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Bad Time For Greg Abbott To Reveal New Machine Gun Legs
AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it was probably not a good time to reveal his new machine gun legs, according to sources in his office. “Goddamn it, of all the weeks for this to happen,” said…
Sacrificial Altar Comfier Than Expected
GOLDENDALE, WA—Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and releasing all the tension of a stressful day from his body, chosen offering to the gods Dale Balko told reporters Tuesday that the sacrificial altar upon which he lay was comfier than expected. “The altar actually feels great on my back, and with those torches they…
Mitch McConnell: ‘Get Your Crying Done Now Because We’re Not Passing Shit’
WASHINGTON—In a press conference addressing the community of Uvalde, TX, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly urged those affected Thursday to get their crying done now because he wouldn’t be passing shit. “Go ahead and shed some tears, trot out the families of the victims, do whatever the fuck…
U.S. Birth Rate Rises For First Time Since 2014
A CDC report found that births in the United States rose for the first time in seven years, with experts suggesting that postponed pregnancies due to the pandemic or changes in access to contraceptives could have influenced 2021 birth rates. What do you think?
Walmart Pulls ‘Juneteenth’ Ice Cream After Backlash
Walmart has pulled its ice cream introduced to celebrate Juneteenth after critics decried the move as in poor taste and insensitive. What do you think?
Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures
Report: Uvalde Gunman Had Accomplices As Far As Washington, D.C.
UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos had accomplices as far away as Washington, D.C. “We have reason to believe this wasn’t a ‘lone wolf’ incident, but rather a coordinated attack carried out with…
IRS Splinter Group Demands Taxpayers Recognize August 15 As The True Tax Day
WASHINGTON—Decrying the traditional filing season as “an irredeemable heresy,” an Internal Revenue Service splinter group demanded Wednesday that taxpayers recognize Aug. 15 as the one true tax day. “Any righteous interpretation of the 16th Amendment and the original Revenue Act of 1913 makes clear that Apr. 15 is not …
HR Department Rings Gong Every Time They Successfully Cover Up Sexual Harassment
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a fun way to acknowledge the hard work we do here and to inspire one…
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…
Biggest Misconceptions Men Have About Sexual Reproduction
As the abortion debate intensifies, it’s become abundantly clear that most men don’t know the first thing about sexual reproduction. Here are the biggest misconceptions guys need to correct ASAP.
Tips For Officiating A Wedding
More couples are opting to have a friend or family member officiate a wedding rather than a member of the clergy, but that can put pressure on the officiant to make sure the ceremony goes smoothly. The Onion offers helpful tips for officiating a wedding.
New York Mobbed By Thousands Of Drunken Characters During Disney Cruise Line's Fleet Week
NEW YORK—In an annual event that many New Yorkers look to with dread and annoyance, the city’s most popular tourist areas were reportedly mobbed this week by thousands of extremely drunken characters who were celebrating Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week—a seven-day shore leave in which the characters depart their ships…
‘Bon Appétit’ Test Kitchen Apologizes For Gruesome Experiments On Beans
NEW YORK—In response to widespread condemnation over several recent leaks, the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen reportedly issued an apology Tuesday for the organization’s gruesome experiments on beans. “We make no excuses for the horrific treatment our chefs inflicted on hundreds of thousands of cannellini beans, kidney…
Retired Couple To Live Permanently On Cruise Ships, Saying It’s Cheaper Than Mortgage
A retired Seattle couple sold their home to live permanently on cruise ships, saying that the $89 per day they spend on room, food, and entertainment works out to be much cheaper than paying off a mortgage in Seattle. What do you think?
Religion Rocked By Another Molestation Whatever
WASHINGTON—With the disclosure of widespread abuse threatening to undermine communities of faith across the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday that religion had once again been rocked by something or other having to do with molestation. “Thousands of American churches are reeling in the wake of a bunch more sexual…
GOP Senator Says Maternal Death Rate Isn’t As Bad If You Don’t Count Black Women
Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy is under fire after arguing that the state’s poor maternal mortality rate is only an “outlier” because of the high proportion of Black women, who are four times more likely to die during pregnancy than white women, and that the rate would be more standand if the numbers were corrected for…
Surprised Brian Kemp Assumed Pence Died On Jan. 6
KENNESAW, GA—Shocked to hear the former vice president had appeared at a recent rally for his campaign, Georgia governor Brian Kemp told reporters Tuesday that he thought Mike Pence had died on Jan. 6. “Wait, I thought that guy was shot or trampled to death or something at the Capitol—are you sure it’s the same Mike…
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Can’t Breastfeed
Being unable to lactate does make you a bad mother, but you’re not supposed to admit that. Never say the following things to someone who can’t breastfeed.