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Tom Cruise Explains How He Pulled Off Stunt Of Shelly Miscavige’s Disappearance
HOLLYWOOD—Addressing his commitment to performing all his own work in a recent interview, actor and noted Scientologist Tom Cruise explained Thursday how he pulled off the stunt of helping cover up Shelly Miscavige’s disappearance. “The higher-ups always want someone to step in to do this kind of dirty work for me,…
George Santos Funds Legal Defense By Selling Official Ray-Bans For 90% Off
WASHINGTON—Reeling in the wake of his indictment on 13 federal charges, including wire fraud and money laundering, Rep. George Santos (R-NY) revealed Thursday that he would fund his legal defense by selling official Ray-Bans for 90% off. “These are the real deal and going for much, much cheaper than market price,” the…
Green Giant Unveils New Lettuce That You Can Put Wig On And Pretend Is Your Wife
MINNEAPOLIS—Boasting that its latest product would completely eradicate loneliness, Green Giant unveiled a new lettuce Thursday that customers could put a wig on and pretend was their wife. “With Green Giant’s new iceberg lettuce, you don’t just have the makings of a delicious salad—you also have a companion, a lover,…
Thinking About Throwing Your Old, Run-Down Dog Away? Read Our Restoration Guide First!
ICE Agent Stays Late To Catch Up On Human Rights Violations
LOS FRESNOS, TX—Putting in overtime to ensure every person in his custody was thoroughly persecuted, local U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Reed reportedly stayed at work late Thursday to catch up on his human rights violations. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this backlog of…
Trump Found Liable For Sexual Abuse, Defemation
A Manhattan jury found former President Donald J. Trump liable for the sexual abuse of writer E. Jean Carroll in a widely watched civil trial, with the jury awarding her $5 million in damages for her battery and defamation claims. What do you think?
Nation’s Gyms Not Sure Where People Got Idea They Allowed To Be Naked In Locker Rooms
WASHINGTON—Asserting that they had never indicated that such behavior was remotely acceptable, the nation’s gyms released a joint statement Thursday announcing that they weren’t sure where people got the idea they were allowed to be naked in locker rooms. “We don’t know why anyone would believe it’s appropriate to…
Orchestral Gong Player Serenades Crush
NEWTON, MA—Lending an ear as the young man attempted to convey his innermost feelings through music, area woman Abby Cho was reportedly serenaded outside her home Thursday by her admirer Benjamin Kenilworth, an orchestral gong player. “Abby, if it’s all right, I’d like to play a song for you that’s very special to…
Things To Never Say To A Proud Boy
Over the past year, events ranging from widespread social media bans to criminal convictions for seditious conspiracy have left far-right militant group the Proud Boys depleted and demoralized. For readers with acquaintances within the organization’s ranks, here are things to never say to a Proud Boy.
Covid-19 Patients Flung Out Hospital Windows As Public Emergency Ends
WASHINGTON—Picking up thousands of incapacitated Americans by their wrists and ankles and tossing them down to the sidewalks below, Covid-19 patients were reportedly flung out of hospital windows across the country Thursday as the public emergency officially ended. “Well, thank God that’s over,” said ICU head nurse…
The Onion’s 2023 Summer Movie Preview
More economically anxious and lonelier than ever, Americans are increasingly returning to movie theaters in hopes of catching the ending before the mass shooting starts. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer 2023.
Dubai To Build World’s First 3D-Printed Mosque
Dubai has announced the construction of a 3D-printed concrete mosque to accommodate 600 worshippers and cover 2,000 square meters over two floors, with construction planned to begin by the end of year and completed in the first quarter of 2025. What do you think?
Quiz: Can You Pass This Sex Ed Quiz In Post-Roe America?
Test your fornication knowledge to see if you can pass a sexual education quiz in post-Roe America.
First-Time Homebuyers Purchase Nice Starter Doorknob
FINDLAY, OH—Calling it a great investment and an important step toward building long-term financial security, first-time homebuyers Adam and Celeste Conley told reporters Wednesday they had purchased a nice starter doorknob. “It’s nothing fancy, but I think a decent brass exterior doorknob is a great way for us to get…
Poll: Majority Of Americans Don’t Trust Trump Or Biden To Watch Their Stuff While They’re In Bathroom
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans don’t trust Donald Trump or Joe Biden to watch their stuff while they are in the bathroom. “Our survey of over 10,000 likely voters found that three quarters of Americans don’t believe President Biden or former…
Updated Texas Sex Ed Curriculum Instructs Children How To Stone Whores
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to provide students with everything they need to know about sexual development, sexual intercourse, and pregnancy, an updated sex ed curriculum instituted Wednesday across Texas instructed children how to stone whores. “The new and improved sex education guidelines will provide comprehensive…
Campbell’s Soup Announces Soup Will Set You Free
CAMDEN, NJ—The entire executive team of the Campbell Soup Company held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce that soup will set you free. “Campbell’s soup will cut the shackles! Campbell’s soup will make you whole!” CEO Mark Clouse proclaimed as the rest of the Campbell’s C-suite wailed, rended their…