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Must-Read Reflections On The Battle Over Trans Rights

Thu, 2022-07-07 09:12

Over the past several months, the rights and acceptance of transgender and gender-nonconforming people have increasingly been the subject of both legal challenges and heated public debate. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile…

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Woman Always Wears Fake Wedding Dress To Bar To Deter Unwanted Advances

Thu, 2022-07-07 09:11

ANDOVER, MA—Explaining that the only way she could get people to stop hitting on her was to pretend she was married, local woman Carla Watters told reporters Thursday she always wore a fake wedding dress to bars to deter unwanted advances. “Before, men would harass me constantly, but now that I can just flash them my…

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Hangover Prevention Pill Goes On Sale In U.K.

Thu, 2022-07-07 07:00

A new hangover pill, Myrkl, that claims to help drinkers “wake up feeling refreshed” by accelerating the breakdown of alcohol in the gut before it reaches the liver if taken at least one hour before alcohol consumption, has launched in the U.K. What do you think?

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American Airlines Introduces New Nonstop Flights Directly Into Side Of Mountain

Thu, 2022-07-07 06:45

FORT WORTH, TX—In response to skyrocketing consumer demand, American Airlines introduced new nonstop flights directly into the side of a mountain, sources confirmed Thursday. “Beginning this weekend, American Airlines customers will now be able to book convenient one-way trips that will transport them from over 30…

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World Bowling Championship Postponed After Lanes Already Reserved For 11th Birthday Party

Thu, 2022-07-07 06:30

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Apologizing that athletes, fans, and coaches were forced to sit idle and watch 5th graders bowl, organizers of the World Bowling Championship announced Thursday that the event had been postponed after the lanes had been reserved for an 11th birthday party. “We are so sorry, but the World Bowling…

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Study Finds Link Between Loneliness, Being Stuck Halfway Down Dark Tube Of A Waterslide

Thu, 2022-07-07 06:00

BALTIMORE—In landmark research into what may be a root cause of emotional distress, a new study published Thursday in the The American Journal Of Psychology found a link between intense feelings of loneliness and currently being stuck halfway down the dark tube of a waterslide. “Our decade-long study found that across…

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America’s Housing Crisis, By The Numbers

Wed, 2022-07-06 17:00

Rising rents, soaring home prices, and increasing homelessness have created a full-blown crisis in American housing, one with no easy solution. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures that demonstrate the scope of America’s housing crisis.

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California To Become First State To Provide Free Healthcare For Undocumented Residents

Wed, 2022-07-06 15:46

California will become the first state to guarantee free healthcare for all low-income undocumented immigrants living in the country, a move that will provide coverage for an additional 764,000 people at an eventual cost of about $2.7 billion a year. What do you think?

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Barack Obama Asks America To Stop Trying To Contact Him

Wed, 2022-07-06 15:00

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was no longer the nation’s head of state and that he believed it was important to establish appropriate boundaries, former President Barack Obama asked the United States of America to stop contacting him Wednesday. “Look, I’ve moved on with my life, and it’s time you moved on with yours,”…

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Man Doesn’t Want To Be One Of Those Couples That Spends Time Together

Wed, 2022-07-06 11:45

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Saying he would hate to see them make the same mistake so many others in romantic relationships seemed to make, area man Sam Veitch explained Wednesday to his girlfriend, Sandra Rice, that he didn’t want to become one of those couples that spent time together. “You just see it so much—two people start…

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Intramural Volleyball League Provides Woman With Opportunities To Feel Like Loser Outside Of Work

Wed, 2022-07-06 11:11

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Confirming the activity was a welcome pursuit after a long day at the office, local woman Kate Buxton told reporters Wednesday that the intramural volleyball league she belonged to had provided her with new opportunities to feel like a loser outside of work. “It’s nice, after several hours of meetings…

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Man Buys Sword In Case He Ever Needs A Sword

Wed, 2022-07-06 11:11

DENTON, TX—Stating that a person never knows when they’ll need a sword, area man Stanley Castillo told reporters Wednesday that he recently bought a sword in case he ever needs a sword. “You don’t want to be caught without a sword when you need a sword, which is why I bought this sword,” said Castillo, explaining that…

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Pregnant Woman Wishes People Would Ask Before Touching Breasts

Wed, 2022-07-06 07:53

DAYTON, OH—Frustrated with how overly familiar strangers could be, local pregnant woman Laura Murray said Wednesday that she wished people would ask before touching her breasts. “I know it’s exciting to see a pregnant woman walk into a room with big bulging tits, but I wish people would at least ask before manhandling…

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Large Mass Of Used Wet Wipes Forms ‘Island’ In Thames River

Wed, 2022-07-06 06:30

A huge mass of used wet wipes flushed down toilets has formed an “island” the size of two tennis courts in the Thames in London, causing the river as it flows through the city to change course. What do you think?

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Stain On Bus Seat Hopefully Just Cum

Wed, 2022-07-06 06:00
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Minnesota ‘Accidentally’ Legalizes THC Edibles

Tue, 2022-07-05 15:34

Minnesota passed a bill legalizing hemp-derived THC edibles and beverages for people 21 and over, with some Republican lawmakers saying later they misunderstood the bill and thought it only applied to milder, delta-8 THC products, which are already allowed under federal law. What do you think?

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Violent Man Always Begs Wall For Forgiveness After Hitting It

Tue, 2022-07-05 15:30

BENTONVILLE, AR—In a toxic cycle of physical abuse that is said to have persisted for years, sources reported Tuesday that violent local man Phil Darnip always begged for his wall’s forgiveness after hitting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again, I promise,” Darnip said after a recent domestic incident with…

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