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The Onion
Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married
The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”
Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian
BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the…
Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think?
Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances
GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know…
Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career
Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career.
Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary
Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think?
Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel
CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. “Wow, how does he do it? This is why he’s a movie star,” said festival…
Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election
PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. “Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you,” said Trump, who called upon…
Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout
Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout.
KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home
BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one’s home. “With KitchenAid’s new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an…
Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table
ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell reportedly lost another patient under the operating table Wednesday. “Goddamn it, she was right here—how the hell did she just disappear?” said the Mayo Clinic thoracic surgeon, who rooted around under the…
Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns
MEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published Thursday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has established a link between severe anxiety and holding the broken halves of mother’s favorite vase as the doorknob turns. “Our data show that high…
Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn
Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates
Snapchat CEO and co-founder Evan Spiegel and his wife, supermodel Miranda Kerr, who were keynote speakers at this year’s graduation ceremony for Otis College of Art and Design, made donations to repay over $10 million in student loan debt for the school’s newest graduates. What do you think?
DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed a bill prohibiting “picketing and protesting” outside someone’s private residence, in response to abortion rights protests recently staged in front of the homes of U.S. Supreme Court justices. What do you think?
What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage
The U.S. is in the midst of a significant shortage of infant formula, with over 40% of expected supplies currently out of stock, leading to concerns about infant health and outrage from parents. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the infant formula shortage.
Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride
WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor Brandt reportedly realized Wednesday that chasing a vendetta was no way to spend his entire bumper car ride. “Sure, I could go and smash into that kid’s car in retribution, but God only gave me so long on…