The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 18 hours 24 min ago

Man Choosing To See Breakup As Opportunity To Beg Girlfriend To Take Him Back

Mon, 2022-08-08 08:34

GAINESVILLE, FL—Trying to focus on the positives of his new relationship status, local 31-year-old Ed Sanocki told reporters Monday that he was choosing to see his breakup with girlfriend Amanda MacNeil as an opportunity to beg her to take him back. “A lot of people look at the end of a relationship as a failure, but…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pros And Cons Of A Cashless Society

Mon, 2022-08-08 08:33

As more people use credit cards or apps instead of cash for payment, some businesses have gone cashless, and the move toward a cashless society has drawn support as well as criticism. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of transitioning to a cashless society.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Lollapalooza Security Guard Accused Of Faking Shooting Threat To Leave Work Early

Fri, 2022-08-05 15:33

Authorities have arrested an 18-year-old security guard who allegedly faked a mass shooting alert in Chicago’s Lollapalooza music festival to get out of work. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Strong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man Is

Fri, 2022-08-05 15:30

DUBUQUE, IA—After a stunning report indicated some 528,000 jobs were added to the U.S. economy during July, the Labor Department confirmed Friday that unemployed local man Chris Gibson must be more of a loser than had been previously believed. “For months, we had assumed Chris was just a normal, out-of-work man who…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Police Did Great Job, Police Say

Fri, 2022-08-05 14:33
Categories: The Onion

HHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get Laid

Fri, 2022-08-05 13:50

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that sometimes, some things are just too good to pass up, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services declared Friday that you can’t let monkeypox hold you back if you have the chance to get laid. “Monkeypox is dangerous and highly transmissible through sexual intercourse, but when the rare…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Have Fun In The Sun

Fri, 2022-08-05 09:07

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Californians Explain Why They Should Secede From The Nation

Fri, 2022-08-05 08:30

The controversial CalExit movement posits that state of California should secede from the United States and become its own sovereign nation. The Onion asked Californians why they supported it, and this is what they said.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Earth Spinning Faster Than Usual, Has Shortest Day Ever

Fri, 2022-08-05 06:45

Scientists have reported that the Earth is spinning faster, recently recording its shortest day ever on June 29, 2022, at 1.59 millisecond less than the average day, with researchers suggesting that it could eventually lead to the introduction of the first-ever negative leap second. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Epidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over Horizon

Fri, 2022-08-05 06:30

GENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!” Zehnder cried from his perch atop the World Health Organization watchtower,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Navy Spends Majority Of Boot Camp Training Recruits To Fence Using Marlins

Fri, 2022-08-05 06:15

GREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman recruit Nathan Hobbes confirmed to reporters Friday that the U.S. Navy now spends the majority of boot camp teaching its recruits to fence using marlins. “When I enlisted, I really had no idea that nearly…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Doctors Suggest Treating Back Pain With Maybe Some Kind Of High-Tech Robot Back Thing

Fri, 2022-08-05 06:00

ROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would drastically increase physical well-being if the technology does indeed exist, doctors at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic suggested Friday that their patients with back pain be treated with some kind of high-tech robot back thing. “It is our…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Biden: U.S. Won’t Rest Until Brittney Griner Returned Home To Serve Marijuana Possession Sentence

Thu, 2022-08-04 16:35

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that he intended to make the diplomatic situation his top priority, President Biden told reporters Thursday that the United States would not rest until WNBA star Brittney Griner was returned home to serve a marijuana possession sentence. “Rest assured that we will keep our nose to the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Alex Jones Concedes Sandy Hook Happened On Mars

Thu, 2022-08-04 16:30

AUSTIN, TX—Testifying as part of a defamation lawsuit in which he has been found liable for disseminating lies about the 2012 shoot shooting that took the lives of 26 people, conspiracist and Infowars founder Alex Jones conceded Thursday that Sandy Hook happened on Mars. “I admit the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Kansas Votes To Protect Abortion Rights In State Constitution

Thu, 2022-08-04 16:00

Kansas voters have rejected an amendment that would have gotten rid of abortion protections in the state’s constitution, in the first abortion-related election since Roe v. Wade was overturned. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pelosi Moved By China’s Spectacular Show Of Military Force Celebrating Her Visit To Asia

Thu, 2022-08-04 14:49

TAIPEI—Explaining that the powerful display had left her feeling humbled and honored, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters Thursday she was moved by China’s spectacular show of military force celebrating her visit to Asia. “Wow, I wasn’t sure how the Chinese government felt about this Taiwan trip, but throwing a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Kylie Jenner Criticized For Taking 12-Minute Flight On Private Endangered Whooping Crane

Thu, 2022-08-04 14:48

LOS ANGELES—Facing backlash for the environmental impact of her choice and for her general lack of awareness, socialite Kylie Jenner was criticized Thursday for taking a 12-minute flight on her private endangered whooping crane. “It just seems completely unfair that regular people are being asked to make all these…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion