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Memorial Daze

Tue, 2022-05-24 10:36
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Police Report Bystander Killed By Officer Had Long History Of Bystanding

Tue, 2022-05-24 08:00

ST. LOUIS—Saying the incident fit a larger pattern in which the victim was often present but not an active participant in a situation, the Metropolitan Police Department reported Tuesday that local bystander David Clacker, who was killed by an officer, had a long history of bystanding. “After a thorough investigation,…

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Meta Bans Employees From Talking About Abortion

Tue, 2022-05-24 08:00

Meta has reportedly told employees that they cannot talk about abortion on Workplace, its internal version of Facebook, because it could create a “hostile work environment,” leaving people “feeling like they’re being targeted based on their gender or religion.” What do you think?

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Nation’s Male Bus Strangers Announce Plans To Show Each Other Pictures Of Swimsuit Models On Their Phones

Tue, 2022-05-24 08:00

CHICAGO—Pledging to loudly discuss the desirability of women’s breasts no matter the personal cost, the nation’s male bus strangers announced plans Tuesday to show each other pictures of swimsuit models on their phones. “We will reach over several visibly uncomfortable passengers to show each other photos on our…

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Report: Dad Won’t Admit He Feels Cute In New Hat

Tue, 2022-05-24 08:00

WILMINGTON, NC—With the accessory reportedly giving him a newfound “pep in his step” that he could not manage to conceal, family sources stated Tuesday that local dad Kevin Eicher wouldn’t admit that he felt cute in his new hat. “He clearly likes how he looks in it, because he hasn’t wiped that grin off his face since…

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Affection For Restaurant Dialed Back Upon Realization It A Chain

Tue, 2022-05-24 08:00

ST. CLOUD, MN—Seeking to distance himself from his previous words of praise for the establishment, local man Dylan Wortman immediately dialed back his affection for a restaurant Tuesday upon learning it was part of a chain. “Oh, what I meant was, it’s pretty good for what it is, and it’s not a bad option if everything…

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First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S.

Mon, 2022-05-23 14:23

U.S. Officials have confirmed the country’s first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already been reported in 12 countries. What do you think?

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Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:58

WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. “Even after all these years of running for office, nothing gets my juices going…

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Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A.

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:00

Let’s face it, you’re not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles.

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New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. “Here at Ultraa, we are very serious about our vision of an open and inclusive…

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Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:00

Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What do you think?

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Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:00

CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of one day losing them. “I think I’m so wrapped up in trying to avoid the pain of loss that I’m not…

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Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:00

SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle’s residents. “Alright Seattle, pay attention, because I’ve spent the past few months…

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Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter

Mon, 2022-05-23 08:00

BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. “I know the science is iffy, but I want to make sure I’m doing everything I possibly can,” said Dobson, who held a…

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U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts

Fri, 2022-05-20 15:30

U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think?

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Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

Fri, 2022-05-20 15:05

KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn…

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NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring

Fri, 2022-05-20 14:55

NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The…

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Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind

Fri, 2022-05-20 14:20

LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a…

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