The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 15 hours 7 min ago

Tucker Carlson Blames Mass Shootings On Women Lecturing Men About Privilege

Mon, 2022-07-11 06:30

Fox News host Tucker Carlson claimed that one contributing factor in young men committing mass shootings is women “lecturing” men about “their so-called privilege,” which he says leads to an “unhealthier, unhappier life” for men. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Using La Quinta Business Center Must Be High-Level Corporate Executive In Town To Close Major Deal

Mon, 2022-07-11 06:15

COLUMBUS, IN—Saying he must be involved in some sort of high-stakes negotiations over the terms of a sale worth billions of dollars, hotel sources told reporters Monday that the unidentified man using the La Quinta business center must be a top-ranking corporate executive in town to close a major deal. “He’s been in…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bored Baby Wishes It Had Something To Choke On

Mon, 2022-07-11 06:00

BELLEVUE, WA—Complaining that he had been stuck in his playroom all morning with nothing small to grab, bored infant Oliver Roland confirmed Monday that he wished he had something to choke on. “God, I would kill for a penny right now,” said Roland, who had attempted to choke himself on his own fist three or four times…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Boris Johnson Resigns After Party Mutiny

Fri, 2022-07-08 15:02

Boris Johnson announced his resignation after more than 50 conservative lawmakers stepped down in protest, saying the prime minister was no longer fit to lead the country due to a series of scandals, the latest surrounding sexual misconduct by a deputy chief whip he promoted. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Understanding How The January 6 Riot Unfolded

Fri, 2022-07-08 14:59

Testimonies given to the House committee investigating the January 6, 2021 Capitol riot have brought new information to light about what happened that day, including the involvement of then-President Donald Trump. The Onion offers a graphical primer to understanding how the January 6 riot unfolded.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: More Young Americans Achieving Homeownership By Changing Locks On Airbnb

Fri, 2022-07-08 14:36

SAN FRANCISCO—According to a new report released Friday by the National Association of Realtors, more young American adults are becoming homeowners by renting a house or apartment on Airbnb and then changing the locks. “Though millennials had to endure the Great Recession and are now faced with soaring housing costs,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Money Fact: Did You Know?

Fri, 2022-07-08 14:04
Categories: The Onion

Shinzo Abe Assassination Prompts Americans To Wonder What It Would Be Like If Someone Got Shot In U.S.

Fri, 2022-07-08 13:35

WASHINGTON—Stunned by the assassination of former Japanese leader Shinzo Abe, millions of Americans were reportedly left wondering Friday what it would be like if someone got shot in the United States. “I just don’t know if we could take it psychologically if somebody, anybody was killed with a gun,” said 47-year-old…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Skeptical Doctor Asks Woman Flattened By Steamroller To Rate Pain

Fri, 2022-07-08 13:00

DETROIT—In an effort to determine if she was overreacting to her injuries, skeptical physician Wayne Mahomes asked his patient Megan Wensberg, who was flattened by a steamroller this week, to rate her pain. “Now, realistically, on a scale of one to 10, with one being no pain and 10 being the worst pain possible, what…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Local Mom Wants Just One Nice Vacation Photo Where Family Isn’t Running From Gunfire

Fri, 2022-07-08 13:00

RIDGELAND, MS—Frustrated by the “weird faces” her children always made whenever they spotted a mass shooter, local mother Jennifer Church told reporters Friday that she wanted just one nice vacation photo where the family was not running from gunfire. “One nice picture with everybody smiling and looking at the camera…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Canadians React To American Gun Laws

Fri, 2022-07-08 12:45

“I’m for whatever leads to fewer Americans.”

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Vicious Cycles

Fri, 2022-07-08 08:21
Categories: The Onion

Sharpie Introduces New Pens For Making Subtle Mark On Bottle To Check If Sober Boyfriend Drinking Again

Fri, 2022-07-08 06:45

ATLANTA—In what the company is touting as the first writing implement of its kind, permanent marker brand Sharpie introduced a new line of pens Friday designed specifically for making a subtle mark on a bottle of alcohol to determine if your supposedly sober boyfriend is drinking again. “Offering the ultimate in…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Worker Accidentally Paid 300 Times His Salary Disappears With Money

Fri, 2022-07-08 06:30

A dispatch assistant at a cold meats manufacturer in Chile submitted his resignation and could not be found after his job accidentally paid him about 330 times his salary because of a payroll error, the man receiving $180,418 instead of his monthly $545 paycheck. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nation’s Overweight Bullies Announce Plan To Sit On You

Fri, 2022-07-08 06:00

JACKSON, MS—Urging every American to stay still and quit squirming, the nation’s overweight bullies announced Friday their plan to sit on you. “Rest assured, we will chase you down very slowly, we will throw you onto the blacktop, and we will take a seat on you,” said Jason Evans, speaking on behalf of the country’s…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Dilbert’ Creator Suggests Killing Your Son If He’s A Danger To Others

Thu, 2022-07-07 15:35

Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, is receiving serious backlash for his tweet suggesting that a parent should kill their own son if he is “a danger to himself and others,” claiming the only other option is to watch people die. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Travelers React To Nationwide Flight Cancellations

Thu, 2022-07-07 12:46

Staff shortages at airlines, weather delays, and a spike in holiday travel have left many travelers struggling to take long-overdue vacations and make visits home. The Onion asked travelers how they felt about the nationwide delays, and this is what they said.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion