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Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

Wed, 2022-01-19 14:50

WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow oxygen masks that can be seen dangling before them as we experience…

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Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

Wed, 2022-01-19 14:46

CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite some time, and we think Apple’s values and mission really align with…

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Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder

Wed, 2022-01-19 11:26

NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by the obvious lack of cinematic skill, viewers of the film The Darkest Kiss were reportedly disappointed Wednesday that the director’s incompetence had led him to completely obscure the face of the person committing the murder. “We get to this pivotal scene, but the camera is placed behind…

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Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building

Wed, 2022-01-19 09:00

CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made peace with the fact that she might have killed everyone in her apartment building. “Well, there’s…

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FDA Drops Regulations On French Dressing

Wed, 2022-01-19 09:00

The FDA has announced it is revoking its standard of identity for French dressing that requires the sauce to contain at least 35% vegetable oil, and vinegar, lemon juice or both, which has been in place since 1950. What do you think?

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Tennis Star Novak Djokovic Deported From Australia After Losing Visa Battle

Tue, 2022-01-18 15:31

Australian officials have deported Novak Djokovic after the tennis star, who is unvaccinated against Covid-19, lost his final bid to stay in the country to play as the No. 1 seed in the Australian Open and defend his title. What do you think?

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Transplant Surgeon Loses Medical License For Branding Initials On Patients’ Livers

Tue, 2022-01-18 15:24

A British surgeon has had his medical license revoked after he was found out to have burned his initials on to the livers of two patients during transplant surgery with a device meant to stop bleeding. What do you think?

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Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19

Tue, 2022-01-18 14:50

While many parents, students, and teachers are reluctant to go back to remote learning, recent surges in Covid-19 make in-person teaching particularly challenging. Here are several signs your child’s school is not ready to be open during a global pandemic.

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Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town

Tue, 2022-01-18 13:40

LOS ANGELES—Crowding around the set in hopes of a potential celebrity sighting, Los Angeles residents were reportedly giddy Tuesday after learning that a big Hollywood movie was being shot in their town. “Wow, I can’t believe they’re filming something right here,” said L.A. local Meredith Morton, asking a nearby…

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Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face

Tue, 2022-01-18 10:38

CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how long she could lie dead in her apartment before anyone bothered to come by and eat her face. “It’s a very real possibility I could be here…

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Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes

Tue, 2022-01-18 10:38

CHICAGO—Shaking their heads as they watched the 6-year-old beagle mix walk by with its owners, sources expressed concern Tuesday that a local dog must be neglected, noting that it was always seen wearing the same set of clothes. “That poor thing owns one shabby outfit,” said 43-year-old neighbor Kelsey Hoyle, who…

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Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013

Mon, 2022-01-17 12:07

SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen Nowicki reportedly proposed to girlfriend Jillian Rice on Monday with an heirloom ring once worn by his divorced sister in 2013. “This ring’s been passed down in my family for a long time, ever since my…

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Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot

Mon, 2022-01-17 12:06

UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly conspired with burglars Monday in exchange for half the loot. Sources confirmed that after the Neos SmartCam discovered suspicious men casing the…

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Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

Mon, 2022-01-17 12:05

ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering 98 percent of American horses responded more enthusiastically to the…

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Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day

Mon, 2022-01-17 09:00

MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was quite the cum dumpster back in the day. “You know, I may not look it now, but back in my prime, I was an absolute gutter slut,” said Mooney, smiling fondly as…

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