s seizure of classified documents from former President Donald Trump’s residence in August 2022, have raised numerous ethical and political questions. The Onion tells…

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