The Onion

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Updated: 15 hours 11 min ago

New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans

Wed, 2022-07-13 06:00

SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the ammunition would soon be available over the counter, the FDA reportedly approved a new bullet Tuesday for use on humans. “Given their high level of effectiveness in our trials, we have decided to authorize these new bullets for human use,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, explaining…

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Report: Deepest, Sharpest Images Of Distant Universe Pale In Comparison To Lisa Frank Folder

Tue, 2022-07-12 16:40

WASHINGTON—A report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While the Webb telescope’s imagery of nebulae and star clusters is technically impressive,…

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Weed Killer Chemical Tied To Cancer Found In 80% Of U.S. Urine Samples

Tue, 2022-07-12 16:00

A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?

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Child’s Leg Ruins Lawnmower

Tue, 2022-07-12 13:48
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Elon Musk Tries To Back Out Of Twitter Deal By Deleting App From Phone

Tue, 2022-07-12 13:45

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess once and for all,” said the 51-year-old Tesla CEO, who slowly pressed…

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Amazon Supervisor Delivers Rousing Speech To Employees About Honorably Laying Down Lives For Prime Day

Tue, 2022-07-12 13:40

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery route, your passing will ensure that the legacy of Prime Day lives on…

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Sotheby’s Auctions Off Date With T. Rex Skeleton

Tue, 2022-07-12 07:15

NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might…

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Nashville Hot Dog Eatery Offering Free Milkshake With Proof Of Vasectomy

Tue, 2022-07-12 07:00

A Nashville hot dog eatery is offering customers a free milkshake for showing a doctor’s note as proof of having had a vasectomy in a promotion inspired by the overturning of Roe v. Wade and offered as an incentive for having the birth control procedure. What do you think?

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Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen

Tue, 2022-07-12 06:45

PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I get that I should check out some bird I’ve never seen before, maybe one of those birds everyone is talking about like…

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Uber Eats Adds Feature Letting User Purposely Order Wrong Item So They Can Scream At Driver

Tue, 2022-07-12 06:30

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Finally implementing a prototype that customers have been requesting for years, Uber Eats added a new feature Tuesday that lets users purposely order wrong items so they can scream at delivery drivers. “People need to blow off steam after a long day at the office, and we’ve developed tech that…

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Biden Considers Convening First-Ever Meeting Of His Cabinet

Tue, 2022-07-12 06:15

WASHINGTON—Exploring his options for responding to several crises mounting across the country, President Joe Biden told reporters Tuesday that he was seriously considering the prospect of convening the first-ever meeting of his cabinet. “It’s a pretty drastic step, so you don’t want to do something like this unless…

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Americans Explain Why They No Longer Trust The Supreme Court

Tue, 2022-07-12 06:00

Recent polls show that trust in the Supreme Court has continued to erode since Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they have lost faith in the highest court in the land, and this is what they said.

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Elon Musk Says He’s Terminating $44 Billion Deal To Buy Twitter

Mon, 2022-07-11 14:18

Elon Musk says he is terminating his $44 billion agreement to purchase Twitter, claiming failure to comply with the merger agreement, with Twitter now planning on taking legal action to enforce the deal. What do you think?

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Insurance Company Swears They’ll Get The Next Round

Mon, 2022-07-11 11:10

BLOOMFIELD, CT—Urging their client to cover all of the expenses related to their medical condition just this one last time, insurance company Cigna reportedly swore Monday that they’ll definitely get the next round. “Listen, if you grab this one, we’ll pick up the next bill for sure,” said an official from the Fortune …

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Pros And Cons Of ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ Apps

Mon, 2022-07-11 10:57

Services like Affirm and Afterpay that offer the ability to buy products now and pay for them later are becoming increasingly popular, with one study finding that over half of consumers have used one, but critics warn that many users don’t understand the potential consequences. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of…

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Men Discuss How Abortions Have Affected Them

Mon, 2022-07-11 07:51

“Ruined my chance to drop out of college to work a minimum-wage job so I could barely be able to support a family.”

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Hit Man Feels More Motivated To Kill If He Can Cross Names Off List When He’s Done

Mon, 2022-07-11 07:44

NEW YORK—Explaining that he liked to break up big killing sprees into individual, easier-to-manage murders, local hit man Dan Horn told reporters Monday that he always felt more motivated to commit homicide when he made a to-do list and crossed off each name when the job was done. “Having that piece of paper in my…

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