The Onion

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Updated: 15 hours 18 min ago

Aides Concerned Low Poll Numbers Could Drive Biden To Do Something Drastically Popular

Thu, 2022-07-14 11:20

WASHINGTON—Worrying that a plummeting approval rating may be clouding the president’s judgment, White House aides reportedly expressed concern Thursday that low poll numbers could drive Joe Biden to do something drastically popular. “Frankly, we’re extremely worried that these low poll numbers could be leading the…

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What To Tell Your Teenager If They Get Pregnant

Thu, 2022-07-14 09:00

Jesus, it’s like you have to do everything for them.

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‘Bon Appétit’ Honors Journalist Killed In Field From Eating Too Much And Dying

Thu, 2022-07-14 07:15

NEW YORK—Celebrating the life of a man who courageously stuffed his mouth, Bon Appétit honored journalist Mark Vorak who was killed in the field Thursday from eating too much and dying. “It was a testament to his bravery and fearless appetite that he so valiantly gorged himself to the point where his stomach exploded…

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Increasingly Unhinged Eric Garcetti Covers Own Body With Metal Spikes To Prevent Homeless People From Sleeping On Him

Thu, 2022-07-14 07:00

LOS ANGELES—Pledging to maintain the safety and security of the city’s most cherished destinations, an increasingly unhinged Eric Garcetti reportedly covered his own body with metal spikes Thursday to prevent homeless people from sleeping on him. “These small iron spikes will help ensure that my body is a space…

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London Heathrow Tells Airlines To Stop Ticket Sales As It Caps Passengers

Thu, 2022-07-14 06:45

London’s Heathrow Airport is capping daily passenger numbers for the summer and telling airlines to stop selling tickets as it steps up efforts to quell travel chaos caused by soaring travel demand and staff shortages. What do you think?

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Vacationing Woman’s Big Floppy Hat Plunges Nation Into Darkness

Thu, 2022-07-14 06:15

DENVER, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, CHICAGO, HOUSTON—Approximately 330 million Americans were reportedly affected by a sudden loss of visibility Thursday morning when a vacationing woman’s big floppy hat plunged the nation into darkness. Sources confirmed that the near-total blackout began in the Denver area around 11:15…

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DeWalt Ad Shows How Efficiently Power Saw Can Rip Through Human Rib Cage

Thu, 2022-07-14 06:00

BALTIMORE—Highlighting the product’s strength and versatility, a new television commercial from industrial tool manufacturer DeWalt demonstrates how efficiently one of the company’s popular power saws can rip through a human rib cage. “The XR Power Detect cordless circular saw from DeWalt can cut through just about…

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HHS: Doctors Must Provide Abortions In Medical Emergencies Regardless Of State Law

Wed, 2022-07-13 15:39

Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra announced that healthcare providers must provide abortions in medical emergencies under law and will face penalties if they decline to offer the procedure, saying that federal law preempts state abortion bans. What do you think?

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Poll Finds Majority Of Voters Wish Biden Was Way Older

Wed, 2022-07-13 13:00

WASHINGTON—A new nationwide poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center reportedly found that the majority of American voters wish President Joe Biden was way older. “Our data revealed that an overwhelming number of participants want Joe Biden to be an inexplicably decrepit, shriveled husk who is so old that…

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Psychology Fact: Did You Know?

Wed, 2022-07-13 10:46
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Timeline Of Elon Musk’s Bid To Buy Twitter

Wed, 2022-07-13 07:30

World’s wealthiest person Elon Musk recently announced he is terminating a $44 billion deal to buy social media site Twitter, the latest development in a highly contentious months-long purchase process. The Onion looks at key moments in the timeline of Musk’s bid to buy Twitter.

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Things To Never Say To A Police Officer At A Protest

Wed, 2022-07-13 07:15


While the First Amendment protects the right to peaceful assembly, the police are often given wide latitude in their ability to disrupt protests, which allows them to use slight provocations in order to arrest or assault citizens. Here are things to never say to police officers at a protest.

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Floating Abortion Clinic Proposed In Gulf To Bypass Bans

Wed, 2022-07-13 07:00

A California doctor is proposing a floating abortion clinic in the Gulf of Mexico as a way to maintain access for people in southern states where abortion bans have been enacted, offering first trimester surgical abortion in federal waters outside the reach of state laws. What do you think?

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Dumbass Widow Apparently Thinks Little Handful Of Dirt Thrown On Coffin All It Takes To Bury Husband

Wed, 2022-07-13 06:45

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Questioning exactly how she intended to put the dead to rest with such a weak effort, sources confirmed Wednesday that dumbass widow Lilith Frampton apparently thought a little handful of dirt thrown on her husband’s coffin would be all that it took to bury him. “Seriously? Did she really think that…

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Man Not Going To Walk Faster Just Because Coworker Holding Open Critical Reactor’s Blast Door For Him

Wed, 2022-07-13 06:30

TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into…

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Report: You Going To Be Alone For Rest Of Your Life And The Reason Is You Refuse To Take A Bath

Wed, 2022-07-13 06:15

NEW YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath. “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out other factors in your…

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