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Updated: 16 hours 49 min ago

Timeline Of Famous Prisoner Exchanges

Fri, 2022-04-29 13:03

The U.S. recently negotiated the release of former Marine Trevor Reed in a prisoner exchange with Russia, continuing a delicate and often controversial practice employed by nations during wartime. The Onion looks back at some of the most famous prisoner exchanges throughout history.

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Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood

Fri, 2022-04-29 12:45

COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims…

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Best Ways To Make Friends As An Adult

Fri, 2022-04-29 11:30

Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.

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New York Public Library Makes Banned Books Available Nationwide For Free

Fri, 2022-04-29 08:00

New York City’s Brooklyn Public Library announced a new initiative against growing censorship and book bans that provides young readers in the U.S. with free library cards to access its full eBook and audiobook collection. What do you think?

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McCarthy Audio Reveals Trump Acknowledged Responsibility For Capitol Attack

Thu, 2022-04-28 15:09

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told Republican lawmakers in a leaked audio recording of a private conference call that then-President Donald Trump had admitted some responsibility for the deadly attack at the Capitol, which he denied until the audio became public. What do you think?

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Congress Passes $33 Billion Bill To Send War-Torn Ukraine Free Community College

Thu, 2022-04-28 15:00

WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion bill to send war-torn Ukraine free community college. “As Putin’s forces encircle the Donbas region, this free community college tuition will be vital to preparing the Ukrainians for the economy of…

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Overly Cautious Pregnant Woman Only Going To Ride Roller Coaster 6 Or 7 Times

Thu, 2022-04-28 13:50

SANDUSKY, OH—Though reasoning that it was unlikely such a slight indulgence would affect her fetus this late in the term, local pregnant woman Rachel Mandross announced Thursday that she would rather be overly cautious and only ride a roller coaster at Cedar Point amusement park six or seven more times. “I don’t want…

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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Travel In Comfort And Style

Thu, 2022-04-28 13:38

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…

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Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods

Thu, 2022-04-28 12:25

DELAWARE, OH—Stating that they were tired of their stupid family gathering and wanted to go do something cool, the nation’s older cousins reportedly announced plans Thursday to whip butterfly knives around in the woods. “Beginning around 3 p.m. EST and extending until it’s dark, we’ll be in the clearing whipping the…

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Yankees Attribute Offensive Slump To Terrified Hitters Closing Eyes During Swing

Thu, 2022-04-28 12:20

NEW YORK—Responding to criticism about the team’s slow start to the 2022 season, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone attributed the team’s offensive slump Thursday to terrified hitters closing their eyes during swings. “What reporters and fans have to understand is that the ball comes at our guys very fast, and…

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Harvard Pledges $100 Million To Atone For Role In Slavery

Thu, 2022-04-28 08:00

Harvard University has announced it will spend $100 million to research and atone for its extensive ties with slavery, including plans to identify and support the descendants of enslaved people who labored at the Ivy League campus. What do you think?

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Horrific Jan. 6 Texts That You’ll Have To Learn About In Our Forthcoming Tell-All Book

Thu, 2022-04-28 08:00

Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us.

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Donald Trump Held In Contempt In New York Attorney General Inquiry

Wed, 2022-04-27 15:11

A New York judge has held Donald Trump in contempt and fined him $10,000 a day, following the former president’s failure to hand over documents to prosecutors investigating his business practices. What do you think?

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New Raid Pest Control Kit Fat Shames Ants Into Starving Themselves

Wed, 2022-04-27 15:00

RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so…

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Most Dangerous Parts Of Attending A Music Festival

Wed, 2022-04-27 14:32

If you die at a music festival, you die in real life. Here are the most dangerous things concert-goers should watch out for this year.

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