The Onion

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Updated: 12 hours 16 min ago

LA Fitness Mandates All Members Entering Gyms Must Be Fully Vaccinated Or Tougher And Faster Than Guy Checking Cards

Thu, 2022-01-13 15:45

IRVINE, CA—Announcing a new policy with strict guidelines, LA Fitness unveiled a mandate Thursday that all members entering its gyms must be fully vaccinated against Covid-19 or tougher and faster than the guy checking cards. “Either you must show proof of your vaccination against the coronavirus or be able to plow…

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CDC Announces Plan To Send Every U.S. Household Pamphlet On Probabilistic Thinking

Thu, 2022-01-13 15:40

ATLANTA—Stressing that the effort represented the best chance of ensuring American make responsible choices around the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that it planned to send every U.S. household a pamphlet on probabilistic thinking and decision-making. “What we’re…

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Eric Adams Appoints Deputy Patsy For All Future Corruption Probes

Thu, 2022-01-13 14:50

NEW YORK—Newly elected New York City mayor Eric Adams continued to fill integral positions in his administration Thursday when he reportedly appointed a deputy patsy for all future corruption probes. “I’ve known Wendell Baez for years, he has a great track record of taking the fall for elected officials through all…

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The Onion’s 1-Second Workout

Thu, 2022-01-13 14:32

Committing to a regular exercise regimen can be challenging, but even just a short burst of physical activity can help keep you healthy and fit. Follow The Onion’s 1-second workout to keep your body in peak physical condition.

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Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job

Thu, 2022-01-13 12:50

The internet is supposed to be for procrastinating doing your job, not getting fired from it. Unless you want to get in some serious trouble, avoid making any of the following social media mistakes.

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Newly Uncovered Manuscript Reveals China Invented English Language 700 Years Before Western World

Thu, 2022-01-13 11:17

BEIJING—Shedding new light on the origins of the world’s most popular language, an international team of linguists announced Thursday that a newly uncovered manuscript confirms China invented both spoken and written English 700 years before the Western world. “These remarkably well-preserved bamboo slips appear to…

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Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household

Thu, 2022-01-13 10:42

HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed…

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L.A. Police Officers Fired For Playing Pokémon GO During Active Robbery

Thu, 2022-01-13 09:00

An appeals court has upheld the firing of two Los Angeles police officers who ignored a call requesting backup to the scene of a nearby robbery so that they could pursue a Pokémon GO virtual game character. What do you think?

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Poet Maya Angelou Becomes First Black Woman To Be Featured On U.S. Quarter

Wed, 2022-01-12 15:27

The U.S. Mint has begun shipping out the first quarters featuring prominent women in American history, beginning with poet, writer, and activist Maya Angelou, the first Black woman to appear on the coin. What do you think?

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Things Never To Say To Someone With A Breakthrough Case Of Covid

Wed, 2022-01-12 12:30

In the era of the novel coronavirus, it can be difficult to know how to discuss infections with family, friends, and coworkers, and that’s become even more true with the recent rise of breakthrough cases. Here are some serious faux pas to avoid when talking to someone with a breakthrough case of Covid-19.

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Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life

Wed, 2022-01-12 11:56

CLEVELAND—Praising the incredible healing power of terrible art, local moron Todd Beram credited shitty music with helping him through some of the hardest times in his pointless life, sources confirmed Wednesday. “During some of my lowest moments, when I feel like I just want to disappear or that I can’t possibly go…

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Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

Wed, 2022-01-12 11:54

The Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba welcomed its first detainees 20 years ago, inaugurating one of the most controversial elements of the U.S. war on terror. The Onion celebrates the first 20 years of the Gitmo.

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Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth

Wed, 2022-01-12 11:46

BALTIMORE—Hailing the new treatment as a breakthrough in medical techniques, surgeons at the University of Baltimore announced Wednesday that they had successfully developed a new procedure to transplant a pig rib into a human mouth. “The way the procedure works is we remove the rib from a pig, brush it with a…

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Sobering Effects

Wed, 2022-01-12 11:44
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Dolphins Have Fully Functioning Clitoris, Study Finds

Wed, 2022-01-12 09:00

New research has found that female dolphins, who copulate throughout the year as a way to forge and maintain social bonds, have a fully functional clitoris with sensory nerves and erectile bodies that help them experience pleasure during sex, just as it does for humans. What do you think?

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Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital

Wed, 2022-01-12 09:00

BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont was reportedly wondering Wednesday if you hit traffic on your way to the hospital. “Did you take 22? It’s a little congested by the exit, right?” said your father, taking a deep breath to push through…

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Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work

Wed, 2022-01-12 09:00

NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying,…

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